After the affair

[wmacbride]

if you are a bs, did you feel that there was an expectation of how you should react and behave?

 

I noticed a lot of people were expecting me to be courteous to the ow, to not say negative things about her, to just keep my feelings to myself, to be "dignified'.

 

I did all those things, was kind to the ow - at first- and even sent her a long message telling her that I was sorry if she had been hurt- I don't think she realy was, she was more angry that I didn't lash out at her- ,that I didn't blame her, and that I hoped she could go on to have a happy life.

 

I kept the A to myself as much as possible- though after a while the collateral damage was beyond my control.

 

The counselor i saw on my own, told me that whatever I was feeling was okay to feel, but it was how I acted on those feelings that made the difference. She stressed how important it was to not let the a turn me into someone I didn't recognize, and that it was really important that I maintained my core set of values.

 

For me, this meant no revenge A, no posting negative comments about the ow online that could identify her, continuing to make as good a home as possible for our children, standing up fo myself, etc.

 

Other people told me I needed to forgive to move on, that i needed to act dignified, never lash out, etc.

 

In the end, I forgave my H, but the ow? After everything she put me and our children through post-a, finding forgiveness has been a lot harder, and I'm still not there yet. Again, my counselor gave some good advice. She told me that you can't force something like that, and there really is nothing wrong with not forgiving someone so long as it doesn't eat up al your mental energy and keep you stuck.

 

 

How about you? Do you feel there are unfair expectations on a bs? Have you reached a place of forgiveness? Do you feel it matters? What do you think has helped you to move forward?

[katielee]

 

 

there really is nothing wrong with not forgiving someone so long as it doesn't eat up al your mental energy and keep you stuck.

 

this. I don't even think about forgiving either OW. they're not in my life. non-issue. hardly think of them.

My stepmother is an awful woman. I think about her maybe twice a year. What she did is unforgivable. So, I live my life not worrying about it.

People think unforgiveness leaves you bitter and resentful. I've never found it so.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I never think about the OW or the OM. I quite frankly do not care about either one of them. I don't give them the time of day.

 

I don't talk about our infidelities with anyone ....and neither does John. So I did not have to deal with other peoples expectations about how i should react or feel.

 

I concentrate on being the best person I can be.

 

I am glad I have loveshack because i can talk about things here with anonymity. When I have had too much...I can walk away and take a break.

[road]

There is never a reason to forgive the OM/OW.

 

 

However there is never a reason to give them the space in your mind to forever hate them. Best to just let the memory of them to fade away.

[Zenstudent]

In the end, I forgave my H, but the ow? After everything she put me and our children through post-a, finding forgiveness has been a lot harder, and I'm still not there yet. Again, my counselor gave some good advice. She told me that you can't force something like that, and there really is nothing wrong with not forgiving someone so long as it doesn't eat up al your mental energy and keep you stuck.

 

 

How about you? Do you feel there are unfair expectations on a bs? Have you reached a place of forgiveness? Do you feel it matters? What do you think has helped you to move forward?

 

No reason for me to forgive OM, he hasn't asked for my forgiveness and I believe that he couldn't care less about my nuked marriage.

 

As for other peoples expectations... I couldn't care less either

[minimariah]

How about you? Do you feel there are unfair expectations on a bs?

 

absolutely!

 

it's a paradox, really --- the APs are immature for having an affair but it is expected from the BS to handle it with DIGNITY; immaturity is tolerated from the APs but not from the BS & every "meltdown" is viewed as some kind of confirmation that the BS is mentally unstable. so the person who is suffering the most & is probably blindsided needs to offer kindness and understanding to folks who caused that person pain - unfair.

 

Have you reached a place of forgiveness? Do you feel it matters?

 

i did - with my xH, i don't think it came to me through work. as in, i didn't plan to forgive him. i was minding my own business, being civil - it helped that he was TRULY remorseful and after some time... i realized i simply wasn't angry anymore. at that point, i guess... i forgave.

 

do i think it matters? no. honestly. what will bring the BS peace? presence or some feeling of justice and that has nothing to do with forgiveness.

 

in fact - i feel like forgiveness is often pushed and forced on the BS without allowing them to fully experience a whole range of emotions.

 

What do you think has helped you to move forward?

 

little things... enjoying little things.

 

& mostly - falling in love all over again. with someone else.

[jnel921]

The A happened in my M and I did not need to share this with anyone nor did I want to hear anyone else's opinions or feelings about it because ultimately in the end the decision to stay was my own.

 

As far as the OW. I had only one conversation with her that honestly I wish I had never had. She was non important and still is. I could give a rat's a$$ about her or her feelings blah blah blah.

 

I really don't understand why some people here are hell bent on sending no contact letters and having any kind of communication. The best way to treat the OW is to shut her down. No communication period. Eventually they will get the point that they are not important.

 

If I had to treat or be around the OW in any way then I just wouldn't stay M. That's too much to do after you WS betrays you like that. I care about me. I protect myself. To hell with the AP.

[heartwhole]

I don't know, honestly. I think my best friend and sister whom I told right away expected me to be angrier . . . they were so angry and I was just in shock. I am a "take the high road" kind of person so I did initially just feel sympathy for the OW for putting herself in that situation and being taken advantage of. On DD I was asking, "But how could you do that to HER?" Of course I was angry for my own sake but I usually think of other people before myself. In IC I have been working on putting myself first -- surely that dynamic allowed WH's affair to germinate.

 

On DD WH was so mixed up that I think he expected me to say, "Wow! You're right! Our marriage is crap and your actions are totally justifiable and I'll just slink away so you can have your happily ever after!" I don't know. It was so confusing. By the time I found out it was a PA two weeks later, I did tell him to slink away into the sunset with her, but by that point he was out of the fog and scared by how angry our friends and my sister were. He secretly put a house around the block under contract because he was so sure I would kick him out when I found out about the PA, but when I did find out and didn't murder him, he immediately got out of the contract and recommitted to our marriage. Such a crazy and confusing time.

 

WH met the OW (who lives abroad) through mutual friends. I think they only think it was an EA but who knows. When it all hit the fan, she sobbed to them about her heartbreak and they were like, "WTF? Are you crazy? He's MARRIED. Who do you think you are?" and they cut her off. They reached out to me to express how awful they felt and I just said, I'm a big girl . . . WH is the one who needs the emotional support. That's how I felt at the time. As a woman I do think it's unfair that she bears the scarlet A and WH gets to continue on like he's an innocent victim here, but I'm not going to pretend that it's not a relief that she's not connected to us in any way any more. We must all bear the natural consequences of our actions.

 

Nobody told me to take the high road or anything. My IC says I am more principled than the average person; nobody had to talk me off the ledge of doing anything beneath me. I do think WH thought I would get over it faster. I have disavowed him of that notion. Just last night I told him that it still feels like it was just yesterday (it's been almost a year) and he said, "It feels like an ETERNITY ago to me that I was in that bad place."

[heartwhole]

Re forgiveness . . .

 

I'm not ready to say I forgive. The wound still bleeds. But my natural inclination is to understand and accept that others make choices that are different than mine and that I can only worry about my own choices.

 

I look at what the OW did. She met my WH, kept in touch with him, and then told him she was falling in love with him. She knew that we lived on a different continent. A quick google search would have told her how long a divorce takes where we live (over a year) and how difficult it would be for her to get a visa here. So even in the very best of circumstances, her chances of a happily ever after were low. On the other hand, the chances that I would be hurt were 100%. The chances that my children would be affected were 100%. I can accept that she is a person with weaknesses and heartaches who made the choices that she did out of a desperate hope. I can understand that she didn't know how to do any better. But do I forgive her for giving herself permission to hurt me and my children and my husband? No. And I note with derision that she continues to follow things related to us online, she continues to post thinly veiled references to her heartache, she continues to act as though she has any right to us. She knew my husband start to finish for less than six months but a year later, she is still holding on. I no longer see her with the compassion that I did on DD. Now I just think, "Seriously? You can't do any better than this?"

 

Likewise, I can accept and understand my husband's actions. But I am not ready to say I have fully forgiven him. That's a big ask. I have my faults -- I'm sharp at the edges and I can be single-minded and withdraw into myself -- but I don't hurt others wantonly. I don't lie. I have never done anything I would be ashamed of the whole world knowing. Can I say, "I forgive you for cheating on me" and leave it at that, forever? No. Maybe one day. I tell him that I see him and appreciate him and accept him. But I can't say "forgive" yet.

[seren]

Everyone who knew expected me to tear her house down and destroy her life. I did the opposite, I knew her husband was violent and so chose not to tell him, when someone did tell him, I helped her arrange to go to a refuge (I had contacts through work). I did not see how I could hate her, sure hate what she did and her role in the A, but to hate her i figured I would have to hate my husband, I didn't.

 

Unfortunately she stalked me (not him) for 6 years, silent calls, then telling me he was dead when he was in Iraq, for a moment I believed it, but then realised this is not how the military do this. Even though we moved several times - The first because I knew if I did meet her face to face I could not predict how I would react and my job required me to be squeaky clean, - she continued to track us down through her job. It was all very unpleasant.

 

I never listened to people who thought I needed to hear she was this or that, neither did I listen if H did that. I felt and feel indifference.

[wmacbride]

. Just last night I told him that it still feels like it was just yesterday (it's been almost a year) and he said, "It feels like an ETERNITY ago to me that I was in that bad place."

 

I find this really interesting. I've heard the same sort of thing from other bs's. I have often wondered why there is such a difference. One of my own hypothesis is that it's because a ws has had time to process the whole situation, and has likely been going over it and over it in their mind. A bs has not had that luxury.

[TrustedthenBusted]

I kicked the OM's ass. Then he moved 3000 miles away ( unrelated ) if I saw him today, I'd kick his ass again. If I run into him in 15 years, I'll probably kick his ass.

 

When he dies, send him a card that says, " Glad you're dead. If you were alive, I'd kick your ass.

 

When it comes to OM/OWs. Never forgive. Never forget.

[whichwayisup]

After everything she put me and our children through post-a

 

May I ask what she did post affair?

 

Look, you have every right to feel whatever you feel and NOBODY should tell you or dictate to you how to feel or to express yourself. You have every right to be angry at her, to not forgive her (right now), to feel sad etc. Forgiveness takes time and not enough time has gone by.

[Mr Blunt]

H

How about you? Do you feel there are unfair expectations on a bs?

No, because in my case the expectations of others was almost non-existent. It would not have mattered a whole lot what other exceptions were as I knew that I had to handle most of this myself without the expectations of others being a major factor. You control how much affect other expectations have on you.

 

 

 

Have you reached a place of forgiveness?

My summary definition of forgiveness is that I do not have resentment bitterness, hatred, or revenge in my emotions. With that definition I can tell you that I have reached the place of forgiveness.

 

 

Do you feel it matters?

Yes, I think forgiveness matters a lot in my life. I do not want my joy in life to be tainted by hatred and bitterness.

 

 

 

 

What do you think has helped you to move forward?

Improving myself, becoming more self-sufficient, having other loved ones that helped to fill the emotional gap, and becoming more aware of my faith and being grateful for the blessing that I have.

 

 

By careful introspection of my short-comings I found that my failures were not the reason for my wife betraying me. My continued actions in improving in my short-cummings warded off the attacks against my self-esteem. When I found out about the betrayal I first thought that I was to blame; I was not to blame. I have a good life!

[wmacbride]

May I ask what she did post affair?

 

Look, you have every right to feel whatever you feel and NOBODY should tell you or dictate to you how to feel or to express yourself. You have every right to be angry at her, to not forgive her (right now), to feel sad etc. Forgiveness takes time and not enough time has gone by.

 

His ex=ow had (s) some personality issues.

 

After their a ended, she did the following:

- started sending me tons of emails about how she was miserable and it was all my fault

 

- she started sending me messages saying she was going to hurt because she was so unhappy and it was all my fault ( that bothered me, so I got help for her- it could just have been an idle threat, but you never know)

 

- there were innumerable hang up calls from her

 

- she'd sit outside our home in her car for hours, just watching us

 

- when we came across her one day ( my kids and I) when he was still waffling around and was staying at her place, she smugly asked my kids how she liked their daddy being gone. At first I didn't recognize her, but after I did, I was too stunned to say anything. My kids were crying, and she sneered and walked away.

 

- when my husband was a few months into his deployment, she sent him "anonymous" messages telling him i was cheating on him- which I wasn't.

 

- even after he came home, I still kept getting emails from her, which were diverted into a folder I had made for the, that way, I didn't have to see them, but i still had them if I needed them for legal reasons. Turned out that I did.

 

-There were many other things, but I won;t go into them here.

 

We finally had to get legal help to get her to leave us alone. She was a serial ow who had moved on to new mm by then, but that didn't stop her from making a pest of herself.

 

Part of me feels bad for her, as I can't imagine being so unhappy that the only way you can feel good about yourself it to hurt others.

[gettingstronger]

Our OW also intruded after the affair- I handled it well sometimes and not so well other times- I guess I never really thought about how I should act post-discovery- it was all uncharted territory for me- I know my husband wished I would heal faster than I have, not because he expected it but because I am normally very happy go lucky and him knowing he was the reason my outlook changed was painful for him- I do recall a few times he brought it up and I told him it put pressure on me and I didn't ask to be put in this position so he would just have to deal with it. He rarely if ever, talks about how I should react to any of this, he just tries to comfort me.

 

 

As I think as I write, I guess I do sometimes wish I would be "over it" by now, but I know I am doing the best I can with a burden I never asked for-

[wmacbride]

Our OW also intruded after the affair- I handled it well sometimes and not so well other times- I guess I never really thought about how I should act post-discovery- it was all uncharted territory for me- I know my husband wished I would heal faster than I have, not because he expected it but because I am normally very happy go lucky and him knowing he was the reason my outlook changed was painful for him- I do recall a few times he brought it up and I told him it put pressure on me and I didn't ask to be put in this position so he would just have to deal with it. He rarely if ever, talks about how I should react to any of this, he just tries to comfort me.

 

 

As I think as I write, I guess I do sometimes wish I would be "over it" by now, but I know I am doing the best I can with a burden I never asked for-

 

 

That's really all you can do. it takes time, but in my experience, the things that are the most worthwhile often take the longest.

[heartwhole]

I find this really interesting. I've heard the same sort of thing from other bs's. I have often wondered why there is such a difference. One of my own hypothesis is that it's because a ws has had time to process the whole situation, and has likely been going over it and over it in their mind. A bs has not had that luxury.

 

One day you don't have any clue that your husband has a secret girlfriend . . . it is such a huge thing to process, what it all means, is it over, what will you do going forward . . . I did have the presence of mind to explain it to him at like 2 months when he was saying that he just wished we could move forward without looking in the rearview mirror. I said, well, you were ready for that relationship to be over. It was becoming stressful and you realized that the fantasy would never become reality. It was a relief when it ended. For me, I didn't even have any clue you were having an affair. It ended for you on that day, but it started for me.

 

I also think that the WS thinks of it just in terms of whether or not the A is over. Then they recommit to the marriage and are all, "Aren't you a lucky duck! I picked you! Let's get back to business as usual." The BS thinks of it in terms of whether or not they can rebuild something safe and secure with the seemingly unsafe WS. I am not sticking around for "business as usual." I will only stay if he can fundamentally change the way he copes and prioritizes.

 

I feel like it's only been about two or three months where my husband has actually been humble, sacrificial, consistent, remorseful in his bones . . . The first 8 or 9 months, yes, there was progress and he was fully committed to me and sorry for the affair, but he hadn't dug deep yet. So I feel like it has taken this long just to get on the same page. I remember at 7 months he actually said, "So you're saying the affair is all my fault and not your fault at all?" in total incredulity. And I was incredulous that so much time had passed and he still thought that me being distant and too sick to do fun things with him meant it was OK to lie and cheat. Seriously? I responded, "That's EXACTLY what I'm saying. I am 0% responsible for your decision to have an affair." That was around when he started IC, thankfully.

[TrustedthenBusted]

I also think that the WS thinks of it just in terms of whether or not the A is over. Then they recommit to the marriage and are all, "Aren't you a lucky duck! I picked you! Let's get back to business as usual."

 

I think a lot of us experience this, and struggle with it. My wife also tried to get me to accept some amount of blame, not for her affair, but for the circumstances that lead up to it.

 

I told her that one of the biggest mistakes I made prior to her affair was overestimating the strength of our bond and our level of commitment to each other. I told her I "took her for granted" in that because we were married, we were somehow affair proof, and I promised will never take her for granted like that again.

 

I don't think that was exactly the type of blame she was hoping for me to accept, but it's what she got. And it's true.

 

But I mean...I thought that's what marriage vows are for right? I guess going forward I will know better.

[strugglinghubby]

No way, I'll never forgive the OM. First off the only thing I owe him is a punch in the face, I don't owe him respect, kindness least of all forgiveness.

 

In terms of my ww's expectations of how I should act, I really think that pulling a strong 180 snuffed that out completely. That was the key thing that changed who held the 'power' so to speak in the relationship as she was coming out of the affair fog.

[Jersey born raised]

Hi, a lot of thoughts but I need time tp compose a response. For now just two items to address.

 

Forgivence for adultery is perhaps to bitter of a pill. It ranks with murder of a love one or rape. I in the case of adultery I can accept my issues that created a toxic environment. I can accept the the toxic environment lead to toxic action. But forgiveness, perhaps acceptance is the best I can offer.

 

As to the BS vs the WW spouse feelings during reconcillation. The WS knows the adultery is over and views going forward as a simple matter going forward. The BS is in the same boat as men pre-DNA with the question of paternity for man who where BS. The WW may be sure, the BH will never truly know. It is very hard to live with type of uncertainty on such an important matter.

[Little Of Me Left]

I will never forgive. Just don't have it in me. When I was sick and in pain, he chose to ignore me and care more about OW's self-inflicted drama. After D-Day he kept their relationship going, minimised it and lied to my face through numerous false R's. Now he's terribly sad that he's lost me as his "best friend" and keeps in contact no matter what I do, telling me how much he "cares".

The OW is a colleague. I see her everyday and she hangs out with my former friends. She bleated to them how mentally unstable I was and how I deserved what happened. Low grade harrassment continues to this day.

He's told me that my lack of empathy to OW makes me a horrible horrible person. She is a delicate mislead buttercup with a broken heart.

She knew he was in a years long relationship. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes, that's my view.

Edited April 5, 2016 by Little Of Me Left
Words :/

[Miss Clavel]

I will never forgive. Just don't have it in me. When I was sick and in pain, he chose to ignore me and care more about OW's self-inflicted drama. After D-Day he kept their relationship going, minimised it and lied to my face through numerous false R's. Now he's terribly sad that he's lost me as his "best friend" and keeps in contact no matter what I do, telling me how much he "cares".

The OW is a colleague. I see her everyday and she hangs out with my former friends. She bleated to them how mentally unstable I was and how I deserved what happened. Low grade harrassment continues to this day.

He's told me that my lack of empathy to OW makes me a horrible horrible person. She is a delicate mislead buttercup with a broken heart.

She knew he was in a years long relationship. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes, that's my view.

 

if my ex and his "soul mate" were not so boring and predictable, i'd of broke her nose. as it was, i just could not be bothered.

 

what i did do was remove myself from their love "triangle" which apparently caused it to collapse.

 

[ladydesigner]

I think a lot of us experience this, and struggle with it. My wife also tried to get me to accept some amount of blame, not for her affair, but for the circumstances that lead up to it.

 

I told her that one of the biggest mistakes I made prior to her affair was overestimating the strength of our bond and our level of commitment to each other. I told her I "took her for granted" in that because we were married, we were somehow affair proof, and I promised will never take her for granted like that again.

 

I don't think that was exactly the type of blame she was hoping for me to accept, but it's what she got. And it's true.

 

But I mean...I thought that's what marriage vows are for right? I guess going forward I will know better.

 

I am on board with this thinking. Exactly how I feel. I will never give someone that kind of Carte Blanche trust ever again.

[ladydesigner]

I will never forgive. Just don't have it in me. When I was sick and in pain, he chose to ignore me and care more about OW's self-inflicted drama. After D-Day he kept their relationship going, minimised it and lied to my face through numerous false R's. Now he's terribly sad that he's lost me as his "best friend" and keeps in contact no matter what I do, telling me how much he "cares".

The OW is a colleague. I see her everyday and she hangs out with my former friends. She bleated to them how mentally unstable I was and how I deserved what happened. Low grade harrassment continues to this day.

He's told me that my lack of empathy to OW makes me a horrible horrible person. She is a delicate mislead buttercup with a broken heart.

She knew he was in a years long relationship. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes, that's my view.

 

(((Little Of Me Left))) your OW sounds just like my MOW. Too bad our MOW got burned in the end which made her appear mentally unstable as well (she told me numerous times I was mentally unstable which you could say I was because my WH would never end the A yet tell me we were working on the M total mind****). WS's like ours would make any sane person go insane. These OW just fell for their manipulation hook line and sinker.

 

I'm with Miss Clavel. I would have clocked MOW if we were ever face to face, but she just isn't worth my time anymore. She's just about as stupid and unempathetic as my WH is.