Jump to content

I don't know the real reason for my gf breaking up. Should I ask?

ctrlindustries

By ctrlindustries
in Breaks and Breaking Up

 Share
While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!

Recommended Posts

  • Author
ctrlindustries Member

ctrlindustries

Posted
  • Author
Posted

QUESTION:

 

Its been 2 weeks since we broke up....

 

I want to salvage the possibility of dating this woman again. In order to not make the same errors if any possibility of getting back together...

 

isn't it important to know the real reasons? I have heard countless stories from people i know who broke up and got back together and unfortunately most of them were from persistence of the male on and on and on... and now married.

Chi townD Established Member

Chi townD

Posted
Posted (edited)

I was on my own and scared and I had an anxiety attack which is why I was ringing you but in the end I had to call someone else.

They way I see it now is that I really don't know you.

I would never do that to someone, and I was really shocked that you would; you were the cause of my anxiety and you didn't have the decency to pick up the phone to me after you worked me into a state for the whole night.

This could have all been avoided had you not acted like you have been by not answering the phone or texting back. All you had to do was call me last night and tell me you had just dropped my stuff off instead of scaring me half to death.

I don't think there is anything else that can be said so good luck with your life and you won't be hearing from me again."

 

She then blocks me from

Everything social media.

 

 

See, right there. This is called blameshifting. It's because of YOU that she got scared. It's because of YOU she had an anxiety attack. This was YOUR fault because this could have all been avoided if you would have given into what I wanted.

 

Dude, she's demonizing you to justify to herself that dropping you was the right choice. But, here's the rub, you didn't do anything wrong. You weren't responsible for her leaving, that was her choice. You weren't responsible for her living in a crap neighborhood, that was her choice. You aren't responsible for her having an anxiety attack that was her fault for being irrational.

 

Look, she made the choice to have you out of her life. So, she shouldn't get mad if you're giving her EXACTLY what she's asking for!

Edited by Chi townD
  • Like 1
  • Author
ctrlindustries Member

ctrlindustries

Posted
  • Author
Posted
See, right there. This is called blameshifting. It's because of YOU that she got scared. It's because of YOU she had an anxiety attack. This was YOUR fault because this could have all been avoided if you would have given into what I wanted.

 

Dude, she's demonizing you to justify to herself that dropping you was the right choice. But, here's the rub, you didn't do anything wrong. You weren't responsible for her leaving, that was her choice. You weren't responsible for her living in a crap neighborhood, that was her choice. You aren't responsible for her having an anxiety attack that was her fault for being irrational.

 

Look, she made the choice to have you out of her life. So, she shouldn't get mad if you're giving her EXACTLY what she's asking for!

 

But... i updated this thread with

 

My gf moved out from where we were living together and then said she didn't know if she wanted to be in a relationship as there were a few things but mainly she wanted her own space and she just wasn't feeling like being in a relationship.

 

Translation is attraction is lost. But it turned so quickly and when I think back to when we broke up mid March, I can't believe that those events unfolded and it's now sinking in. It's horrible. That I don't know the real reason.

 

Should I be asking now that a couple weeks have passed? Reason it's so bad is because I want this woman that much and in love with her also. I had nothing bad to say about her. We travelled a lot and share a lot of great memories.

LD1990 Established Member

LD1990

Posted
Posted

elaine567 already gave you a great response regarding getting the reasons behind a breakup. Chances are it's not gonna help. She may not even tell you the truth. What exactly are you hoping to gain from finding out why she dumped you? It'll only prolong your healing process. Move on from her and live the best life you can instead of worrying about what's going on in her head, because you'll never really know.

  • Like 1
ConfusedHumanBeing Established Member

ConfusedHumanBeing

Posted
Posted
But... i updated this thread with

 

My gf moved out from where we were living together and then said she didn't know if she wanted to be in a relationship as there were a few things but mainly she wanted her own space and she just wasn't feeling like being in a relationship.

 

Translation is attraction is lost. But it turned so quickly and when I think back to when we broke up mid March, I can't believe that those events unfolded and it's now sinking in. It's horrible. That I don't know the real reason.

 

Should I be asking now that a couple weeks have passed? Reason it's so bad is because I want this woman that much and in love with her also. I had nothing bad to say about her. We travelled a lot and share a lot of great memories.

 

Because you don't know why is not the reason you feel the way that you do. As soon as she tells you (probably lying about it you'll never get the real truth anyways) then something else you REALLY want to know will come up, then another, then another....

 

Its an endless cycle that doesn't take you anywhere. You'll never know the real reason and anything you talk to her about now as such, you'll look desperate and clingy. That's a horrible look for anyone.

 

Accepting that it's over and realizing the whole process of recovery takes a whole is the most important. Don't get caught up in the "what if I did _____" game. People change, emotions aren't always the same, and people (no matter how long together) can grow apart. She sounds like she has.

 

Sucks and I get that 1000 percent....but you gotta keep moving forward. You'll get over this I promise you.

mightycpa Established Member

mightycpa

Posted
Posted
OP, but after she told you she wasn't sure she wanted a relationship, you said you had sex but then got the impression she did not want to be with you anymore.

 

So you asked her if she had meant everything she had said (that being she did not want to be in RL anymore which we all know means she wants to break up)..

 

And then asked her "do you think you will be happier this way"?

 

To which she responded "yes".

 

I dunno, in my mind that = she broke up with you.

 

After which you should have immediately blocked her and then gone no contact.

 

Not to punish her, but to heal your heart so you can move on ....and avoid having to deal with her attempts to manipulate and guilt trip you....which IMO was precisely what she was doing.

 

He first text Sunday night was *are you okay*?

 

When you didn't respond, which you were under no obligation to (since she essentially ended the relationship)... ..her anxieties kicked in, and thus her guilt inducing texts and calls begin in an attempt to manipulate you into calling.

 

Why? Who knows. But it is just too much of a coincidence that all this shyt happens immediately after she realized you are not returning calls and moving on.

 

Can you not see this?

 

Again, who cares why she freaked out when you didn't return calls ...she ended the relationship, maybe she had second thoughts (doubtful)... She most likely missed your *attention* ...not to be confused with missing *you* and was pulling out all the stops to get it.

 

And yes essentially you were ignoring her, as well you should have IMO as again, she had just broken up with you.

I agree with this completely, but YOU (OP) WEREN'T SERIOUS ABOUT IT. The only proper response to being told after your great sex that she didn't want to be in a relationship was to say goodbye. The only proper response to her call where she said "SEE YA" was to ignore it. She moved out, she moved to a ****ty area, she was scared, that is her life now. Actions have consequences. She wants you to buffer her life for her, but she's not willing to be the kind of person that you should buffer your life for. She's not with you in a romance, she's using you for comfort and giving you **** because life was tough.

 

Life is tough. For her, it just got tougher.

 

Oh, and contrary to what you're thinking, it doesn't matter what she thinks about you. Whatever it is, it is not what you want her to think about you. She's made that clear.

  • Like 2
  • Author
ctrlindustries Member

ctrlindustries

Posted
  • Author
Posted

 

Accepting that it's over and realizing the whole process of recovery takes a whole is the most important. Don't get caught up in the "what if I did _____" game. People change, emotions aren't always the same, and people (no matter how long together) can grow apart. She sounds like she has.

 

Sucks and I get that 1000 percent....but you gotta keep moving forward. You'll get over this I promise you.

 

Thanks for replying confusedhumanbeing.

 

I dont doubt at all that I can get over it after a series of seeing other women but I don't believe the reasons for us breaking up are serious enough to over ride the good stuff that we have. Hence why the action to take after No contact....

 

Should i ignore it and try to attract all over again and go as a guy normally would who knows what he is doing and try to be friends and hang out and step things up closer to building that friendship again... or ...?

Steven1 Established Member

Steven1

Posted
Posted

If you want some updated advice from me, obviously only you know what your relationship was like in general.

 

I was with my ex for 7 years, we 'broke up' about 9 weeks ago, but it was never completely confirmed as she said at the time she wanted space etc. Yesterday however it was confirmed. She told me that her romantic feelings for me had gone, and that she's been speaking to someone else for a while and that quite possibly something will happen soon between them. That killed me, but I did appreciate her telling. She didn't have to as it's not really my business anymore. But she told me as best she could as to why she didn't want to be with me anymore.

 

I think as hard as it is, knowing the real reasons as to why can be of some help. It's not really a 'comfort' but it does bring a level of acceptance rather than have everything playing on your mind as to what might have happened etc.

BC1980 Established Member

BC1980

Posted
Posted
Thanks for replying confusedhumanbeing.

 

I dont doubt at all that I can get over it after a series of seeing other women but I don't believe the reasons for us breaking up are serious enough to over ride the good stuff that we have. Hence why the action to take after No contact....

 

Should i ignore it and try to attract all over again and go as a guy normally would who knows what he is doing and try to be friends and hang out and step things up closer to building that friendship again... or ...?

 

But she does think the reasons for breaking up were serious enough to discount the good stuff. So it doesn't really matter if you disagree because you need two people to be on the same page to move forward.

  • Like 1
kgcolonel Established Member

kgcolonel

Posted
Posted
Thanks for replying confusedhumanbeing.

 

I dont doubt at all that I can get over it after a series of seeing other women but I don't believe the reasons for us breaking up are serious enough to over ride the good stuff that we have. Hence why the action to take after No contact....

 

Should i ignore it and try to attract all over again and go as a guy normally would who knows what he is doing and try to be friends and hang out and step things up closer to building that friendship again... or ...?

 

The reasons for the breakup may not have been good enough for you but they were good enough for her and it was her that pulled the plug

 

The very best thing you can do now is to give here the space, no contact etc....begin to make yourself look like a viable individual to any female...(this will possibly include her). Do not continue to hold on to what you two had but be greatful for the times you had and look for someone who would never do this to you again. She likely has additional reasons but they really do not effect the outcome....you two are broken up and it is time to begin to heal yourself as an individual.....right now you are torturing yourself.

  • Like 1
Toodaloo Established Member

Toodaloo

Posted
Posted
I'm 28. She is 26. I lived with someone before that for 3 years who I lost attraction to and broke up with.

 

This is the first relationship that I have been with someone that has everything I look for in values, interests and passions.

 

Mmm and she can't even stick around for a year then is all drama queen?

 

Be glad and move on.

  • Author
ctrlindustries Member

ctrlindustries

Posted
  • Author
Posted
The reasons for the breakup may not have been good enough for you but they were good enough for her and it was her that pulled the plug

 

The very best thing you can do now is to give here the space, no contact etc....begin to make yourself look like a viable individual to any female...(this will possibly include her). Do not continue to hold on to what you two had but be greatful for the times you had and look for someone who would never do this to you again. She likely has additional reasons but they really do not effect the outcome....you two are broken up and it is time to begin to heal yourself as an individual.....right now you are torturing yourself.

 

This is the best thing I have read so far.

You are 100% correct. A large weight has been lifted off of my brain.

I just took a deep breath, exhaled and all will be better.

I'm happy to close this thread off at that.

 Share
Go to topic listing
×
×
  • Create New...