Friend?

[Elwood]

There's nothing special about my story it just happens to be mine. A long distance relationship. I met a woman on a social media site back in 2014. It was innocent enough. She posted a reply to a blog I wrote and I replied 'thanks for reading'. I guess that was the start. Soon we were posting comments on each others page. Seemed ordinary because I wasn't the only person she did that with. Yet, one night she instant messaged me and we chatted. That became an almost nightly routine. Again, I wasn't the only person she chatted with but I couldn't help but feel something was happening. She felt it and so did I. We were getting to know each other day by day and soon enough exchanged videos...to prove we were who we said we were. This led to Skype, phone calls and texting. Well, eventually we planned to meet. Christmas of 2014 was to be our first meeting. We were going to spend a week together she was going to stay with me. It didn't happen. I think she got cold feet but by February we made new plans. I would fly to see her and in the first week I did just that. It was incredible. Better than I could have hoped. Well, over the course of 2015 we continued to meet monthly and fall in love. We spoke every day, texting, phone calls, skype when we could. It was intoxicating. She became part of my everyday life.

We ran into our share of problems, distance being the biggest. Plans to be together eventually fell away as she began to pull away. It seemed every couple of months she would take a giant step back. Often telling me should couldn't be in a realtionship, why couldn't we just "take it slow". I had a hard time with this but agreed. Despite my efforts I got needy and drove her further away. By August things were unraveling quickly. That was the first month we didn't see one another in six months. One day I happened to check her page on the website we met on and discovered she had removed everything relating to me. If I had not been so foolish I would've seen how harsh a sign that was. She began openly flirting with other guys ont eh website. Yet, we still planned to meet in September and did so. It was a good time and things seemed okay. I saw her again in October, never realizing it would be the last time I ever saw her. By November she was becoming cold and distant. Communication was rare. If I questioned her on it she just said she was really busy. How stupid I was. I believed her. IT wasn't long after she ended it. I was supposed to fly out to see her after Christmas but she backed out of that and I guess it was the final nail in the coffin.

In the aftermath she told me she wanted to be my friend. She said she valued my friendship more than any other because I udnerstood the pain of anxiety. Not being able to let go I agreed to friendship. She said she still wanted to talk to me every day, even see me. Well, as you can imagine that didn't happen. Instead of maintaining contact she began to cut it off bit by bit. Texting vanished and phone calls became sporadic. If I contacted her my call always went unanswered and rarely returned. I told her one day I was going to be in her city for business (which is true) and she said it would be great to see me. A couple days later she casually mentioned she would be out of town for a week with a friend...just happened to be the same week I would be in town.

It's over now. Communication has stopped. She deleted me from Skype and her life. I hate to admit how much this has hurt me. I've never felt so alone, so empty. I feel heartbroken though a therapist told me I wasn't really in love since it wasn't really a realtionship. I disagree.All I know is I can't seem to get past this pain. Months later it still hurts. I can't believe the woman that became so cold and indifferent actually cared about me at one time. Or did she? She did tell me she never loved me. That she just was vulnerable and got carried away. It was a mistake. She regretted the whole thing. That crushed me. A year and a half regret? Now I still cry for that damn woman.

Thanks for reading I just needed to "talk" about it.

[d0nnivain]

It sucks when you get emotionally invested. Since you did meet I think this was a relationship so your therapist was inappropriate to tell you that what you felt wasn't real.

 

 

The issue now is where do you go from here. Think about some of the good times. You shouldn't regret those. They are happy memories.

 

 

What are you doing to fill the void in your life? Have it be something not connected to the computer. You need to get out of your house & be active. Join a gym. Volunteer for a charity or political campaign. Do something that gets you around people. That kind of activity will bring you back to life.

[Elwood]

Despite taking some active measures to help myself (therapy, self-help books, exercise) I'm still struggling with my break up. It hit me last night that my ex most likely did have another man when she ended things. All the pieces seemed to fit. Up to that point I didn't believe that I just thought she wanted out but I think I can see more clearly now. Kind of brought on a fresh new pain. I'm trying to find things to help (going to a concert) but really it just makes me feel even more alone. I find myself asking why she had to come into my life. I also find myself feeling hopeless. Someone that was there everyday, seemed to care so much for me threw me away like an old pair of shoes. She has a right to live her life but damn her for the pain I'm in.

[sorano]

I fel your pain. My ex dropped me as well. I loved her and would go to the moon and back for her. She ended it. Total 180. A hard 180 where I was and still am In awe. Trust me. I know what your going through.

 

You have to accept the pain, cry when you feel like crying and just let it out, act it out when you feel down. I talk to myself out loud and say, you want to beat me? You think your above me or have the right to give me unnecessary pain? I say that **** out loud and respond back no....no.. I'm going to better myself and deserve better. I am better. People at work think I'm nuts. But it works. Whatever it takes. Just don't harm anyone or yourself.

 

I'm 6 weeks out. I was a mess. I still get a bit depressed but this Sunday, I put my foot down and said enough is enough. Stop!! I'm changing everything around. From my job to my body. Read my thread I started. Fresh start. Grieve yes. But you just have to come to terms that's it's over. On to the next one when you feel 100%.

 

Again read my thread. Good luck

[Emaize3]

I get it too. I'm also 6 weeks out and suffered immensely! He dumped me out of nowhere like an old pair of shoes too and I thought we were great. Definitely read Soranos threads. He was suffering just like me and you and is really trying to heal.

[sorano]

Today I am bursting with energy. whatever it is I am doing, its working. And believe me, I was a MESS. CRYING, crying and wishing the most hateful things on her. I got dragged, used, and lied too. Do I still get a little hint of sadness? yea. Im only human. Do certain things remind me of her? yes.

 

In time, it will get better. You will always have those memories and never forget, they just wont be as painful.

 

Time, will power. Be strong.

[Elwood]

I've written about my situation in the break-ups section. I was in a LDR for about 1.5 years. We generally saw each other once a month (long weekend). She ended it in December and I've been struggling ever since. I received the classic "I can't be in a relationship" line and "I value your friendship". She stressed wanting to be friends. I feared losing her completely so I agreed. However, now that months have gone by it seems reality is setting in. She doesn't treat me like a friend. If I call her I would say 99% of the time she won't answer. If she responds to a text from me it will be hours later. She even avoids me on the website where we met. Okay, so it would seem that naturally she just wants me to go away. Yet, other days she will text me and then call me and talk for an hour. Then back to days of silence and if I contact her she ignores it. Why would she do this? If she doesn't want me in her life why wouldn't she just be done with me? She is very outspoken so I don't know why she would have a problem. I guess it was all just bull$%$! I guess I'm just too blinded by my feelings for her. She has no feelings for me and no respect.

 

 

 

 

 

I never thought that this person that once contacted me all the time, was always there would become so distant and indifferent. Last night she avoided me on the one website I thought was "our place". I guess that is me holding onto an illusion. Why can't I let go? I feel so lost. After going over everything that happened between us I realized that I never really meant that much to her. While together she always said we were not "official" yet she always told me she loved me, missed me, etc. Nobody in her life knew I existed...not family, friends, co-workers. The last time I saw her (last fall) she dropped me off at a coffee shop while she went home to get something. She told me she wanted me to meet her family at the right moment (referring to the holidays). One time she wouldn't even take me to the airport when I was leaving. The airport was a half mile away. I guess I'm a fool...stupid, dumb ass fool. Pining over someone that never gave a damn about me...someone that used me to get over someone else or something. Yet knowing all this I still can't let her go.

[Raina314]

I've written about my situation in the break-ups section. I was in a LDR for about 1.5 years. We generally saw each other once a month (long weekend). She ended it in December and I've been struggling ever since. I received the classic "I can't be in a relationship" line and "I value your friendship". She stressed wanting to be friends. I feared losing her completely so I agreed. However, now that months have gone by it seems reality is setting in. She doesn't treat me like a friend. If I call her I would say 99% of the time she won't answer. If she responds to a text from me it will be hours later. She even avoids me on the website where we met. Okay, so it would seem that naturally she just wants me to go away. Yet, other days she will text me and then call me and talk for an hour. Then back to days of silence and if I contact her she ignores it. Why would she do this? If she doesn't want me in her life why wouldn't she just be done with me? She is very outspoken so I don't know why she would have a problem. I guess it was all just bull$%$! I guess I'm just too blinded by my feelings for her. She has no feelings for me and no respect.

 

 

 

 

 

I never thought that this person that once contacted me all the time, was always there would become so distant and indifferent. Last night she avoided me on the one website I thought was "our place". I guess that is me holding onto an illusion. Why can't I let go? I feel so lost. After going over everything that happened between us I realized that I never really meant that much to her. While together she always said we were not "official" yet she always told me she loved me, missed me, etc. Nobody in her life knew I existed...not family, friends, co-workers. The last time I saw her (last fall) she dropped me off at a coffee shop while she went home to get something. She told me she wanted me to meet her family at the right moment (referring to the holidays). One time she wouldn't even take me to the airport when I was leaving. The airport was a half mile away. I guess I'm a fool...stupid, dumb ass fool. Pining over someone that never gave a damn about me...someone that used me to get over someone else or something. Yet knowing all this I still can't let her go.

My ex told me the same thing when he dumped me and I saw him at a mutual friend's gathering thing, but he hasn't contacted me personally ever since. Usually, its just something dumpers say to make themselves feel a little less jerk-y. When I broke up with my hs sweetheart, I really did want to stay friends, so I made considerable effort to keep it that way, and I'm happy to say we are still friends. But it's because I made that effort. If she isn't making the effort, she probably falls into the former category, where she just wanted to ease her guilt a little, which is also why she occasionally calls you and reaches out.

 

I hate to sound so cynical about it because I know hearing that won't help you feel better. Its an awful situation to be in and I sympathize with you very deeply. I don't blame you for being inclined to make an active effort to maintain the friendship either, its very hard to switch from seeing someone as being worth the effort to suddenly not deserving any attention. For me it was easier because my ex was very hard to get ahold of even when we were together so I had very low expectations to begin with. But you will get used to it. Learning to live without a loved one is very hard and very painful, but all we virtual folks are right there with you. Best wishes!

[d0nnivain]

That was incredibly hard to read. But I gather your LDR ended when your EX broke things off. You are in mourning & grieving. Eventually your feelings for her will fade in time. Next time you have to go to her area for business stay somewhere with fewer memories. Build in some other distractions if you can.

[Elwood]

Sorry, I don't know what happened to my earlier post. It got all kinds of messed up. below is a much smaller version.

 

 

 

 

I was a fool. I have been unable to move on from my ex. It was a long distance relationship as I've written on another post. This past week I had a business trip to her city and I wanted to see her. She said we would hang out. I got there on a Wednesday and left on Saturday. In that time I saw her for a few hours. She said she wanted to be friends. I thought once I was there she would see me after work for a bit. I saw her briefly on Thursday and briefly on Saturday. I was stupid. She owes me nothing. After all the relationship is dead and that friendship stuff is just something some people say. I guess I'm still hurt. When we said goodbye it was hard, I was having a difficult time. However, she had a hard time too. She texted me that night saying I was a good man and she was sorry she didn't feel the way I did. She said she would always remember our time together. She said it was important that I know she cares for me. I don't know. I believe she feels bad for hurting me, for saying she loved me then taking it back. She had the right to end it but this stuff about being a friend...If I was there for four days and saw her for a couple hours...I just feel stupid. I guess I'm still so in love with her I can't see anything else. To see her in person and realize there is no love in her eyes...no affection...no care. Damn, I was stupid. I held onto some idea that she still cared and that was just foolish. God it hurts.

[SammySammy]

 

Many of us can relate ....