How long will it take to move on?

[Mosufe]

So, I recently posted about my case in LDR section. My ex gf of 1 1/2 years, (the 6 last months being LDR) broke up with me around 2 weeks ago. I think the only reason she told me she wanted to break up was bc I asked her why she had turned very distant those last days. I agreed with the break up broken hearted.

 

Since then I felt an immense pain and urged to move on. I occupied myself with dancing classes, joined a competitive off-road racing team at university, resumed going frequently to gym and started socializing more.

 

I've been in NC ever since, unfriended her on everything despite she wanting to remain as friends. Sometimes I get weak and think alot about her, that's when I usually go check her FB and happen to see pictures of her partying and such. It sucks =/.

 

Her father likes me a lot and still text me sometimes. He only heard about the break up because he asked me how things were going. (Why wouldn't her Daughter tell him this?).

 

Some questions I have about this:

1: How long does it usually take to forget her completely?

2: Provided our break up had no stress at all for us I'm curious to know if it's possible she'll want to reach me out at some point.

3: Should I keep in contact with her father? He's a nice person but everytime I talk to him I think of her.

 

Thanks for your support guys!

[Steven1]

Sadly I know exactly what you are going through mate.

 

1 - Sadly there is no time frame for either one of you. Being in Uni is actually an advantage for you as you will have a lot to keep you busy and occupied, and there are plenty of people around you, friends and other woman. Sadly in a way this is what is keeping my ex girlfriend busy and was partly a cause of our break up lol.

 

2 - She might reach out, break ups can be completely unpredictable as to what people can do. Me and my ex went 8 weeks of no contact before she texted me two days ago asking if I was doing ok etc and to pretty much tell me why we broke up and so on. I've often said before that if the break up is clean then there is every chance you two could become friends or even become a couple again down the line, but that depends on many things and it is something that you shouldn't put all your hope on. But a clean break up has a better chance of things coming back around than a turbulent break up.

 

3 - This is a tough one. I, like you, am close to my ex girlfriends parents. Likewise my parents are close to my ex. Her father gave me a job when I was visiting her overseas and has again offered me a chance to work with him when he comes here. I've known her parents properly for about 4/5 years now. It really depends on you this one. Eventually in time if you move on completely from her, and feel confident enough to talk to her father without getting emotional about her, then by all means you can stay in touch. But if you are finding it difficult it may be best to explain this to him and cut contact for a while. I'm also sure that he would understand this.

[faithfully]

How long is a piece of string??

 

Every break up and recovery time is different. Good job you are in NC and deleting social media.

 

As for the father no offence but I wouldn't keep in tcontact with him even though you two get on well. That's her family not yours.

 

Move on and you will find somebody else. Think about it there are billion of people on this earth, millions of hot women who can give you want you want, why suffering for one girl out of millions who doesn't want you??? That's what I tell myself with guys.

 

You will be fine but stay NC

[Steven1]

How long is a piece of string??

 

Every break up and recovery time is different. Good job you are in NC and deleting social media.

 

As for the father no offence but I wouldn't keep in tcontact with him even though you two get on well. That's her family not yours.

 

Move on and you will find somebody else. Think about it there are billion of people on this earth, millions of hot women who can give you want you want, why suffering for one girl out of millions who doesn't want you??? That's what I tell myself with guys.

 

You will be fine but stay NC

 

 

Weird isn't it? All the people on the planet yet our hearts become so attached to one that it feels as though they are the only one's on the planet lol.

[TaraMaiden2]

....I think the only reason she told me she wanted to break up was bc I asked her why she had turned very distant those last days. I agreed with the break up broken hearted.

I doubt that was the real reason.There must have been a greater reason than you pointing out she had grown distant. Basically, I think that the distance and sporadic get-together was not something she was happy to tolerate. And although she denied anyone else in the picture, you really should not discount that completely.

Since then I felt an immense pain and urged to move on. I occupied myself with dancing classes, joined a competitive off-road racing team at university, resumed going frequently to gym and started socializing more.

It won't work, and will never work, while you seek to do these activities as a replacement for her presence.

You should be doing them to improve and enhance yourself, and further your own life positively.

 

I've been in NC ever since, unfriended her on everything despite she wanting to remain as friends. Sometimes I get weak and think alot about her, that's when I usually go check her FB and happen to see pictures of her partying and such. It sucks =/.

You are not in NC. Not by a long way.

Every time you check on her, you break NC. No Contact means exactly that. None, ever. No checking, no peeking, no looking at Fb. EVER.

When was the last time you checked on her? The day you didn't, the day after, was day one of NC. Which I feel sure, you have already broken again....

 

Her father likes me a lot and still text me sometimes. He only heard about the break up because he asked me how things were going. (Why wouldn't her Daughter tell him this?).

This also qualifies as breaking NC. It's contact by proxy. The fact you are in touch with her father maintains a connection.

His daughter never told him probably because she's dating someone else and she doesn't want to incur his anger by seeming to have cheated on you and lied to you.

 

Some questions I have about this:

1: How long does it usually take to forget her completely?

That depends on how soon you stop breaking NC....

2: Provided our break up had no stress at all for us I'm curious to know if it's possible she'll want to reach me out at some point.

But it DID have stress. Quit wasting your life away on wishes dreams and hope. There is none. Stop, quit, go NC. (Read the link in my signature, 'NC Guide'.)

 

3: Should I keep in contact with her father? He's a nice person but everytime I talk to him I think of her.

No.

No, no and no. That's you breaking NC, and see what it does...?

Edited March 27, 2016 by TaraMaiden2

[Itspointless]

Humans do not completely forget. The ones who do usually have an unhealthy way of dealing with emotions, but almost always congratulate themselves being strong and resilient (do not let them fool you). Your memories will feel different though after (a lot of time) time has passed.

3: Should I keep in contact with her father? He's a nice person but everytime I talk to him I think of her.

Not for now. Perhaps in some years you can reconnect of you still feel the need: you probably wont.

[LydiaLong]

We may not 'forget' about old loves, but they eventually become irrelevant to our lives, like characters in a novel we once read. They become incapable of stirring any kind of emotion.

[Steven1]

In my own opinion I think if you are with someone long enough and you love them etc and you know that they loved you, those memories and that person will always be a part of your life in one way or another. That doesn't stop you from moving on and as people have said it probably won't hinder you in the future, but I think that one person will always occupy someones life.

[TaraMaiden2]

In my own opinion I think if you are with someone long enough and you love them etc and you know that they loved you, those memories and that person will always be a part of your life in one way or another. That doesn't stop you from moving on and as people have said it probably won't hinder you in the future, but I think that one person will always occupy someones life.

 

The aim is to reach Benign Indifference.

 

When you can look upon them hugging another partner, and with a baby in tow, be happy for them, pleased for their life, but still remeber you need to buy bread and potatoes for dinner...

[Itspointless]

We may not 'forget' about old loves, but they eventually become irrelevant to our lives, like characters in a novel we once read. They become incapable of stirring any kind of emotion.

Irrelevant for our present lives but important for who we have become. If I think back to my first ex (many years ago) I still can miss who she was. I do have a very good memory when it comes to experiences and feelings. She is married and has a kid. I am happy for her, but always a little afraid for her husband, I know what she was capable of. I hope she has matured, but in all honesty I really doubt it.

[Steven1]

Although my break up is still very recent, for the time I was with her I will always have fond memories of her as we had some great times together, and I wish her all the best for the future and her career etc. If anything at the very least she gave me some of the best times of my life when I was with her and those are things I will never forget.

[Itspointless]

Although my break up is still very recent, for the time I was with her I will always have fond memories of her as we had some great times together, and I wish her all the best for the future and her career etc. If anything at the very least she gave me some of the best times of my life when I was with her and those are things I will never forget.

That is good Steven, at some point new good memories will be added.

[BC1980]

Some questions I have about this:

1: How long does it usually take to forget her completely?

2: Provided our break up had no stress at all for us I'm curious to know if it's possible she'll want to reach me out at some point.

3: Should I keep in contact with her father? He's a nice person but everytime I talk to him I think of her.

 

1. It's different for everyone, but you probably won't forget her completely. It's not about forgetting her; it's about the emotions you attach to her memory. You are going for indifference. I knew I had pretty much reached indifference when I wished my ex neither good nor bad. I simply no longer cared. It took 2 years of NC from a 3 year relationship to get to that point. Some people take longer, and some never get there.

 

2. From what I can tell most dumpers do tend to reach out at some point, but it's mostly out of curiosity.

 

3. I would not recommend keeping in contact with family members. The relationship will probably fade on its own if you allow it to. It just creates problems for people to stay in touch with family members. I'm sure there are situations where people do stay in touch, and it's fine. But you have to evaluate that for yourself. What do you hope to get out of keeping in contact with her father? Is it realistic to do so?

Edited March 27, 2016 by BC1980

[Dente]

Weird isn't it? All the people on the planet yet our hearts become so attached to one that it feels as though they are the only one's on the planet lol.

 

ya its weird.

[TaraMaiden2]

ya its weird.

 

No, it's ridiculous, when you think about it in those terms....

[LydiaLong]

It's largely an evolutionary thing.

[TaraMaiden2]

It's largely an evolutionary thing.

 

whut is....?

[Itspointless]

whut is....?

This way of reacting Lydia is talking about. It has nothing to do with our neofrontal cortex (rational brain). When someone breaks up with us we are thrown back in old survival instincts. We become that two year old that cannot find his parents while shopping. We are confronted with a huge fear of death when those attachment patterns are triggered.

[Steven1]

No, it's ridiculous, when you think about it in those terms....

 

 

I think it depends how relatively you look at it to be honest.

 

There are billions, certainly millions like you said..., but what are the odds that you will find the one that makes you truly happy or as happy as you once were?

 

Your first everything is usually not something you forget and is often always a comparison to future events etc. Of course this is just a general thing and not relevant to everyone as there are to many factors to take into consideration..

 

But If you were in a long term relationship I think it's natural if not avoidable that it will always have some effect on you down the line. I've known quite a few people who had long term relationships end, and even 3/4/5 years down the line when they are with someone else, they still mention regrets about their previous relationship and how they wish it had worked out differently etc.

[TaraMaiden2]

I think it depends how relatively you look at it to be honest.

 

There are billions, certainly millions like you said..., but what are the odds that you will find the one that makes you truly happy or as happy as you once were?

This is the big problem. People don't get it.

Every one you meet, will be 'the one'.

Miss or Mr Right, will always be Miss or Mr Right - now.

 

We place such expectations on finding Mr/Miss perfect for us, that we set our sights too high.

Gracious, everyone is human, everyone has imperfections. Even those we thought were in it with us, for the long haul, eventually prove to be far from perfect.

Why do people seek something which frankly, is largely unrealistic and elusive?

 

What they're essentially doing is saying that they cannot be truly complete on their own, they require long-term, intimate and dedicated companion, otherwise life will be the less for it.

 

Your first everything is usually not something you forget and is often always a comparison to future events etc.

And that's the second mistake. Your 'first everything' was never everything. Had they been, they still would be.

Your 'first everything' was 'everything that is cool at this age, in this moment'. To say that someone was your 'everything' puts a hell of a responsibility on their shoulders and unreasonable expectations on yours.

 

Of course this is just a general thing and not relevant to everyone as there are to many factors to take into consideration..

Precisely. Which is why such situations are actually as rare as hen's teeth...

 

But If you were in a long term relationship I think it's natural if not avoidable that it will always have some effect on you down the line.

Of course. You can't spend any amount of time with anyone without there being some influence.

I've known quite a few people who had long term relationships end, and even 3/4/5 years down the line when they are with someone else, they still mention regrets about their previous relationship and how they wish it had worked out differently etc.

The question is: Why didn't it?

Lack of effective communication, loss/abuse of trust, loss of respect.... basically, an awful lot of relationships run their course, then one or the other does something to put the cap on it.

I think if more people realised that EVERY SINGLE RELATIONSHIP they entered into, will one day end, they'd be more inclined to appreciate how precious it is.

Then they'd live in the moment, and take it as an instant of gratifying pleasure, rather than then look back on it with a heavy heart, regret, and an 'if only' mentality....

[TaraMaiden2]

This way of reacting Lydia is talking about. It has nothing to do with our neofrontal cortex (rational brain). When someone breaks up with us we are thrown back in old survival instincts. We become that two year old that cannot find his parents while shopping. We are confronted with a huge fear of death when those attachment patterns are triggered.

 

Ooooh! "Attachment"! The main crux of everything, I've learnt, by following Buddhism!

 

(And I'll stop right there!).

[Steven1]

I think if more people realised that EVERY SINGLE RELATIONSHIP they entered into, will one day end, they'd be more inclined to appreciate how precious it is.

 

Can't really say I agree with that... I agree with the intent and certainly looking back now there were times I genuinely tried to just capture the moment and times that went by far to quickly, however if the intent of going into the relationship with the attitude of basically being "this won't last" then why do any of us bother with relationships in general and not just have constant one night stands or friends with benefits and no attachments what so ever? I think that's a very downward spiral to end up going on if you went into a relationship with that view.

 

 

We place such expectations on finding Mr/Miss perfect for us, that we set our sights too high.

Gracious, everyone is human, everyone has imperfections. Even those we thought were in it with us, for the long haul, eventually prove to be far from perfect.

Why do people seek something which frankly, is largely unrealistic and elusive?

 

I know you are directing this at relationships...but again if you were to settle for what ever came your way, you not only misleading yourself but the person you end up with, again a very dangerous game to play. I agree that people can set their expectations far to high, but if you didn't set them to a relatively high standard, your relationship would suffer as a consequence. Definitely agree everyone is human and has imperfections, and their is no 'perfect' person to the true meaning of the word, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't stop looking for the 'perfect' person for you.

[Itspointless]

I know you are directing this at relationships...but again if you were to settle for what ever came your way, you not only misleading yourself but the person you end up with, again a very dangerous game to play. I agree that people can set their expectations far to high, but if you didn't set them to a relatively high standard, your relationship would suffer as a consequence. Definitely agree everyone is human and has imperfections, and their is no 'perfect' person to the true meaning of the word, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't stop looking for the 'perfect' person for you.

Perfection does not exist. Nobody can be the one, but we can try to be our best for someone. I believe in ones, not those millions everybody usually wants to talk about but there are enough people we can make a healthy match with. Unfortunately sometimes it seems they cannot are want to be found. Searching is overrated anyway.

 

for me personally there has not been a difference in pain at all with different exes. All instances hurted too much.

[Steven1]

Perfection is only relative to what the person thinks perfection is though... what is perfect to one person, is not perfect to the next. Perfection as a definition does not exist as everyone has flaws etc. But perfection to what you or I would deem as "perfect" or close enough to that word, will probably be very different.

[TaraMaiden2]

Can't really say I agree with that... I agree with the intent and certainly looking back now there were times I genuinely tried to just capture the moment and times that went by far to quickly, however if the intent of going into the relationship with the attitude of basically being "this won't last" then why do any of us bother with relationships in general and not just have constant one night stands or friends with benefits and no attachments what so ever? I think that's a very downward spiral to end up going on if you went into a relationship with that view.

You've totally misunderstood my point.

It's not a case of having that fatalistic mind-set going into the relationship.

It's an absolute, concrete undeniable fact.

Even those who stay together for life, mention "til death us do part" in their vows. Every single relationship - with anyone, or anything - WILL END.

With your parents, your siblings, your partner, your dog and your car.

That shiny state-of-the-art model you just bought fresh from the showroom, hot off the production line - will one day be a bucket of rust in a breaker's yard.

That gorgeous, big-eyed, floppy-eared cute little puppy you pick up from the rescue pound will one day be an elderly, infirm companion in need of care and slow walks.

 

Do any of us think that way when we buy that car, or get that dog? Of course not. But we do it anyway.

 

Maybe if we were simply conscious of the transitory nature of all things, and reminded ourselves now and then, we'd put more into it, and appreciate each day, rather than being in a hurry to think about the future, or dwell on the past....

 

 

 

 

I know you are directing this at relationships...but again if you were to settle for what ever came your way, you not only misleading yourself but the person you end up with, again a very dangerous game to play.

If you 'settle' you do yourself a disservice, and the person you're with an insult.

Never settle, but then never take for granted, either.

 

I agree that people can set their expectations far to high, but if you didn't set them to a relatively high standard, your relationship would suffer as a consequence.

What high standards? And what guarantees does having high standards actually bring?

The higher you are, the harder you fall...

 

Definitely agree everyone is human and has imperfections, and their is no 'perfect' person to the true meaning of the word, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't stop looking for the 'perfect' person for you.

Perfect person for you. Then you find them, and lose them.

Just remember, rather than mourn that, accept that it's the natural course of things. That way you'll appreciate it more and be glad it took place, rather than mourn its loss when it finishes (how or whatever way it finishes.)