Tressugar Posted March 28, 2016 Posted March 28, 2016 Would you consider this as an option move instead of making me a priority? Things have been going great between me and my newly exclusive guy friend. Last week I asked for vacation time for all this spring break week. I'd asked him if we're going hang together this week he said that he doesn't want to tell me yes because he might be able to see his daughter depending if his ex allows him. He said that his daughter's spring break week too. It seems like he would have wanted to spend some time with me since our schedules only permit us to see each other once a week. His daughter who is 14, would like to spend her time with her friends instead spending all of her time with her dad. I feel like he's making me an option instead of a priority. 1
Jejangles Posted March 28, 2016 Posted March 28, 2016 I don't think he's making you an option, but I do think he's making his daughter a priority. And I actually think that is a very attractive quality of his! I appreciate someone who delays making plans with me until they know their situation. Sounds like his ex wife has more say in when he gets to see his daughter. If that's the case, presumably he likes to be free whenever he has an opportunity. When you date a man with kids, you need to understand the kids come first if he's a good father. I say this as someone without kids myself. If you make him choose, he will choose his daughter, as he should... 11
hippychick3 Posted March 28, 2016 Posted March 28, 2016 You're dating a single dad. His daughter should always come first. I have been dating my bf for 2 1/2 years. My children are my priority. He knows that and has accepted it from day 1. Our schedule of seeing each other revolves around when I have and don't have my children. No boyfriend or girlfriend should come before your children. You will need to accept this in order to be in this relationship. 8
Author Tressugar Posted March 28, 2016 Author Posted March 28, 2016 I see and understand both of your perspectives. Thank you for responses. I really appreciate it. 1
stillafool Posted March 28, 2016 Posted March 28, 2016 You might as well get used to it - his daughter (and kids) will always come first before you.
Author Tressugar Posted March 29, 2016 Author Posted March 29, 2016 I recently posted about my dilemma with the new guy I'm dating. I called him last night to check in to see if he was able to get his daughter or not. My call went to VM. Two hours later I received a text from him saying he was in a bad mood and didn't want to talk because his ex changed the plans at the last minute and canceled his visit with his daughter. He apologized for not taking my call. He said that he'll call me later today. My question is should I be involved with someone who literally takes not seeing his stepdaughter as a day doom and gloom. Most step dads aren't privy to child visitations anyway. His ex wouldn't allow him to adopt her daughter. The daughter is 14 and although she loves him, she wants to spend time with her friends. I'm slowly getting tired of seeing him defeated when his ex nixes his plans to spend time with her daughter. I'm really trying hard to not go with the familiar in my dating/relationship choices, but this smacks a hint of familiarity of my former marriage. Should I end things and find someone new?
smackie9 Posted March 29, 2016 Posted March 29, 2016 If it were me, I would never get involved with someone that was always being challenged by their ex whether it was custody, jealousy, or financially. Their drama becomes your drama. If this is bringing back bad feelings then it's a no brainer. You are not there to be his therapist and help through his troubles either. 3
stillafool Posted March 29, 2016 Posted March 29, 2016 Should I end things and find someone new? Yes. You do not understand the love a parent has for their child. Who cares that she is his step daughter? If he has helped raise her from a little child she is his daughter. I had a step mother who was the best mother in the world to me that the "step" part was dropped. Yes, please break up with him and find a man who can give you all of his time. 5
sunshine2 Posted March 29, 2016 Posted March 29, 2016 My XBF has a 12 YO daughter who he loves to no end, and I have 2 kids at home and love them to no end. I understood completely the time he needed to spend with her and he knew the same about me. I had no drama with my X, he had a whole lot of drama. He wouldn't shut down when he was going through crap with his X, but he would keep me up till midnight texting me about it all and how he felt and it got really really tiring after awhile. I was his therapist, counselor and editor, because I helped him compose texts back to her. LOL I tried to stay neutral and only helped if he asked. But it is really hard to be close to someone when the drama never ends. I felt bad for his daughter because the fights and words used were awful and she was put in the middle a lot. He shared way too much about her mom with her and now she is in therapy because her stress level is so high. That is one thing I don't miss about being with my X. 1
Gaeta Posted March 29, 2016 Posted March 29, 2016 I recently posted about my dilemma with the new guy I'm dating. I called him last night to check in to see if he was able to get his daughter or not. My call went to VM. Two hours later I received a text from him saying he was in a bad mood and didn't want to talk because his ex changed the plans at the last minute and canceled his visit with his daughter. He apologized for not taking my call. He said that he'll call me later today. My question is should I be involved with someone who literally takes not seeing his stepdaughter as a day doom and gloom. Most step dads aren't privy to child visitations anyway. His ex wouldn't allow him to adopt her daughter. The daughter is 14 and although she loves him, she wants to spend time with her friends. I'm slowly getting tired of seeing him defeated when his ex nixes his plans to spend time with her daughter. I'm really trying hard to not go with the familiar in my dating/relationship choices, but this smacks a hint of familiarity of my former marriage. Should I end things and find someone new? You need to understand: 1. When you raise children you love them as your own. 2. It can be very emotionally distressing to not see your child and only learn it last minute. 3. At ANY age a parent needs to have time with his children, and children with their parent. My daughter is 28 and I still plan time with her. 4. It's not because a teenage girl would rather spend her time with her friends instead of her dad that you let her ! It's the parent responsibility to nourish his relationship with his children, and yes it means scheduling time together when kids would rather be doing something else. 5. Yes you should date men with no kids if you want to me someone's sole and primary priority. 1
Author Tressugar Posted March 29, 2016 Author Posted March 29, 2016 I'm afraid if I end things I'm not going to find someone as good as him. I used to court issues, drama, child custody, child visitations and etc... I guess this is what I'm resigned to deal with for the rest of my life. I know in other states the men usually don't have children, so I have no plans any time soon to move so I chose to deal with my dilemma for now.
Blanco Posted March 29, 2016 Posted March 29, 2016 I'm not sure I could trust a single parent who was willing or wanted to put me ahead of their child(ren) with any sort of regularity. 2
Blanco Posted March 29, 2016 Posted March 29, 2016 I'm afraid if I end things I'm not going to find someone as good as him. I used to court issues, drama, child custody, child visitations and etc... Probably one of the worst reasons to stay with someone. That implies that you'd drop this guy if a better option came along. No relationship should be built upon such a dynamic. 1
elaine567 Posted March 29, 2016 Posted March 29, 2016 Relationships with single people are hard, relationships with kids involved are harder. YOU don't sound like you are totally on board with dating a father, so for you I think you should call this quits and go look for a man who will make you his priority and his number one.
stillafool Posted March 29, 2016 Posted March 29, 2016 You've already started 2 threads regarding his time with his daughter it bothers you so much. I really think you'd be happier with a single man, no kids. 1
smackie9 Posted March 29, 2016 Posted March 29, 2016 I'm afraid if I end things I'm not going to find someone as good as him. I used to court issues, drama, child custody, child visitations and etc... I guess this is what I'm resigned to deal with for the rest of my life. I know in other states the men usually don't have children, so I have no plans any time soon to move so I chose to deal with my dilemma for now. That's OK, you will figure it out in time. 1
MrMeh Posted March 29, 2016 Posted March 29, 2016 I'm afraid if I end things I'm not going to find someone as good as him. I used to court issues, drama, child custody, child visitations and etc... I guess this is what I'm resigned to deal with for the rest of my life. I know in other states the men usually don't have children, so I have no plans any time soon to move so I chose to deal with my dilemma for now. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and your situation. Nobody is going to feel sorry for you. I know it's easier said than done, but start being more strict with your standards. If you feel you need more attention and a good partner, then move on and don't settle with somebody just because you think it's the best you can do. 2
Author Tressugar Posted March 29, 2016 Author Posted March 29, 2016 I heard from today (after I sent him a text message) and he said he wants to see me. That melted my heart. I want to see him too. He said that he might get to see his daughter today. He's just waiting for word from his ex. He said either way he'll let me know. I'm used to being second place. I'm not feeling sorry for myself. It's just my life...for whatever the reason. I just wish I can see him more than once a week. He makes me happy and laugh. I'm in competition with someone I know I'll probably never meet or see.
Blanco Posted March 30, 2016 Posted March 30, 2016 The fact that you even view it as any sort of competition says a lot. 4
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