know anybody to continue to see someone "casually"?

March 26, 2016

My friend is seeing a guy who has told her "this will never be serious" because she is moving in 3 months. But they have already been sleeping with each other and going to dinner and all that jazz. She has decided to continue to see him because she is hoping he'll change his mind.

And I dated a guy who told me he doesn't want a relationship. But he still contacts me and wants me to do things with him. It's painful because i DO want to see him but I know i'll get hurt because I feel i'd be foolish to continue to see him after he clearly said he doesn't want a relationship.

but i wonder how common it is these days - it seems like guys always say that (at least in my friend's case!) I am not trying to convince myself to go for it... but i am wondering if there are ANY guys any more who DO want something serious... and I am wondering what is the point of dating someone casually.... I don't think i've ever felt casual about anybody i've actually LIKED. i mean if i was casual, it was because I wasn't all that into the guy.

Then i get REALLY confused when the guy for example, after i tell them i am disappointed because I really liked them, and then they don't respond and I cry myself to sleep, only for them to keep following me around the next time I see them a few nights later and stare at me when i am trying to ignore them, and I could not figure out why he kept staring at me and then how he could actually feel sad when i would not give him the time of day after HE REJECTED ME. (this happened to me.)

Am i being too rigid by attempting to make myself move on when a guy says he doesn't want anything serious / a relationship (even though it's a struggle for me to actually do it)? Should I "go with the flow" like my friend is doing?

doesn't anybody just "see where it goes" anymore?

sorry for the rant.

March 27, 2016

Only you can decided that.

If you go with the flow, you will get hurt. Do be prepared for it. He already stated it won't go anywhere.

Ghost and move on, plenty of men out there

March 27, 2016

My friend is seeing a guy who has told her "this will never be serious" because she is moving in 3 months. But they have already been sleeping with each other and going to dinner and all that jazz. She has decided to continue to see him because she is hoping he'll change his mind.

And I dated a guy who told me he doesn't want a relationship. But he still contacts me and wants me to do things with him. It's painful because i DO want to see him but I know i'll get hurt because I feel i'd be foolish to continue to see him after he clearly said he doesn't want a relationship.

but i wonder how common it is these days - it seems like guys always say that (at least in my friend's case!) I am not trying to convince myself to go for it... but i am wondering if there are ANY guys any more who DO want something serious... and I am wondering what is the point of dating someone casually.... I don't think i've ever felt casual about anybody i've actually LIKED. i mean if i was casual, it was because I wasn't all that into the guy.

Then i get REALLY confused when the guy for example, after i tell them i am disappointed because I really liked them, and then they don't respond and I cry myself to sleep, only for them to keep following me around the next time I see them a few nights later and stare at me when i am trying to ignore them, and I could not figure out why he kept staring at me and then how he could actually feel sad when i would not give him the time of day after HE REJECTED ME. (this happened to me.)

Am i being too rigid by attempting to make myself move on when a guy says he doesn't want anything serious / a relationship (even though it's a struggle for me to actually do it)? Should I "go with the flow" like my friend is doing?
doesn't anybody just "see where it goes" anymore?

sorry for the rant.

Both cases the guy has said, in one way or another, THIS IS NOT GOING TO GET SERIOUS. If you and your friend choose to not listen and think you can 'change' them, then you only have yourselves to blame for any pain you might have to go through in regards to these guys.

When someone tells you something, believe what they say. No, you can't change someone, you can't be that one special person who will make them come around. If someone tells you something like this and it's not what you want, accept it, thank them for their honesty, and move along.

March 27, 2016

Both cases the guy has said, in one way or another, THIS IS NOT GOING TO GET SERIOUS. If you and your friend choose to not listen and think you can 'change' them, then you only have yourselves to blame for any pain you might have to go through in regards to these guys.

When someone tells you something, believe what they say. No, you can't change someone, you can't be that one special person who will make them come around. If someone tells you something like this and it's not what you want, accept it, thank them for their honesty, and move along.

yeah that's what I was planning on doing. I am settled in this decision for MYSELF. However i am posing the question to see what other people have done and get others' experiences. Partly to make myself feel better in my decision, and partly to get an idea of what the dating world is like these days. Seems like I have come across a few guys like this. before this, i went on a date with a guy who I just wasn't interested in at all, and even that guy attempted to have a casual thing - I wasn't remotely interested in him one way or another, so it was cool to experience that from a totally neutral position. But it's much much more difficult when you are actually INTO the guy! I am pretty proud of myself with this current guy i must say

so anybody else have any experiences with this? or know anybody with this? ARE there any guys out there who want an actual relationship?

Edited March 27, 2016 by HansonGirl

March 27, 2016

This is kind of reverse psychology but, just reply... "yeah, I'm not looking for anything that is NOT serious." If it is worth it, he will jokingly change his mind and chase after you. If he doesn't, move on and stop worrying about it.

March 27, 2016

Of course there are men who want real, lasting relationships. There's no need to settle for uncomfortable FWB situations just because other people around you are doing the same.

When someone wants to be with you, you'll know. You won't sit around wondering or worrying if they like you. If someone doesn't want to make you a priority they aren't worth your time. Don't waste your youth and energy on people who won't care for you the way you care for them (that goes for friends too, not just boys!).

March 27, 2016

yeah, I am just so COGNIZANT of how much it makes me feel like crap. I don't know how i could continue to interact with this person and have a "relationship" (or whatever) while being aware of how bad it makes me feel. Maybe I am overly sensitive but I can't go along with something like that without THINKING about it constantly and how it hurts my feelings. the only way i guess I could continue something like that without letting my hurt feelings get in the way is if i was absolutely 100% ok with it going nowhere.

I know there are no guarantees in life, even if the guy IS looking for a real relationship, but when the guy says from the get-go, it's going nowhere, ouch, it's just particularly depressing to me. I suppose part of why i am wondering about this topic is that maybe perhaps the guy HASN'T told them up front... I mean HOW could a girl continue to date someone who says that to her? HOW? doesn't she feel miserable the entire time?

March 27, 2016

Well then don't date guys looking for casual.

Problem solved.

March 27, 2016

Well then don't date guys looking for casual.
Problem solved.

Well duh. I don't. Not to be rude but did you read the thread? let's stay focused here.

March 27, 2016

Well duh. I don't. Not to be rude but did you read the thread? let's stay focused here.

Yes I did. You expressed hurt and pain caused by the feelings of dating guys who wanted casual, and how you think about it constantly. Doesn't sound to me like you never date guys who want casual.

If a guy wants casual, you either accept that and stop making it about you or you say no thanks, I'm looking for long term.

Edited March 27, 2016 by joseb

March 27, 2016

Yes I did. You expressed hurt and pain caused by the feelings of dating guys who wanted casual, and how you think about it constantly. Doesn't sound to me like you never date guys who want casual.
If a guy wants casual, you either accept that and stop making it about you or you say no thanks, I'm looking for long term.

LOL, no. I was NOT saying that i currently think about it constantly. I was saying IF I were to be dating someone like that or if i were to like go along with it i WOULD be thinking about it constantly. Sorry if i didnt use the right verb tense or whatever. But i was saying - IF that was the case, that's how i'd feel and I was expressing how i cannot understand how someone could go along with it and not feel emotional anguish like I would feel.

the answer I was hoping for would begin as follows "I had a friend who..." or "yes once i started seeing a guy/gal who..." rather than " you need to do..."

I just reread my posts and Yeah i see what you're saying - I used the wrong phrasing - I recently decided to not see someone who made it clear they want casual - but basically the gist of what I was saying (hopefully this will clear it up) is that the REASON i cannot go along with it and continue dating someone who expresses that it's not going anywhere is because I am a very sensitive person who would be constatntly be feeling rejected and hurt every time i talked to the person. that's why i cannot do it. so frankly I am wondering how anybody could do it if a guy (or girl) says that to them!

So I APOLOGIZE Jose!!!!

Edited March 27, 2016 by HansonGirl

March 27, 2016

When someone says they don't want a relationship, believe them. It is wise to walk away if you really like them and can see yourself falling for them, as feeding that attraction by hanging out, going out, sleeping together will only be awful in the end and most times people don't change their minds about it.

It's one thing if everyone is honest and are genuinely happy being casual but makes no sense if you are pretending to be casual with an ulterior motive to change their minds. I have never seen that work well personally.

March 27, 2016

When someone says they don't want a relationship, believe them. It is wise to walk away if you really like them and can see yourself falling for them, as feeding that attraction by hanging out, going out, sleeping together will only be awful in the end and most times people don't change their minds about it.

It's one thing if everyone is honest and are genuinely happy being casual but makes no sense if you are pretending to be casual with an ulterior motive to change their minds. I have never seen that work well personally.

I agree, which is why i said the same exact thing from the beginning of this thread. Let's hear some of these stories you have of it not working well. You said you've never seen it work well personally.....let's hear those juicy details.

March 27, 2016

Hi,

I read your post and I sense you want stories of how it doesn't work, well I'm an example of how relationship like this doesn't work out.

Been single for 3 years, thought I didn't want a relationship, actually I told him I didn't and he told me he didn't, I thought great. First few months fantastic, actually great. The more time I started seeing this guy, hooking up, sleeping together, hanging out, the more I started having feelings, I couldn't control it no matter how much I tried, I tried dropping hints about relationship, told him I liked him but he just brushed it off like nothing, the more he was pulling away, I was pulling towards him, treating him extra nice so he would change his mind but he didn't. He rejected me to my face, was very hard to swallow, he downgrade me from fwb to just being friend, we stopped having sex as he said it was causing too much complications stupid me excepted because I still had strong feelings and didn't want to lose him at all.

One night we decided to go out, me and him to a club, I got very very drunk and lashed out, all my feelings and anger came out and told him what I thought of him, it wasn't very nice. We fell out and don't talk now, I've lost him completely, it's now 3 weeks of absolute NC not seen him for 5 weeks and all this happened recently not many years ago.

What I'm saying is I should have walked away and never looked back when he rejected me, told me he wasn't ready for a relationship, so yeah arrangement like this doesn't work especially if you're the one that has feelings or like someone and the other is not too sure or doesn't want that. It hurts like mad.

Hope this helps a little

March 27, 2016

I recently decided to not see someone who made it clear they want casual - but basically the gist of what I was saying (hopefully this will clear it up) is that the REASON i cannot go along with it and continue dating someone who expresses that it's not going anywhere is because I am a very sensitive person who would be constatntly be feeling rejected and hurt every time i talked to the person. that's why i cannot do it. so frankly I am wondering how anybody could do it if a guy (or girl) says that to them!

I think your feelings are pretty typical. You are looking for a serious relationship so would be unhappy with someone looking for casual.

Not everyone is looking for that though. For whatever reason (just out of a serious ltr, too many bad ltr experiences, just want to be single, etc) some people really just want casual at some periods of their lives. I'm one of them.

I've had a couple of girls agree to see me and then turn around and act pissy a few weeks later when they started talking long term and I wasn't interested. It's frustrating as I was up front from the start.

It's good that you know yourself well enough to realise that this would not work for you

March 28, 2016

I think your feelings are pretty typical. You are looking for a serious relationship so would be unhappy with someone looking for casual.
Not everyone is looking for that though. For whatever reason (just out of a serious ltr, too many bad ltr experiences, just want to be single, etc) some people really just want casual at some periods of their lives. I'm one of them.

I've had a couple of girls agree to see me and then turn around and act pissy a few weeks later when they started talking long term and I wasn't interested. It's frustrating as I was up front from the start.

It's good that you know yourself well enough to realise that this would not work for you

ah, Yeah i can definitely see women lying to themselves and the guy about what they really truly want. So i chatted with my friend today and she was saying how she is going to hang out with the guy again - the one who said it's not going anywhere - and how they saw each other on friday. She is already hurting from what he said, but at the same time i have to admit it sure would be nice to spend time with a man, even if it wasn't going anywhere, you know what I mean? it's sort of like, akin to eating junk food, it sure tastes good in the short-term but it'll hurt later and it's not nutritious. something like that. If I became more spiritual and in the moment, perhaps i could appreciate every moment. but maybe i'm not quite there yet. It's hard for me to not have those expectations because i'm getting older and need to get serious :-)

I know that at certain times (like when i lived in a different city for the summer, for example) i was able to have a short term romance, so it's not like it's NEVER happened to me. but I do know what you're saying Jose about how some people ARE just looking for casual - that's definitely true - but i have to tell you, from what i know about women generally - MORE often than not, we want something more. It's not that common to meet a devil-may-care girl who wants a short-term casual thing.

But I think i am just like dense or something - because i remember one time i went out with a guy who made it clear he didn't want a relationship and yet when we went out he was making promises about what would happen in the future - not LONG term future, but like short term future . i was really confused because I didn't equate "don't want a relationship" with seeing him beyond that date. Then when he contacted me, i wasn't very responsive and i inadvertantly made him feel rejected. So yeah, that's the sort of thing that happens to me- i'm an idiot. sort of works itself out though - if i'm not looking for casual it nips itself in the bud

ok sorry, i am rambling. Thanks for your post

March 28, 2016

Hi,

I read your post and I sense you want stories of how it doesn't work, well I'm an example of how relationship like this doesn't work out.

Been single for 3 years, thought I didn't want a relationship, actually I told him I didn't and he told me he didn't, I thought great. First few months fantastic, actually great. The more time I started seeing this guy, hooking up, sleeping together, hanging out, the more I started having feelings, I couldn't control it no matter how much I tried, I tried dropping hints about relationship, told him I liked him but he just brushed it off like nothing, the more he was pulling away, I was pulling towards him, treating him extra nice so he would change his mind but he didn't. He rejected me to my face, was very hard to swallow, he downgrade me from fwb to just being friend, we stopped having sex as he said it was causing too much complications stupid me excepted because I still had strong feelings and didn't want to lose him at all.

One night we decided to go out, me and him to a club, I got very very drunk and lashed out, all my feelings and anger came out and told him what I thought of him, it wasn't very nice. We fell out and don't talk now, I've lost him completely, it's now 3 weeks of absolute NC not seen him for 5 weeks and all this happened recently not many years ago.

What I'm saying is I should have walked away and never looked back when he rejected me, told me he wasn't ready for a relationship, so yeah arrangement like this doesn't work especially if you're the one that has feelings or like someone and the other is not too sure or doesn't want that. It hurts like mad.

Hope this helps a little

I am sorry to hear that happened to you. :-( Thanks so much for sharing your story. I think NC is a great idea. even DEFRIENDING him on facebook is a good idea if you haven't already. that always helps me to get over someone quicker. What sucks about your story the most is that you went into it not wanting anything serious and then got attached. I am sure that'd happen to me for sure.

March 28, 2016

I am sorry to hear that happened to you. :-( Thanks so much for sharing your story. I think NC is a great idea. even DEFRIENDING him on facebook is a good idea if you haven't already. that always helps me to get over someone quicker. What sucks about your story the most is that you went into it not wanting anything serious and then got attached. I am sure that'd happen to me for sure.

Hey babe, it's life!!! **** happens just have to learn from it and move on which is what I'm doing!!! Yeah I've decided he ain't worth my time and to go with men that wants a relationship. I will never get into a fwb arrangement ever again in my life. I haven't defriended him on facebook, I've just deactivated my facebook account, can't be bothered with the fake happiness on facebook. I've been off facebook for 5 weeks now also so I don't look at his page whilst he has pics of girls or see him adding girls.

Yeah I was a million percents sure I didn't want a relationship especially since I'm 29 and he is 21, yeah I know stupid me!!! But you can't control your emotions sometimes.

All I'm saying is babe don't do it, move on from this guy please, there are better and hotter men out there that will cherish you and treat you how you want to be treated. All I can do is warn people don't do it as it destroys you.

Looking back now I just wanna slap myself haha.

March 28, 2016

It's even worse. If a dude says he doesnt want a serious RS, I bail.

The worst are the future fakers, those who don't say what them want. It's where one needs to figure it out for themselves - past behaviour predicting future behaviour. Trust me, singling out those men is hard!

Men who say clearly what them want / or don't want are the warm up. Prepare for the heavy stuff, it gets much much more difficult down the road!

March 28, 2016

It's even worse. If a dude says he doesnt want a serious RS, I bail.

The worst are the future fakers, those who don't say what them want. It's where one needs to figure it out for themselves - past behaviour predicting future behaviour. Trust me, singling out those men is hard!

Men who say clearly what them want / or don't want are the warm up. Prepare for the heavy stuff, it gets much much more difficult down the road!

Totally agree. Casual is just eurghh 'cause the guy is basically wanting an escort - it's such a waste of your time and investment. With all due respect for folk for whom these liaisons work, that's just not for me. I respect that the guy is up front with me but I also feel insulted and politely opt out (I see what Joseb is saying in that regard). And you're right, the worst are the guys that have no integrity and just say what they think they have to say to get you into bed. It's awful behaviour.

OP, I'm like you and I'd be sensitive to it as well. I would also block this guy everywhere (if it's not someone I see socially a lot) but don't let him make you cry yourself to sleep at night. He's not worth it. I see you are thinking about your friend and it could be that it works for her, it may be that she will get hurt too but there's no way of knowing for sure at this stage. I would let her get on with it and be there if she needs you for counsel if anything goes wrong (it could that it doesn't go wrong, she knows what she is doing, and can handle it though).

March 29, 2016

Totally agree. Casual is just eurghh 'cause the guy is basically wanting an escort - it's such a waste of your time and investment. With all due respect for folk for whom these liaisons work, that's just not for me. I respect that the guy is up front with me but I also feel insulted and politely opt out (I see what Joseb is saying in that regard). And you're right, the worst are the guys that have no integrity and just say what they think they have to say to get you into bed. It's awful behaviour.

OP, I'm like you and I'd be sensitive to it as well. I would also block this guy everywhere (if it's not someone I see socially a lot) but don't let him make you cry yourself to sleep at night. He's not worth it. I see you are thinking about your friend and it could be that it works for her, it may be that she will get hurt too but there's no way of knowing for sure at this stage. I would let her get on with it and be there if she needs you for counsel if anything goes wrong (it could that it doesn't go wrong, she knows what she is doing, and can handle it though).

yes an escort...good way to put it

March 29, 2016

Your friend is setting herself up for disappointment. The guy was honest and said it'd never be serious because she is moving in three months. Yet she naively thinks he'll change his mind.

March 29, 2016

OP - I like you. You remind me of me. So many of my friends are okay with the type of relationships and I just don't get it. Why go into something that you know is only going to cause hurt? I wish I could be carefree and casual with guys, but I can't. If I even make it to a second date with you, that's a big deal.

Like some mentioned, you will also run into guys who don't say what they truly want because they know it's not the answer that's going to get you. Then 3 months down the road they'll say, "Oh by the way... this is getting serious so I better tell you, I don't want the same things as you."

March 29, 2016

You asked for casual stories. I actually do have some good ones, but I have a feeling they're rare....

1. One friend got out of a 5 year relationship with a guy and just wanted a carefree fling with a guy. Well, sex turned into a relationship which turned into love, marriage, and a baby.

2. Another friend who is a single mother went to a bar looking for a fling to make her feel better post-breakup. She ended up kissing a younger guy. It sorta became a thing they'd do on weekends until she started getting feelings for him. He rejected her saying he didn't' want a relationship, she was too old and he didn't want someone with kids. Well, they ended up hooking up later on and that eventually turned serious and now 3 years later they're engaged.

These are the two good stories I have. It's gotta be rare, but sometimes I get bitter because these people who start out making what in my eyes is a HUGE mistake end up happily married. And here I try to do it the right way to protect myself and I'm single. Oh boy. This post took a turn.

March 29, 2016

yes an escort...good way to put it

I don't think that's a very fair comment.

It's like saying that a woman looking to settled down and have kids is just after a sperm donor, or that a middle aged guy wanting marriage is looking for free aged care down the line.

Not everyone is looking for a relationship for life anymore. Some of us have been there and realised it's not all that.

Sign In

know anybody to continue to see someone "casually"?

Recommended Posts

HansonGirl

itstoni

louxor

HansonGirl

kevint

lana-banana

HansonGirl

joseb

HansonGirl

joseb

HansonGirl

MissBee

HansonGirl

faithfully

joseb

HansonGirl

HansonGirl

faithfully

candie13

thecrucible

HansonGirl

fitnessfan365

abby_tx

abby_tx

joseb

What's New

My Activity Streams

More...