Jabron1 Posted March 29, 2016 Posted March 29, 2016 OP, what are are you looking for exactly? Stories that will make you feel better about the possibilities of a casual relationship becoming serious? Or casual relationships that lasted for a long time without exclusivity? Just a bit confused about this thread.
Swytch Posted March 29, 2016 Posted March 29, 2016 My friend is seeing a guy who has told her "this will never be serious" because she is moving in 3 months. But they have already been sleeping with each other and going to dinner and all that jazz. She has decided to continue to see him because she is hoping he'll change his mind. And I dated a guy who told me he doesn't want a relationship. But he still contacts me and wants me to do things with him. It's painful because i DO want to see him but I know i'll get hurt because I feel i'd be foolish to continue to see him after he clearly said he doesn't want a relationship. but i wonder how common it is these days - it seems like guys always say that (at least in my friend's case!) I am not trying to convince myself to go for it... but i am wondering if there are ANY guys any more who DO want something serious... and I am wondering what is the point of dating someone casually.... I don't think i've ever felt casual about anybody i've actually LIKED. i mean if i was casual, it was because I wasn't all that into the guy. Then i get REALLY confused when the guy for example, after i tell them i am disappointed because I really liked them, and then they don't respond and I cry myself to sleep, only for them to keep following me around the next time I see them a few nights later and stare at me when i am trying to ignore them, and I could not figure out why he kept staring at me and then how he could actually feel sad when i would not give him the time of day after HE REJECTED ME. (this happened to me.) Am i being too rigid by attempting to make myself move on when a guy says he doesn't want anything serious / a relationship (even though it's a struggle for me to actually do it)? Should I "go with the flow" like my friend is doing? doesn't anybody just "see where it goes" anymore? sorry for the rant. There are many men who want serious relationships, but it has to be at the right time in his life (and hers), and with the right girl for him. Everything must align, I think. While I try to focus on serious relationships, I understand casual relationships, at least from my perspective: If I feel strong lust for a man, but for some reason things cannot be forever, I may have sex just for the memory of being held by him, even if only once. It can leave you tired and bitter, or with the aftertaste of something sweet. This depends on many factors.
stillafool Posted March 29, 2016 Posted March 29, 2016 I agree, which is why i said the same exact thing from the beginning of this thread. Let's hear some of these stories you have of it not working well. You said you've never seen it work well personally.....let's hear those juicy details. You can put FWB in LS's search engine and tons of stories will come up about FWB relationships that turned sour. The problem I see is with FWB the men have it good because they can have 5 FWBs and no commitment. The women think they can handle sex with no commitment but they always end up falling in love with the guy and he is not to blame because he has already said he only wanted a FWB. Sooner or later the guy does get into a serious relationship but usually not with one of his FWBs. 1
AMJ Posted March 29, 2016 Posted March 29, 2016 Yes I did. You expressed hurt and pain caused by the feelings of dating guys who wanted casual, and how you think about it constantly. Doesn't sound to me like you never date guys who want casual. If a guy wants casual, you either accept that and stop making it about you or you say no thanks, I'm looking for long term. I don't think that's a very fair comment. It's like saying that a woman looking to settled down and have kids is just after a sperm donor, or that a middle aged guy wanting marriage is looking for free aged care down the line. Not everyone is looking for a relationship for life anymore. Some of us have been there and realised it's not all that. I don't mean to pick on you joseb, but I'm wondering if you can explain your idea of dating casual. For me, the words dating and casual are contradictory. Because I think the devil is in the details, and that's what causes so many people grief in these situations. When I hear the stories of burned women, I think, did the guy lay out his intentions honestly and clearly? Did he actually say- hey let's go out, spend time together and act like a couple, sleep together, etc, for however long we seem to keep enjoying each other....and by the way, don't be mad when I'm doing the same thing with one or two other women. Also I hope you don't mind, in about three months when I decide to call it quits for no particular reason, other than I'm not excited by you anymore. OR is it more like- Hey, you're hot and we should hook up whenever we both happen to mutually agree to do so and then have no other expectations for each other in terms of a relationship, ever. Also, clearly don't mind that I'm hooking up with one or two or four other women who I'm also not too invested in. Don't let that bother you, either. In either case, do women really that often enter into this arrangement willingly? I never have, and I've never known anyone who has. I've yet to know anyone who had a casual relationship that ended well or was worthwhile, so I'm genuinely curious. 1
stillafool Posted March 29, 2016 Posted March 29, 2016 In either case, do women really that often enter into this arrangement willingly? Yes they are called FWB relationships.
getwithit Posted March 29, 2016 Posted March 29, 2016 ah, Yeah i can definitely see women lying to themselves and the guy about what they really truly want. So i chatted with my friend today and she was saying how she is going to hang out with the guy again - the one who said it's not going anywhere - and how they saw each other on friday. She is already hurting from what he said, but at the same time i have to admit it sure would be nice to spend time with a man, even if it wasn't going anywhere, you know what I mean? it's sort of like, akin to eating junk food, it sure tastes good in the short-term but it'll hurt later and it's not nutritious. something like that. If I became more spiritual and in the moment, perhaps i could appreciate every moment. but maybe i'm not quite there yet. It's hard for me to not have those expectations because i'm getting older and need to get serious :-) I know that at certain times (like when i lived in a different city for the summer, for example) i was able to have a short term romance, so it's not like it's NEVER happened to me. but I do know what you're saying Jose about how some people ARE just looking for casual - that's definitely true - but i have to tell you, from what i know about women generally - MORE often than not, we want something more. It's not that common to meet a devil-may-care girl who wants a short-term casual thing. But I think i am just like dense or something - because i remember one time i went out with a guy who made it clear he didn't want a relationship and yet when we went out he was making promises about what would happen in the future - not LONG term future, but like short term future . i was really confused because I didn't equate "don't want a relationship" with seeing him beyond that date. Then when he contacted me, i wasn't very responsive and i inadvertantly made him feel rejected. So yeah, that's the sort of thing that happens to me- i'm an idiot. sort of works itself out though - if i'm not looking for casual it nips itself in the bud ok sorry, i am rambling. Thanks for your post I think I get what you're looking for OP. And I'll try to explain my thoughts behind it using a personal story. I'm currently in love with a girl that is in a relationship. They've dated 1.5 years and there is no immediate end in sight. She loves him but also questions the long term potential of the match. We have had very intimate moments together where she has confessed her feelings towards me but is completely confused with how to handle them. She has also told her friends and my friends about how she feels about me. Being in my situation is absolutely heart wrenching. Every day I suffer both mentally and physically. I go from the highest of highs to the lowest of lows. Part of me knows that all I have to do is let go and I will be happy. But another part of me knows that if I hang on tight that there may be that "light at the end of the tunnel". But why can't I hold on AND not feel any pain? That makes me wonder if there is some spiritual or personal discovery that I need to make within myself. Why can't I love without reciprocation? Like I do with a family member of best friend. Why do I need the constant reassurance that she loves me back. Logically it seems that it's the insecurities that is keeping me unhappy in the situation AND NOT the fact that the person I'm in love with doesn't love me fully back. I think that you are wanting to be in these relationships but also happy. Deep down you know that if you develop feelings for a person who is only looking for "casual" that you will get hurt. But I think you need to look deep down into yourself and figure out WHY you will get hurt in these situations. Why can't you enjoy the moment of being with these people but have no expectations? If these relationships flourish, they flourish. If they fade out, they fade out. Life is about living in the present. Not overthinking and not putting labels of "shoulds" and "norms" to free flowing, beautiful and unique human relationships. All of this is purely theoretical and the fact that people get hurt in these situations is normal. But I'm all for opening my mind up to the potential and possibilities of things not being black or white all the time. It takes effort but I truly believe we can change. 1
Swytch Posted March 29, 2016 Posted March 29, 2016 I don't mean to pick on you joseb, but I'm wondering if you can explain your idea of dating casual. For me, the words dating and casual are contradictory. Because I think the devil is in the details, and that's what causes so many people grief in these situations. When I hear the stories of burned women, I think, did the guy lay out his intentions honestly and clearly? Did he actually say- hey let's go out, spend time together and act like a couple, sleep together, etc, for however long we seem to keep enjoying each other....and by the way, don't be mad when I'm doing the same thing with one or two other women. Also I hope you don't mind, in about three months when I decide to call it quits for no particular reason, other than I'm not excited by you anymore. OR is it more like- Hey, you're hot and we should hook up whenever we both happen to mutually agree to do so and then have no other expectations for each other in terms of a relationship, ever. Also, clearly don't mind that I'm hooking up with one or two or four other women who I'm also not too invested in. Don't let that bother you, either. In either case, do women really that often enter into this arrangement willingly? I never have, and I've never known anyone who has. I've yet to know anyone who had a casual relationship that ended well or was worthwhile, so I'm genuinely curious. I know that this was not directed at me, however, I wanted to say that I have a few times. I think that if you have the right conditions, it can leave you with a pleasant afterglow. However, it can easily scar you as well. I have experienced both. I will describe one instance of a one-nighter which actually makes me happy every time I think about it, even though it was while ago now (not in gory detail, but the general qualities that made it work): The man was quite honest with me about what he wanted and did not want, firstly, but not in a callous way. And I did not make any plot to change his mind, I accepted that these were the terms of the experience. Secondly, he was easily one of the most physically attractive men I have seen in all my life. This may speak to my low self-esteem, but I had no illusions about having any ability to keep a man of his caliber, and was honestly grateful just to be there. It was seriously like a young Brad Pitt had picked me up, but better. Thirdly, he was very good with making sure I was comfortable, and pleased me before himself. There was good food and memorable conversation. I think it is possible for women to have a blast with it, but it must be a fantastic experience for her, and she must appreciate its fleeting nature. Other women may differ, but that is how it worked for me.
Jabron1 Posted March 29, 2016 Posted March 29, 2016 I'm not Joseb, but I'll give you my view. I would also like to hear his. I don't mean to pick on you joseb, but I'm wondering if you can explain your idea of dating casual. For me, the words dating and casual are contradictory. Going out, having fun, and getting laid. I don't understand how anyone would find that contradictory. 'Dating' is casual. When I'm in a relationship with someone, I don't consider that 'dating'. I think, did the guy lay out his intentions honestly and clearly? Nobody lays out their intentions 'honestly and clearly'. And I don't think it's fair minded to expect the responsibility of this to fall on men's shoulders. In either case, do women really that often enter into this arrangement willingly? I never have, and I've never known anyone who has Come on... You've never had reoccurring sex with a guy outside of strict 'exclusive' monogamy before? What do you mean by willingly? I've yet to know anyone who had a casual relationship that ended well or was worthwhile, so I'm genuinely curious. I don't think I've ever actually looked for a long term relationship in my life. All of them have started from a 'let's see where this goes' attitude. 3
ASG Posted March 29, 2016 Posted March 29, 2016 ah, Yeah i can definitely see women lying to themselves and the guy about what they really truly want. So i chatted with my friend today and she was saying how she is going to hang out with the guy again - the one who said it's not going anywhere - and how they saw each other on friday. She is already hurting from what he said, but at the same time i have to admit it sure would be nice to spend time with a man, even if it wasn't going anywhere, you know what I mean? it's sort of like, akin to eating junk food, it sure tastes good in the short-term but it'll hurt later and it's not nutritious. something like that. If I became more spiritual and in the moment, perhaps i could appreciate every moment. but maybe i'm not quite there yet. It's hard for me to not have those expectations because i'm getting older and need to get serious :-) I have had the same FWB for over a year. I know it's not going anywhere. I would kinda like him to change his mind, as I quite like him, but I'm under no illusions that it's gonna happen (and honestly, even if he did, I'm not sure what the long term potencial would be, as I don't think we share the same life goals). So even though I keep on seeing him and hanging out with him, I also keep myself peeled for other guys, as I'd quite like to have something more serious and settle down. But while it doesn't happen, I'd rather have some companionship and sex than none at all. 1
Author HansonGirl Posted March 30, 2016 Author Posted March 30, 2016 OP, what are are you looking for exactly? Stories that will make you feel better about the possibilities of a casual relationship becoming serious? Or casual relationships that lasted for a long time without exclusivity? Just a bit confused about this thread. no - just the opposite I am looking for stories where someone dated someone like that but they wanted more and the relationship crashed and burned in their face. Basically I want to feel like I am making the right decision because I feel like it goes against the grain sometimes because I am sacrificing short-term cuddling to hold it out for a keeper, so i want to make sure I am doing the right thing. I want confirmation basically. lol I thought my stance was clear on this issue. ps i guess i'd accept other stories too, I generally like to have as many real life examples as possible - but generally i am looking for the stories where the girl got screwed over (or FELT screwed over because the guy was being honest, but she wasn't listening)
Author HansonGirl Posted March 30, 2016 Author Posted March 30, 2016 (edited) I don't think I've ever actually looked for a long term relationship in my life. All of them have started from a 'let's see where this goes' attitude. Thank you Jabron for sharing this. But i want to clarify for the benefit of everyone reading this thread that I SPECIFICALLY was referring to situations where the man or woman says at the beginning (or any point) it is NOT going anywhere or that he is NOT looking for a relationship - i am not talking about "let's see where this goes" situations. because jabron, i am like you - that's my attitude too. But if i encounter a person who says hey, I do NOT want a relationship. I'm thinking, ok, so game over? like what are you saying, you don't like me? to me it stops it dead in its track. i am all about the "let's see where it goes" - because you're being open minded. I also want to make it clear i RESPECT that a person is being honest upfront if they say it's definitely not going anywhere and he does not want a relationship - that doesn't mean though that I personally don't feel a bit hurt upon hearing that! just means it must end - for me at least. and to add to my previous post (directly above this one) - i have (sadly) encountered this more than once, and maybe it's not as common as i think it is - the fact that it has happened to me more than once really has made me question what is it about me that is so BAD that men need to inform me right away they don't want me, yet they are ok with having sex with me. i gotta admit it does start to affect my self-esteem. I must be doing something wrong or being attracted to the wrong people. so to tie that previous post into this one - again - just talking about situations in which the person straight-forwardly says it's not gonna be serious Edited March 30, 2016 by HansonGirl
mortensorchid Posted March 30, 2016 Posted March 30, 2016 I have asked myself these questions at more times than I care to think about. I've been off and on with a few of these for the last two/three years. What can I say? I am rotating them, as I know they are rotating me among other women I don't know about (as in I have never met any of them, but I know they exist). None of them are going to commit to me for different reasons. But I still see them. Why? Because they world's full of lonely people. Decide if this is how you want to live or not. It's better than nothing.
Daisy-oliviaWentcher Posted March 30, 2016 Posted March 30, 2016 I've been with a guy that wanted casual. As soon as I decided " No thank you" the guy went stalkerrish/ psycho. Blowing up my phone, demanding sex etc.. harassing me of FB It's the "want what I can't have" thing and if " I can't have you, then none can". Those men are dangerous. I don't do casual anymore, no matter how badly I would want it, because essentially I am settling for less than I want and less than I deserve if I do. And most of those guys are creeps. Even if you like the guy and if they don't like you, they have no emotional connection with you and can throw you away like a bit of chewing gum. I would RUN. Casual in my opinion was my version of " I have given up on true love." 2
Author HansonGirl Posted March 30, 2016 Author Posted March 30, 2016 I've been with a guy that wanted casual. As soon as I decided " No thank you" the guy went stalkerrish/ psycho. Blowing up my phone, demanding sex etc.. harassing me of FB It's the "want what I can't have" thing and if " I can't have you, then none can". Those men are dangerous. I don't do casual anymore, no matter how badly I would want it, because essentially I am settling for less than I want and less than I deserve if I do. And most of those guys are creeps. Even if you like the guy and if they don't like you, they have no emotional connection with you and can throw you away like a bit of chewing gum. I would RUN. Casual in my opinion was my version of " I have given up on true love." omg, read my other thread i just started - i think i met this guy!!! lol, seriously
faithfully Posted March 30, 2016 Posted March 30, 2016 I've been with a guy that wanted casual. As soon as I decided " No thank you" the guy went stalkerrish/ psycho. Blowing up my phone, demanding sex etc.. harassing me of FB It's the "want what I can't have" thing and if " I can't have you, then none can". Those men are dangerous. I don't do casual anymore, no matter how badly I would want it, because essentially I am settling for less than I want and less than I deserve if I do. And most of those guys are creeps. Even if you like the guy and if they don't like you, they have no emotional connection with you and can throw you away like a bit of chewing gum. I would RUN. Casual in my opinion was my version of " I have given up on true love." Amen on the last sentence I agree 100000% All I can say is please don't do it hansongirl it hurts like crazy bring thrown away like a chewing gum. It does damage your self esteem thinking you're not good for a relationship!!! I learnt the hard way but I'm over my ex fwb now, if he ever tries getting in touch, I would tell him to go and suck on a pig lol
despgirl Posted March 30, 2016 Posted March 30, 2016 I have a story like that! Dated my ex casually and after 2 months he admitted he wasn't in love with me and probably never will be. So I ended it. You are doing the right thing by not agreeing to such an arrangement
Saracena Posted March 30, 2016 Posted March 30, 2016 I posted the following on a different thread but it's also, if not more so, relevant here. The exception rather than the rule but here goes anyway- Actually, I had one (casual for both in the beginning as I hadn't yet qualified so not looking for anything serious and although I was attracted to him and he ticked a lot of the right boxes hadn't strong feelings for the him) which began like this, and ended with him, what I can only describe as all of a sudden, getting far more serious and wanting to get engaged! I can only liken it to a switch flipping somewhere in his brain where he realised he was really smitten with me! Although we did have periods apart when I was away at uni, this revelation came about following a time when I was away from home the longest. So I think there is something thing to be said about absence! I should add he was about 6 years older and because it was casual I had never slept with him!
elaine567 Posted March 30, 2016 Posted March 30, 2016 It is all about mindset and some women do have the right mindset for FWBs, but some do not. Some women do just want casual sex and it is often best if the man is NOT really LTR material, so any feelings quickly get quashed when she remembers he is just a waster... Some don't have the right mindset, but get involved anyway. That is because either their ego is too small, so they will accept crumbs, as that is all they believe they deserve, or their ego is too big, in that they assume that this man will fall in love with them as they are just too freaking awesome for him to not get totally enamoured. Both types tend to get burned.
Jabron1 Posted March 30, 2016 Posted March 30, 2016 Some women do just want casual sex and it is often best if the man is NOT really LTR material, so any feelings quickly get quashed when she remembers he is just a waster... Clever girl... It's the 21st century, and providers aren't respected anymore. Women make providers 'wait' - whilst they reward ars*holes with quick/hot sex. If you reward bad behaviour with sex, it encourages it. There is absolutely no motivation at all for me to change my behaviour. I'll admit that
LydiaLong Posted March 30, 2016 Posted March 30, 2016 I was divorced in 1988 and I remained single for 14 years. I always maintained that I would NEVER marry again. And then....BAM...I met the man of my dreams. It can happen. Don't give up hope for finding someone who is perfect.
elaine567 Posted March 30, 2016 Posted March 30, 2016 Clever girl... It's the 21st century, and providers aren't respected anymore. Women make providers 'wait' - whilst they reward ars*holes with quick/hot sex. If you reward bad behaviour with sex, it encourages it. There is absolutely no motivation at all for me to change my behaviour. I'll admit that BUT women who want and are suited to FWB relationships, are not looking for "providers", so you cannot make sweeping generalisations about women in general, based on the few who just want NSA sex. Many women are NOT ever looking for "bad boy" sex, so this concept of bad boys get all the fun and the "beta providers" are just losers, is rubbish and is often used to justify treating women badly. 2
Jabron1 Posted March 30, 2016 Posted March 30, 2016 BUT women who want and are suited to FWB relationships, are not looking for "providers", so you cannot make sweeping generalisations about women in general, based on the few who just want NSA sex. Many women are NOT ever looking for "bad boy" sex, so this concept of bad boys get all the fun and the "beta providers" are just losers, is rubbish and is often used to justify treating women badly. You read it on here all the time, the strategy women have of making certain men 'wait'. My opinion is that it's a bad strategy. It punishes these guys for being relationship material. Nothing I say is really going to change anything though . Just an opinion. 1
Swytch Posted March 30, 2016 Posted March 30, 2016 You read it on here all the time, the strategy women have of making certain men 'wait'. My opinion is that it's a bad strategy. It punishes these guys for being relationship material. Nothing I say is really going to change anything though . Just an opinion. What strategy do you suggest, then? Genuinely curious to hear another viewpoint here. I think this problem would disappear if men who are looking for long-term relationships did not judge women who slept with them "too soon" negatively, and were honest about their intentions. So I think it's important to admit that men contribute to this problem at least by 50%. 1
Jabron1 Posted March 30, 2016 Posted March 30, 2016 (edited) What strategy do you suggest, then? Not playing that game. I don't think it's fair on 'nice guys' at all. There was a guy on here recently who had a woman make him 'wait' for over a year, was obviously messing him around, and was still giving him blue balls. He 'respected her boundaries' I think this problem would disappear if men who are looking for long-term relationships did not judge women who slept with them "too soon" negatively, and were honest about their intentions. So I think it's important to admit that men contribute to this problem at least by 50%. You sleep with a guy and he disappears? You've just filtered an idiot. Think it's a big investment having sex? As a man, I make the approach; I plan and pay for dates; and I take responsibility for making sex happen, and making it good. We all have to invest I'm not saying have sex with everyone on the first date. But a woman not sleeping with a man within 3 to 5 dates needs to let him go and find another woman that will be more into him. Edited March 30, 2016 by Jabron1
ly399 Posted March 30, 2016 Posted March 30, 2016 I mean HOW could a girl continue to date someone who says that to her? HOW? doesn't she feel miserable the entire time? when I was younger (early 20s) I thought the same thing, and threw fits on the guy who only wants to do casual. as I get older, being in couple relationships, I'm more ok with the format. I still prefer people who look for serious, but I wont shoot down the idea of casual if I really have a chemistry with the guy
Recommended Posts