I don't know the real reason for my gf breaking up. Should I ask?

[ctrlindustries]

Ive been dating a woman for the last 10 months. Things were always amazing until recently when we had building works in the flat I live in. We had to live in one room.

 

I'm a hardworking guy and i drive, and look after my partner really well. She teaches in the school behind where i live. We have been on holiday 5 times as she never traveled in her previous 6 year relationship.

 

In february she told me one day.. I want to move out. I had agreed to let one of her friends stay and through me paying a little less attention to her, and she signed a new lease to rent with the friend i let stay for a couple weeks. I shouldnt have as we needed quality time together.

 

She moved out but didn't want to break up. But last week, she told me that she doesnt KNOW if she wants to be in a relationship on the Saturday night. I stayed over and we had sex and was great, and then in the morning again. My impression was that she didn't want to be with me. I had asked her.. in the morning. "Did you mean everything you said last night"... and "Do you think you'll be happier this way?" and she said yes. So I left to go to work and in a bit of a state. I love this woman more than anything or anyone I have ever encountered.

 

HERE ARE THE KEY EVENTS AFTER

 

- She texts me on sunday evening to ask if i am okay. I did not reply

- Monday - She calls and texts me continuously throughout the day but I did not reply. She also needs her stuff i have left over that is hers. I am thinking she is just calling because she thinks i am ignoring her and wont give back her stuff.

- She texts me to say "YOU WONT REPLY..FINE.. I WILL SEE YOU TOMORROW THEN" she knows I am off work on tuesdays.

- That evening, without announcing it, i went to go drop her stuff to her. She doesnt live in the best area. I knocked on door and a minute had passed and nobody had come to collect the stuff. I knocked again and waited a minute... and then i texted her to say "If you dont grab you stuff from outside... it may get stolen!". I was too upset to see her.

- She then calls me and leaves a voicemail crying saying she really needs to speak with me and there is nobody else she can call. Her voicemail was in tears but I continued no contact as in my head we were broken up and i was upset.

- She stops ringing me at 9.45pm....

- Next day she sends this text to me:

 

"I wasn't even going to bother texting you, but I don't see the point in not being straightforward at this stage.

I was in a terrible state last night, I had to call the doctor because I thought I was having an asthma attack but it was an anxiety attack.

You scared the **** out of me last night.

There has been a group of men hanging around near the parking spaces where I live. I actually turned back and went back to the shops last weekend to avoid them, when I came back again they had gone.

When standing out the back I've heard a couple of lads getting sick the other night so as you can tell I am weary of where I live.

Because you wouldn't text or answer the phone to me I was worried about you so didn't expect you at the door.

When you were wrapping at the door it took me by surprise and when I went to the door I couldn't see anyone through the peep hole. You knocked again and I shouted who is it, what do you want and no answer. At this stage I was agitated and phoned the police. They said they would call around because when I was on the phone they heard you banging and I was crying.

Then you text me and I grabbed the bag from outside.

You know what state I was in last night, you got my voice messages and my texts.

I was on my own and scared and I had an anxiety attack which is why I was ringing you but in the end I had to call someone else.

They way I see it now is that I really don't know you.

I would never do that to someone, and I was really shocked that you would; you were the cause of my anxiety and you didn't have the decency to pick up the phone to me after you worked me into a state for the whole night.

This could have all been avoided had you not acted like you have been by not answering the phone or texting back. All you had to do was call me last night and tell me you had just dropped my stuff off instead of scaring me half to death.

I don't think there is anything else that can be said so good luck with your life and you won't be hearing from me again."

 

She then blocks me from

Everything social media.

 

I love her more than anything. I want to be with this woman.

 

I sent her some flowers to where she works a few days later.

 

She has then unblocked me on whatsapp but not spoken to me or said thanks for flowers. But why would anyone unblock someone if they didn't wanna talk to them? If she never wants to contact me again why would she unblock me willingly?

 

I sent her this text on Friday:

 

" I'm really sorry about the other day.

It was only when I got to your front door to drop things at your door that I realised how much I love you. I made a horrible mistake not picking up the phone to you as I was so distraught.

I would love to make it up to you as I booked this Sunday off and would love to take you out if you'll allow me to. Xx "

 

No response.

 

Today.. as much as I didn't want to go on her facebook (I am trying my hardest to not focus on her... but she changed her profile picture to one of her on holiday in thailand where we went.. she she would be thinking of the holiday we had there which was amazing. Out of all the ones she could have had.. she chose that one.

 

She was willing to come and knock on my door to get me and she wanted me to come back for her that evening and I didn't. Should i show up to her house and knock for her at a reasonable time when she is home? She is also the type that would do that but during this period of No contact from Tuesday I am confused as to how to approach this as to whether an immediate salvage is best or whether following standard protocol is best. I am confused.

 

We didn't really break up over anything bad or huge. I'm stuck

[Satu]

snip

She then calls me and leaves a voicemail crying saying she really needs to speak with me and there is nobody else she can call. Her voicemail was in tears but *I continued no contact as in my head we were broken up and i was upset.

 

 

*during this period of No contact from Tuesday I am confused as to how to approach this as to whether an immediate salvage is best or whether following standard protocol is best. I am confused.

 

We didn't really break up over anything bad or huge. I'm stuck

 

 

*This wasn't a period of no contact. It was a period of you ignoring her, when she was obviously desperate to get in touch with you.

 

Its also called 'the silent treatment.'

 

"For those in or getting out of a romantic relationship with a self-absorbed individual, the silent treatment can feel like a punishment worse than death.

 

The silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse typically employed by people with narcissistic tendencies. It is designed to (1) place the abuser in a position of control; (2) silence the target’s attempts at assertion; (3) avoid conflict resolution/personal responsibility/compromise; or (4) punish the target for a perceived ego slight. Often, the result of the silent treatment is exactly what the person with narcissism wishes to create: a reaction from the target and a sense of control."

 

Source here.

 

Its going to be very hard for her to forgive you for this.

[d0nnivain]

I think you need to just let her go. She wanted out. You let her go. Then she seems to have lost her mind & made a bunch of bad choices. But seriously, to have a panic attack so bad that she needed to call a doctor because she didn't know who was knocking at her door, even after you texted her, seems over the top.

 

 

You can't fix this because she was the one who broke up with you. Even if you are inclined to take her back, she's just going to do this again. She already cavalierly threw you away once; don't let her do it again

[ctrlindustries]

 

 

The silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse typically employed by people with narcissistic tendencies. It is designed to (1) place the abuser in a position of control; (2) silence the target’s attempts at assertion; (3) avoid conflict resolution/personal responsibility/compromise; or (4) punish the target for a perceived ego slight. Often, the result of the silent treatment is exactly what the person with narcissism wishes to create: a reaction from the target and a sense of control."

 

Its going to be very hard for her to forgive you for this.

 

So what can I do? Should i be seeing her to apologize?

I know it may be very hard but I am willing to try.

[Satu]

So what can I do? Should i be seeing her to apologize?

I know it may be very hard but I am willing to try.

 

There's nothing wrong with trying, but don't do that to anyone again.

[katiegrl]

Satu ...I am not understanding your rationale in calling the OP abusive?

 

SHE broke up with him ...SHE ended the RL!

 

After which he did the right thing and one we always advise on this board -- he went no contact!

 

He actually should have blocked her immediately after SHE dumped him.

 

But he did not, so received her calls.

 

What was he supposed to do, jump like a puppy because the woman who just broke up with him decided, for one reason or another, she wanted attention from him?

 

I am not even sure I believe this *story* of hers whatever the hell it was.

 

Since she obviously has a phone, instead of calling the man she just broke up with, she should have called 911!

 

And this other story about the guys outside her house or whatevs, sorry I don't believe her.....she used that story to *guilt trip* him for not jumping like a puppy and taking her call, after, again, SHE broke up with him.

 

Lesson for those who do the dumping -- you just dumped your partner. It is then wrong and completely selfish for you to then expect this person to remain in your life, jumping when you need help, etc.

 

And then guilt trip your ex when he/she refuses and instead chooses to take care of himself, go no contact and move on.

 

OP, unless I am missing something, you did absolutely nothing wrong, except apologizing after her attempt to guilt trip you, after SHE dumped you.... which apparently worked, unfortunately.

 

Block her now, continue no contact and move on.

 

Sorry.

Edited March 20, 2016 by katiegrl

[ctrlindustries]

 

OP, unless I am missing something, you did absolutely nothing wrong, except apologizing after her attempt to guilt trip you, after SHE dumped you.... which apparently worked, unfortunately.

 

Block her now, continue no contact and move on.

 

Sorry.

 

Katie...

 

If you hear the voicemail.. she is genuinely upset. She was calling out for me.

 

However here is the key factor,,,

 

she said on Saturday night "I DONT KNOW if i want to be in a realtionship".

She didn't end it unless i am missing a trick here.

If so why would she call next day so much>?

 

Also... she sent me a text to end it on TUESDAY MORNING... and then she blocked me universally social media and on whatsapp..

 

on THURSDAY .. i sent some flowers to her school.. big bunch and texted an apology asking to see her on sunday to make up for it,. no response.

 

BUT....

 

She unblocked me from whatsapp after she received the flowers so SHE has OUT OF HER OWN WILLING ACTION opened up a communication pathway to make contact possible.

 

She also changed her profile picture on facebook out of anything possible to something that involved me and her and she didnt delete all of the photos with me in it or untag herself..... so something is not finished here...

 

Right?

 

Also thank you for your response..;

 

All of you who are willing to help me in my internally turbulent times.... it is very much appreciated.!

[elaine567]

NO contact is a device designed to protect your heart when going through a break up it is NOT designed to heal broken relationships or get people back.

 

If you want to mend this, then you have to be able to speak to each other. I am not sure if it can be mended but not speaking at this early stage will not help matters any.

If you are done then by all means go NC.

[katiegrl]

OP, but after she told you she wasn't sure she wanted a relationship, you said you had sex but then got the impression she did not want to be with you anymore.

 

So you asked her if she had meant everything she had said (that being she did not want to be in RL anymore which we all know means she wants to break up)..

 

And then asked her "do you think you will be happier this way"?

 

To which she responded "yes".

 

I dunno, in my mind that = she broke up with you.

 

After which you should have immediately blocked her and then gone no contact.

 

Not to punish her, but to heal your heart so you can move on ....and avoid having to deal with her attempts to manipulate and guilt trip you....which IMO was precisely what she was doing.

 

He first text Sunday night was *are you okay*?

 

When you didn't respond, which you were under no obligation to (since she essentially ended the relationship)... ..her anxieties kicked in, and thus her guilt inducing texts and calls begin in an attempt to manipulate you into calling.

 

Why? Who knows. But it is just too much of a coincidence that all this shyt happens immediately after she realized you are not returning calls and moving on.

 

Can you not see this?

 

Again, who cares why she freaked out when you didn't return calls ...she ended the relationship, maybe she had second thoughts (doubtful)... She most likely missed your *attention* ...not to be confused with missing *you* and was pulling out all the stops to get it.

 

And yes essentially you were ignoring her, as well you should have IMO as again, she had just broken up with you.

[katiegrl]

I think you need to just let her go. She wanted out. You let her go. Then she seems to have lost her mind & made a bunch of bad choices. But seriously, to have a panic attack so bad that she needed to call a doctor because she didn't know who was knocking at her door, even after you texted her, seems over the top.

 

 

You can't fix this because she was the one who broke up with you. Even if you are inclined to take her back, she's just going to do this again. She already cavalierly threw you away once; don't let her do it again

 

^^And this (for emphasis) that you should let her go and move on. (Block, delete).

[smackie9]

Obviously she doesn't know how to communicate like a mature adult. Her actions, sorry to say, are juvenile. IMO she is hiding something that she doesn't really want you to know about. This is where you are going to have to start...to find out the truth. From there build a strong base with open honest communication. Don't buy her bull sh it. Put your foot down and call her out on it. If a wall goes up with her gaslighting you, then this relationship is truly done.

[katiegrl]

Obviously she doesn't know how to communicate like a mature adult. Her actions, sorry to say, are juvenile. IMO she is hiding something that she doesn't really want you to know about. This is where you are going to have to start...to find out the truth. From there build a strong base with open honest communication. Don't buy her bull sh it. Put your foot down and call her out on it. If a wall goes up with her gaslighting you, then this relationship is truly done.

 

smackie, about her hiding something, are you thinking what I am thinking?

 

(Hint: possibly something going on with her *friend*?)

 

Something to consider anyway....

[Jabron1]

IMO she is hiding something that she doesn't really want you to know about.

 

I was getting that feeling too. That must be the biggest overreaction to knocking on someone's door ever.

 

Then turning things around and twisting something normal into a massive deal. And playing the victim... very dodgy behavior.

 

Don't take part in that drama. Just stay grounded OP. Like Smackie said, you need to stop apologising and put your foot down. Enough is enough: she knows you want to be with her, and is messing you about.

 

Stop with the supplication, and stay strong.

[ctrlindustries]

My gf moved out from where we were living together and then said she didn't know if she wanted to be in a relationship as there were a few things but mainly she wanted her own space and she just wasn't feeling like being in a relationship.

 

Translation is attraction is lost. But it turned so quickly and when I think back to when we broke up mid March, I can't believe that those events unfolded and it's now sinking in. It's horrible. That I don't know the real reason.

 

Should I be asking now that a couple weeks have passed? Reason it's so bad is because I want this woman that much and in love with her also. I had nothing bad to say about her. We travelled a lot and share a lot of great memories.

[Steven1]

Maybe living together was a step to far/to soon for her...how long were you and her together etc? Before you moved in with each other?

 

I think at times, well actually, it's up to you. The real reason might not be something you want to hear...but may be better for yourself as at least you will have closure on why it happened instead of wondering.

 

My and my ex girlfriend of 7 years broke up about 9 weeks ago..., we went no contact for 8 weeks, it was only until about 3/4 days ago that I got the real reasons as to why we broke up. Has it helped me? In a way, I'm goad she came clean as to why, I was a bit annoyed she never told me before we broke up etc.

 

Give her time...pestering her for the reasons etc probably won't help. See if she gets in contact with you after a few days, if not you could always just text saying that you accept her decision but for your closure on the matter you want the reasoning.

[Heartbreak Hotel]

My gf moved out from where we were living together and then said she didn't know if she wanted to be in a relationship as there were a few things but mainly she wanted her own space and she just wasn't feeling like being in a relationship.

 

Translation is attraction is lost. But it turned so quickly and when I think back to when we broke up mid March, I can't believe that those events unfolded and it's now sinking in. It's horrible. That I don't know the real reason.

 

Should I be asking now that a couple weeks have passed? Reason it's so bad is because I want this woman that much and in love with her also. I had nothing bad to say about her. We travelled a lot and share a lot of great memories.

 

Read my thread man. My ex moved out and I was devastated like yourself and they will never tell you the proper reasons.. Just crap reasons that make you feel like s hit.. That's what my ex did. The attraction was lost in my relationship too.. And you probably blame yourself like I did. I wouldn't ask her for the reasons because she will give you a load of nonsense.

 

Best thing you can do honestly, leave her be. Don't text or call her because it will push her away. Your memories will always be there and that's how I have to think when i think of my ex. I was meant to be marrying her this August and now she's with someone else..

 

Please don't be fooled at any point by her. It's such a horrible moment. Keep busy and work on yourself and stick to NO CONTACT. Let go of any hope you have because I didn't for a long time and I should of done.

 

Take care man

[ctrlindustries]

 

Best thing you can do honestly, leave her be. Don't text or call her because it will push her away. Your memories will always be there and that's how I have to think when i think of my ex. I was meant to be marrying her this August and now she's with someone else..

 

Please don't be fooled at any point by her. It's such a horrible moment. Keep busy and work on yourself and stick to NO CONTACT. Let go of any hope you have because I didn't for a long time and I should of done.

 

Take care man

 

Thank your for taking the time to write this. It's appreciated.

I'm sorry about your loss dude.

[Heartbreak Hotel]

Thank your for taking the time to write this. It's appreciated.

I'm sorry about your loss dude.

 

Life is cruel and I just wish we didn't have to go through this. It's always the good guys that get s hit on. That's how I'm starting to see it. I really hope in your case there's a chance but do the things I said because hanging onto hope won't do you any good.

 

How old are you may I ask? Is this the first proper relationship you've had?

[ctrlindustries]

Maybe living together was a step to far/to soon for her...how long were you and her together etc? Before you moved in with each other?

 

It feels like I was set up to fail.

She moved over and had no really set place as she was living with different family members and we were happy in each other's company. We had been together 2 months from her staying every day as we were travelling together and she worked one road away from my house. We spent Christmas together, travelled again and in the 10 months we dated we fulfilled her desire of going abroad as she hadn't really. We had amazing times.

 

Thenij January there were building works going on and we were living in one room in the maisonette. This had an impact on sex life and we didn't get to spend a lot of time together.

In Feb then one of her friends from back home she lived with whilst at uni messages her and says she needs a place to crash as she has problems. For a week. 3 weeks passed in total and of course not much quality time.

 

She moved out with her 20th Feb however prior to that my gf had started telling me she wanted photos or naked videos deleted from my phone as she was paranoid about others seeing them. One day she says to me that I'm acting strange and doesn't know where she stands with me. To me this is odd as we were in love and she said things like "you don't love me as much as I love you" in a joking manner.

 

What was I supposed to do? Tell her to stay in her own place and get out and she needs to start renting a place out herself?

[ctrlindustries]

Life is cruel and I just wish we didn't have to go through this. It's always the good guys that get s hit on. That's how I'm starting to see it. I really hope in your case there's a chance but do the things I said because hanging onto hope won't do you any good.

 

How old are you may I ask? Is this the first proper relationship you've had?

 

I'm 28. She is 26. I lived with someone before that for 3 years who I lost attraction to and broke up with.

 

This is the first relationship that I have been with someone that has everything I look for in values, interests and passions.

[Heartbreak Hotel]

I'm 28. She is 26. I lived with someone before that for 3 years who I lost attraction to and broke up with.

 

This is the first relationship that I have been with someone that has everything I look for in values, interests and passions.

 

I'm sorry man that's sucks. How are you feeling then? And what's in your head right now? I'm assuming 99 percent of your thoughts are about her?

[Steven1]

From what you said about living together it just sounds like it was different things that probably accumulated to her feeling differently. The video/pics things is a bit weird though, (this is just my personal opinion) but I've seen it before where people have become paranoid over things like that, and then start to blame the other person or say that the other person is acting weird in order to cover something up. Definitely not saying that is the case.. just seems odd to me.

 

Having said that if she knew in her mind then that you and her were over then it's understandable that she wanted them deleted as she may have thought that if you took the decision badly of being over that you would show them to friends etc.

[ctrlindustries]

The fact that things were so great and then this.

 

It just feel unjust as I made every effort to be the best person I could be without being over the top nice guy.

[elaine567]

This is the first relationship that I have been with someone that has everything I look for in values, interests and passions.

And this is why you are taking it so hard, but just because she was your "dream girl", doesn't mean she felt the same way about you.

Also you may have thought you were showing her your love but to her it maybe just wasn't that obvious hence the ""you don't love me as much as I love you" comments.

Look up the five love languages.

 

The trouble with "reasons" is that the "reason" given is never really enough for the dumped and hurt person, or they feel the dumper is being cruel if they are brutally honest.

 

"I think you are a fat, lazy, ugly slob who will never make anything of his life as basically you lack the intelligence to do anything about it. I am sick of picking things up after you and sorting out YOUR messes and problems. YOU are so selfish and self absorbed, you never think of anyone else but yourself, and BTW the sex was dreadful, the worst I have ever had... I just couldn't take any more. My friends thought you were a joke when they first met you.

What on earth I ever saw in you, God only knows"

 

I don't think that is what anyone really wants to hear, is it?

Be careful what you wish for.

[ctrlindustries]

It's the fact that it went from her being madly in love to wanting to get away.

I've never experienced this from an adult especially one with a decent brain who teaches in secondary school.