NO! Is this real? me, anyone ....

[Solas]

It's a long read, The TL:DR version below.

 

Hi guys. Just looking for some insight on my most recent relationship. I just would like your opinions because I'm trying to have an open mind about it all. Long Read ahead, so get your popcorn and tea ready, cause it's gonna be boring.

 

I knew my ex 8 years ago when she was a bartender at a bar I frequented. I had a major crush on her but knew she had a bf at the time. I would go to the bar just to see her. I was dating off and on but always wanted to be with her. I was drinking way too much. One night, I went to the bar pretty wasted, and she was outside crying. I put my arm around her and comforted he, she told me she her bf just broke up with her. OMG, this was the moment for me to seize the opportunity. I just couldn't do it, she was far too wrecked about the breakup and I was in no condition to make a move on her during this vulnerable state.

 

Eventually, I moved to another state and was in a long-term relationship with a nice woman. Over the years, I would always check up on my current Ex and wonder what being with her could have been like. Fast forward, I moved back and a few months later I get a Facebook message from her. I didn't think anything of it, but she wanted to hang out. I offered several things to do and she picked dinner. I knew at that moment she was interested in me. Our first date was amazing. Everything about it was perfect. Sitting across from her at dinner, looking into her eyes and the way she looked at me, we were in love. We went out for a drink and she invited me back to her place. It got so hot and heavy we almost had sex. Somehow, we were able to not go there, but it was really tough.

 

The next day she sent me a text asking if I'd like to see her again. I told her of course. Later that day she invited me to her home for dinner. WOOT!! The girl I've longed for wants me?!?! Usually, it would be too soon, but because of how incredible our first date was, I couldn't resist. So... now we come to what I feel are the first of many red flags. I get to her apartment and she opens the door. She's smiling and I kiss her, I walk in and see a little 3-year-old girl watching cartoons in the living room. I knew she had a daughter but was very shocked she would have me over when her daughter was there. I would have never agreed to come over that night if I knew that would be the case.

 

I don't think you should introduce a very young child to a new boyfriend right away. It's not really the best thing for the child. That's my opinion. The little girl was running around naked. She was climbing all over the table where we were eating, butt naked of course, my ex thought it was cute and fun, never once told the child that is was "inappropriate".

The child was on top of the table and farted in my general direction. My Ex did nothing and said nothing about that just laughed it off, because thats how all 3-year-olds act, get used to it.

 

I wasn't happy about it as you can imagine.. The child then went back to the couch to watch cartoons. She started screaming for her mom. Her mom brought her plate of food and set it on the coffee table. My ex girlfriend sat next to her and the child said "Nurse, nurse" My ex took out her breast and started breastfeeding. (BTE, my ex;s breast were DAMAGED, from all the breastfeeding. She had AMAZING boobs before. okay, Ack, nevermind.

 

Then after a while of that, the kid jumped off the couch and started eating food from her plate, then stopped and went back to breastfeeding. I found this to be a huge red flag. I was very disturbed by this as I have experience raising toddlers from my previous relationship. In that relationship, my girlfriend stopped breastfeeding when the child was a little over a year old when it could eat solid food. Later that night before I left she wanted me to come over on Wednesday again for dinner. I said yes, but was having some major mixed emotions.

 

Wednesday arrived and I went to her apartment for dinner. Again, the child was there, and that's where I got to see a glips of how things were going to be.

 

She was coddling the child every second. The kid would demand something and my ex would do it. The most common terms the child would use was "nurse" (breastfeeding) "Mommy up" (wants to be carried around). If my ex didn't immediately give the child what she wanted the child would scream bloody murder. The child was obnoxious, a far cry from the two sweet little girls I helped raise from my previous relationship.

 

That night, after dinner my ex-wanted to go to the park with her daughter. We went, and it was very dark and romantic. I embraced her while her daughter played. She then brought up marriage and having children with me. I was shocked. This is only 3 days after our first date and she brought up marriage and having kids? Obviously, my response wasn't what she wanted to hear and the entire way back to the apartment she had a pissed off look on her face and didn't speak to me. I felt like a complete fool. Maybe I overreacted, but that seemed like a huge red flag at the time. I thought maybe she was just trying to get a new father for her daughter, i.e. a new "baby daddy".

 

Okay so now I'm just going to give the rest of the red flags in bullet points. If you want more detail just ask.

 

The child was not potty trained (peed all over the couch one night, pools of urine under the couch cusions), and was still sleeping with her mother, at age three. Everything was a struggle with the kid. Getting out of the bath, putting jammies on, putting shoes on, eating dinner and the big one ... going to sleep. I'm not going to touch on that, all I will say is, I feel REALLY bad for her neighbors, they're saints!!!!

 

She told me she got pregnant when she had drunk one night stand with her deadbeat roommate. She said this man physically hurt her too. I found out later she had been having sex with him frequently and he was never using protection. She said she kept the pregnancy because she thought it was her only chance to have a baby in this life, that she'd never find a man (she was only 31 at the time) to give her a baby. The child's dad only pays $50 a month child support, is a loser and my ex thinks he's revolting. When he does come around he's "Best dad on the planet". Yeah, a real douche canoe.

 

My ex was only working 2 days a week, just enough to pay rent and other bills. She said she was only working 2 days because she wanted to spend as much time with her child as possible.

My ex was not responsible in certain areas. Example: she didn't know her licence had been expired for 8 months.

 

She was very selfish in bed. Every time we had sex, it had to be the same position until she would climax, then after she was satisfied, she would hint at me to "wrap it up". Every time. Not saying the sex was bad, it was great. I was just never allowed to savor the intimacy.

 

Not sure if this was a red flag, she revealed how many partners she had. She's slept with about 30 different guys. For me, this was ego bruising as I've had a total of about 8 partners in 30 + years. I could have had sex plenty of times, but I always kept it for a person I was in love with. The one time I did it with a person I had no feelings for, it was very lame. Hehe. Awkward telling you all this.

 

I pushed her to stop breastfeeding, which afterwards, she was VERY happy about. I pushed her to put her kid in preschool, which the child loves. I pushed her to potty train the child, which was a success. I pushed her to stop carrying around the child constantly. I pushed her to put the child in her own room, as to not have them sleep together every night, which they still would do. Ugh, I could keep going but you get the idea. I helped this woman. She has used this against me anytime we have an argument. She thinks her screwed up life was, perfectly fine. Okay, so maybe in her mind it was. But why go after a "high-end boyfriend" then be shocked when he's not kosher with your hippie ideals?

Am I wrong here? This woman is a mess, in my opinion. I looked beyond ALL of her character defects and idiosyncracies. But when the time came for my flaws to show up, she would accuse me of judging her on her life and how she raised this child. Actually, after typing all this out I think maybe, the two of us were never compatible. I do love her, very much. I would do anything for her. I just think she is a child worshiper and nothing will change that.

TL:DR VERSION

• Longtime love contacts me out of nowhere, when I was suffering a massive breakup.....
  
• First date was amazing, almost had sex
  
• She asked me to come over the next night, When I did the child was there.
  
• The child, at 3+ years old was: still breastfeeding and eating solid food, sleeping with her mom, controlled EVERY situation with her "Screaming", "Tantrums" and "Noncoherent" attitude. While I had to sit there, like a dumb ass.
  

 

I exerted my knowledge and experience upon my ex. BOOM. DOWNFALL.

In the end, it's all about what the kids wants, right? OR, may we as adults issue some form of, line? Because when you love a child that much, there seems to be no line. We give them EVERYTHING, because we luv 'em so much.

 

Actually, I've left about 50% of "her side" out if this story. AND she will give you an amazing excuse for everything I've told you thus far.

 

Okay .... thoughts?

Edited March 28, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
fixed the unneeded pokes and removed language

[TaraMaiden2]

Walk.

 

Away.

[ExpatInItaly]

Stay broken up.

 

You're not compatible. You say you don't get why she went after a "high-end" boyfriend, but you could by the same token ask yourself why you went after someone who didn't your views. You saw a lot of red flags but you chose to overlook them. That's on you.

[luluv13]

So this is my first post but I felt the need to comment. I am a single mother that practices attachment parenting (similar to what you describe your girlfriend doing). My daughter was 4 when my boyfriend and I started dating. She and I cosleep and she breastfed until she was almost 4.

 

I agree with the others that you and this girl do not sound compatible. I don't think you mentioned how long you two have been dating or if you are currently broken up. And, i am sorry that this may sound a bit harsh but you sound awfully judgmental about her, her child, and parenting style in particular. That isn't healthy for either of you. Regardless if you agree with how she is doing things or not, the fact of the matter is, you aren't her child's parent nor to you live together (i don't think). As much as you saw it as a red flag that she was mentioning having a family with you at such an early time, it seems a red flag that you are trying to dictate how she raises her child at such an early stage (if you guys haven't been dating that long) of the relationship. I think that it really shows that you two are not compatible long-term especially on the parenting-style area.

 

My ex was also a bachelor (38) so no kids and never married, very professional, not hippie AT ALL. He had not had any exposure to my parenting style before me. BUT one thing I loved about him was that he went and did tons of research about attachment parenting when we started dating seriously to try to understand why I parent the way that I do. Not in a judgmental way but in a wanting to know and understand me way. I know he didn't agree with how I handled everything and he would offer suggestions if I felt frustrated or asked him but he would never try to tell me how to parent because he knew that is just not his place at that point and we dated 5 months. With that said, he loved my daughter though and thought she was great.

 

As for her breasts, if you do a little research, breastfeeding does not cause saggy or destroyed breasts, it is pregnancy and weight gain in the breast area that does that. The world health organization recommends breastfeeding until the age of 2. It's those types of stigmas that make breastfeeding not as accepted as it should be in this society.

 

If you guys are still together and you want to stay together, I think you need to step back from being so defensive and try really hard to see things from her point a view. She is a single mother that sounds like she is struggling. If she's in her thirties then she is probably freaking out because she is getting older and wants a family especially if she has never been married before and since baby-daddy isn't great.

Honestly, it sounds like you should just move on because if you two can't agree and respect each others views on things like this and if you are not in love with her daughter also and you've been seeing each other a while then it's really in the best interest of everyone involved to move on to find someone more compatible.

[Zahara]

You need to move on. A relationship cannot and will not thrive on love alone. There are no shared values and goals, thus a lack of compatibility.

 

After everything you mentioned in your post, I even have to wonder what you love about her/this relationship. Much has to be said about you -- in your need to overlook all the red flags and still choose to play white knight.

 

And if you're having sex with her, please use protection. You don't want another pregnancy -- bringing another child into this chaos.

[Solas]

Thanks guys for the great advice. I hope more insight will be revealed. I appreciate it.

 

--------------------------------------------------------

 

You saw a lot of red flags but you chose to overlook them. That's on you.

 

I did, indeed, overlook the red flags that were bothering me. Of course, it's on me, but there are red flags in any relationship. I just wanted to know if perhaps I was being too harsh. You know, not having the insight or understanding that goes with a sustainable relationship of this kind.

 

--------------------------------------------------------

 

After everything you mentioned in your post, I even have to wonder what you love about her/this relationship. Much has to be said about you -- in your need to overlook all the red flags and still choose to play white knight.

Thanks for the reply. I have asked myself the same thing. I did overlook red flags. That's why I came here and asked for some advice. It's funny you said "white knight", at one point in the relationship, I knew that's what I was doing.

 

I guess I was hoping the red flags would just go away. That doesn't happen, right?

 

--------------------------------------------------------

 

And, i am sorry that this may sound a bit harsh but you sound awfully judgmental about her, her child, and parenting style in particular.

 

It's that obvious, huh? I was/am very judgmental towards her, one of the reason she finally broke up with me. It's that The two of us had very different lives growing up and so a lot of our ideals didn't mesh.

 

If she's in her thirties then she is probably freaking out because she is getting older and wants a family especially if she has never been married before and since baby-daddy isn't great.

 

Whoa, yeah, this certainly is the case. You have a wide rage of understanding to my Ex's situation.

 

Honestly, it sounds like you should just move on because if you two can't agree and respect each others views on things like this and if you are not in love with her daughter also and you've been seeing each other a while then it's really in the best interest of everyone involved to move on to find someone more compatible.

 

First off, why am I supposed to be in love with her daughter? I have no obligation to love anyone's kid. I like her child and she likes me very much, but she's not mine. Yes, I loved the kids in my previous relationship. But their mother was raising them more in line with my views. They had structure and routine, unlike my ex's child who didn't have anything like that.

 

You are right, she's not my child and I have no say in how my Ex should raise her. I just feel that you think, in this situation, I should have just bowed down to her. That my opinions mean squat. Well, I don't agree. I have feelings too. I brought NO baggage. I went out of my way for her and her child. I saw marriage in this relationship. I'm not going to live a life being a "yes man". It's not fair to me.

 

As much as you saw it as a red flag that she was mentioning having a family with you at such an early time, it seems a red flag that you are trying to dictate how she raises her child at such an early stage (if you guys haven't been dating that long) of the relationship. I think that it really shows that you two are not compatible long-term especially on the parenting-style area.

 

I agree, I've not been the best partner for her. Every time the child was staying with her grandma and it was just "us", It was amazing. When I was there and the kid was there, it pretty much canceled out our relationship as the child was the main event. I suppose I held a resentment about that.

 

Is it selfish of me that, some days, I didn't necessarily look forward to spending the entire evening entertaining her kid? That maybe I needed some affection? Maybe I needed more patience. But, I really only got to see my Ex once a week without her kid, and late at night after she got off work at 11:00 PM.

 

It started to pick away at me after a while.

 

Thanks for your advice luluv13, you seem to know a lot about my situation. I guess I blew it. I suppose my personality isn't suited to being a patient, kind and understanding partner, which is what my Ex needed. I suppose I have a lot of work ahead of me. I need to stop being so judgmental and opinionated, especially when it come to raising a child. Thank you.

[Zahara]

Thanks for the reply. I have asked myself the same thing. I did overlook red flags. That's why I came here and asked for some advice. It's funny you said "white knight", at one point in the relationship, I knew that's what I was doing.

 

I guess I was hoping the red flags would just go away. That doesn't happen, right?

 

No, they don't just go away. Without deep introspection or any self-awareness, I doubt there can be change. I mean, she allows a man into her home -- after one date while her 3 year old daughter is naked running around the house? Clearly void of any healthy boundaries. Three days after your first date she's already talking about marriage and kids and is upset when you don't agree? I didn't have to read any further.

[luluv13]

"It's that obvious, huh? I was/am very judgmental towards her, one of the reason she finally broke up with me. It's that The two of us had very different lives growing up and so a lot of our ideals didn't mesh."

 

I think if your ideals don't match that is the ultimate red flag that you need to let her go.

 

 

"First off, why am I supposed to be in love with her daughter? I have no obligation to love anyone's kid. I like her child and she likes me very much, but she's not mine."

 

IMO you can't and shouldn't have this frame of mind if you are wanting a future with this woman or any woman with a child. Personally for me, if I ever heard a man say or imply these words that I was dating, that would be an IMMEDIATE deal breaker for me. Not saying you would actually say that to her but still. No, she's not your child BUT she's only 3 and if you are to start being in her life now and for the future, you are signing yourself up to be the primary father figure in her life if her mother has custody of her. Sure, you will never be her dad but you certainly can love a child that isn't yours like your own. And, if you feel like you have no obligation to this child then why are you trying to tell her mother how to raise her?

 

"You are right, she's not my child and I have no say in how my Ex should raise her. I just feel that you think, in this situation, I should have just bowed down to her. That my opinions mean squat. Well, I don't agree. I have feelings too. I brought NO baggage. I went out of my way for her and her child. I saw marriage in this relationship. I'm not going to live a life being a "yes man". It's not fair to me."

 

I am in no way saying that you don't have feelings or that your opinions don't matter. I am also not saying that she has great parenting skills and that her kid isn't a little tyrant. But, from what you have described, the mom has an idea of why she does things the way that she does. Maybe I'm wrong about this and maybe she is totally permissive parenting, out of control, and in a state of dysfunction with her daughter but from what you described (extended breastfeeding, cosleeping, wanting to spend the first years at home with her, you referring to her as a hippie, etc) it sounds like she is following what she truly believes is best for her child's emotional development and attachment (which is the premise of attachment parenting). All I am saying is that judging her, convincing her to stop doing things that she obviously felt were best, and making her feel badly and inadequate about her parenting decisions is not the way to have a relationship. Your relationship should consist of mutual respect and an attempt at understanding.

 

 

 

"I agree, I've not been the best partner for her. Every time the child was staying with her grandma and it was just "us", It was amazing. When I was there and the kid was there, it pretty much canceled out our relationship as the child was the main event. I suppose I held a resentment about that. "

 

It's sad. I used to tell myself about my ex-husband that if it were just the two of us on an island we would be infinitely happy. When you add all of life's stressors, how we deal with conflict, our needs, our fundamental values, money, other women, our child, etc we just are not compatible. Like the previous poster said, love is truly just not enough. It just isn't and I am way too guilty of wishing that is was on more than one occasion actually.

 

"Is it selfish of me that, some days, I didn't necessarily look forward to spending the entire evening entertaining her kid? That maybe I needed some affection? Maybe I needed more patience. But, I really only got to see my Ex once a week without her kid, and late at night after she got off work at 11:00 PM."

 

No, I don't think it's selfish at all and I had some issues with this with my ex boyfriend. He was understanding and I NEVER ever pressured him to spend time with my child unless he wanted to (which he often did) but he had to understand that I had a limited schedule. It's just part of the package with me. I think you have needs and regardless if she has a good reason (her child), she isn't meeting your needs. Again, another sign of incompatiblity.

Another way to view it also is to think about things from her point of view. If she loves you, she wishes she could see you more too. Instead she is taking care of a child (one with high needs it sounds like) by herself, day in and day out. It's exhausting, it's scary, and it can really wear on a person being a single parent. Of course, that doesn't mean your feelings aren't valid but it may help your resentment if you try to see things from her view as well.

 

 

"Thanks for your advice luluv13, you seem to know a lot about my situation. I guess I blew it. I suppose my personality isn't suited to being a patient, kind and understanding partner, which is what my Ex needed. I suppose I have a lot of work ahead of me. I need to stop being so judgmental and opinionated, especially when it come to raising a child. Thank you."

 

I am in no way saying that you aren't a good guy. You obviously love this person otherwise you would not be here trying to figure things out. Nor am I saying that you shouldn't have opinions but it's how you work with the person and respect each others opinions that really matter. I don't know if you were a patient, kind, or understanding person only you and your ex know that but don't blame it on your personality. Maybe it has a lot to do with the two of you's communication and compatibility which plays into personality but I would pretty safely say that you definitely could be patient, kind and understanding if you A.) found a partner that helped bring it out in you and B.) if you really work on being conscious about it and how you act.

 

Sadly, fact of the matter is, no matter how much we love a person sometimes circumstances, compatibility, and issues make being together too difficult, unhealthy, or impossible. The best thing you can do for all involved is to recognize this and not follow only love. It's really freaking hard and I am going through the same myself. I am sorry you are going through this. It sucks so badly to not be able to be with someone you love.