tolve Posted March 28, 2016 Posted March 28, 2016 I know what this seems like and I'm not deluded but I'm kinda wondering if there could be any other reason AT ALL for this behaviour other than total lack of romantic interest. I like a guy - we're good friends but never talk about relationships/sex lives, that's just awkward. Guy once made a move, but I was not feeling it at the time, was totally hung up on some other guy but this guy doesn't know that's why I blew him off - I think he thinks I just wasn't attracted to him. We remained friends though and after one awkward month it was all good again. I now like this guy and have been trying to figure out how to jump him without getting too humiliated if he rejects me but just cannot seem to find an 'in'. His body language is totally off whenever we hang out. Body language has been different ever since I rejected him but we have managed to keep up the friendship. It's kind of hard to lean in for the kiss when all you're getting is the side of his head, or arms folded and legs crossed away from you, walking away from me so he's always a couple of yards ahead of me when we're walking somewhere! Anyway today. Guy calls me up, we are going to go to see this show - like a day trip - and he was checking if we were still on. He also mentions that he saw on Facebook that I was going to this place on vacation and that he googled it and turns out I can do some water sports there so I should check that out. We're talking and he tells me this story of how his 87 year old grandpa is dating some 75 year old woman. I seize this opportunity to weave my (lack of) love life into the conversation and say: 'Wow, your grandpa totally has a more rockin love life than mine.' We both laugh, then guy says: 'So how is your love life, are you seeing anyone currently?' Me: 'Nope. I'm going to change that this year. I've done a lot these couple of years, I bought a condo, my business is doing ok and I love what I do, I got a kitty, it's all good so the only thing missing is a boyfriend.' Guy: 'Really?' Me: 'Yeah, I think so, the time was not right before but now it is.' Guy: 'Ah, man, my car is stalling. Cr*p. Look, I've gotta go to fix this. I'll call you back.' Doesn't call me back. Just sends me a text. 'Car ok, but drivers are crazy' So in my head this is clearly, 'Yeah, I can see where this conversation is going and I don't want it to go there. So I'm going to make something up and hang up now.' He could have picked up on signals that I don't realize I'm sending him. Could this be anything else? The only thing I'm hanging on to is that he was rejected by me before, doesn't realize I'm hinting at him / does not think I'm interested and doesn't want to hear me talk about other guys. I am a complete realist though, and I'm pretty confident it's the first one - aka complete lack of interest. But just checking for other opinions.
Erik30 Posted March 28, 2016 Posted March 28, 2016 He might have thought when you were talking about a boyfriend, you meant "any guy but him" because you weren't interested in the past. 11
thecrucible Posted March 28, 2016 Posted March 28, 2016 I wouldn't worry. It could mean nothing. It could be that he was very busy with something and didn't want an emotional conversation - I know some guys aren't into that. Just see what he's like when you next see him. 1
PrettyEmily77 Posted March 28, 2016 Posted March 28, 2016 So he made a play for you, you blew him off, went for another guy, kept the 'friendship' going, you now have second thoughts and want to 'jump' him - assume that means you want a relationship with him, right?) ? He's probably wondering how genuine you are, which wouldn't be totally unreasonable on his part. 1
Author tolve Posted March 28, 2016 Author Posted March 28, 2016 So he made a play for you, you blew him off, went for another guy, kept the 'friendship' going, you now have second thoughts and want to 'jump' him - assume that means you want a relationship with him, right?) ? He's probably wondering how genuine you are, which wouldn't be totally unreasonable on his part. Yes, I do want a relationship with him. But the way his body language is I'm getting zero signals. I just don't know if this is a complete lack of interest - that he's picked up I'm now interested and is giving a giant back off don't go there to me. Or if he's just being defensive because of my previous (long time ago) rejection - I changed the course of the conversation so he would stop there and not totally let it all hang out lol.
PrettyEmily77 Posted March 28, 2016 Posted March 28, 2016 Yes, I do want a relationship with him. But the way his body language is I'm getting zero signals. I just don't know if this is a complete lack of interest - that he's picked up I'm now interested and is giving a giant back off don't go there to me. Or if he's just being defensive because of my previous (long time ago) rejection - I changed the course of the conversation so he would stop there and not totally let it all hang out lol. There's only one sure-fire way to find out, and that is to tell him plainly, unambiguously and tactfully that you now have feelings for him and that you'd like to see where this would go. He may flat out say no or may take some time to think about it or he might jump for joy but either way, you'll be fixed! 1
rester Posted March 28, 2016 Posted March 28, 2016 Your conversation could have been interpreted by him to mean that you are seeking out a boyfriend other than him. From his side, it sounds like you're telling him these things to signal a boundary, similar to how people bring up their significant others during small talk with a new person if they do not want to get hit on or asked out. If you like this guy, I think it's on you now to make that clear to him. 2
Zippy2000 Posted March 30, 2016 Posted March 30, 2016 Yes, I do want a relationship with him. But the way his body language is I'm getting zero signals. I just don't know if this is a complete lack of interest - that he's picked up I'm now interested and is giving a giant back off don't go there to me. Or if he's just being defensive because of my previous (long time ago) rejection - I changed the course of the conversation so he would stop there and not totally let it all hang out lol. You've friend zoned him. He has no reason why he needs to show you positive body language because you knocked him back. I d do the same. Id think she isn't interested so I ll be a friend. Your conversation says nothing to me or gives me the green light to go ahead and ask you out. "'Nope. I'm going to change that this year. I've done a lot these couple of years, I bought a condo, my business is doing ok and I love what I do, I got a kitty, it's all good so the only thing missing is a boyfriend.'" You rejected him so he thinks its going to be any boyfriend but him. What you could of said: "'Nope. I'm going to change that this year. I've done a lot these couple of years, I bought a condo, my business is doing ok and I love what I do, I got a kitty, it's all good so the only thing missing is a boyfriend........you`ll do!'
Zippy2000 Posted March 30, 2016 Posted March 30, 2016 Oh, I forgot to ask. What made you change your mind about him? Was he always there or where you attracted to him in the first place?
spriggan2 Posted March 30, 2016 Posted March 30, 2016 What did you expect? You turned him down so as far as he's concerned you weren't interested. He had to close off his romantic feelings for you in order to keep the friendship going. Now that you're interested how is he going to be aware unless you are direct and clear with him that you've changed your mind? Vague signs and hints you give him wont do the trick. Those arent universal and are subject to interpretation. He might have thought you were giving him signs before which prompted him to ask you out. When he saw he was wrong that's gonna inform his interpretation of future signs. "Is she giving me signs? Nah I was wrong last time I'm probably wrong again." And he'll carry on purely platonic. I don't see how his body language can naturally open up for a kiss when he's conditioned himself not to get too attracted to you. And I think you're reading way too much into body language anyway. You have to make him explicitly aware of how you feel and see if he still wants to pursue something. He may or may not. 1
smudge21 Posted March 30, 2016 Posted March 30, 2016 You friend zoned him... and sadly for you, he's returned the favour (yep, guys can friend zone girls too). I've been in his exact same spot; girl I really wanted didn't feel the same, friend zoned me but I liked her enough to stay around. Over the course of that I accepted what SHE wanted and started to only see her as a friend. Even our conversations were simply about dating other people. Many months later she, for whatever reason, changed her mind and started with the flirting and trying to get my attention... but it was too late. Whatever feelings I had had for her were in the past. I do know I felt very strongly for her, so probably burnt all the emotion out over time and simply didn't or couldn't risk opening those doors again for her. I think our final ever conversation was her still being coy about wanting more and me telling her she's a good friend and I'm happy to have her as such in my life. Yes, she was stunningly beautiful, everything I wanted, but the feelings, that attraction, just wasn't there anymore. Now I'm not for one moment going to say this is the same here for you, but only he knows what he's feeling. I would say, don't play games or be coy about it. You pushed him away before when he had feelings for you, now to expect him to jump straight back there is asking a lot as it's a big step to take when your heart has been hurt by someone you love. One puts up walls to prevent getting hurt again. You need to find out if there's a door, or a way through at least. Good luck. 3
Satu Posted March 30, 2016 Posted March 30, 2016 You need to be more direct. Hints can be misunderstood. 1
kendahke Posted March 30, 2016 Posted March 30, 2016 You are wasting time hoping he will read your mind. You've already rejected him, so he's not going to go in that direction of his own volition--it's safer for him to not make that mistake twice. YOU need to demonstrate your interest in him by telling him directly. Case in point: It's kind of hard to lean in for the kiss when all you're getting is the side of his head, or arms folded and legs crossed away from you, walking away from me so he's always a couple of yards ahead of me when we're walking somewhere! You take his chin in your hands, gently turn his head towards you and you kiss him the way you want him to kiss you. If he's walking ahead of you, you catch up to him, slip your hand in his, smile at him and slow down his pace. I seize this opportunity to weave my (lack of) love life into the conversation and say: 'Wow, your grandpa totally has a more rockin love life than mine.' We both laugh, then guy says: 'So how is your love life, are you seeing anyone currently?' Me: 'Nope. I'm going to change that this year. I've done a lot these couple of years, I bought a condo, my business is doing ok and I love what I do, I got a kitty, it's all good so the only thing missing is a boyfriend.' Guy: 'Really?' Me: 'Yeah, I think so, the time was not right before but now it is.' Guy: 'Ah, man, my car is stalling. Cr*p. Look, I've gotta go to fix this. I'll call you back.' Doesn't call me back. Just sends me a text. 'Car ok, but drivers are crazy' So in my head this is clearly, 'Yeah, I can see where this conversation is going and I don't want it to go there. So I'm going to make something up and hang up now.' He could have picked up on signals that I don't realize I'm sending him. You are self sabotaging when you think like that. His interest up to when his car started stalling indicated that he was onboard with what you were saying. He can't help it if his car decided then to stall on him. Could this be anything else? The only thing I'm hanging on to is that he was rejected by me before, doesn't realize I'm hinting at him / does not think I'm interested and doesn't want to hear me talk about other guys. STOP HINTING AT HIM!!! Be direct in what you want if you want it. Stop playing games. I am a complete realist though, and I'm pretty confident it's the first one - aka complete lack of interest. But just checking for other opinions. I wouldn't say you're a realist--I'd say you're against yourself taking on any risk in this and are using any excuse you can come up with to not take responsibility for getting what/who you want. Just DO it. You will know definitively one way or the other if he's down for this. 2
Zippy2000 Posted March 30, 2016 Posted March 30, 2016 You friend zoned him... and sadly for you, he's returned the favour (yep, guys can friend zone girls too). I've been in his exact same spot; girl I really wanted didn't feel the same, friend zoned me but I liked her enough to stay around. Over the course of that I accepted what SHE wanted and started to only see her as a friend. Even our conversations were simply about dating other people. Many months later she, for whatever reason, changed her mind and started with the flirting and trying to get my attention... but it was too late. Whatever feelings I had had for her were in the past. I do know I felt very strongly for her, so probably burnt all the emotion out over time and simply didn't or couldn't risk opening those doors again for her. I think our final ever conversation was her still being coy about wanting more and me telling her she's a good friend and I'm happy to have her as such in my life. Yes, she was stunningly beautiful, everything I wanted, but the feelings, that attraction, just wasn't there anymore. Now I'm not for one moment going to say this is the same here for you, but only he knows what he's feeling. I would say, don't play games or be coy about it. You pushed him away before when he had feelings for you, now to expect him to jump straight back there is asking a lot as it's a big step to take when your heart has been hurt by someone you love. One puts up walls to prevent getting hurt again. You need to find out if there's a door, or a way through at least. Good luck. I ve been there my friend. Had met a girl on Match. Had one date but she said she just wanted to be friends. I was devasted as I wanted more and she used the phrase "lest be friends". I dodnt expect to hear from her ever again but she then proceeded to message me every day for the next 6 years. During that time she went through 3 different relationships that lasted for 2 years each. The last one her boyfriend cheated on her. She then askes me out after 6 years but like you I had lost all my feelings towards her. It was too late. 2
elaine567 Posted March 30, 2016 Posted March 30, 2016 Yes as others have said you are going to have to be really direct and make it ultraclear what you want. He may think you are playing with him, or that you have run out of options, looked around and thought "Oh, he'll do", so you may need to do a lot of convincing before he takes you seriously. Once bitten, twice shy. Of course he may have moved on,and may no longer see you as relationship material, but that is the chance you take. 3
truth_seeker Posted March 30, 2016 Posted March 30, 2016 I ve been there my friend. Had met a girl on Match. Had one date but she said she just wanted to be friends. I was devasted as I wanted more and she used the phrase "lest be friends". I dodnt expect to hear from her ever again but she then proceeded to message me every day for the next 6 years. During that time she went through 3 different relationships that lasted for 2 years each. The last one her boyfriend cheated on her. She then askes me out after 6 years but like you I had lost all my feelings towards her. It was too late. I hate women like this. Held onto you under the guise of friendship when she just wanted you in her back pocket when all of her options dried up. Good for you for losing feelings for her.
truth_seeker Posted March 30, 2016 Posted March 30, 2016 So in my head this is clearly, 'Yeah, I can see where this conversation is going and I don't want it to go there. So I'm going to make something up and hang up now.' He could have picked up on signals that I don't realize I'm sending him. I think you're right. I think he saw where the conversation was going, he read it correctly and wanted to get off the phone with you. The problem is you rejected him before. He sensed on the phone you were giving him an opening. I'm sure after you rejected him he closed off those feelings and moved on. On the phone he might have got nervous that you were trying to pull him in and also he didn't like how you're interested in him now but weren't before - you chose another guy over him. I can tell you if a girl passes me over for another guy, then months down the road circles back to me, I'm not going to jump on it right away. She will have to work for it or I'll let her chase me only for her to go nowhere as I usually lose complete interest when a girl passes me over for another guy.
getwithit Posted March 30, 2016 Posted March 30, 2016 "He also mentions that he saw on Facebook that I was going to this place on vacation and that he googled it and turns out I can do some water sports there so I should check that out." From what you've said, pretty sure the guy is still really into you. The body language part may be to protect you. When I get rejected and I still have to see the person from time to time, I'll go out of my way to be non-flirtatious so i don't make the girl uncomfortable. This includes "stranger" body language and avoiding one-on-one conversations. 1
truth_seeker Posted March 30, 2016 Posted March 30, 2016 "He also mentions that he saw on Facebook that I was going to this place on vacation and that he googled it and turns out I can do some water sports there so I should check that out." From what you've said, pretty sure the guy is still really into you. The body language part may be to protect you. When I get rejected and I still have to see the person from time to time, I'll go out of my way to be non-flirtatious so i don't make the girl uncomfortable. This includes "stranger" body language and avoiding one-on-one conversations. You bring up a good point. I think it's best when some gets rejected, the person who is rejected bows out gracefully, ie, disappears, and the rejector doesn't play games, try to hold onto them in case their options dry up... let them go!
Mccoy321 Posted March 30, 2016 Posted March 30, 2016 Well if he hit on you previously then of course he'd still be attracted to you. He'd be an idiot to actually do anything though. If he was second best once, why would he want anything now?
truth_seeker Posted March 30, 2016 Posted March 30, 2016 Well if he hit on you previously then of course he'd still be attracted to you. He'd be an idiot to actually do anything though. If he was second best once, why would he want anything now? Not necessarily true. If I hit on a woman and she turned me down, she's dead to me. Why would he want anything now? Ego boost? Easy lay? 1
Mccoy321 Posted March 30, 2016 Posted March 30, 2016 Not necessarily true. If I hit on a woman and she turned me down, she's dead to me. Why would he want anything now? Ego boost? Easy lay? Well that's kind of what I said. He'd be stupid to want to get involved now. But, I would think he's still attracted to her.
elaine567 Posted March 30, 2016 Posted March 30, 2016 Not necessarily true. If I hit on a woman and she turned me down, she's dead to me. Why would he want anything now? Ego boost? Easy lay? But not everyone thinks the same way you do, do they?
MissBee Posted March 30, 2016 Posted March 30, 2016 Since you rejected him in the past and since you have an existing friendship, you're going to have spell it out and just tell him directly you're interested. You rejected him before and he got over it, so while it's not fun to be rejected, you should take that risk, as it seems your friendship could possibly withstand it after the initial awkwardness. But in this case hints and being subtle don't seem appropriate given your history. Direct seems the best and most efficient route. 1
truth_seeker Posted March 30, 2016 Posted March 30, 2016 Well that's kind of what I said. He'd be stupid to want to get involved now. But, I would think he's still attracted to her. I'm talking about the part where you said he would still be attracted to her.
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