spiderowl Posted March 29, 2016 Posted March 29, 2016 How long do you think it takes for a relationship following a marriage break-up not to be just a rebound? Are we talking a weeks/months/years? I know it will depend on the individual to a certain extent but there must be a kind of 'withdrawal period'. I have been divorced myself and it took a long time, but then again that was because I had lots of stresses to deal with like financial problems and looking after kids. My mind was taken up with coping with these and didn't have room for romance.
basil67 Posted March 29, 2016 Posted March 29, 2016 I think it all depends on whether or not you're replacing what you had or are simply starting over again. It's quite common for the 'dumper' to have processed all their stuff while still in the relationship and hit the ground running after finally ending it. Whereas the 'dumpee' may take a lot longer to get over it. 2
Author spiderowl Posted March 31, 2016 Author Posted March 31, 2016 Thanks, yes I guess so. Is there any way to tell if someone is over it?
JustGettingBy Posted April 1, 2016 Posted April 1, 2016 Thanks, yes I guess so. Is there any way to tell if someone is over it? Omnipotence. Oh, you meant real stuff. I guess the less they mention their ex, and the less bitter they seem the better. NO way to be 100% sure, however.
d0nnivain Posted April 1, 2016 Posted April 1, 2016 It's not measured on a calendar. Some people may have been emotionally "done" before the ink was dry on the divorce decree. It's not a rebound when you are genuinely into the new person & like them for them, not just because they fill the empty hole left by your EX's departure & you can't stand to be alone.
preraph Posted April 1, 2016 Posted April 1, 2016 It is different for everyone. But I think the acid test is whether the person is still thinking about the ex all the time, and to get down to the real nitty-gritty, whether everything they do is being filtered through "What would my ex think if he saw me wearing this blouse, or that I lost weight, or me with another man. In other words, if the focus is still on affecting the ex in some way, they're not ready to move on. BUT move on is what they need to do, and if the right person came along and jumped in the middle of that mess, they MIGHT just be able to get the lingerer to switch their focus over to them. It has happened to me. It was like flipping a switch. I guess it was tranference, but it wasn't fake. I still know the guy I flipped over to.
oldshirt Posted April 2, 2016 Posted April 2, 2016 what it takes is to be better than their ex. I really don't believe in this whole 'rebound' thing or that people "aren't ready" etc etc etc If someone clearly better (for them) than their previous relationship comes along, their really isn't any supposed refractory period or recovery time. If Adam Levine or Anna Kendrick comes along, they will suddenly be over their ex and perfectly ready, willing and able to enter into a new relationship whether it's been a day, a week, a month, a year or a decade. If the candidates that present themselves after the break up are less than the ex, they will say things like they aren't ready to be in a relationship again or that they have a lot on their plate or that they don't want to rebound etc etc. But once someone that is clearly better (again, better for them) comes along, then suddenly all those previous excuses just seem to instantly fade away like a fart in the wind. 2
oldshirt Posted April 2, 2016 Posted April 2, 2016 I have been divorced myself and it took a long time, but then again that was because I had lots of stresses to deal with like financial problems and looking after kids. My mind was taken up with coping with these and didn't have room for romance. And I don't believe that people don't have time for romance. If Mark Walberg had shown up on your doorstep, you would've found time for romance. You would've found a babysitter and would've balanced your checkbook afterwards.
health Posted April 2, 2016 Posted April 2, 2016 what it takes is to be better than their ex. I really don't believe in this whole 'rebound' thing or that people "aren't ready" etc etc etc If someone clearly better (for them) than their previous relationship comes along, their really isn't any supposed refractory period or recovery time. If Adam Levine or Anna Kendrick comes along, they will suddenly be over their ex and perfectly ready, willing and able to enter into a new relationship whether it's been a day, a week, a month, a year or a decade. If the candidates that present themselves after the break up are less than the ex, they will say things like they aren't ready to be in a relationship again or that they have a lot on their plate or that they don't want to rebound etc etc. But once someone that is clearly better (again, better for them) comes along, then suddenly all those previous excuses just seem to instantly fade away like a fart in the wind. A hot/better person instantly relieves and heals all past pain for everyone is what you're saying. A quick fix mentality and I disagree with what you said. Rebounds are temporary band aids. Even if a beautiful person comes along people can miss their ex's quirks etc. Taking time to process and heal the grief is a wiser choice. Unless people rebound again and again. To answer op post I say a good year of being single and healing is needed. Some people say as long as they were in relationships for 5 years = 5 years of healing. A bit much but it does take time to get favorable results.
oldshirt Posted April 3, 2016 Posted April 3, 2016 A hot/better person instantly relieves and heals all past pain for everyone is what you're saying. A quick fix mentality and I disagree with what you said. Rebounds are temporary band aids. Even if a beautiful person comes along people can miss their ex's quirks etc. Taking time to process and heal the grief is a wiser choice. Unless people rebound again and again. To answer op post I say a good year of being single and healing is needed. Some people say as long as they were in relationships for 5 years = 5 years of healing. A bit much but it does take time to get favorable results. I wasn't talking about strictly physical beauty being the defining feature. I said "better." It's up to the person in question to determine what 'better' is. If someone better for them comes along and things click into place then it isn't a rebound - it's a reset. And I'm not saying it heals anything or erases the pain and angst that was experienced during the break up. I'm just saying that at that point they move forward and do not need any kind of extended period of mourning or any specified time limit.
oldshirt Posted April 3, 2016 Posted April 3, 2016 now that all being said, it may take some people a period of time to find someone else that they click and things fall into place with, but to suggest that there is some kind of mandatory time limit that people have to observe before they can move on is just simply silly. Some people may not even want to go back on to the market for awhile and that is perfectly fine as well. If someone wants to enjoy the freedom and hang out on the couch in their sweatpants getting caught up on their shows and eating Cheetos and ice cream, that is perfectly ok with me. I am just saying it's dumb to expect people to lay dormant and do this period of mourning and mandatory refractory period so they aren't at risk of some kind of mythical rebound monster gobbling them up in the middle of the night. The mythical rebound monster is crap. It's just another boogey man for people to fear. Sometimes we go out on a date with someone and we don't want to go out with them again or they don't wanna go out with us. Some times we date for awhile and get to know them and realize they aren't the one. Sometimes we get into relationships and they don't work out. Sometimes people turn out to not be who or what we thought they were or what they presented themselves as and things come to an end. That happens millions of times a day throughout the world and it has nothing to do with the man eating, saber toothed rebound monster. There are people that you click with, and people that you don't. There are relationships that work and relationships that fail. There is no rebound monster that eats people who date too soon after a break up. If you click with someone better than your ex and things fall into place, then it is what it is regardless of how many days, weeks, months or years it's been since your last break up. Don't fear the rebound monster. It doesn't really exist. 1
oldshirt Posted April 3, 2016 Posted April 3, 2016 Lemme put it this way, everyone has a high water mark. Whether it's right or wrong, people tend to compare and judge their candidates based off of their high water mark. Assuming their past serious relationship was their high water mark, then if the next person/people they go out with doesn't measure up to their ex, then they typically don't make the cut. But if someone is better than their ex ( again, "better" FOR THEM) then it's all good and things can proceed like any other dating process and things may or may not eventually work out for the long haul. What people think is a rebound and label a rebound isn't really some mystical, mysterious affliction caused by not laying around with a box of tissues and crying into their pillow. It's simply not finding someone that meets their current standard. (yes, if someone has a ten year dry spell and they are getting so desperate that all standards have dropped off into the abyss, that is a whole other topic) My point is there is no magical, mystical, mandatory refractory period of dormancy that people must meet before they start dating again or they risk being eaten by the rebound monster. The rebound monster is a mythical creature like the Mothman or Jersey Devil or bigfoot etc etc. People love to talk about it and warn against it tell you all the things you need to do to not be eaten by it - but it does not really exist. If the right person FOR YOU comes along the day after your break up, you won't be eaten by the rebound monster because you didn't meet the mandatory time requirement of moping around the house in mourning over your last relationship.
health Posted April 6, 2016 Posted April 6, 2016 Lemme put it this way, everyone has a high water mark. Whether it's right or wrong, people tend to compare and judge their candidates based off of their high water mark. Assuming their past serious relationship was their high water mark, then if the next person/people they go out with doesn't measure up to their ex, then they typically don't make the cut. But if someone is better than their ex ( again, "better" FOR THEM) then it's all good and things can proceed like any other dating process and things may or may not eventually work out for the long haul. What people think is a rebound and label a rebound isn't really some mystical, mysterious affliction caused by not laying around with a box of tissues and crying into their pillow. It's simply not finding someone that meets their current standard. (yes, if someone has a ten year dry spell and they are getting so desperate that all standards have dropped off into the abyss, that is a whole other topic) My point is there is no magical, mystical, mandatory refractory period of dormancy that people must meet before they start dating again or they risk being eaten by the rebound monster. The rebound monster is a mythical creature like the Mothman or Jersey Devil or bigfoot etc etc. People love to talk about it and warn against it tell you all the things you need to do to not be eaten by it - but it does not really exist. If the right person FOR YOU comes along the day after your break up, you won't be eaten by the rebound monster because you didn't meet the mandatory time requirement of moping around the house in mourning over your last relationship. Well you make some good points. I suppose if my ideal mate popped up a month after a break up I'd date her. The problem is that like you said it's rare that they do pop up. What happens in reality is that men and women befriend others before their relationship ends and rebound with them. The process of healing the self first then dating is much more 0ractical and realistic from what I've seen.
lino Posted April 8, 2016 Posted April 8, 2016 what it takes is to be better than their ex. I really don't believe in this whole 'rebound' thing or that people "aren't ready" etc etc etc If someone clearly better (for them) than their previous relationship comes along, their really isn't any supposed refractory period or recovery time. If Adam Levine or Anna Kendrick comes along, they will suddenly be over their ex and perfectly ready, willing and able to enter into a new relationship whether it's been a day, a week, a month, a year or a decade. If the candidates that present themselves after the break up are less than the ex, they will say things like they aren't ready to be in a relationship again or that they have a lot on their plate or that they don't want to rebound etc etc. But once someone that is clearly better (again, better for them) comes along, then suddenly all those previous excuses just seem to instantly fade away like a fart in the wind. Brilliantly said! I've been used as a rebound guy many times and know this all too well
neowulf Posted April 8, 2016 Posted April 8, 2016 I think a rebound has more to do with the emotional state of an individual than time. It's how much baggage, how much unresolved pain you're carrying around with you. I've had people project a lot of stuff onto me, that had nothing to do with myself or the current relationship. I've also done the same with other people. Sometimes, my heart simply wasn't ready to be open again. It wasn't a concious decision. I simply couldn't make myself *feel* the way I needed to, or in many cases, wanted to. Often, the easiest way to tell if someone is a rebound, is how swiftly a person moves to try and fill the gap left in their life. When you approach a relationship from what you stand to *gain* rather than what you can *offer*.. then you're really starting off on the wrong foot IMHO.
health Posted April 9, 2016 Posted April 9, 2016 I think a rebound has more to do with the emotional state of an individual than time. It's how much baggage, how much unresolved pain you're carrying around with you. I've had people project a lot of stuff onto me, that had nothing to do with myself or the current relationship. I've also done the same with other people. Sometimes, my heart simply wasn't ready to be open again. It wasn't a concious decision. I simply couldn't make myself *feel* the way I needed to, or in many cases, wanted to. Often, the easiest way to tell if someone is a rebound, is how swiftly a person moves to try and fill the gap left in their life. When you approach a relationship from what you stand to *gain* rather than what you can *offer*.. then you're really starting off on the wrong foot IMHO. Very well said!
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