douceur Posted March 28, 2016 Posted March 28, 2016 Hi everyone, I'm in a relationship that is still relatively new, we are still in the process of getting to know each other, but are really really happy otherwise. I haven't been in a relationship for a few years as I never found someone I really clicked with and in general wasn't really lucky so far to meet a good guy. So when my current boyfriend came along it was amazing to see nice guys still exist :-) He made it clear pretty soon that he wanted a relationship, sees me several times a week, is consistent in texting, talking, takes me out etc. and we both feel in love. There is only one problem which we recently spoke about, and which makes me very sad...We spoke about our future goals and what we expect to happen over the next 10 years. As we are both post graduate students, we are of course not quite ready to settle down etc., we both have about two years left, which I think is great in terms of getting to know each other better anyway. However he is from overseas so depends on finding work after his degree to stay here, which I don't think would be a problem for him. But he said he does not intend to marry until he has full residency, which in the Uk takes about 5 years of working here. He does not want whoever he is with to ever doubt he really loves them or think he might only do it for his residency. I think this is very noble and that he has good morals and character. But then I thought about my goals, where I want to stand in the next few years. The thing is I don't think I'd like to be with someone for full 7 years until I get married. I'm in my late 20s so ideally I'd really like to start building my life with someone quite soon. I find it scary to wait until I'm 35 and then still hope to have children etc. I know this is thinking very far into the future, but I also feel are we really compatible if we have things planned so differently for us? Should I break it off even though things are going really well, or should I relax and wait and see? There is always the chance of course for him to change his mind. I feel so confused right now, I don't know what to think. Has anyone been in a similar situation, or has some helpful ideas? Thank you :-)
LostOnes05 Posted March 28, 2016 Posted March 28, 2016 35 isn't old and most professional women are having children right around that age. Obviously, it's personal preference when you want to get married and have a family. I think that you should have an open and honest conversation about it with him, if you guys are still together after graduating. Otherwise, I wouldn't sweat it too much. You never know what's going to happen. But after graduating, I'd open it up for serious conversation.
Cobra_X Posted March 28, 2016 Posted March 28, 2016 Hi everyone, I'm in a relationship that is still relatively new, we are still in the process of getting to know each other, but are really really happy otherwise. I haven't been in a relationship for a few years as I never found someone I really clicked with and in general wasn't really lucky so far to meet a good guy. So when my current boyfriend came along it was amazing to see nice guys still exist :-) He made it clear pretty soon that he wanted a relationship, sees me several times a week, is consistent in texting, talking, takes me out etc. and we both feel in love. If you require marriage before children for religious reasons... then I believe you should speak to him about this and let him know that you want to start a family sooner than 5 years. There is no reason to be dating someone and not know their future plans. He seems to be saying that he doesn't want you to perceive him as just marrying for citizenship. Could also be a pride thing on his part.
elaine567 Posted March 28, 2016 Posted March 28, 2016 Be very careful here, as you are already in your late twenties you do not want to be wasting time here. I do not know where "overseas" refers to, but is not unknown for some "overseas" men from certain cultures to fill in time with "local" women, sometimes living together for years. However, when it is time to marry, they choose more culturally similar brides to please family and abide by tradition.
kendahke Posted March 28, 2016 Posted March 28, 2016 This is the very first talk you've had with him about future plans? Did you tell him what your plans are and the time table you're working with? I think it would be unfair to break it off after just an initial conversation---and only one conversation in a brand new relationship. What about other options? How about you moving to his country should you marry? Yes, it is thinking a long way into the future, but if you feel certain right now that this is not going anywhere near where you want it, then break up.
No_Go Posted March 28, 2016 Posted March 28, 2016 It is not about a personal preference, it is about biology. 35-year landmark is when the fertility start to decline drastically, and even worse - birth defects frequency increases many folds (just think down syndrome - frequency is directly correlated with maternal age). So OP's concern is more than realistic... If I were her, I would not waste time. 35 isn't old and most professional women are having children right around that age. Obviously, it's personal preference when you want to get married and have a family. I think that you should have an open and honest conversation about it with him, if you guys are still together after graduating. Otherwise, I wouldn't sweat it too much. You never know what's going to happen. But after graduating, I'd open it up for serious conversation.
No_Go Posted March 28, 2016 Posted March 28, 2016 How long have you been dating OP? I very well get his lack of desire to marry before becoming a resident, I was in the same situation and would find it disgusting if anybody even ASSUMES I'm in a relationship for 'legal reasons'. So I just hired a lawyer and self-petitioned my permanent residency based on skills, it took under an year from finding the lawyer to getting my green card I was a postdoc back then btw. So I'm sure if he wants to stay, he has more expedite options than waiting for years. He needs to find an experienced immigration lawyer and work a plan with them. I don't know how the laws in the UK are, but I bet money there are options available, he needs to actively look for them thought. I'd never have children out of marriage and never risk a post-35 pregnancy. If you're like me - you really need to push him to sort his immigration issues out quickly. If not: maybe you can have a baby first and get married later? You need to talk through the options with him.
Author douceur Posted March 28, 2016 Author Posted March 28, 2016 Thanks for the many replies :-) @LostOnes05: I was thinking of doing that, give it some time, then see how it goes if he stays here. I think though that investing all these emotions for all this time would make breaking up so much more difficult... @Cobra_X: It's partially religious, but it's just my personal idea of how I'd like to have a family. @elaine567: Absolutely, I have been thinking about this as well. I'm starting to wonder why he would say this to me. Could it also be to tell me right from the start that this isn't going anywhere? But I guess there would be ways of knowing-whether he'll make it public in the future by introducing me to his family etc. @kendahke: Yes this was the first conversation. I didn't mean to break things off straight away, I'd like to talk a bit more about him first of course. I was a bit too surprised hearing what he said that I didn't have the chance to say much about my plans. I don't think I'd like to move to his country though-neither would he. @No_Go: I did mention that he could marry abroad and just continue persuing his visa under work reasons. But I guess he really doesn't like the idea of anyone thinking this-just like you did! I completely got this. I might think the same if in his position. But what if you meet someone you really match with-is your pride more important than being with them??I always had the idea that there is always a way if you really want to make it happen. But him telling me this is like him putting an instant stop to everything. I don't know how a relationship can grow and develop naturally if you already know there will be a stop like this half way? And yes-my age is def a risk. He could decide after 7 years that it this is not what he wants and then I'll really hear the clock ticking :-P But then again, I could separate now and never find anyone else to fall in love with and end up with no children....
No_Go Posted March 28, 2016 Posted March 28, 2016 But what if you meet someone you really match with-is your pride more important than being with them?? I think this is really culture dependent. Some cultures put emphasis of romance over pride, others - other way round. I think you sound date at least an year to decide is it worth the 7 years wait:) I think he may change his mind in the meanwhile, find a way to resolve his immigration issues earlier, or worst case - you may find that you two are not compatible. Btw even marriage is not a 100% guarantee, a guy that i know was married for 10 years(!) in his 20s to early 30s, no kids, just to divorce and impregnate his new GF within few months after the divorce :/ Just be patient. You don't want to settle in 2 years anyway, so why not give it a try and see if he'll change his mind? Just give yourself a mental deadline. @No_Go: I did mention that he could marry abroad and just continue persuing his visa under work reasons. But I guess he really doesn't like the idea of anyone thinking this-just like you did! I completely got this. I might think the same if in his position. But what if you meet someone you really match with-is your pride more important than being with them??I always had the idea that there is always a way if you really want to make it happen. But him telling me this is like him putting an instant stop to everything. I don't know how a relationship can grow and develop naturally if you already know there will be a stop like this half way? And yes-my age is def a risk. He could decide after 7 years that it this is not what he wants and then I'll really hear the clock ticking :-P But then again, I could separate now and never find anyone else to fall in love with and end up with no children....
Author douceur Posted March 28, 2016 Author Posted March 28, 2016 But what if you meet someone you really match with-is your pride more important than being with them?? I think this is really culture dependent. Some cultures put emphasis of romance over pride, others - other way round. I think you sound date at least an year to decide is it worth the 7 years wait:) I think he may change his mind in the meanwhile, find a way to resolve his immigration issues earlier, or worst case - you may find that you two are not compatible. Btw even marriage is not a 100% guarantee, a guy that i know was married for 10 years(!) in his 20s to early 30s, no kids, just to divorce and impregnate his new GF within few months after the divorce :/ Just be patient. You don't want to settle in 2 years anyway, so why not give it a try and see if he'll change his mind? Just give yourself a mental deadline. I think thats good advice. I guess I'm just a bit too worried about all this-don't want to waste my time or develop very deep feelings for him if it doesn't go anywhere ! But then a year is a reasonable time to make up our mind. And he's a really nice person (so far)that it's probably not fair to just toss him aside because of his circumstances. Don't want to push this topic too much with him either-all this talk about marriage after only starting the relationship :-P 1
joseb Posted March 28, 2016 Posted March 28, 2016 Don't want to push this topic too much with him either-all this talk about marriage after only starting the relationship :-P Yeah, my thoughts too, how long have you two been together? Also where is he from? Is he definitely staying in the UK?
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