MaxPayne416 Posted March 27, 2016 Posted March 27, 2016 Rather than use unnecessary detail I’ll give you a brief summary. 28 M, 27 F. 3 years. Lived together for 2.5 She was consistently selfish. I caught her lying so many times I lost count. She hung out with guys behind my back. She even arguably stole from me on one occasion. Over time I have been trying to help her “grow up”, trying to help her work on her issues and just be a better person overall. I now know that was a mistake. 6 months ago was a major turning point in our relationship. I lost my job because of low oil prices. But, I had a lot of savings so money was not an issue whatsoever. Her biggest problem with it was it postponed buying a house and engagement ring. I’m so thankful for that. 1 week after losing my job, I fell very ill with a very serious bacterial infection. In and out of the hospital for weeks. I also got very depressed. Later I found out, that’s when talking to other guys began, and that has forever changed me. It’s not the event itself, it’s because when I asked her why, she said it was because she wasn’t getting what she needed from the relationship. That comment alone cut me so deep it may never fully heal. I was very sick and depressed, but she was so worried about her needs she went behind my back. Wow. During this rough patch my intuition was in full effect. I never accused her of anything but I did try to talk to her. Deny deny deny but I knew something was up. Fast forward to a month ago. The day I broke up with her. I knew for 6 months she was cheating and I couldn’t take it anymore. I have police level security training so I grilled her until she cracked. She admitted to habitually emotional cheating but not anything physical. The farthest she would go was to admit she went to a guys’ house once but nothing happened. Of course I know better. She was cheating on me with this guy for a long time. I’d bet my last dollar she was. So I broke up with her. The next day I came back to my apartment and she was there. Somehow, some way, she ended up convincing me to try again. I don't know how i ever agreed to try again. Still confused over that part. We made a list of how to improve things, and that was that. The problem though, is once she admitted what she did, it confirmed she cheated. It confirmed my intuition was right. Since then.. Every time I looked at her I saw his **** in her mouth. When she kissed me I literally felt sick. I tried to make it stop but of course it didn’t. After 2 days I was so numb I could barely talk to anyone about anything. It was hard to even move or walk. So I officially ended it and kicked her out. She’s still finding ways to get hurtful messages to me. Saying things like it’s all my fault. She never cheated. She has her entire family, as well as some of my family, convinced that I have delusional paranoia and it’s all my fault this has happened. Zero remorse. Zero empathy for how she betrayed me in one of lowest moments. All she cares about is how much I hurt her by saying we’ll give it another try and taking away her whole world 2 days later. I never will be able to understand how someone could be so cold. Or how a 27 year old woman could be so childish. What do I do? The level of abuse has got me in deep depression. Help me out of it. Please.
Satu Posted March 27, 2016 Posted March 27, 2016 From my journals: They all say,"I needed xyz, and you weren't giving that to me." Then you can get really clear in your head that its all your fault. Then you can get really clear in your head that you're just not good enough. Then you can get really clear in your head that you must do better. Or, you can look at it this way: they did it because they wanted to, which is a good way of looking at it, because it's the truth. You'd be best to go NC for 2 reasons: 1. It prevents further hurt being inflicted upon you by the ex. 2. It gives you the chance to heal without being distracted by the ex. *No direct contact. *No sending or receiving of messages. *Block any means she might use to contact you. *No replies to anything that gets through your blocks. *No indirect contact through third parties. *De-friend or delete from all social media. *No monitoring of her on social media. *No 'little birds' feeding you news. *Tell people that you don't want to know anything about what she is doing or saying. Take care.
SammySammy Posted March 27, 2016 Posted March 27, 2016 It's interesting how we can get so tied to people who are not good for us. Consistent selfishness, lying, cheating, disrespect ... and you still tried to save her. You're "depressed" because you finally got rid of her. Something you should have done a long time ago. Stories like this are why we need dating and relationship standards. So we don't spend a lot of time with people who are not good for us. Definitely not enough time to have your soul shredded. Not your heart, but your soul. That's bad. I know it hurts, but be thankful you got out when you did. It could have been much worse. Time heals all wounds. Use some of the time you spend healing to reflect on what you learned from the relationship. What you can use to be better ... and better prepared ... for the next girl. 1
Hoosfoos Posted March 28, 2016 Posted March 28, 2016 Adages for Max Payne: I've been through the same things with an NPD ex, years ago. I am over it now. This is what I have learned: Be glad you got your stuff. Be glad you found this site so soon. Be glad she isn't pregnant (with your child). Or that you're raising two adolescent girls whom she's birthed and helped raise. Be glad. Be relieved. Feel something positive, if only for what else you might've lost. Count Your Blessings. If you had bought a house with her, you would have lost it and would be paying her spousal support, while she lives in the house you bought. And keep No Contact. Silence Is Golden. Cut her off on all modes of communication. Delete and block. Would you really consider going to an asylum for conjugal visits with your girl? Because the only difference is that she hasn't been caught. Possibly because her friends and family are covering for her, which likely means they're screwed up as well. Birds Of A Feather. Gacy was a childrens' clown-for-hire. Dahmer was beloved by his pastor. Cheney made it to the White House! They Walk Among Us. She will be all you ever think about, for a very long time. That's the end result of the 'crazy-making' behavior. You'll eventually get over it. I guarantee you she's not thinking of you (publicly) unless it's to vilify you... some more. The damage Is done. You can guarantee her behavior won't change and that she will move on to cheat on the next guy.
LostOnes05 Posted March 28, 2016 Posted March 28, 2016 I've learned this lesson twice now...got an F the first time, the second time I'd give myself a C+. What I learned from the experience and speaking with a much older gentleman is to learn that everything ends...regardless of how it ends. I also learned to put my emotions in check by telling myself that "she could leave at any moment". That mentality helped me tremendously, especially when the last girl broke things off with me. I suspect she cheated, actually I'm pretty sure she did. The thing I suggest for you in the future is that if it doesn't feel right...it usually isn't. Never condone cheating, and never try to fix a broken person...that's not your job. I wish you the best in your healing. Don't let someone who doesn't care about you hold space in your head and heart. 1
kztar Posted March 28, 2016 Posted March 28, 2016 I've learned this lesson twice now...got an F the first time, the second time I'd give myself a C+. What I learned from the experience and speaking with a much older gentleman is to learn that everything ends...regardless of how it ends. I also learned to put my emotions in check by telling myself that "she could leave at any moment". That mentality helped me tremendously, especially when the last girl broke things off with me. I suspect she cheated, actually I'm pretty sure she did. The thing I suggest for you in the future is that if it doesn't feel right...it usually isn't. Never condone cheating, and never try to fix a broken person...that's not your job. I wish you the best in your healing. Don't let someone who doesn't care about you hold space in your head and heart. Trying to fix someone who's broken will only end up with you being broken yourself. Lesson learned and to not be repeated.
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