luluv13 Posted March 29, 2016 Posted March 29, 2016 Hi All, I recently went through a break up and I am not doing well. My ex and I only dated 5 months but things went fast and got serious quickly. We have now been broken up 2.5 months and I still think about him all day. I had a few weeks of no crying but now I am back to getting teary or flat out crying at least once a day. I feel crazy. I feel like this isn't normal. I WANT desperately to get past this and over him. Here's a little background on me and him. This was my first relationship post-divorce. I was with my ex husband since I was 19. The relationship was extremely dysfunctional practically the entire time with lots of lying on his part, total lack of respect, and obviously some co-dependency issues on my part. We have one child together. I had been divorced almost a year before I met my ex boyfriend, also separated for a year before that. My ex boyfriend is almost 40. He is super smart, attractive, and successful. He has had many short (2-4 months) relationships and 1 long relationship (3 years, early college) but 2 years of that was long-distance. Never lived with a woman or gotten close to marrying. I started dating and went out with multiple guys after I felt like I had healed sufficiently from my divorce. I met my ex and instantly connected to him. He wasn't very out-going but something about him really drew me in in a way the other men didn't. I felt like he was sincere and real. He didn't act super interested in me at first (waited almost a week to contact me after our first date, didn't try to kiss me, etc) but after we met a few times, we started seeing each other at least 3 times a week. It only took a few weeks until we were exclusive. I was super cautious as I had been with a man that had lied to me for 13 years. I conveyed my nervousness and reservation to my boyfriend and he assured me that I would be able to learn to trust again if someone showed me consistently that he could be trusted. He fell hard and fast. While I resisted at first, inside, I was falling very quickly as well. He constantly talked about how "magical" it was between us, how he had never felt this way before. I felt an intimacy with him that I was always missing in my marriage. He made me happy and made me feel safe. Things moved forward quickly and he continually pressured me to keep progressing forward in the relationship. There were a few red flags to me as he told me about his past relationships (or lack of more like), his lack of close friendships, and his family history. I asked him, not in a concerned way, just genuinely wanting to get to know him better, if he had issues with commitment. He said yes, that he had in the past. He claims that his father had drilled into him that he needed to find "the one" and that he needed to get his school, career, etc together before settling down with someone (somewhat implying that it wasn't the case now). It sounded legit and I believed him. Things were great. However, I will admit, I was never fully comfortable around him. I am not sure if that was an issue with my insecurity or a way that he made me feel. We are very opposite in a lot of things; he is very rigid, unemotional, analytical, controlling, orderly and I am not any of those things. I am warm, emotional, sweet, submissive (at least I was to him), and not very neat. He loved those things about me. It felt like a perfect balance as I loved all those things about him as well. I did on occasion feel like he disregarded my feelings on small issues and I would concede because it didn't matter that much to me or because he was usually right about things. We continued to move forward. He met my daughter (at his request) although he flaked two times before actually meeting her. Looking back, I think that he was nervous but that was a red flag as well. He began to help me with my home (also at his request) fixing my locks, cleaning the yard, fixing the broken lights. Over christmas, he flew me to meet his family in his hometown. He said he had not had a girlfriend meet both of his parents ever. EVERYTHING he did conveyed to me that he was very serious about me. So because of that, I let my guard down and really started to believe he was seriuos about me and that I could trust him. The trip went great and he spoke about the next time we would visit. When he came home, the night we broke up actually, he talked about how he was looking at buying a home in the town we live when he originally was planning on moving in a year or two. I know this had to do with me. That night everything went wrong. We went out, had a good time, drank too much wine and went back to his apartment. We had had a few issues since he came home from the trip. The first was that he planned a trip to go back home over the weekend after my bday. My birthday was on Wednesday and he was leaving Friday-Tuesday. Not a huge deal but I just felt like since he had just come home from there two weeks ago, he could have at least asked if I wanted to spend the weekend with him. I didn't expect him to do anything but I did want to spend it with him. I didn't make a huge deal out of it but I did let him know it bothered me. The second issue was silly. I asked him to watch a show on Netflix with me. He acted like he didn't want to. I got him to watch the first episode and then told him we could watch the rest of the episodes together. The next time I see him, he had watched them all by himself. Again, small issue, but I thought that was pretty inconsiderate. Well, the wine fueled the conversation and we ended up on those issues. This led to me saying "well, if you aren't even considering my feelings for these small issues, will you even consider my feelings when and if you decide to move away?" He couldn't really answer me. I told him I just wanted to know that he wasn't going to up and decide to move away and blindside me with it, that I wanted to be prepared if that was going to happen. Again, he would not give me much in response. In defense, I said, "well, if you can't even consider me on that issue then maybe we shouldn't be doing this." and he agreed. Of course, I was immediately devastated. I NEVER wanted to not be with him and I know I was in the total wrong for saying those words that I didn't mean. I know it was manipulative. I definitely see that. He was devastated as well but stuck to his guns. He cried, a lot. We held each other, talked a bit more, and I went home after a while. I didn't talk to him for a day then went over the day after that. We talked for a long while. I apologized and told him this is not what I wanted at all but he would not allow me to take it back. He said I crushed him and that no one had ever tossed his feelings aside so easily ever. After that I freaked out. I emailed him 2 times very long emails apologizing, asking about the commitment issues, asking about us, etc. It was pretty bad and I'm not proud of it. He ignored me and that devastated me even more. I finally got a response back. In the email he said that he felt like he should explain even though "he usually avoids these types of conversations". He went on to say that he "has hurt a lot of good people that he cared about far less than me" and that he does have commitment issues. He felt like he loved me a lot but that it was all too much for him. He knew what we had was special but that he just doesn't know what a long-term relationship has to offer but he know that what is happening right now is not what he can deal with. He said he considered tossing heartbreak aside and that he knows he is being a cowards but he just isn't seeing it. His letter crushed me. In the end he told me I had to stop contacting him. Again, I was crushed even more. Within 48 hours, I was this guy's world (so I thought) and now I was never allowed to contact him again. I texted him once or twice and no response. I didn't hear from him for 3 weeks. I literally cried every single day. Finally at 3 weeks, I had some concert tickets that I had bought for him for christmas transferred to him. I emailed him and let him know I did the transfer. I also let him know that I thought it was cruel how he cut me off but that I was trying to move on. I did not expect a response back. He did email me back and said we could be friends. He also said that really hurt him and that he was devastated as well. A week later, I asked him to hangout. We had dinner and it was fine but we ended up talking about what happened so there was lots of crying on my part. He said he just got scared. That everything was fear-based. He said he missed me and wishes we could still see each other. He promised (I did not push this) to call me. I told him not to say that just to say it. He assured me that he meant it. I waited 2 weeks and he never called. I messaged him and said I'd like to see him. He blew me off after agreeing to see me one night. I decided I was done after that. Then he messaged me and wanted to "cash in his raincheck" to see each other. Of course I agreed but deep down knew he just wanted to have sex probably. We had an amazing night together, same magic as always. We slept together and I was sad immediately afterwards. He asked if we shouldn't have done that and I said that I didn't regret it. He told me that I could call him if I ever needed anything. I told him that I couldn't be friends with him and that I will not be contacting him ever again. I was so sad but I knew I couldn't do this again. Before leaving I was hugging him and I told him that this is not what I wanted and he said he knew. I asked him how he could possibly know he is making the right decision and he said he doesn't know that he is. Before I left, I told him that i don't think I will ever truly understand what happened. His reply was that he "just got freaked out". I haven't contacted or heard from him since. It has been a month since that night. I just want to be past this. I want to beat into my brain that if he wanted to be with me then he would have been with me. I want to convince myself that even if we were together, we are obviously not compatible. I KNOW all these things. I tell myself every day that he doesn't want to be with me. I'm crushed. When I see that he's on the dating site, I am crushed all over again. I am not coping well. For a few weeks I was doing better but I think now that it's been a month it's becoming real that he won't be coming back. But the thing is, I know I shouldn't be with him even if he did come back and want to be with me. I just don't know how to get out of this depression. All over 5 months! It seems pathetic and crazy. I'm mad at myself for ever letting my guard down. Mad at myself because I know I played a big part in the break-up by initiated it and hurting him. I know it's not difficult for him and that makes things even worse. I've been trying to be healthy, do yoga, date other people, talk to friends, etc. Everything you are supposed to do to get over someone and I just seem to be going backwards now. How do I get over this? Am I ridiculous for being this upset over a 5 month relationship? I feel ridiculous. and sad. and heartbroken and stuck. 1
Rachel39 Posted March 29, 2016 Posted March 29, 2016 Your ex sounds exactly like mine and I flew back to his home town to spend with his children and family ect . At least he will speak to you he won't speak to me and we were together 2 years I'm 11 weeks in now and started no contact 9days ago as I was constantly texting him asking if we could meet ect and getting no response. He is also very stubborn and once he has made his mind up that's it. I know exactly how your feeling we had made plans to move back to his home town and buy a house on the sea front when my son had finished school. My life that I planned has just gone my son still asks for him it's so painful
lucy14 Posted March 29, 2016 Posted March 29, 2016 Sorry, Just a quick reply...please don't worry about the only 5 months, I'm quite similar to you as in mine was 6 months moved really fast then dumped me out of the blue...I'm 6 weeks on and still deverstated. One day I'm OK and think I have accepted it, the next I'm hoping again....so even though it was only 5 months don't beat yourself up about it xx 2
ExpatInItaly Posted March 29, 2016 Posted March 29, 2016 At 40 with no real, solid, long-term relationships...the issue is him. It's one thing to be single by circumstance. It's another to stay away from long-term commitment by choice, which seems to be the case with him. There's something in him that avoids deeper commitments - he talks about his fears, and so on. He's right. He knows himself better than you do, and he knows he's not in a place to commit right now. I don't think this means he never wanted those things with you. I think - for whatever reason - he is indeed fearful. Of what? Who knows, really. Only he could answer that, and he probably doesn't even really know the answer either. He is okay with fantasizing about the future, but when push actually comes to shove, he bails. No, you shouldn't have brought up breaking up if you truly didn't want that. But I suspect this wouldn't have ended well anyway. His dating history indicates he doesn't stay involved past a few months. Unfortunately, your relationship with him fits that pattern. Don't be so hard on yourself. It was an intense few months. You were both in that honeymoon phase. He, sadly, doesn't seem to stick around longer than that. Keep that in mind when you see him active on dating sites - the next woman he gets involved with will probably suffer exactly the same fate as you. And I'd bet dollars to donuts any of his previous girlfriends would tell you the same thing. 4
kasop Posted March 29, 2016 Posted March 29, 2016 You tested his commitment to you by inititating a breakup. He went with it. You admitted it was a mistake but hes unwilling to forgive you for it. Pretty cut and dry to me. Give him time and space and he might be back though he sounds like the stubborn type.
Toodaloo Posted March 29, 2016 Posted March 29, 2016 Don't worry about it. Sounds to me as though you were just swept away both at the beginning and the end. Give yourself time. There are no limits or proper guidelines to this. Year before last I had a 1 month fling that took me 5-6 to get over. Yet a 7 year relationship that ended before that well I was over that before it even ended. Point is I did get over it eventually. Like us all. Quit beating yourself up and go get yourself a pretty new nail varnish or enrol in a new class instead.
Author luluv13 Posted March 29, 2016 Author Posted March 29, 2016 Your ex sounds exactly like mine and I flew back to his home town to spend with his children and family ect . At least he will speak to you he won't speak to me and we were together 2 years I'm 11 weeks in now and started no contact 9days ago as I was constantly texting him asking if we could meet ect and getting no response. He is also very stubborn and once he has made his mind up that's it. I know exactly how your feeling we had made plans to move back to his home town and buy a house on the sea front when my son had finished school. My life that I planned has just gone my son still asks for him it's so painful I am so sorry you are going through this. It's agonizing and I could imagine even more so for you. I found that after the break up the more vulnerable, available, and emotional I was towards him, the more he shut me out. Both times I had finally had enough and acted cold and indifferent to him he responded back to me. But yes, same here, very very stubborn. Coincidentally, my ex was also from an ocean town so visiting was like a dream. We too had imagined moving there together to live by the ocean. Sorry, Just a quick reply...please don't worry about the only 5 months, I'm quite similar to you as in mine was 6 months moved really fast then dumped me out of the blue...I'm 6 weeks on and still deverstated. One day I'm OK and think I have accepted it, the next I'm hoping again....so even though it was only 5 months don't beat yourself up about it xx I'm the same. I have some major highs and lows. Thanks for the support. I hope you feel better soon. At 40 with no real, solid, long-term relationships...the issue is him. It's one thing to be single by circumstance. It's another to stay away from long-term commitment by choice, which seems to be the case with him. There's something in him that avoids deeper commitments - he talks about his fears, and so on. He's right. He knows himself better than you do, and he knows he's not in a place to commit right now. I don't think this means he never wanted those things with you. I think - for whatever reason - he is indeed fearful. Of what? Who knows, really. Only he could answer that, and he probably doesn't even really know the answer either. He is okay with fantasizing about the future, but when push actually comes to shove, he bails. I needed to hear this. It is all so true and I know it. I questioned it to myself when I found out about his history but I (naively) figured he felt differently about me because that is what he told me. He totally made me feel like I was this complete anomaly in his life. When we broke up, he was crying and feeling open I assume, he mentioned that after as many times as he has done this, he has to wonder if it will ever work. I told him it had to be difficult to have gone through this so many times. He said that maybe he did have some issues with developing close relationships as a result of his parents. I didn't respond with much as I didn't know how to respond but that was the last I heard of that issue. We just held each other and cried. It was his crying and amount of devastation that was one of the things that freaked him out I believe. He claims he hasn't cried like that since the passing of a family member a few years ago. In his email he told me that while he does have a commitment problem, he needs someone that will be more understand with less high expectations in order for him to get past it. I responded back and told him that was totally unfair because we had not had any issues at all up until this point (he admitted multiple times that everything had felt perfect to him up until that one night). I told him that I brought up a couple of minor issues and he totally jumped shipped rather than working through it with me and that it wasn't fair to label me as having too high of expectations for him. I mean, I guess in a way I did because he obviously couldn't meet them but I do not feel like I was being unreasonable. No, you shouldn't have brought up breaking up if you truly didn't want that. But I suspect this wouldn't have ended well anyway. His dating history indicates he doesn't stay involved past a few months. Unfortunately, your relationship with him fits that pattern. Don't be so hard on yourself. I feel very guilty about it but I know you are right and if it wasn't this, it would have been something else. He even said that he was doing this to "protect someone that he cares a lot about" because he knows his pattern. I called BS on that because I didn't like how he said he was trying to protect me but thinking about it more, there definitely could be some truth in it. I thought I was making progress because he was so all-in during all of it and we had surpased his normal 4 month mark and were making plans for vacations and concerts for months well into the year. It was an intense few months. You were both in that honeymoon phase. He, sadly, doesn't seem to stick around longer than that. Keep that in mind when you see him active on dating sites - the next woman he gets involved with will probably suffer exactly the same fate as you. And I'd bet dollars to donuts any of his previous girlfriends would tell you the same thing. Yes, it was and thank you so much for your thoughtful response and support. Your words mean a lot and I do think about his past and all he told me about his dating experiences when I see him on there. When I last talked to him, he had bought a very expensive TV, was workingout with a trainer 7 days a week, and in the process of buying second car. All I heard was that he was trying to replace what he lost with us with material things that his money can buy. I think of him on the dating site the same way, him trying to find something to fill this void. Don't worry about it. Sounds to me as though you were just swept away both at the beginning and the end. Give yourself time. There are no limits or proper guidelines to this. Year before last I had a 1 month fling that took me 5-6 to get over. Yet a 7 year relationship that ended before that well I was over that before it even ended. Point is I did get over it eventually. Like us all. Quit beating yourself up and go get yourself a pretty new nail varnish or enrol in a new class instead. Thank you so much and yes, I totally got caught up in this whirlwind romance. It's embarrassing to say but this heartbreak has been much worse than my divorce from a man I was with for 13 years! It's so crazy.
Author luluv13 Posted March 29, 2016 Author Posted March 29, 2016 You tested his commitment to you by inititating a breakup. He went with it. You admitted it was a mistake but hes unwilling to forgive you for it. Pretty cut and dry to me. Give him time and space and he might be back though he sounds like the stubborn type. YES! This. I was testing him. And I know that is not a healthy way to go about things. I did apologize a lot and explain in great detail why and what drove my insecurities, that I was totally in the wrong in having done that. I truly did not know saying what I said would have crushed him the way he said it did. It was careless of me. I told him all that but it doesn't matter. Nothing I said could undo it though and you are definitely right, he is totally unwilling to forgive me.
ExpatInItaly Posted March 29, 2016 Posted March 29, 2016 [quote=luluv13;6847509 I needed to hear this. It is all so true and I know it. I questioned it to myself when I found out about his history but I (naively) figured he felt differently about me because that is what he told me. He totally made me feel like I was this complete anomaly in his life. When we broke up, he was crying and feeling open I assume, he mentioned that after as many times as he has done this, he has to wonder if it will ever work. I told him it had to be difficult to have gone through this so many times. He said that maybe he did have some issues with developing close relationships as a result of his parents. I didn't respond with much as I didn't know how to respond but that was the last I heard of that issue. We just held each other and cried. It was his crying and amount of devastation that was one of the things that freaked him out I believe. He claims he hasn't cried like that since the passing of a family member a few years ago. In his email he told me that while he does have a commitment problem, he needs someone that will be more understand with less high expectations in order for him to get past it. I responded back and told him that was totally unfair because we had not had any issues at all up until this point (he admitted multiple times that everything had felt perfect to him up until that one night). I told him that I brought up a couple of minor issues and he totally jumped shipped rather than working through it with me and that it wasn't fair to label me as having too high of expectations for him. I mean, I guess in a way I did because he obviously couldn't meet them but I do not feel like I was being unreasonable. This is hogwash. He isn't being realistic. He sets impossibly high standards as a way of keeping a distance and backing out when he feels like it. That's just him showing you he's not ready to really look at his own role in his relationship pattern. It isn't a girlfriend's job to help him get past it. That's on him. And perhaps a good therapist.
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