Got [a woman] pregnant

[Johncaribou]

I have been having a casual on and off affair with a woman. She is 36 years old. Only sex. Started last Summer, with a couple of breaks. Remained friends.

 

We got into a huge argument about four weeks ago. She came over four days later and we had sex. I was in honesty, trying to avoid her afterwards. She showed up at my door three days later and I let her in. She told me she was pregnant. I just listened then drove her home. She sent me some angry texts following saying things about me avoiding her and so on.

 

She sent me some texts a few days later telling me we had to talk. I agreed. I picked her up, she told me the dates of the appt she made for an abortion. She also took a pregnancy test that night at my house. It was positive.

 

On the way home she asked if me signing over parental rights was an option. I told her whatever, yes I would.

 

I dog sat for her for a couple of days. When I dropped off her dog she asked since I had told her I was going out for a few hours if she could chill at my place and watch tv for a few hours , due to having a lot on her mind and wanting to get out of her house. ( she has a teenage son and looks after an elderly parent). I said no. We both smoke weed ( her occasionally enough that she doesn't even know how to roll it) and she brought some out to my vehicle. I told her I would roll it. She was in a pissy mood and said forget it, I don't want it anyways. ( I was planning on taking it home to do so).

 

I received a text the next day asking if I had a chance. I texted her back the next morning and told her I been out late but would do so after I ate. She said it would be a couple of days before she would be able to pick it up so no rush.

 

She then texted me an hour later saying she had to talk to someone about the pregnancy stuff and would I have an hour later that evening free.

 

I didn't respond. She called that evening, I declined the call. I then received a huge long rambling text during which she went on about how she wasn't sure how she felt about abortion, that she was assuming I was being genuine in that I would turn over parental rights if she had the child , and would use that as a guide in that area of decision making, but that she also was having guilt over the fact that she has had such an easy time getting pregnant and she knows two couples looking to adopt. She ended this novel saying " if you are vehemently opposed to any scenario , let me know. But this is where my head is, and we can leave it at that, me making my own decision , since you don't seem to have much input".

 

She called again last night. I declined the call.

 

 

I have no idea how to handle this. I want her to leave me alone, and my actions have shown her that . I told her no when she asked to come to my house. I hang up when she calls.

 

Is this harassment? There have been a few days where she sends several texts. I had told her I would pick her up from the clinic the day of the appt.

 

I want her out of my life.

[katielee]

so, you're married? or she is?

[Fuerza]

You made her pregnant, what are you expecting from her? She's obviously clueless on what to do and would like your opinion and support in this matter. Takes 2 to tango. Be a man and tell her in her face what you don't or do want, it's that simple.

[Babs22]

Like it or not, you got her pregnant and you have some responsibility to at least talk to her about it. Instead you just avoid the whole conversation because it is uncomfortable and you would rather bury your head in the sand. You sound really heartless and like you have simply used this person, which I suppose you have. You should have worn a condom, heck you should of worn two condoms. Or perhaps, you should have kept it in your pants.

 

Katielee asked a good question, which one of you is married? If you are the married one, then I would be worried about her telling your wife. You ignoring her is 1) pretty immature and 2) most likely making her mad enough to tell your wife.

 

This woman is carrying your offspring. She is asking you to talk about what she should do. She did not get pregnant on her own. Talk to her. You might end up with her having your child and then filing child support papers on you. Stop avoiding and start taking responsibility for the mess (sorry, for the baby) that you helped to create.

 

With a world population of 7.4 people and the knowledge of birth control and yet there are still people out there reproducing like rabbits. Not a thought in the world, and oh yeah, leave me alone if I happen to get you pregnant. Geez.

[carhill]

Welcome to LS.

 

Is this a casual association between two single people or are one or both of you partnered or married? I ask because you used the word 'affair'. On LS, affair usually indicates infidelity of some sort but definitions around the world vary.

 

Has she provided the medical diagnosis documents to support her home pregnancy test?

 

Since this was casual, it's possible that she's been having protected or unprotected sex with other men and this is the shotgun approach. IMO, take it one step at a time.

 

You want her to go away, apparently.

 

If you've had an intimate relationship, and the contact is surrounding that intimate relationship and its potential product, unless she's threatening you, I doubt it rises to the level of harassment or any legal stuff, rather is a social issue you'll want or need to work out. One of the risks one takes when having affairs or sex, like pregnancy is a risk.

[PrettyEmily77]

Give her the answers she is looking for, man. You really need to come up with a solution you can both live with (if the baby is yours, that is). You owe her that much.

 

You wanted her in your life enough for casual sex; you're not really in a position to pick and choose now, since you got her pregnant.

[Satu]

Wether you like it or not, you are involved.

 

So you need to have a grownup conversation about this pregnancy.

 

Soon.

[spriggan2]

In my first relationship I thought I was doing the considerate thing by letting my GF make the important decisions. I was letting her get what she wants after all, selflessly taking my needs out of the equation. But I later realized that these decisions require a lot of hard thought, they contain a lot of uncertainty, and they have concesequences. By not participating really what I was doing was being lazy and not soul searching, and putting the burden of consequence all on her. That way if the decision turned out to be a poor one I wouldn't have to be the one who took the blame.

 

I've never dealt with pregnancy before but my thoughts are, you are partly responsible for this, the least you could do is team up with her in making the decision. Brainstorm. Weigh in. Don't ditch her.

[Johncaribou]

Sorry, by affair I didn't mean one was married. Wrong choice of word.

 

Medical documents? Can someone fake a home pregnancy test? It turned positive while sitting on my counter.

 

She's a mess. One minute she's telling me " okay see you when you pick me up at the appt", the next she's calling to discuss things.

[Jabron1]

I want her out of my life.

 

Have you told her that?

[introverted1]

Are you sure you're the father?

 

What is her motivation for wanting you to sign over parental rights?

 

My advice is to take your time. She can abort with or without your agreement, but if she has it, you may decide you want to be in your child's life (assuming it's yours) once the initial shock wears off. There's no reason to rush a decision.

[Johncaribou]

Quite certain it is mine. We had been getting together every couple of days for the month prior.

 

She had shared with me she has bipolar and she is not trusting herself to make rational decisions right now. Which is when she veered off into her long ramble about other options and how she didn't want me to think she had said she would do something ( abortion) and then back out of it, but that would be a foolish thing to base her decision around also.

 

I am unemployed. She is paying for the procedure herself. Child support is not something I am doing.

 

My ex whom I actually loved has come back into the picture. I don't want to mess it up. She doesn't know about this, should I tell her?

[Johncaribou]

Not my ex, I mean the woman who is claiming she is pregnant by me.

[Satu]

I'm sure she'd be a lot calmer if you took some responsibility for your own actions.

 

Why don't you do just that?

 

It's not too much to ask.

[Mrs. John Adams]

SO there is no affair....because neither of you is married. It is a relationship....even if you considerate to be casual.

 

You had unprotected sex....you are as responsible as she is.

 

You need to be mature about this and discuss options with her....not act like a child and ignore her. Ignoring this is not going to make it go away...as a matter of fact...it will probably make it worse.

 

You might also want to contact a lawyer to cover your arse. You need to know your rights....and you might want to draw up a contract relinquishing all rights so she knows you mean business.

[strawberryshortstack]

I want her out of my life.

 

You want her out of your life? Then resolve this issue that you BOTH created. Until the pregnancy is ended, or you've signed away your parental rights, you have a responsibility to this woman. She didn't get pregnant alone.

[Johncaribou]

Are you sure you're the father?

 

What is her motivation for wanting you to sign over parental rights?

 

My advice is to take your time. She can abort with or without your agreement, but if she has it, you may decide you want to be in your child's life (assuming it's yours) once the initial shock wears off. There's no reason to rush a decision.

 

 

When she brought up signing over parental rights the first time she said " and if I kept the child, the only option I could see is you signing over parental rights. You and I cannot raise a child together, and also , it would protect you in that I could never file for child support"

[elaine567]

 

I want her out of my life.

 

You should have thought of that before you had unprotected sex with her.

YOU need to man up here and talk to the woman.

She sounds like she is all over the place and you sound like you are completely heartless.

Take some responsibility for your actions here. You said you were friends, well act like it.

[strawberryshortstack]

Sorry, by affair I didn't mean one was married. Wrong choice of word.

 

Medical documents? Can someone fake a home pregnancy test? It turned positive while sitting on my counter.

 

No - an official diagnosis from a medical doctor that provides the same results as the home pregnancy test. Home pregnancy tests can give a true positive result, a false positive result, or a false negative result.

[despgirl]

I have been having a casual on and off affair with a woman. She is 36 years old. Only sex. Started last Summer, with a couple of breaks. Remained friends.

 

We got into a huge argument about four weeks ago. She came over four days later and we had sex. I was in honesty, trying to avoid her afterwards. She showed up at my door three days later and I let her in. She told me she was pregnant. I just listened then drove her home. She sent me some angry texts following saying things about me avoiding her and so on.

 

She sent me some texts a few days later telling me we had to talk. I agreed. I picked her up, she told me the dates of the appt she made for an abortion. She also took a pregnancy test that night at my house. It was positive.

 

On the way home she asked if me signing over parental rights was an option. I told her whatever, yes I would.

 

I dog sat for her for a couple of days. When I dropped off her dog she asked since I had told her I was going out for a few hours if she could chill at my place and watch tv for a few hours , due to having a lot on her mind and wanting to get out of her house. ( she has a teenage son and looks after an elderly parent). I said no. We both smoke weed ( her occasionally enough that she doesn't even know how to roll it) and she brought some out to my vehicle. I told her I would roll it. She was in a pissy mood and said forget it, I don't want it anyways. ( I was planning on taking it home to do so).

 

I received a text the next day asking if I had a chance. I texted her back the next morning and told her I been out late but would do so after I ate. She said it would be a couple of days before she would be able to pick it up so no rush.

 

She then texted me an hour later saying she had to talk to someone about the pregnancy stuff and would I have an hour later that evening free.

 

I didn't respond. She called that evening, I declined the call. I then received a huge long rambling text during which she went on about how she wasn't sure how she felt about abortion, that she was assuming I was being genuine in that I would turn over parental rights if she had the child , and would use that as a guide in that area of decision making, but that she also was having guilt over the fact that she has had such an easy time getting pregnant and she knows two couples looking to adopt. She ended this novel saying " if you are vehemently opposed to any scenario , let me know. But this is where my head is, and we can leave it at that, me making my own decision , since you don't seem to have much input".

 

She called again last night. I declined the call.

 

 

I have no idea how to handle this. I want her to leave me alone, and my actions have shown her that . I told her no when she asked to come to my house. I hang up when she calls.

 

Is this harassment? There have been a few days where she sends several texts. I had told her I would pick her up from the clinic the day of the appt.

 

I want her out of my life.

 

Unless she tricked you into having unprotected sex with her, you are obliged to talk to her about this! She will NOT disappear from your life and [ignoring her] won't make the 'problem' disappear either.

Edited March 29, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Language

[Jabron1]

You want her out of your life? Then resolve this issue that you BOTH created. Until the pregnancy is ended, or you've signed away your parental rights, you have a responsibility to this woman. She didn't get pregnant alone.

 

Disagree with that.

 

He should be honest with her though. Ignoring her really isn't good enough.

 

If you don't want her in your life, tell her that already. And don't do anything that will give her hopes otherwise.

 

I hope this has taught you to use condoms, mate.

[strawberryshortstack]

Quite certain it is mine. We had been getting together every couple of days for the month prior.

 

 

This is not a guarantee that it's yours. If I recall correctly, you had a fight? It's possible she had sex with someone else for "revenge" or to make herself feel better, and he could be the father. You have no idea.

 

 

I am unemployed. She is paying for the procedure herself. Child support is not something I am doing.

 

The thing about child support is that it's usually mandated by the court. If she sues for, and is awarded, child support - you don't really have a choice. If you don't pay, they will garnish your wages when you eventually get a job. Unless you plan on being unemployed for the rest of your life.

[strawberryshortstack]

When she brought up signing over parental rights the first time she said " and if I kept the child, the only option I could see is you signing over parental rights. You and I cannot raise a child together, and also , it would protect you in that I could never file for child support"

 

 

Then if you want her out of your life, this is exactly what you need to do, ASAP. You might actually want to contact your own lawyer to have the papers drawn up for you to ensure that your rights are fully protected.

[strawberryshortstack]

Disagree with that.

 

He should be honest with her though. Ignoring her really isn't good enough.

 

If you don't want her in your life, tell her that already. And don't do anything that will give her hopes otherwise.

 

I hope this has taught you to use condoms, mate.

 

 

Well, we'll have to agree to disagree here. It's more complicated than just telling her to go away. If he is, in fact, the father of this child, he may well have a legal obligation if a court rules in her favor. If he wants to NOT have that legal obligation, he needs to have the appropriate legal paperwork signed to waive his rights as a parent, and waive her right to sue for child support in the future.

[kendahke]

Are you certain that this is your child? How far along is she? Have you done the maths for this to determine that only you could be the child's father?