KittyKat67 Posted March 29, 2016 Posted March 29, 2016 (edited) Try to make this as short and to the point without leaving out anything. My parents have given me financially pretty much anything I have asked for. My father was abusive physicaly and emotionally to me very bad, was semi abusive to my mom and brother and family pet when we were younger. Mom, was over controlling and frankly traumatized by them jumping me both and trying to beat me because my dad said I didn't visit him in the hospital enough during his open heart surgery..wtf..I was 21. FAst foward well into my thirties was doing great on my own, parents offered to help get a loan and buy it together I jumped so excited. What I didnm't know is they would be not open to ever selling it. The owed half. I fell into deep dperession because I couldn't find a job in my field, got certified in something else and took a 50% pay cut, but I did like my job. It has been festering and building and not for the last few years have not been able to function. I am energetically connected again under their thumb because I live in this house and they won't budge on selling, so I felt trapped. Anger ad rage ensued, and been in therapy now for a year. That has brought me so much awareness, that It literally freaks me out to have any contact with my mom especially as she is over dramatic and quite frankly was super mean to me in child and now on a power trip to dominate me. She slams my cupboards shut or bathroom cabinet i anger if I speak up.. No respect for me so I am feeling guilty about going no contact because they have given me so much financial help due to being depressed from feeling trapped and traumatized over again by having abusive people try and dominate and have a power trip again over me. I want to work for everthing, I don' want help. But I am so non funcitonaing with them even in my space at all that I don't know what to do.. I know i have to cut myself off with ever asking them for help, but I need to move then bevcause I"m feeing like I am not living my authentic truth. My mom has always discouraged moving away, doing anything away. So thats my story. And they are extreme on the controlling. My brother is 41 and just told me he feels emotioanally trapped their still. So my quesiton is that I have been wanting to move on a consistant basis for the last 4 years. Not moving has caused the depression but felt trapped by my parents. REmember I"m late 30's. Wow huh? Help! Edited March 29, 2016 by KittyKat67
Emilia Posted March 29, 2016 Posted March 29, 2016 Have you spoken to a lawyer regarding what you can do about selling?
Survivor12 Posted March 29, 2016 Posted March 29, 2016 Rent it out....or tell your parents that you are looking for a tenant. They may rethink their position on selling.
mrs rubble Posted March 29, 2016 Posted March 29, 2016 Both the above ideas are good, also could they buy your half out? Get a valuation done and present them with a figure.
turnera Posted March 30, 2016 Posted March 30, 2016 Find a way to stop needing them financially. And then walk away.
Bee4Shine Posted March 30, 2016 Posted March 30, 2016 I think you are in a tough situation. First of all you are old enough to be on your own without any help from your parents, both physically and emotionally. Can you consider the "no contact" as sort of a "reset"? Not that you will never talk to them again, but rather, that you are resetting the pattern of how you interact with them. Start with maybe 3 months...then contact them and see how it goes. If they refuse to respect you and speak to you as an adult, then maybe another 3 months. Remember not to treat this as a punishment, but a reset. As far as the house, this is something they are using to control you. Seek a rel-estate agent and find out your options. I hope it works out.
Author KittyKat67 Posted April 2, 2016 Author Posted April 2, 2016 I think you are in a tough situation. First of all you are old enough to be on your own without any help from your parents, both physically and emotionally. Can you consider the "no contact" as sort of a "reset"? Not that you will never talk to them again, but rather, that you are resetting the pattern of how you interact with them. Start with maybe 3 months...then contact them and see how it goes. If they refuse to respect you and speak to you as an adult, then maybe another 3 months. Remember not to treat this as a punishment, but a reset. As far as the house, this is something they are using to control you. Seek a rel-estate agent and find out your options. I hope it works out. The insight from everyone here is so helpful, honesty better than therapy. So you are right. I should be financially and emotionally on my own, this is so disturbing for me that is why I am making major life changes.
Author KittyKat67 Posted April 3, 2016 Author Posted April 3, 2016 Try to make this as short and to the point without leaving out anything. My parents have given me financially pretty much anything I have asked for. My father was abusive physicaly and emotionally to me very bad, was semi abusive to my mom and brother and family pet when we were younger. Mom, was over controlling and frankly traumatized by them jumping me both and trying to beat me because my dad said I didn't visit him in the hospital enough during his open heart surgery..wtf..I was 21. FAst foward well into my thirties was doing great on my own, parents offered to help get a loan and buy it together I jumped so excited. What I didnm't know is they would be not open to ever selling it. The owed half. I fell into deep dperession because I couldn't find a job in my field, got certified in something else and took a 50% pay cut, but I did like my job. It has been festering and building and not for the last few years have not been able to function. I am energetically connected again under their thumb because I live in this house and they won't budge on selling, so I felt trapped. Anger ad rage ensued, and been in therapy now for a year. That has brought me so much awareness, that It literally freaks me out to have any contact with my mom especially as she is over dramatic and quite frankly was super mean to me in child and now on a power trip to dominate me. She slams my cupboards shut or bathroom cabinet i anger if I speak up.. No respect for me so I am feeling guilty about going no contact because they have given me so much financial help due to being depressed from feeling trapped and traumatized over again by having abusive people try and dominate and have a power trip again over me. I want to work for everthing, I don' want help. But I am so non funcitonaing with them even in my space at all that I don't know what to do.. I know i have to cut myself off with ever asking them for help, but I need to move then bevcause I"m feeing like I am not living my authentic truth. My mom has always discouraged moving away, doing anything away. So thats my story. And they are extreme on the controlling. My brother is 41 and just told me he feels emotioanally trapped their still. So my quesiton is that I have been wanting to move on a consistant basis for the last 4 years. Not moving has caused the depression but felt trapped by my parents. REmember I"m late 30's. Wow huh? Help! EDIT: 4/3 I found out they put them at 51% so I do need their approval also to do anything. However, I have decided the best is to rent it out and do it without letting them know. These posts have helped me realize at my age, this is pathetic to be emotionally controlled still, which has me almost on medication. Its high time I start to address the inner anger and turmoil and and realize its ok to walk away. I love my parents deeply but they at some point both in their lives told me they never liked me. It made all the sense in the world with the abuse and all and gave me some peace but to stay attached emotionally and still under their thumb is so disempowering that I was suicidal. To my parents who love me will do anything for me, but gtive me the "ok" to move away and heal like I have been waiting for them to do for 30 years. Its time I take my life back because I'm scared. More scared that my life will pass me by and I will be stuck so deeply in the anger towards them. So since I have been planning to move and figure out how, I always thought why not rent out my place, that will be a no brainer to help out with the rent....but I was inimitdated what my 8p year old mother would say as she would certainly bully me about the decision. But so what, I guess this is where my strength of character and will to really want this comes in. Before I would bck down and just squash my dreams. But i've been living in a house we bought together that just re traumatized me all over again with their refusal to sell or rent despite seeing me financially and memtally deteriorating over the last 5 yeas, I guess waiting for the to give me the ok. .....Without getting into it too much they spoled me with stuff but were abusive controlling and plain mean. My dad beat me, mom, brother, dog, my mom told me she didn't like me as a kid and it showed. Fast forward...so at this age I"m still under their thumb as my mom told me on my 38th birthday..I'M THE MOTHER,,,,THERE IS A DIFFERENCE YA KNOW!! Screaming that at me...wow huh. Its refreshing to hear others tell me to run...and get a life...because I"m scared, 1
Author KittyKat67 Posted April 3, 2016 Author Posted April 3, 2016 Have you spoken to a lawyer regarding what you can do about selling? yes and with the fees its not worth it, found out they own 51%
Author KittyKat67 Posted April 3, 2016 Author Posted April 3, 2016 I think you are in a tough situation. First of all you are old enough to be on your own without any help from your parents, both physically and emotionally. Can you consider the "no contact" as sort of a "reset"? Not that you will never talk to them again, but rather, that you are resetting the pattern of how you interact with them. Start with maybe 3 months...then contact them and see how it goes. If they refuse to respect you and speak to you as an adult, then maybe another 3 months. Remember not to treat this as a punishment, but a reset. As far as the house, this is something they are using to control you. Seek a rel-estate agent and find out your options. I hope it works out. yes I did that before and actually didnm't talk to them for 2 years. I am not talking to them and same pattern happening again. They own 51%. So I think I'm just going to rent it out, find an agency to do it and let them know after fact when I"m ready to move.
turnera Posted April 3, 2016 Posted April 3, 2016 Hon, don't be scared. Think back through history to all the people who have struck out on their own without even a dime in their pocket, often without even knowing if the land they're going to even exists. You'll be fine. And if problems arise, you're smart enough to figure them out. You'll be fine.
Author KittyKat67 Posted April 3, 2016 Author Posted April 3, 2016 Hon, don't be scared. Think back through history to all the people who have struck out on their own without even a dime in their pocket, often without even knowing if the land they're going to even exists. You'll be fine. And if problems arise, you're smart enough to figure them out. You'll be fine. Thanks love, the funny thing is I always have been able to figure things out, just this time I haven't. Thanks for reminding me about my own strength and path.
AMJ Posted April 3, 2016 Posted April 3, 2016 Where do you want to move to, and why? You seem a little unstable at the moment to be making any major life decisions. It sounds like you need distance from your parents, and while moving far away will accomplish that, you need to be able to take care of yourself completely if you do so. And you've never done that before. I'm not saying you can't take care of yourself, but asking why the decision to sell your home and move is the best choice?
Author KittyKat67 Posted April 4, 2016 Author Posted April 4, 2016 (edited) Where do you want to move to, and why? You seem a little unstable at the moment to be making any major life decisions. It sounds like you need distance from your parents, and while moving far away will accomplish that, you need to be able to take care of yourself completely if you do so. And you've never done that before. I'm not saying you can't take care of yourself, but asking why the decision to sell your home and move is the best choice? HI, no I have lived on my own without asking for a cent for 25 years. Paid off a car, rent, had a great job. Then I moved to an isolated town and bouth a house with my parents. I hated living in this town from the beginning but thought I ocould rent it out with no problem. Through therapy fr a year, I have realized I can rent it out. My moms reaction was and still is intimidating me. At my age she still will slam doors and cupboards while were talking if I piss her off. I"m tired of her agression and need to be away to heal. been here for 5 years depressed, suicidal for 2 years but better now, exisitng but not living. I think part of the reason I thought about selling is that is what they will threaten me with anyways instead of renting. I'm late thirties and my parents are still controlling me and re tramatzing me all over again. They still if all else fails bully me physically. My dad will puff his chest out at me and charged me with a rake about 4 years ago. So, with that bveing said, I just need my space from my family and its wearing on me since its been 5 years I have stayed comitted to being depressed about this. Non functional almost. My delima is, I to tap into some money I shoulnd't, like a retirment that doesn't have much, but can help me just start all over, get a place and get a job. I will so motivated I know what it takes to make it work, I had that magic before I moved to where I am. Should I touch my retirment money since I feel aother 4 years can easily pass me by throug this depression ?? I can move...another factor is my parents told my financial advisor to tell him if I wihdraw any money..lol At first I was confused if I was trying to live a selfish dream, then I realized that I have always been a free spirit and lived differently, and have not followed my heart and it started to give me heart problems. I had to go to a cardiolgist for heart pain, This situation re traumatized me from the beatings of my childhood that I had to revisit to heal. I still feel 10000% that I Need to move away from my parents to heal, been feeing that way for 20 years. Edited April 4, 2016 by KittyKat67
AMJ Posted April 4, 2016 Posted April 4, 2016 You've been living on your own for 25 years? You're in your late 30s, so you moved away when you were 13? I'm not understanding your story very well. It really sounds like the problem is how your parents treat you. Moving far away could create the distance you need, if there's no other solution. If you really want to leave, you probably have legal rights, they want to keep the house, they buy half of it from you and send you on your way. You need a lawyer, not a therapist, unfortunately. If I were being threatened physically all the time, I'd leave as soon as possible. Find friends to stay with, or other family members.
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