Should I reach out?

[Cooper04]

A little background first, I met a girl about 7 months ago. We started dating, however she had recently come out of horrible breakup after her ex cheated on her. She told me repeatedly she was scared of being hurt again and didn't want a relationship.

 

But we kept dating and hanging out and as the months passed the relationship just sorta happened, but she was still obviously still hurting and telling me she was afraid of being hurt again.

When we reached february, things seemed to change. She seemed much more comfortable with the relationship and generally seemed much happier.

The final weekend in february, we had plans to go to party. She asked me to come over to her place a few hours earlier than planned, as her parents were visiting and she wanted me to meet them for the first time.

The very next day she dumped me, saying she wasn't ready for a relationship and needed to be alone. She wanted to remain friends and keep hanging out, I said no and broke all contact.

Have not had any contact with her since the break up but did not delete her from facebook.

 

This weekend I saw in my feed she had added some guy as a friend. Probably nothing, but it did make me feel very sad. So after a day thinking it through, I removed her and her sister as friends on facebook.

I told myself that the "not ready for a relatonship"-speech plus her not trying to contact me at all in the last month meant she was never coming back.

 

However..

I went out last night with some friends, and met a mutual friend of my ex.

She told me the reason my ex broke up with me was she was falling in love with me, and it was easier to just push me away rather than commit to me and run the risk of getting hurt or hurting me somewhere down the line.

 

I feel terrible. I care deeply for this girl, and if she loves me and the only reason we can't be together is because her ex is a *******.... That is hard to take.

 

It's been a month since the break, and I'm considering sending her a text just offering to meet and talk things through. I'm sure she'll interpret me deleting her on facebook as me not wanting to talk to her, and that's not what I want at all.

 

Mind, I'm not talking about starting some kind of friendship her. But if I can offer her some kind of reassurance, let her know I want her back then maybe she is willing to try again...?

 

Would love to hear if someone her has had similar experiences.

[kidm]

Until you hear it from the proverbial horse's mouth, believe nothing and don't act on it. If she hasn't reached out in over a month, I'd say you have your answer about where her thoughts regarding the relationship stand. She ended things so if she thinks she made a mistake, let her make that move. Hell she hasn't even dropped you any breadcrumbs. I do commend her for that.

 

She doesn't need your reassurance. She is not ready for a relationship means she is not ready for a relationship. She needs to work through the hurt from her pervious relationship first if that's what's keeping her from committing to anyone. You cannot help her with that process. She made a decision that she believes is right for her at this time. Good job on your end for not accepting the friend zone if a relationship is what you are looking for. Keep firm, keep moving forward.

[privategal]

A little background first, I met a girl about 7 months ago. We started dating, however she had recently come out of horrible breakup after her ex cheated on her. She told me repeatedly she was scared of being hurt again and didn't want a relationship.

 

But we kept dating and hanging out and as the months passed the relationship just sorta happened, but she was still obviously still hurting and telling me she was afraid of being hurt again.

When we reached february, things seemed to change. She seemed much more comfortable with the relationship and generally seemed much happier.

The final weekend in february, we had plans to go to party. She asked me to come over to her place a few hours earlier than planned, as her parents were visiting and she wanted me to meet them for the first time.

The very next day she dumped me, saying she wasn't ready for a relationship and needed to be alone. She wanted to remain friends and keep hanging out, I said no and broke all contact.

Have not had any contact with her since the break up but did not delete her from facebook.

 

This weekend I saw in my feed she had added some guy as a friend. Probably nothing, but it did make me feel very sad. So after a day thinking it through, I removed her and her sister as friends on facebook.

I told myself that the "not ready for a relatonship"-speech plus her not trying to contact me at all in the last month meant she was never coming back.

 

However..

I went out last night with some friends, and met a mutual friend of my ex.

She told me the reason my ex broke up with me was she was falling in love with me, and it was easier to just push me away rather than commit to me and run the risk of getting hurt or hurting me somewhere down the line.

 

I feel terrible. I care deeply for this girl, and if she loves me and the only reason we can't be together is because her ex is a *******.... That is hard to take.

 

It's been a month since the break, and I'm considering sending her a text just offering to meet and talk things through. I'm sure she'll interpret me deleting her on facebook as me not wanting to talk to her, and that's not what I want at all.

 

Mind, I'm not talking about starting some kind of friendship her. But if I can offer her some kind of reassurance, let her know I want her back then maybe she is willing to try again...?

 

Would love to hear if someone her has had similar experiences.

 

No no no no NO.

SHE broke up with YOU.

If that was a mistake (doubtful) then its on HER to come to you...not through breadcrumbs or through a friend...right to YOU.

Even then, the only acceptable words are "I want you back and will do the work"

Girls dont break up with guys because they started to love them and were afraid of getting hurt. Girls cross oceans to be with the man they love. Thats a line the friend told you and its been said MANY times.

You are in the bargaining stage of the breakup..."maybe if I said or did this."

You just took your power back by unfriending her to protect your heart and heal. You are going out and doing things on your own.

Follow that path.

She made a choice, now you be strong enough to let her. Walk away. NC and read the guide again. Dont engage in any way. Be strong your happiness doesnt revolve around one girl.

Dont speak to her friends either.

Your life starts now, forget this girl.

[Empire87]

You cannot take the information her friend gave you and believe it as a fact whatsoever. In all likelihood the friend was just being nice and telling you something that would ease your confusion as to why she ended things. The reasons she gave you were just a combination of all the generic answers people give for breaking up with someone when you don't want to hurt the other persons feelings.

 

Unfortunately you (and most guys who aren't over the ex) take this as a sign that you can just reach out and tell her not to be scared to fall in love or hurt you because you care about hem too much and won't hurt them like others Have. Please don't do this. If she loved you or had feelings for you, you would undoubtedly have heard from her by now. At her age, she would be compelled to text you if she had even the slightest desire to have you in her life. Sorry if that's too blunt.

 

Odds are that she never got over her ex and he was still occupying her mind during your relationship.

[ExtraSpice]

I agree with what people have said. Don't believe anything until you hear it from her directly. Truth is that if she wanted to be with you, she would have reached out in this month. She broke up so the burden of reconciliation is on her.

 

That being said a lot of people don't have the capability of being that straight forward. Some need a nudge in the right direction. Whether your ex is like that only you know.

 

So my advice is do what you truly want but be ready for the consequences. If you want to reach out then do so. It is better to get shot down rather than having a nagging feeling in the back of your mind saying what if. If you reach out there is a very real chance that it won't lead anywhere and you may end up worse than now. There is also a chance that things will work out but the probability of that is a lot lower.

[Cooper04]

Thank you for your replies.

 

I've been reading a lot on these forums the last few weeks. It's funny how when I read advice given to people who's basically in the exact same situation it makes perfect sense, but when its MY situation, there's a part of my brain that tries to convince me it's all different and it doesn't apply to me..

 

I think I knew what you were all going to say as soon as I hit post.

Though I don't agree that her friend was feeding me a line or trying to spare my feelings, that just wasn't the vibe in the conversation at all, the bottom line is she didn't want me a month ago, that hasn't changed by now and it won't change by me trying to convince her.

 

As I've mentioned in some other threads, it is inevitable that I run into her again, both through work but also through my private life, but after having some hours to think about it and after reading your replies, I've decided to just let it be for now.

[Cooper04]

 

That being said a lot of people don't have the capability of being that straight forward. Some need a nudge in the right direction. Whether your ex is like that only you know.

 

 

 

We didn't split on a bad note, there was no argument or bad feelings, but I made it very clear I didn't want any further contact. And knowing her, she would find it difficult to take that first step, even if she wanted to reconcile, and with me saying that and then blocking her on social media, I do think it makes it very unlikely she'll contact me.

But I'll leave it for now.

[bubby7]

I agree with a lot of the advice that was given. I think you’re making a wise choice to “leave it for now”; putting pressure on someone to keep a relationship going rarely works. Do you think this can be a perfect time for you to focus on yourself and see where you might want to advance physically, emotionally, and spiritually? You’ll be that more ready for your next relationship! All the best…

[Cooper04]

I agree with a lot of the advice that was given. I think you’re making a wise choice to “leave it for now”; putting pressure on someone to keep a relationship going rarely works. Do you think this can be a perfect time for you to focus on yourself and see where you might want to advance physically, emotionally, and spiritually? You’ll be that more ready for your next relationship! All the best…

 

I work out religiously, but have started working out twice a day (Lucky enough to have an understanding boss who lets me go to the gym for 90 mins before lunch to help me work through this slump).

Have also been looking into self-help, life coaching and similar stuff. Not 100% sure what I'm looking for with that, just trying to get a better understanding of my own emotions and reactions.

 

Going to combined work/social event tomorrow, and expect to meet my ex there. When I wrote the original post here, I wanted to contact her, now I'm really apprehensive about going. No idea what I'm going to say to her..