I Can't Feel Love

[backandforth]

Hey LS,

 

So it's been well over a year since my breakup, and almost 12 months NC. I'm in a much better place emotionally and moving on with my life. One problem though; I'm having trouble falling in love.

 

I dated a lot after my breakup, had a few shortish relationships which were good for the process of getting back on the horse again. However, I've been seeing this one girl exclusively for the last 3 months.

 

I really like her, she's sweet and we get along really well, have a great time and things are generally very cosy. But it's kinda at that point where we need to talk about where we're at.

 

I'm happy to be with her exclusively but I don't feel in love with her, which REALLY sucks! Before my last relationship I fell in love really easily. Now it just does not seem like it is in me anymore. This is a girl I would've fallen head over heels for before my last breakup.

 

It would really suck to lose her but I don't wanna string her along. It's not that I'm afraid of falling in love or anything, it just feels like I used up all my "love" feelings on the last one.

 

Has anyone been in a similar situation? Any advice/stories would be great!

[ExtraSpice]

Well the time it takes to fall in love is such a subjective thing. For some it could be a month while for others it could be a year. As I have progressed in age I have noticed it takes me a little longer to get to the point where I can say I love you.

 

I think part of it is just experience, part of it is I know what I want and part of it is I am more cautious.

 

Either way just because you don't feel in love after three months doesn't mean much in my opinion. It is still very early and if you like her then continue. No need to tell her you don't love her unless she explicitly asks that question.

[surferchic]

Hey LS,

 

So it's been well over a year since my breakup, and almost 12 months NC. I'm in a much better place emotionally and moving on with my life. One problem though; I'm having trouble falling in love.

 

I dated a lot after my breakup, had a few shortish relationships which were good for the process of getting back on the horse again. However, I've been seeing this one girl exclusively for the last 3 months.

 

I really like her, she's sweet and we get along really well, have a great time and things are generally very cosy. But it's kinda at that point where we need to talk about where we're at.

 

I'm happy to be with her exclusively but I don't feel in love with her, which REALLY sucks! Before my last relationship I fell in love really easily. Now it just does not seem like it is in me anymore. This is a girl I would've fallen head over heels for before my last breakup.

 

It would really suck to lose her but I don't wanna string her along. It's not that I'm afraid of falling in love or anything, it just feels like I used up all my "love" feelings on the last one.

 

Has anyone been in a similar situation? Any advice/stories would be great!

Hey OP. Fret not, your not alone.

 

I'm female and I totally feel you. Since my BU almost a year ago, I went out with a few guys... Tried being happy and forgetting the Ex, but I couldn't. It's now hard for me to feel... I'd be temporarily happy with the guys I went out with. One of them actually noticed my sadness /could see I was mentally preoccupied. He got bothered by it and said he couldn't keep surrendering time with me while I was thinking about some other dude. I respected what he said and it lets me know I really need to stop forcing myself to date because it's not fair. I believe in karma.

 

When and if I truly feel like dating someone I will, but I think with these guys post BU, I was mainly forcing myself to try and forget my ex. Everyone does it from time to time. Just gotta be more aware... One guy was toxic and not worth much of my time anyway. Imagine getting into a worse situation when you're not even "into" this new person... Not good.

 

So I'd say, just be aware of your intentions and motivation for spending time with certain people when you're in the post BU stage.

[Empire87]

Doesn't sound like you're fully over your ex to be honest. You are associating love and what it means by comparing your ex to the girl you're currently with. The things that you fell in love with about your ex aren't going to be the same as why you'd love this current girl. They're two completely different people who have different qualities you're attracted to.

 

You'll never have the same thing you had with your ex. But that's true for everyone. You can find someone who fits you better and shows you eventually that your relationship with your ex was actually immature and unhealthy instead of perfect like you believed for so long.

 

I think the key here is to look at the girl you're with and ask yourself if you have romantic feelings for her or not. Don't force yourself to decide whether or not you love her at all. It's been 3 months. Why rush that? Your relationship with you ex ended didn't it? So maybe falling in "love" so fast wasn't the best thing to happen because it proved not to be something which could last.

 

If you like this girl and are attracted to her, and enjoy hanging out with her, etc then see where it goes with no expectations to define the relationship. Why wouldn you want that anyways? If she's not bugging you to define where you see the relationship going then you are someone most guys would be jealous of in that regard. Having a girl who likes you and doesn't need you to promise her you'll be with her next year is ideal lol

[thespacey1]

I think BU recovery really friends on an person's history/ background, etc. If you have things in your past, i.e. trauma, neglect, abuse in your background then you can expect healing time to be different / longer than the next person.

 

Everybody is different. Not even being facetious, but who are we to say what's normal? Take the time YOU need to acknowledge your pain so that you can heal. Don't be destructive to yourself or anyone else.

 

"Be good to yourself and allow yourself to FEEL in order to heal."

~me

[Raina314]

This post hits on the head exactly what I'm most afraid of in this whole post breakup process. My advice to you is to stay with this girl and see where it takes you, sometimes we may need help to learn to love again.

But man...this whole time I've just been so afraid that I *won't* be able to move on and love someone the way I loved my ex, and the thought that that's a real possibility is terrifying, so I feel you on this :/. It's a scary thing.

[backandforth]

Cheers for the input everyone! You all make valid points, and I'm taking heed of everything you've said.

 

I'm just having this strange feeling that I've never had before, like a part of me is missing. I'm not afraid of falling in love at all, I think falling in love is one of the best things you can do! I'm not afraid of getting hurt either, that's just a part of life.

 

I think the best course of action at this point is to stick with it. If the conversation comes up I'll have to just be honest and say that I do have romantic feelings for her but it will take a while longer before I'm ready to commit on that level.

 

One problem; is it wrong for me to ask if we're exclusive? I'm not interested in spending my romantic time with anyone else and I'm not looking either, but I wouldn't like it if she was open to the option of seeing someone else. I know I'd bail pretty quick if that was the case.

[kztar]

Cheers for the input everyone! You all make valid points, and I'm taking heed of everything you've said.

 

I'm just having this strange feeling that I've never had before, like a part of me is missing. I'm not afraid of falling in love at all, I think falling in love is one of the best things you can do! I'm not afraid of getting hurt either, that's just a part of life.

 

I think the best course of action at this point is to stick with it. If the conversation comes up I'll have to just be honest and say that I do have romantic feelings for her but it will take a while longer before I'm ready to commit on that level.

 

One problem; is it wrong for me to ask if we're exclusive? I'm not interested in spending my romantic time with anyone else and I'm not looking either, but I wouldn't like it if she was open to the option of seeing someone else. I know I'd bail pretty quick if that was the case.

 

Op you are doing a GREAT job moving on. Clearly you're at a better place emotionally and whatnot. Don't feel like this is a bad thing that you're not in love yet, it will take time and the longer it takes the better. Honestly, I think that the next time I fall in love I'm def going to take a WHILEEEE to develop those feelings because I won't carry my heart on my sleeve. Just because she seems perfect doesn't mean she is or will be. Get to know her better and allow those feelings to develop with time.

 

I think there's nothing wrong with asking her to be exclusive, if this is what you want why not?. Just go for it. Just know that once things are exclusive it becomes a whole new ball game. As long as you feel ready for that, go for it.

 

"The grass is ALWAYS greener. Even for the dunpee in due time"

[privategal]

Cheers for the input everyone! You all make valid points, and I'm taking heed of everything you've said.

 

I'm just having this strange feeling that I've never had before, like a part of me is missing. I'm not afraid of falling in love at all, I think falling in love is one of the best things you can do! I'm not afraid of getting hurt either, that's just a part of life.

 

I think the best course of action at this point is to stick with it. If the conversation comes up I'll have to just be honest and say that I do have romantic feelings for her but it will take a while longer before I'm ready to commit on that level.

 

One problem; is it wrong for me to ask if we're exclusive? I'm not interested in spending my romantic time with anyone else and I'm not looking either, but I wouldn't like it if she was open to the option of seeing someone else. I know I'd bail pretty quick if that was the case.

 

Dont rush any conversations. Theres no need right now to nail down exclusive...you are. You spend your free time with only eachother.

Dont try to force love or look for it to happen...grow slowly...you want to marry your best friend trust me...so take your time...learn her mind, share yours, dont panic or analyze. Just live. Just keep working on you, dont make her the center of your world...no one should do that. Be with friends.

Also read about letting go rituals. Pick one and do that. A part of you is holding on to the past. Release it.

Start new. Sometimes things end and it really rocks us, it hurts. But you see years later it was for the best.

You arent there yet.

Right now lighten up and have fun.

[CDJ]

One problem though; I'm having trouble falling in love.

 

I dated a lot after my breakup, had a few shortish relationships which were good for the process of getting back on the horse again.

 

It would really suck to lose her but I don't wanna string her along. It's not that I'm afraid of falling in love or anything, it just feels like I used up all my "love" feelings on the last one.

 

Has anyone been in a similar situation?

Yes, very similar!

 

I'm a slow burner when it comes to love, takes me a while to get there (and sadly by then it's too late!). My ex, she loved me after just two months (I said it back but the truth was it took me about 8 months). As she was my first true love, first time I ever invested in a proper relationship, I feel now that i put all my eggs into one basket, which it sounds as if you feel too.

 

But, I think there is a difference between love and infatuation. The latter can happen very soon and people often mistake it for love. Love takes longer to build and is deeper. Infatuation can go as quickly as it comes.

 

I had my heartbroken so rebounded spectacularly. 8 months later and I'm still doing it; going from one to the next. Maybe we're having trouble falling in love again because we used it all up before and we're scared of getting hurt again?