Have i the right to ask?

[Hatts1]

My GF and I split a month ago after being together for a year. We have been chatting this whole month about what went wrong, we have met once and will again next week, our meet was very loving and honest up to the point she hugged for a long time when we were saying goodbye also lots of kissing.

She has told me a few times that see can see us together again, her texts to me are very positive but i know she was at home on Friday evening with another guy, she told me that she was at her local pub that evening with a friend of hers (a woman)

Now my problem is have i got the right to ask her straight out if she is dating or has she seen other guys?......I think i do as she has been telling me all these positive about us getting back together, arranging to meet me, kissing and cuddling me, I've not seen her since i found out about her dinner date at home. We met up two days before her dinner date so i can imagine she already knew she was going to have dinner with another guy when she was telling me all the positive stuff about getting back together

[soph-walker]

My GF and I split a month ago after being together for a year. We have been chatting this whole month about what went wrong, we have met once and will again next week, our meet was very loving and honest up to the point she hugged for a long time when we were saying goodbye also lots of kissing.

She has told me a few times that see can see us together again, her texts to me are very positive but i know she was at home on Friday evening with another guy, she told me that she was at her local pub that evening with a friend of hers (a woman)

Now my problem is have i got the right to ask her straight out if she is dating or has she seen other guys?......I think i do as she has been telling me all these positive about us getting back together, arranging to meet me, kissing and cuddling me, I've not seen her since i found out about her dinner date at home. We met up two days before her dinner date so i can imagine she already knew she was going to have dinner with another guy when she was telling me all the positive stuff about getting back together

 

Why did you both split OP?

[Hatts1]

we are very much the same, i moved in with her, i have two kids, live with my ex but stay at weekend, i brought mine up one way and she with hers, both different so we all were working on finding the happy middle but we did have a few issues, communication, we both waited for the other so share issues so by the time we did the little everyday issues were big ones and affection, we both love it but we are so alike we would both wait for the other to make the first move so both felt rejection, all these in my eyes are easy to put right with a bit of time and understanding

[loveiswar101]

Simple answer is NO you don't have the right to ask, you can but be prepared to feel the backlash.

 

Even though you have split you still are very much in contact, too much. How is she going to miss you, you have put yourself in the friends-zone now.

 

She kisses and cuddles you because she knows she can, it's definitely not right, don't do it again however much you want. She does this to keep you interested until she finds someone else, if not she may comeback, you are now back up it feels.

 

Let her explore, why you do what you have to do. It sounds like you for sure want to get back together, she knows this. Let her miss you, nice but small replies to texts not rude, don't be available.

 

Let her come to you!

 

You haven't said why you are catching up soon? Swap things, chat, date etc?

Edited March 27, 2016 by loveiswar101

[Hatts1]

She wants to meet to build the bridges, she has given me all the positive signs of wanting to get back together yet is dating someone else, that cant be right!!

[angel.eyes]

Then, stop choosing to participate!

 

Bottom line: you're broken up. What she does with her life now that you're her ex is none of your business. Since she's no longer in a relationship, she's free to do whatever she wants with other men, including multi-date.

 

If she's having dinner dates with other guys, she's quite obviously moving on with her life. You should be too instead of trying to rekindle something. The relationship is over and dead. If it weren't, you would never have broken up in the first place. Let it go. You're making this unnecessarily painful for yourself by hanging on and turning this into a very long goodbye.

[basil67]

She wants to meet to build the bridges, she has given me all the positive signs of wanting to get back together yet is dating someone else, that cant be right!!

 

Well apparently she IS seeing someone else so you don't have to ask. You already know. Question is: what will you do with this knowledge?

[loveiswar101]

I'm no expert. But if she is seeing someone else, even if just dating, she doesn't want to get back together at this moment and giving herself options after your break up.

 

Her kissing hugging (positive signs) is just her keeping you around in her orbit at the moment why she decides. I would seriously just give it space for a while, I would not catch up but keep low contact. I feel if you met with no full intentions of her saying I want you back nothing will come of catching up and you will leave in dismay and no near to your goal of getting back together.

 

If you still want to catch up which you probably will as I feel no will power (im the same so not having ago, were only human). I fully recommend you put your cards on the table with her and tell her you want to get back together and when she thinks she's ready to try again to get hold of you and can start fresh. THEN WALK AWAY.

 

If you keep going to a forth with this it will be one yoyo ride emotionally for you. You have to be strong. Decide on what you want and leave it at that.

 

That my opinion and be best if someone else could jump in on this thread with their thoughts!

[Hatts1]

good point, thanks, i never looked at it from a different angle

[Hatts1]

Hi Angel,

 

Its not me doing the chasing, she is contacting me, she is saying she can see a future, she is starting the hugs and kisses not me!!!....if it was dead why is she doing these things? she has seen me texts about where we could live, how we could go about things, telling me she loves me etc

Its not me chasing, yes i would love it to work, she has done all this and now i know she is seeing someone else, thanks for your reply but some how i really dont think thats being honest or fare

[TaraMaiden2]

Hi Angel,

 

Its not me doing the chasing, she is contacting me, she is saying she can see a future, she is starting the hugs and kisses not me!!!....if it was dead why is she doing these things? she has seen me texts about where we could live, how we could go about things, telling me she loves me etc

Its not me chasing, yes i would love it to work, she has done all this and now i know she is seeing someone else, thanks for your reply but some how i really dont think thats being honest or fare

 

Angel is 100% correct, you need to break off all contact. She's your ex. She has no right into insights into your life and to make carrot-dangling promises, while also being in the arms of another man.

If you maintain contact with her, it will eventually run you down and you end up being her patsy, her soft place to fall, her option, not her priority. You need to go No Contact.

 

Definitely.

[Hatts1]

thank you for your help

[TaraMaiden2]

'Help' only works if you take the advice.

Will you?

[central]

If you start dating and having sex with other women, and you then meet up with her again, you can be on level ground if you discuss getting back together. She is checking out other options, stringing you along in the meantime, and almost certainly having sex with them while she figures out if she can do better than you. You should be looking to see if you can do better too - in fact, you must, because it's likely that she will find and stay with someone else. Not only would you then have to deal with the finality of the break up, you'd be a ways away from being ready to date again. These other men may not be better, but novelty can often be more appealing than a known quantity.

 

I suggest cancelling the meeting with her, and not meet again until you've been dating a while too. No contact is an option, but if you occasionally stay in touch and date too, then it may be okay. But, do you want her back after she's left and only keeps you as Plan B?

[Hatts1]

Hi Tara,

 

Thats why i put my problems on somewhere like this for advice, yes i will listen but i guess I'll make my own mind up but hearing things from different angle help no end!!...Thank you

[Versacehottie]

I agree that you already "know" so it's more a matter of what are you going to do with the information. I think you feel disrespected and led on which is why you want to ask and have her tell you to your face. You want to force the issue.

 

IMO, it depends on what your goal is. Of course, outside of what your goal is, you do have a right to ask. You are still in contact; she is telling you there is still a chance for you two. Even if there is just a friendship left, you always have a right to ask. You don't have a right to dictate what she does or nor should expect an honest answer. She is basically playing both sides because she could have chosen to tell you before the date, upon the breakup (without even a alternative guy in mind--just that she needs time to experience dating) but instead she is holding out the promise of a relationship because she can tell it is what you want and wants to keep you as an option. Never say never but it's not the most positive sign.

 

If you want a real chance with her, I say don't confront her--which effectively what you would be doing, be honest with yourself about that. Maybe don't have the next meet up with her so soon. Wait until your feelings have settled a little bit and you get your mojo back. And yes you should be dating too; it's part of the reason you are upset. She is really upsetting the balance of things and dinging your ego. First order of business is to feel better about yourself and then evaluate things from THAT perspective. You need to be in the mindset where you have options and getting back together with her is just one of them. That's how she is operating. That will balance things out. To talk to her now is just you trying to force the issue and will come off as clingy and overbearing, controlling and that you are desperate. You should in some way be showing her that you are in no way desperate. The only benefit that I can see to calling her out/asking her about it is that in some way you might have a temporary ego boost from attempting to get your dignity back. I think it would be short-lived though because it won't change the fact that she is going on these dates, did go and she probably won't get back together with you because you ask.

 

My guess is that if she is dating other guys while keeping you on the back burner is that you are too nice/too available. More beta than alpha. Asking her about it is more of the same beta behavior and basically lets her know YET AGAIN that you will still "be there" albeit with the additional headache of confrontation and visible insecurity. IMO, your best bet to get her back is to run your game from the most confident and secure place. Like she would be lucky to have you and you had something special together. Worrying about other guys does not allow you to do that, ie if you did not know about this date it wouldn't affect your behavior as much. If you were dating other girls, your behavior with her would be different, more positive from a confident, more secure place.

 

BTW, I don't think seeing her as much as you have been (before you even found out about this guy) is a good idea. Especially if she broke up with you or asked for space. She needs to get the very real feeling that if she does not take action with you that she will lose you. You can leave your thoughts about the other guys out of it--that advice stands regardless. Good luck

[Hatts1]

Thank you all for your comments and advice!!

 

I've had a text this afternoon saying she wants to talk to her children about our situation, we when we first got together spoke in length about where to live long term, we decided about an area around my work and kids (just made sense) and has just said she would like to stay in her area, or could we, in her words, its getting more confusing by the second!

[TaraMaiden2]

Thank you all for your comments and advice!!

 

I've had a text this afternoon saying she wants to talk to her children about our situation, we when we first got together spoke in length about where to live long term, we decided about an area around my work and kids (just made sense) and has just said she would like to stay in her area, or could we, in her words, its getting more confusing by the second!

 

No, it's not.

She's just adding to the mix. You are deciding it's confusing you.

 

From your end, just focus on your own actions.

Do not respond.

You really need to listen to advice and block her, delete her details and go No Contact.

 

While you decide to make your own mind up and permit contact, this is the kind of thing we're going to continue hearing from you, and you will always remain confused because you will want to believe her words mean something.

 

They don't.

Actions speak louder than words.

 

Honestly hun, you really would do a whole lot better to take the advice we're trying to give you.

Truly.

[Jabron1]

I wouldn't be taking her seriously, if I were you.

 

Stop meeting her to talk about your 'feelings'. Next time she calls up, you arrange an evening date.

 

She's not interested, or tries to play any silly buggers? 'Oh okay. I'm a bit busy at the moment, got to go now. I'll call you later'.

 

Don't call. If she calls again, it's more of the same.

 

She has just demoted herself to 'friends with benefits'.

[Jabron1]

Thank you all for your comments and advice!!

 

I've had a text this afternoon saying she wants to talk to her children about our situation, we when we first got together spoke in length about where to live long term, we decided about an area around my work and kids (just made sense) and has just said she would like to stay in her area, or could we, in her words, its getting more confusing by the second!

 

Ignore....

[mightycpa]

I think that what you really want to tell her is to stop feeding you BS. The best and surest way to do that is to let her go completely. Your conversations are like a chain to the past, and what you don't realize is that you're like a trained animal. The chain has been broken, but you're stuck within your old boundaries because you've been conditioned.

 

Time to walk free.

[Hatts1]

Thanks for all the comments, they helped, I decided to delete all contact numbers/emails, thanks