unbeknown Posted March 26, 2016 Posted March 26, 2016 So this seems to be a regular occurrence for me. At face value it seems that I have really excellent first dates. 9 times out 10 they will end with a kiss. A proper kiss. Not a peck on the cheek. Conversation will always be excellent. I'll have them laughing, leaning in to me. A genuine fun time by both parties. Yet of all the dates I've been on in the past, which is now becoming an embarrassingly high number, only a small handful have ever gone past date number 1. I can't really comment on the others as I can't really remember but let's look at my most recent date last week for an example: We meet up for some drinks. Conversation is great throughout and not a single awkward silence. She's laughing a lot. Playing with her hair and fiddling with her rings etc (read up that it's good body language - not reading in to it too much). Now here's the clincher. She goes to the toilet and when she comes back she's applied some more perfume to make herself smell nice and adjusted her hair - any reason a woman would do that if they're not interested? We chat about a follow up date which she agrees to. I then walk her home afterwards and she thanks me for a lovely evening and the night ends with a fairly long kiss, her saying for me to make sure I message her when I'm home. Now this is where things go downhill - and I'm only basing this on one thing but from past experiences it's been a huge indicator. Before the date she would text back instant. Long intriguing messages and quite flirty. Now she's very slow to reply (yes I know she might be busy etc but it's exactly set up for a fade out) and her messages are very short and to the point. It just has me thinking why would she show so many signs of interest and go cold so soon. This is pretty much how it always goes for me. The only common factor in all these dates is that based on where I live and my job I only meet woman online (Tinder/POF) and where that's where I think I'm going wrong the odds of every single date only being a first is far too low. Anyone care to give a little outsider insight? Surely she wouldn't show that much interest just to be nice, no? I most certainly wouldn't
angel.eyes Posted March 27, 2016 Posted March 27, 2016 Have you actually asked her out on a second date? Specific activity, place, and time? Personally, I keep my dating life simple. If no second date is forthcoming, I'm no longer interested. On to the next. 1
Author unbeknown Posted March 27, 2016 Author Posted March 27, 2016 Have you actually asked her out on a second date? Specific activity, place, and time? Personally, I keep my dating life simple. If no second date is forthcoming, I'm no longer interested. On to the next. When it ended I asked what day she was free and she gave me 2 or 3 options and we settled on Monday (tomorrow). So a day was picked although didn't specify an exact activity though I do have a few ideas and mentioned something outdoorsy which she seemed keen on. Just know when I confirm later today a time she'll bring out an excuse for a fade out (I'm just assuming based on this exact same way it's gone in the past, yes yes I'm jumping the gun). It's just the high interest to lack of interest that confuses me Why do woman do it. If I'm not interested in someone I won't go out of my way to show such levels of it.
angel.eyes Posted March 27, 2016 Posted March 27, 2016 Your negativity and sense of self-defeat perhaps? Generally, we get back what we put out in the world. 1
insert_name Posted March 27, 2016 Posted March 27, 2016 OLD is a tough hustle. You are fighting against their expectations of what you will be like in the flesh + anyone else they are juggling at the same time as they are speaking with you + any issues in their personal life, maybe an ex who is still in the picture. The bottom line is that there are so many potential factors at play that speculation is almost pointless and potentially harmful to one's self esteem. I've certainly been there, my experience from OLD has been a string of mostly first dates where they texted like they were keen as mustard to start with then after the date started slacking off. All you can really do is keep 'kicking tyres'. If you can, try and see each date as just a way of improving yourself by meeting someone new and improving your communication skills and general game. Each one you go through brings you closer to the one that will stick. 3
truth_seeker Posted March 27, 2016 Posted March 27, 2016 OLD is a tough hustle. You are fighting against their expectations of what you will be like in the flesh + anyone else they are juggling at the same time as they are speaking with you + any issues in their personal life, maybe an ex who is still in the picture. The bottom line is that there are so many potential factors at play that speculation is almost pointless and potentially harmful to one's self esteem. I've certainly been there, my experience from OLD has been a string of mostly first dates where they texted like they were keen as mustard to start with then after the date started slacking off. All you can really do is keep 'kicking tyres'. If you can, try and see each date as just a way of improving yourself by meeting someone new and improving your communication skills and general game. Each one you go through brings you closer to the one that will stick. I've been down this road myself... there have been times the build up was so good and exciting, when I got to the date it felt like a huge drop off in interest from both sides. I don't know why that is... I guess we get lost in fantasy and when reality sets in, that awesome feeling goes away.
ff12343 Posted March 27, 2016 Posted March 27, 2016 Try and see each date as just a way of improving yourself by meeting someone new and improving your communication skills and general game. Each one you go through brings you closer to the one that will stick. This is it. 2 thumbs up.
Author unbeknown Posted April 7, 2016 Author Posted April 7, 2016 If you can, try and see each date as just a way of improving yourself by meeting someone new and improving your communication skills and general game. Each one you go through brings you closer to the one that will stick. Definitely do this. I remember my first few online dates. Wow ha. I guess it's just the showing of interest that confuses the hell out of me. Probably shouldn't put so much thought on to it. I managed a second date in the end, she cancelled the first propised time due to meeting a friend who was off travelling, she suggested an alternative time so at least that was something. After a few hours when we could have parted ways having had a good date I checked my watch and asked if she needed to get back home to which she wanted to stay. Also ended with another kiss - her asking if I was free at all during the week when we suggested another date (unfortunately I'm working but we pencilled something in for the weekend). Yet once again the lack of interest she shows afterwards is even worse than before. Last night being the first time in the month or so of talking that she hasn't replied for a day. Yeah I know it's only a day but it's text book fade out stuff from my experiences as it's gone from texting everyday morning, afternoon, evening fizzling down to 1 short text around 11pm from her each day to this. Just annoys me as I would never do a fade out or show so much interest if I wasn't interested. No logic.
Kamille Posted April 7, 2016 Posted April 7, 2016 Well it could be that she's fading out. Or it could be that now you two have met, she prefers to keep the chat for actual dates. Some people are not big on texting. It could be that your communication styles are not a match. This isn't working for you. But if you're otherwise fine with the changed level of contact and still interested in seeing her, ask her out again. Until she says no, you can only assume she likes spending time with you. More generally though, about the signs of interest: while on a first date, I often find myself invested in making sure my date likes me, even if I don't know how I feel about him yet. So I will display interest because I know that makes men comfortable and more likely to open up. It also often improves the quality of the date. Finally, it makes it and more likely my date will like me and ask me out on a second date. 3
elaine567 Posted April 7, 2016 Posted April 7, 2016 So a day was picked although didn't specify an exact activity though I do have a few ideas and mentioned something outdoorsy which she seemed keen on. Of course she may just not be feeling it, I do not know what she is thinking. But many woman say they like outdoorsy, but for a woman trying to impress a man and for a woman where perfume and hair fixing is important, outdoorsy is most likely the last thing she wants as a second date. Sweaty, red in the face, make up running, hair a mess and unflattering outdoorsy clothes can be a nightmare for those women who like to look their best at all times. Personally if I were you I would stick to coffee or dinner with a stroll maybe for the first few dates until you get to know her better. Of course if she is normally hiking up a hill every weekend then great, but for some women outdoorsy may be a step too far. 1
Eternal Sunshine Posted April 7, 2016 Posted April 7, 2016 (edited) I think you are reading too much in the "signs of interest body language". As a woman, I will fidget and play with my hair if I am anxious or bored so it doesn't mean that I am interested. If I go to the bathroom, I will always brush my hair and apply some fresh lipstick regardless who I am out with. The only sign of intrest that I would display is a body language of trying to sit or position myself closer to the guy and finding ways to subtly touch him. But even that won't apply to naturally touchy-feely women. As for smiling and being talkative, that's just a common curteousy unless a guy has seriously misrepresented himself in the pics/profile. In the initial stages of dating, I really don't like too much texting. I am pretty busy so investing time in all day textaton with a guy that I just met doesn't appeal to me. I am often on the fence about a guy (and lets face it, OLD guys are complete strangers so it's extremely unusual for me to feel that into them). I would prefer a guy to clearly set the next date with minimal chit chat. Then get to know each other in person and let the connection develop more organically. I also really dislike it when a guy double or tripple texts me. Try to go for 1-1 ratio. This is especially true if a guy is asking generic and boring questions such as "how was your morning?" followed by "how was your afternoon?". If you must text a lot, tell me a funny anectedote that doesn't need a reply. Women will engage if they are interested, you don't need to ask a question. Show some initiave by planning a date rather then saying "what do you want to do?". If I have two prospects that I am meh about, I will go for one that sauggests a more fun date (note: doesn't have to include money at all, it can be a picnic or walk on the beach). Keep your expectations of every date very low. It's common for men to over-estimate woman's interest so you are not alone Forgot to say: try to stay away from blatant conversation fillers on dates. If there is a lull in conversation and the guy asks stuff like "what's the most romantic thing you have ever done?" etc, I automatically get the "job interview" vibe and go on auto pilot. Don't be despaarate to fill every silence. You can't force a connection. Edited April 7, 2016 by Eternal Sunshine 3
Jejangles Posted April 7, 2016 Posted April 7, 2016 In the initial stages of dating, I really don't like too much texting. I am pretty busy so investing time in all day textaton with a guy that I just met doesn't appeal to me. I am often on the fence about a guy (and lets face it, OLD guys are complete strangers so it's extremely unusual for me to feel that into them). I would prefer a guy to clearly set the next date with minimal chit chat. Then get to know each other in person and let the connection develop more organically. Agreed, in early dating I like to keep the texting for quick check ins and setting up the next date. As long as we know when we are seeing each other next, I'm then happy to not talk again until the day before or day of the date. Now there's some guys I had great text chemistry with, but they were rare and frankly that great text chemistry often didn't translate in person. As a result I don't really care what our text chemistry is like, I just care about our in person interactions. 3
kismetkismet Posted April 7, 2016 Posted April 7, 2016 Like others have said, there's definitely a possibility that she's more in the "well we can just see each other to get to know each other more rather than text" category. I would definitely be upfront with asking for a second date again and see where it goes. However, I do think that it can sometimes be difficult to know whether or not someone is interested straight off the bat if they're a nice people pleaser sort of person. Just because she's not sure that she's interested doesn't mean she wants to write it off entirely without having time to think about it - hence the hair and perfume. Women are very aware of how they're coming off usually, more so than men from my experience, so they are more able to keep up an agreeable and amicable rapport without letting on that they've checked out or aren't sure. Letting on that you don't like someone is awkward for everyone. I know that for me personally there have a been a couple of times when i've gone on a date with someone and really wasn't sure how I felt about it until I had a bit of time to think. However I wouldn't have gone out of my way to suggest anything, but would have agreed with the other person if they asked about a second date and that sort of thing. 1
lino Posted April 8, 2016 Posted April 8, 2016 Other guys. 10 characters. The only relevant response in this topic.
Eternal Sunshine Posted April 8, 2016 Posted April 8, 2016 The only relevant response in this topic. You would be suprised how little it has to do with other guys. Most often I end up picking a night on the couch over a guy that I am not that into. 1
Eternal Sunshine Posted April 8, 2016 Posted April 8, 2016 Agreed, in early dating I like to keep the texting for quick check ins and setting up the next date. As long as we know when we are seeing each other next, I'm then happy to not talk again until the day before or day of the date. Now there's some guys I had great text chemistry with, but they were rare and frankly that great text chemistry often didn't translate in person. As a result I don't really care what our text chemistry is like, I just care about our in person interactions. Agh!! Generic texting is so tedious and tiring. I have been seeing a guy for a few weeks and we are doing a dinner and a movie tomorrow night. We texted today to agree when he will pick me up and the details. It was done and we both said we are looking forward to it. Then 2 hours later, same text as every single day: how is your day? Then I feel rude not to reply but why the robotic exhange where I always say "good. just going home from work"???? Leave that stuff for when we get closer... I sometimes feel that I would be willing to give guys a chance if I am not that interested if they didn't push me so much early on. This guy is always asking me to send him selfies (non-sexual) and I just don't feel that type of excitment for him yet. I am willing to try but he needs to read my signals and slow it down...I have never even sent him a selfie and he keeps at it all the time. 1
Author unbeknown Posted April 8, 2016 Author Posted April 8, 2016 Thanks for the replies all. As confirmed...... Sent her a text yesterday to confirm the plans for this weekend and as predicted today "sorry can't make this weekend now after all blah blah. Loved getting to know you but don't think there was a spark there, would be nice to stay friends though". Back to the drawing board again
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