abby_tx Posted March 29, 2016 Posted March 29, 2016 I've been talking to a guy online for about four weeks. Due to circumstances out of our control, we've only been on one date. We didn't even kiss or hold hands on the date. Anyway I was joking about the site we met on, okcupid, and he seemed hurt my profile was still up and told me he'd taken his down because of me. Even if you're not actively seeking others, this seems way too soon and why admit it? I gotta admit I'm a bit weirded out. I get where he's coming from cause I usually out all my eggs in one basket, but that bit me in the ass in the past and I was gonna do things differently this time. I want to date others while exploring things with him even if I do really like him. Ugh. What do I say or do? Would this turn you off? Is it a red flag? 1
dreamingoftigers Posted March 29, 2016 Posted March 29, 2016 Maybe he's sick of the other options he finds on that site. No need to jump to the conclusion that he's ready to pick out curtains with you. 2
Mrin Posted March 29, 2016 Posted March 29, 2016 I took mine down early once - after our second date. I did it because I didn't want to be distracted from her. I let her know that I took it down but that I had no expectations that she'd riciprocate. That I wasn't doing it for expectations or anything like that. That I just didn't want to be distracted from her whether that be for a day, a week or a lifetime. We've been together for almost two years now. So in short - it can be a good thing if done the right way. 1
Author abby_tx Posted March 29, 2016 Author Posted March 29, 2016 Maybe he's sick of the other options he finds on that site. No need to jump to the conclusion that he's ready to pick out curtains with you. We are both sick of options, yes, but he phrased taking it down "becausewe have a good thing going..."
Author abby_tx Posted March 29, 2016 Author Posted March 29, 2016 I took mine down early once - after our second date. I did it because I didn't want to be distracted from her. I let her know that I took it down but that I had no expectations that she'd riciprocate. That I wasn't doing it for expectations or anything like that. That I just didn't want to be distracted from her whether that be for a day, a week or a lifetime. We've been together for almost two years now. So in short - it can be a good thing if done the right way. That's really sweet I get this way of thinking, but I'm so scared that when I drop my guard and count on someone, I'll get hurt.
WaitingForBardot Posted March 29, 2016 Posted March 29, 2016 Being an all in sort of fellow myself, I would likely take down my profile immediately if I met someone that clicked for me. However, I would not mention it nor would I have any expectations that she would do the same at that point. 2
kendahke Posted March 29, 2016 Posted March 29, 2016 That's really sweet I get this way of thinking, but I'm so scared that when I drop my guard and count on someone, I'll get hurt. anything done with fear as its basis has no hope of a good outcome. Keeping your guard up also keeps you from truly connecting on an authentic level. 3
WaitingForBardot Posted March 29, 2016 Posted March 29, 2016 ... Keeping your guard up also keeps you from truly connecting on an authentic level. Worth repeating...
Author abby_tx Posted March 29, 2016 Author Posted March 29, 2016 anything done with fear as its basis has no hope of a good outcome. Keeping your guard up also keeps you from truly connecting on an authentic level. Well I still try to force myself to be brave. But isn't it too soon for me to do this even AS a brave person? I don't know how to reply to his text. Do I take my profile down? Do I keep it up? Do I change the plan I had in my head is different than the way he does things? I'm at a loss...
spriggan2 Posted March 29, 2016 Posted March 29, 2016 (edited) It sounds like he's essentially asking for exclusivity after one date. It's cool if that's how he himself feels and I can understand him being disheartened that you aren't there yet, but it's unreasonable for him to expect it of you imo. Id be worried if he gets prematurely pushy about it. There's a chance he may not realize the norm though. I was blind sided that a girl I was seeing was still seeing other people until we had an exclusivity talk after courting for almost two months. But that's the game I suppose. I'm in your situation right now. Ideally I prefer to focus on 1 person right from the start, but with so many flakes and ghosts and options via OLD, and so many multidaters, it seems almost foolish to zero in right out of the gates. I guess if you really like him though and you don't have any realistic prospects you can take down your profile. Just let it be your decision, something you genuinely want. If not, let him know you really like him are happy with what you have and you just need more time to get to know each other before you make your commitment. Edited March 29, 2016 by spriggan2
Author abby_tx Posted March 29, 2016 Author Posted March 29, 2016 It sounds like he's essentially asking for exclusivity after one date. It's cool if that's how he himself feels and I can understand him being disheartened that you aren't there yet, but it's unreasonable for him to expect it of you imo. Id be worried if he gets prematurely pushy about it. There's a chance he may not realize the norm though. I was blind sided that a girl I was seeing was still seeing other people until we had an exclusivity talk after courting for almost two months. But that's the game I suppose. I'm in your situation right now. Ideally I prefer to focus on 1 person right from the start, but with so many flakes and ghosts and options via OLD, and so many multidaters, it seems almost foolish to zero in right out of the gates. I guess if you really like him though and you don't have any realistic prospects you can take down your profile. Just let it be your decision, something you genuinely want. If not, let him know you really like him are happy with what you have and you just need more time to get to know each other before you make your commitment. I so agree with your comments about dating now. I keep hearing stories of exclusivity not even happening til a few months in. If I make it to a third, I'm sold on you and no one exists. I have to wonder if he's inexperienced. He's divorced with a 7 year old boy. Part of the reason I don't want to go all in with him is because he had such limited availability. I'm not sure I can handle that in the long run. He's the first dad I've dated too. If I took my profile down today, it would be for him so maybe I won't. I'm not sure if his text warrants me fully explaining my mindset or if he meant it as a quick "btw..."
Ruby Slippers Posted March 29, 2016 Posted March 29, 2016 Just be honest. Some people are into dating multiple people at once, and some aren't. The times I've met someone that I really liked, I disabled my profile after a few dates or even the first date, and so did they. But I didn't say anything about it until he did. It's not any kind of red flag that he likes you enough to do this now. But you don't have to do the same thing. I would almost certainly lose interest if a guy was still dating around yet I'd decided to focus on just him. This guy might do the same. But maybe not. Some people don't mind being one of the options for a while. Others do. 1
katiegrl Posted March 29, 2016 Posted March 29, 2016 I've been talking to a guy online for about four weeks. Due to circumstances out of our control, we've only been on one date. We didn't even kiss or hold hands on the date. Anyway I was joking about the site we met on, okcupid, and he seemed hurt my profile was still up and told me he'd taken his down because of me. Even if you're not actively seeking others, this seems way too soon and why admit it? I gotta admit I'm a bit weirded out. I get where he's coming from cause I usually out all my eggs in one basket, but that bit me in the ass in the past and I was gonna do things differently this time. I want to date others while exploring things with him even if I do really like him. Ugh. What do I say or do? Would this turn you off? Is it a red flag? abby, many people prefer to focus on one-at-a-time. They find someone with whom there is a mutual attraction, they prefer to focus on that one person until such time it moves into a RL or it doesn't, and if it doesn't, they move on... and start the process over again and re-activate their profile. IMO it's super important that BOTH people be on the same page about this. There is no wrong or right here.... just a dating preference. One-at-a-timers and multi-daters DO NOT match well. So if you wish to continue dating others (which is certainly within your RIGHT), then move on from this guy. The fact he seemed hurt because you had NOT taken it down speaks volumes....and I think he may be a bit too needy for you.... at least at this point in time anyway. 2
smackie9 Posted March 29, 2016 Posted March 29, 2016 You both have invested 4 weeks in communicated with each other, that's quite a bit of time invested already so I get why he is where he is at. He is looking at it as time counted getting to know you. So I don't see it as a red flag, he is interested in something serious with you and he is letting you know by taking his profile down and that doesn't make him a bad person. In fact we get a lot of women on here worried that the guy hasn't taken his profile down. So if you feel you should keep your options open, then you both are just not on the same page, and that's not a good thing. I think he deserves to be told. If he feels you are worth it, then he will stick around.
Michelle ma Belle Posted March 29, 2016 Posted March 29, 2016 Oh Lord have Mercy. I seem to be attracting many of those types lately myself! What's with everyone?? I mean, I guess it's kinda flattering that they want to commit so quickly but at the same time...CHILL! In many of those cases, those encounters all fizzled out as quickly as they started. Their true colors started to show and became far too controlling for my taste so I ended things before it got out of control. No thanks. Currently, I'm casually dating two men and already they are both talking about locking it down with me too. I'm trying to keep it easy going as I'm not completely certain what I want from either of them just yet but it's hard when they're relentless in their pursuit of me. Having said that, in my last relationship, we fell for each other online hard and fast and committed to each other almost immediately. It ended up being an amazing love affair for three years. I think it just depends on the guy and it most definitely depends on your gut. Your gut never lies. If it feels right, go for it but if not, tell him to take a cold shower and call you in the morning 2
kendahke Posted March 29, 2016 Posted March 29, 2016 Well I still try to force myself to be brave. But isn't it too soon for me to do this even AS a brave person? I don't know how to reply to his text. Do I take my profile down? Do I keep it up? Do I change the plan I had in my head is different than the way he does things? I'm at a loss... Do what feels authentic to you. If his feelings get hurt, then they get hurt. He is forcing an issue instead of letting it develop in its own time. If you're not ready to take down your profile, don't. He did what he did of his own volition--I hope it wasn't as a means to manipulate you into something you're not ready for. Perhaps you need to ask him how his taking down his profile relates to you in his mind. If you want to keep it up, keep it up. I would tell him that after one date, you're not ready to take your profile down and you're not ready to be exclusive after one date because you don't know him well enough to do that. It's quite presumptuous on his part to think that you owed him the same behavior when you don't even know him like that yet.
Recommended Posts