taylornicole015 Posted March 28, 2016 Posted March 28, 2016 Hi there everyone! I have a question and I wanted to make it public so I can get advice from people I don't know whom can tell me if I am right or wrong. Yesterday was Easter Sunday. Dinner at my house was for 1 pm. I told my boyfriend this for weeks in advance so he would know that. Dinner comes around yesterday and he is a no show. I call him at 1:30 and say "where are you, it's past 1" he tells me his phone alarm never went off to wake him up.. I tell him fine, because at this point I am a little aggravated. I say you can still come, dessert hasn't been served yet. He chooses not to come, yet still expects me to come over to his for his Easter dinner. I didn't go. I figured that I clearly was not important so why go to the trouble of traveling thirty minutes to get to someone who put me last on Easter. The reason I find this to be such a big deal is because I love holidays. I think they are a day to spend with the family and loved ones, I don't like to miss them at all and the fact he did miss mine and choose not to come over really pissed me off. It made me feel not important. So as for yesterday I didn't really speak to him the rest of Easter night, didn't text or call. Today, I am still pretty upset but I tried to text him normal until he said "so when are you going to get over it" That really pissed me off, which is why I am here. I need to hear from others, is this a big deal or is it just me? I need someone to tell me if I am right to be pissed off that my boyfriend skipped out on a holiday with me. Responses please!! Thank you ALL in advance 1
Robert Z Posted March 28, 2016 Posted March 28, 2016 Why was he sleeping until 1 PM? Did he work late the night before or was he out partying? If the former, then I think you are being hasty. Maybe he was exhausted and you are being selfish. In the latter case, I'd be more worried about him not getting up before noon and then flaking out. Sounds like a loser. Maybe he didn't feel well. Or could he be uncomfortable with your family? 2
Quiet Storm Posted March 29, 2016 Posted March 29, 2016 I think it could show a couple things- maybe he's not dependable or he avoids conflict (he didn't want to go but didn't want to come right out and say it, so overslept). You need to be able to depend on him to do what he says he's gonna do. If he doesn't want to meet your family or do Easter dinners, he should be straight up about it. If family gatherings and holiday celebrations are important to you and he hates stuff like that, you either have to accept your differences or call it incompatibility and go your separate ways. Otherwise, you'll be having this same issue at the 4th of July cookout, Thanksgiving, Christmas, etc (you ending up mad and him avoiding it). You can't assume he knows your expectations, though. You should explain how important holidays and spending time with your family is to you. Some people aren't from families like that and they might not realize how much it means to you. 2
salparadise Posted March 29, 2016 Posted March 29, 2016 I call him at 1:30 and say "where are you, it's past 1" he tells me his phone alarm never went off to wake him up. Ah, the dog ate his homework. Who the heck can sleep 'til 1pm without getting up to empty their bladder? Had it been something he wanted to do he'd have gotten his ass up. I'd be as pissed about him blowing you off with the lame excuse as for not showing up. If he said he was going to be there, he should've been there, barring an actual emergency. If he does this kind of stuff with any regularity most people would lose respect and ultimately it would destroy the relationship. But you can't really change people- all you can do is say how you feel and file it for future reference. What he has to say later will give you some indication as well. Will he take responsibility and apologize, or will he continue acting as if it wasn't his fault? On of the things I love about my gf is high conscientiousness/reliability. Of course she is an adult. What your bf did is simply not adult behavior. How old is he? 2
Gloria25 Posted March 29, 2016 Posted March 29, 2016 Dating (unless you're looking for company) is to meet a "match" not to mold someone into what we want them to be. It takes about 1 1/2 to 2 years of dating (not friends, co-workers, LDRs, shacking up, engaged) to really get to know someone.... Well, you found out that stuff like Easter dinner isn't important to him. Time to decide if that's a deal breaker for you. 4
Robert Z Posted March 29, 2016 Posted March 29, 2016 (edited) It takes about 1 1/2 to 2 years of dating (not friends, co-workers, LDRs, shacking up, engaged) to really get to know someone.... I always grimace a bit when I read things like this. I was married 20 years before I realized that I had no idea who I had married. If we assume that she wasn't being deceptive and malicious, and for me that's a stretch, then perhaps the problem is that we are always changing, and who we married is always a moving target. Edited March 29, 2016 by Robert Z
basil67 Posted March 29, 2016 Posted March 29, 2016 I always grimace a bit when I read things like this. I was married 20 years before I realized that I had no idea who I had married. If we assume that she wasn't being deceptive and malicious, and for me that's a stretch, then perhaps the problem is that we are always changing, and who we married is always a moving target. Probably closer to the latter. The marriage counsellor for my previous marriage said that people always change throughout their lives. I agree wholeheartedly. We are like the cliffs being constantly shaped by wind and surf. Except for us, it's life experience and input which changes us. Mostly it's small input and small changes which happen. But a large life change can also alter us to a remarkable degree. For instance, having a disabled child has completely changed my political outlook. 1
Gloria25 Posted March 29, 2016 Posted March 29, 2016 Probably closer to the latter. The marriage counsellor for my previous marriage said that people always change throughout their lives. I agree wholeheartedly. We are like the cliffs being constantly shaped by wind and surf. Except for us, it's life experience and input which changes us. Mostly it's small input and small changes which happen. But a large life change can also alter us to a remarkable degree. For instance, having a disabled child has completely changed my political outlook. Agreed... IMO, people just don't turn into pumpkins after you marry them and/or over the years. Yes, we all do evolve, but at the end of the day we are who we are and unless you have a life changing event, damage from drugs, etc...we don't change "who" we are. Problem is, either people don't know how to observe their partner while dating and/or what to look for in a mate. I mean, look at this thread...dude is showing the OP who he is. Gotta pay attention to these little things. For example, growing up in a third world country and poor as heck, "me" had the same drive/ambition to get out of that and seek independence...while I had no idea that the military would be my path to get there, it was - and after I tried working ten jobs, etc....so, years later I'm still someone who works hard and is always looking forward. Yea, I've changed over the years, but "me" is still the same person.
mike_89 Posted March 29, 2016 Posted March 29, 2016 Well OP, you fell for this guy for a reason, and it is possible that him not wanting to come over for stuff like this is caused by some characteristic of him that you really love. If you like men who are a bit unavailable, then you can't be surprised that they don't want to come over for things like Easter. Was your family invited? Maybe he just dislikes them and doesn't tell you. The thing you must decide if this is indeed a deal-breaker, but you also have to keep in mind that, possibly, this behaviour flows from characteristics you like and need in a man to feel attracted to him. In that case, you will never find a man who is attractive to you and does not have these behaviours.
Author taylornicole015 Posted March 30, 2016 Author Posted March 30, 2016 Thank you for ALL your responses. It was insightful to hear since my own family and friends have said the same thing. I went to speak with him last night and the moment he got into my car he had nothing nice to say. He was full of rude comments and he actually told me he never wanted a commitment, he never wanted to talk about future stuff, he never saw us having a future or getting engaged or even seeing us lasting. This continued on for a little while he spoke his peace and I told him the only way we can stay together is if he decides to put in effort for this relationship and will starting putting me as a priority and he told me that's something he couldn't do. So I had to break up with him. I feel really upset after being with him for so long and having to officially have this over but at the same time it's like how could he lie to me so much throughout this relationship.. He told me everything I wanted to hear but now it turns out none of it was true.
jenkins95 Posted March 30, 2016 Posted March 30, 2016 ((((taylornicole015)))) I know that you're hurting, but you are better off without this guy who doesn't appreciate you and didn't treat you with respect, You did the right thing in ending it - well done! I must admit, I formed a bad impression as soon as I read that he was still in bed at lunchtime - it seems so lazy! (Although I admit that there could have been a legitimate explanation for that). The future is bright for you taylor! You will be over him and past this soon then the world is your oyster! I wish you all the best! J Thank you for ALL your responses. It was insightful to hear since my own family and friends have said the same thing. I went to speak with him last night and the moment he got into my car he had nothing nice to say. He was full of rude comments and he actually told me he never wanted a commitment, he never wanted to talk about future stuff, he never saw us having a future or getting engaged or even seeing us lasting. This continued on for a little while he spoke his peace and I told him the only way we can stay together is if he decides to put in effort for this relationship and will starting putting me as a priority and he told me that's something he couldn't do. So I had to break up with him. I feel really upset after being with him for so long and having to officially have this over but at the same time it's like how could he lie to me so much throughout this relationship.. He told me everything I wanted to hear but now it turns out none of it was true. 2
Omei Posted March 31, 2016 Posted March 31, 2016 Wow what an ass hole OP Glad you got to do the dumping, tho i'm sure that's what he was aiming for.
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