The girl guys date before they find the one?

[Cora]

Is there anyone else out there who feels like this? I always feel like I'm the girl guys date just before they find the one, decide to settle down etc. Several guys I've dated in the past have ended up marrying the girl they met right after me and a couple are now fathers.

 

Can't help but wonder if I'm doing something wrong for them not to see me as long term material? I'm 33 years old and this seems to be happening more and more. For once I'd love to have something substantial and lasting instead of a couple dates here and there...

[Els]

Hi Cora,

 

I think a lot of it is just luck. Could be cultural, but for a lot of people I know marrying and/or having kids is tied to a phase in their life as well. Of course the R matters, but they also need to be at the right phase in their life, so it might be that you met them when they weren't, or that both of you were just incompatible. Don't blame yourself - there is so much of life ahead of you!

 

Is having biological children a priority for you?

[xpaperxcutx]

Thw only advice I have for you is to stop dating for sex. There's this dating coach i follow named Evan Marc Katz and he said as a woman its best you bypass the want for chemistry and go for guys o are more compatible.

 

I can tell you all the guys I ever had the hots for turned out to be jerks.

[fitnessfan365]

"Good Luck Chuck" - Good Luck Chuck (2007) - IMDb

 

What you posted is pretty much the plot of the movie from a guy's POV. Not an Oscar winner by any means, but Dane Cook is usually pretty funny.

[faithfully]

I don't think there is anything such as the "one"

 

just my opinion

[Cora]

Hi Cora,

 

I think a lot of it is just luck. Could be cultural, but for a lot of people I know marrying and/or having kids is tied to a phase in their life as well. Of course the R matters, but they also need to be at the right phase in their life, so it might be that you met them when they weren't, or that both of you were just incompatible. Don't blame yourself - there is so much of life ahead of you!

 

Is having biological children a priority for you?

 

 

Hi Elswyth....yes, I do agree that timing is everything. It would be nice to be married someday, but really I'd just love to have a successful long term relationship. Always dating new guys gets old after awhile. Being single is nice and has its perks, but I'd also love to find someone to share life with and grow old with. To answer your question, having biological children is very much a priority for me. I have always wanted children of my own ever since I could remember. But at 33 with no prospects in sight, things are looking pretty grim. On the other hand I'm not going to settle for someone just to have kids. Would not be fair to me, him or the kids. So I'm starting to accept the fact that kids just might not be in the cards for me.

[Cora]

Thw only advice I have for you is to stop dating for sex. There's this dating coach i follow named Evan Marc Katz and he said as a woman its best you bypass the want for chemistry and go for guys o are more compatible.

 

I can tell you all the guys I ever had the hots for turned out to be jerks.

 

 

That's very interesting. Thanks for the advice.

[Cora]

"Good Luck Chuck" - Good Luck Chuck (2007) - IMDb

 

What you posted is pretty much the plot of the movie from a guy's POV. Not an Oscar winner by any means, but Dane Cook is usually pretty funny.

 

I will have to check out that movie. Thanks!

[Cora]

I don't think there is anything such as the "one"

 

just my opinion

 

 

Some people don't for sure. I still don't know myself if I believe in "the one."

[PrettyEmily77]

How many guys are we talking?

 

If it's a lot, your guy-picker probably needs fine-tuning. You need to decide what you want in a relationship, but especially what you don't want (particular habits that could be an issue for you long-term, family situation, money stuff, social circle, etc. - this is a non exhaustive list, that stuff is down to each individual) and stick to it regardless of how attracted you are to the guy.

[LoveRefreshed]

Well, I can say my ex gf said the same thing to me when I was breaking up with her. That she figured I'd marry the next one like her ex bf did and wondered what was wrong with her.

 

I tried to tell her what was wrong with our relationship for 2 years, she wasn't listening. Do you pay attention to the relationship? She was too selfish with what she wanted and needed and never about what I wanted or needed. She didn't want to improve and I wasn't ready to spend my life like that. If it's not awesome, a lot of guys aren't going to want to make it life long.

[Leigh 87]

Thw only advice I have for you is to stop dating for sex. There's this dating coach i follow named Evan Marc Katz and he said as a woman its best you bypass the want for chemistry and go for guys o are more compatible.

 

I can tell you all the guys I ever had the hots for turned out to be jerks.

 

But he only advises this because, although the BEST relationships have the highest chemistry AND compatability - he knows it is very rare to find both things in the one partner. So he is under the assumption that people mostly want kids and therefore annot hold out for the 10/1 chemistry and 8 or 9/10 compatability....

 

The OP wants kids so she should go for OK chemistry, with a guy she is not excited about at first but who she really likes the personality of and has SOME spark with ( but it would be more of a personality spark, rather than a wild attraction where you your heart races when they text or call you at first)

 

The thing about Evans logic that is flawed is.... I know a guy who was NOT LOOKING for a relationship and who was ACTIVELY looking for causal and AVOIDING relationships for one year - yet he met the love of his love randomly during his period of " no relationships please".

 

They are the most loved up couple I know of to this date. Because they were both AVBOIDING relationships andwere VERY closed off to them (one was IN a dying relationship and the other just canned his engagement).

 

The love of your life will be that person who you find against all odds, when you're not looking and are even avoiding relationships - the magnetism will pull you in despite the fact one of both of you were avoiding the love stuff...

 

If you are happy to make the most compatible person into the "love of your life" go ahead, but just be careful because I have seen people settle with a highly compatible partner who they have GOOD sex with, because it was " the right stage of life" to settle down. Only to later on cheat or divorce their "compatible" partner once they come accross the love of their life.

 

So just be mindful that people like the OP who want kids may end up divorced if they meet the great love of their life later down the track.

 

Affairs start because people end up with those who they are not wildly attarcted to and not madly in love with. And then they meet a person they ARE that passionate about.

 

SO I say go for a good dose of chemistry AND compatability. Evan Marc Kats says a 7 chemistry is fine. I think an 8 or a 9 chemistry and a 7 or an 8 compatability is better but then again that is just me. LIfe sucks, people get poor, people die and get ill etc and u cannot stand the sound of each others chewing at times - the chemistry and natural gravitation towards one another is what glues things together at times.

[Swytch]

It is difficult to know without more information about how these relationships began, however, I will offer my (similar) experience. Many of my opinions tend to be unpopular with modern people, but that doesn't mean they don't reflect a true experience.

 

How the relationship begins, I think, may reflect how it will end. I have chased men, but I've found that if a man truly wants you over any other woman in his life, he will eventually muster up the courage to tell you. If you have to bring his romantic attention to you, where it doesn't instinctively fall, then you are likely going to be a second choice or substitute. Therefore, in my opinion, it is best to take seriously only those men to whom you stand out amongst all other choices, and who think you are worth the risk and effort to approach. I think it is important that he selects you over every other woman available, as the one he wants most.

 

However, try to notice when a man is just shy. I remember this man at my workplace who used to just stare at me. Every single day. For about ten minutes straight, in intervals. According to those who knew him better than I, it was a case of strong infatuation. Meanwhile, I was busy chasing a man who was nice, but did not view me as particularly special. I will never know what could have been because I soon transferred, but at least the guy who stared (presumably) saw something special in me, where his gaze was mine alone.

 

Abstaining from sex (in all forms) until a true bond has been established has worked for me, because it largely weeds out those whose sole purpose in "dating" me is for consistent sex until they decide to leave for someone they'll be serious with. I don't put an arbitrary number of dates or weeks or months on it, but I think it's fairly easy to detect when someone just thinks you're tolerable or nice to hang out with, and when they're truly enchanted with you past the initial novelty of the first few dates. And those who do not view you as replaceable will normally be willing to wait, within reason. If you are truly indispensable to a man, he will act like it.

 

Some men will view you as a temporary lay and will shed you when they "move on" to the next phase of what they want to do with themselves, and others will view you as sacred and irreplaceable and will make plans to keep you. I have experienced both. Which one you are to a man, you know from your eyes (his behavior and actions) and your gut.

 

That is my opinion, anyway; others may differ.

 

I hope this helps in some way.

[Leigh 87]

And I have been the girl guys settled for just before meeting the "One"

 

I just means that they were just not that into you, and then they met a girl they fell hard for. And it wasn't you. That is all.

 

Sometimes we can " train them" so to speak. I really got my ex ready for the love of his life. We were best friends and laughed a lot, but he just lacked the passion for me. He was mildly attracted to me rather than wildly attracted to me in the romantic sense. He learnt what it was like to live with a woman day in day out for two plus years, he learnt that he is selfish but also loving and loves the homelife with someone he loves and can be giving when he cares. The trouble was, with me, he didn't care that much.

 

I am sure you gave your exes a better start to their new relationships with the right girls. For that you did good. My ex had no one prior to me aside frorm a travel buddy for 3 mnths.

[road]

It is difficult to know without more information about how these relationships began, however, I will offer my (similar) experience. Many of my opinions tend to be unpopular with modern people, but that doesn't mean they don't reflect a true experience.

 

How the relationship begins, I think, may reflect how it will end. I have chased men, but I've found that if a man truly wants you over any other woman in his life, he will eventually muster up the courage to tell you. If you have to bring his romantic attention to you, where it doesn't instinctively fall, then you are likely going to be a second choice or substitute. Therefore, in my opinion, it is best to take seriously only those men to whom you stand out amongst all other choices, and who think you are worth the risk and effort to approach. I think it is important that he selects you over every other woman available, as the one he wants most.

 

However, try to notice when a man is just shy. I remember this man at my workplace who used to just stare at me. Every single day. For about ten minutes straight, in intervals. According to those who knew him better than I, it was a case of strong infatuation. Meanwhile, I was busy chasing a man who was nice, but did not view me as particularly special. I will never know what could have been because I soon transferred, but at least the guy who stared (presumably) saw something special in me, where his gaze was mine alone.

 

Abstaining from sex (in all forms) until a true bond has been established has worked for me, because it largely weeds out those whose sole purpose in "dating" me is for consistent sex until they decide to leave for someone they'll be serious with. I don't put an arbitrary number of dates or weeks or months on it, but I think it's fairly easy to detect when someone just thinks you're tolerable or nice to hang out with, and when they're truly enchanted with you past the initial novelty of the first few dates. And those who do not view you as replaceable will normally be willing to wait, within reason. If you are truly indispensable to a man, he will act like it.

 

Some men will view you as a temporary lay and will shed you when they "move on" to the next phase of what they want to do with themselves, and others will view you as sacred and irreplaceable and will make plans to keep you. I have experienced both. Which one you are to a man, you know from your eyes (his behavior and actions) and your gut.

 

That is my opinion, anyway; others may differ.

 

I hope this helps in some way.

 

OP, so true. There are so many men suffering from Terminal Shyness.

 

 

Why not try to reconnect with him?

[Emilia]

You probably stick around for too long trying to 'train' them instead of moving on when they wouldn't commit

[Leigh 87]

I have also encountered some men who were honest with me: they said they could not be serious with me, either because they didn't feel we romantically clicked at that level ( they were right; we were both very PHYSICALLY into each other but we lacked a deeper connection beyond thinking each other were nice people)

 

OR they were literally emotionally not able or willing to fall in love.

 

USUALLY, the men just is not that into you and there is no other reason, athough may men will say that they really AREN'T ready for a relationship and believe it themselves ( most men who SAY and THINK they are not ready for love ARE ready when they fall head over heels even if it is at the "wrong time" for them)

 

SOME of those men ^^^^^^^^ who do NOT want relationships with you, are HONEST about it.

 

SOME men are not honest, and will knowingly string you along for sex and even cuddles and as a fun buddy to do activities with and conveniently have sex with after rather than having to pick up new birds and waste money buying them drinks ^^^^^ THIS is rare..

 

The truth of the matter is, MOST men are not cold sociopaths devoid of empathy. They do not CONSCIOUSLY string you along until they meet " the One" at all. They just meet you, like you and enjoy their time with you and even GROW to " love" you. They do not, however, fall IN love with you. They do not see you as the mother of their children or their future wife. But they really like and care for you and even love you far beyond that of any friend they have.

 

I have been both a victim of a man who lied to me outright and pretend to want more than sex with me when he knew full well he didn't.

 

It was actually worse the time that I was in a nearly 3 year relationship with a man who didn't SET OUT to string me along, but just was never all in or in love with me and saw me as convenient. He got regular sex from a slim woman who gave good sex, I was kind and nurturing because his mother died and I provided the comfort (and sandwhich maker) that he needed.

 

It hurt less when men lied tbh cos they do not lie for long.. where as those men who inadvertently string you along FOR YEARS before dumping you and meeting " the One" are the men who you gotta watch out for. You have to SPOT THEM before they reveal their true intentions... because they don't know what they want themselves, they do not think " oh yeah, I will ditch my convenient girl once the love of my life comes along". No decent person does that KNOWINGLY, yet plenty of decent people DO this, and ARE in these sort of relationships...

 

It is hard to spot a player who lies in order to get sex. They come on strong and seem really into you for a short time but they do not usually string you along for years. Although there has been a love shacker or two who have been extremely sense and desperate and delusional with an obvious player who they remained loyal to for years despite the fact the guy came and went as he pleased.

 

The guy who just sticks around in a relationship despite it not being with the woman who is the love of their life, WILL reveal their true feelings through their ACTIONS (or lack of actions). Their friends and family often give you a gauge...

 

Players can sweep in and woo you with nice things. The guy who genuinely wants a long term relationship with you yet is not wanting to marry you and doeos not view you as "the One" are easier to spot... they are not enamoured with you and they do not go the extra mile to please you.

 

In either case - You CAN avoid falling victim to the men who are only with you for convenience, despite the fact they really like you or even love you (NOT " in love" with you though).

 

Just be mindful that players are often confident and/or attractive seeming. The types of men who can get girls easily, come on strong and seem too good to be true, usually are.

[Leigh 87]

You probably stick around for too long trying to 'train' them instead of moving on when they wouldn't commit

 

I made this mistake once.

 

I realised I could do better and find a guy that was crazy about me.

 

Heck, after that one guy I discovered a whole world of men who were actually into me - even if it was temporary! That feeling of being lusted after by a man who finds you very attractive is not something I wil ever go without.

 

The OP needs to know the difference between how it feels when a man is lukewarm about her romantically, versus a man who is wild about her in that sense (that "look" of desire a man gives)

 

It was the best mistake of my life. I do not regret that one relationship, it really taught me how the right relationship SHOULD feel. Women SHOULD hold out for a man who is enamoured with her (at least initially!) and who falls genuinely in love with you, as opposed to some guy who isn't really that into you romantically, but sees you as a nice girl who is convenient for sex and company.

Edited March 29, 2016 by Leigh 87

[Saracena]

Hi Cora,

 

I think a lot of it is just luck. Could be cultural, but for a lot of people I know marrying and/or having kids is tied to a phase in their life as well. Of course the R matters, but they also need to be at the right phase in their life, so it might be that you met them when they weren't, or that both of you were just incompatible. Don't blame yourself - there is so much of life ahead of you! Is having biological children a priority for you?

 

This. In my experience most guys in early twenties aren't in the settling down phase compared to mid to late twenties when they're looking for something more serious, when they've established themselves career wise. I read somewhere that assuming they're dating a half-decent woman during this phase, then she will be the one, so to speak. Of course, a lot depends on the woman too, in some cases IME how persistent she is. I've witnessed some who would do anything to pin X down. A friend of ours recently got engaged to someone he wouldn't have looked twice at a few years ago. He's very good-looking but a bit on the shy side and she's a bare average lookswise but very confident and I would say, unlike him rather crafty!

[truth_seeker]

Is there anyone else out there who feels like this? I always feel like I'm the girl guys date just before they find the one, decide to settle down etc. Several guys I've dated in the past have ended up marrying the girl they met right after me and a couple are now fathers.

 

Can't help but wonder if I'm doing something wrong for them not to see me as long term material? I'm 33 years old and this seems to be happening more and more. For once I'd love to have something substantial and lasting instead of a couple dates here and there...

 

You're a transitional chick. I'm guessing a rebound girl for these men.

[blackcat777]

OP, if you are interested in reading, in addition to Evan Marc Katz (I love that guy!!), Dr. Pat Allen has a book called Getting To I Do, and Renee Wade has a blog I'm obsessed with.

 

For me, half my problem was that my guy picker was broken, and the other half was an unawareness of certain things I did that put a vibe out there that was "dating material," vs. "marrying material."

 

There's no cut and dry formula, every person is different, every relationship is different, BUT all of the above authors have definitely helped me find very useful nuggets of wisdom in my quest.

[MoreAmore]

It's coincidence. You're in the age range where people are meeting long term partners. You notice when they commit because it stings for the reasons you mentioned- you wonder why not you?

 

There's nothing special about a marriage proposal. I don't know. I've been proposed to so many times. It's not because I'm special. It doesn't mean that. It means I met guys with whom I was compatible at the time they were ready to settle down. *shrug*

[truth_seeker]

You probably stick around for too long trying to 'train' them instead of moving on when they wouldn't commit

 

This is true but also consider that guys who won't commit usually see flaws in the women, as in they're not marriage material, and just hang onto them until they find the one...

[Eternal Sunshine]

Most of my dating situations in the last year or so were with men that liked me enough to date/have sex with but not enough to be really smitten. I have had men smitten with me in the past so I know how that looks.

 

It is very easy to tell, they kind of just don't put much effort into dating you; it's always the pub near their house or dinner at a place across the road from yours. Not really having much interest in you as a person, just going through the motions of dating to get consistent sex until they meet someone they are crazy about.

 

I always nip these situations in the bud and just walk away, never let them drag out for too long. I think for a LTR, men needs to be smitten from the start for it to work. Women can be smitten with the idea of being in a LTR/marriage and can develop physical attraction over time.

[Jabron1]

Just a guys perspective, but I think you need to be completely content and happy with the possibility of not getting married, and not having children.

 

I don't understand how these things weren't priorities before the age of 30, but then suddenly become such a huge concern.

 

I'm about to enter my 30s too. If I really wanted to get married, I've had plenty of opportunities with some really cool people. I'd probably have done it by now.

 

Is this something that you really want, or are you just feeling left out?