Past Experiences Causing Me To Question Current Situations

[Versacehottie]

I am realizing that having him come to me at his pace is the best.

 

Recalling conversation from him about his marriage and nasty divorce. It began will an initial first date (not even sure it was a date, maybe party) sexual encounter and they fell fast. Married in 6 months due to her being from out of the country. Quickly got bad and the divorce was not amicable at all. He is a year or so out of his divorce and when he said go slow he added in order to not make another mistake.

 

I believe that is at play here and I need to respect it.

 

yeah well I agree with you. I would be careful though at doing it because of your interpretation (whether right or wrong) of information you got from him (or any guy). That can lead to you making allowances or giving excuses or a pass to his behavior. Don't let him have all the power. Well really any of it. You should just evaluate how he measures up to YOUR standards (reasonable ones, from your rational mind).

 

Lots of guys will drop these little nuggets into some of the beginning conversations with you, to plant the seed for future passes with you for bad or not up to par behavior. That's just an explanation. I don't think you need to make it too complicated. You either find his pace acceptable or you don't. You NEED to do it from YOUR point of view and from a proactive, not reactive, position. That will give you power and balance out the situation.

 

It also should alleviate some of your anxiety--a lot of which is caused by worrying and trying to outstrategize what the other person will do. It shouldn't matter if you know you are just going to measure up what they do DO against your standards. When it happens. (or in this case, if there is non-action or too slow for your taste action). You are in control, contrary to how you are presenting your situation.

 

If this sounds like I am negating my advice I am not. I'm still saying that you should let him come to you at this moment at his pace because anything else is unreasonable. You need to focus on yourself rather than look so far down the road as pulling him toward a relationship or commitment. You need to change your focus to see if he measures up at every step of the way. Don't jump ahead.

Edited March 28, 2016 by Versacehottie

[selinaluv]

Oh I don't think you are in the minority Although you might be presenting things from yet another angle. yeah, OP, mrdiii has a great point, why give this guy, or any, all of your power? Honestly, he should be worried that you won't stick around if he doesn't snap you up or in response to his "let's take it slow". You don't have to be angry at him that he said that but do take it for what it is. And if it does not fit your standards, then keep moving.

 

I think if you take a step back from your anxiety and feeling rejected (when it could very well NOT be rejection). I do think if you can step back from it all and try to evaluate it more neutrally, you will see that you are basically just wanting reassurance that you will have a shot at or a relationship with him. If you can take your anxiety and ego out of it, I think you might find that it's fine to go at a slower pace with a guy that is worthwhile. It's only been 2 dates so I think he is just trying to keep expectations in line. In the future, i think it might benefit you to wait a while before you sleep with a guy because it may just ramp up your expectations and anxiety about the relationship. That's one reason to slow down on that part. Because a good amount of reasonable guys, are going to say much like he did: let's pace ourselves. good luck

 

All excellent thoughts, thank you. I think we are so conditioned sometimes that if a man is truly interested nothing will stop him and he will make it known from the start.

 

Actually this one has and I just need to remember pacing ourselves is not going in the opposite direction. You are right about the reassurance, but we have had two dates in one week and the promise of one more and a tour of his company (which is kind of a big deal).

 

I actually just met him a week ago tonight. I need to relax and confident it will work itself out as it should.

[Versacehottie]

I am taking this to heart and will probably go back. All these thoughts in my head thinking I messed up, he doesn't respect me anymore because we slept together, all this negativity is not healthy and I need to work it out. He really hasn't done or said anything to make them valid. And in fact initiated talk of meeting next week and in his mind thinks we will touch base soon to iron out details.

 

He is not a text talker, but text planner. I have been so used to insincere text talkers and they wanted nothing but sex from me. Some got it, most didn't. I need to feel comfortable and confident with someone who shows and tells me he cares at his own normal pace.

 

Yeah, I think you should only because it will be most useful at this moment with a real life situation that means a lot to you right in your present. Rather than when you are broken and need a total reset (though that can be helpful too). I would say that you have quickly jumped into anxiety mode so it would be really helpful now.

 

You didn't mess up necessarily. Look at the facts (some bolded above). Those are not negative things. It's only your anxiety making them so. The other fact is that you don't really know him yet so allow YOURSELF the time and space to do that and check that he meets your needs. No way to know after only two dates (well it would be rare) that he is the one or worthy of anything more than a 3rd date or not.

[selinaluv]

I think you now that having sex so soon is not a good way to find out if a guy is interested in a relationship with you. I had lots of sex in my younger days but married a virgin which surprised even me. We are married over 40 years and we got engaged 3 weeks after we met. I am not saying that we did not have sex because we did but just no intercourse. She was the only woman I waited for so I knew she was the one.

 

I am not prude. My wife and I have wife swapped, swung, go to nude beaches and shared a girlfriend for most of our marriage. However, I do know that having sex so soon does not allow you to know if someone just is handing you a line to have sex with your or really wants a relationship. If I had a dime for every time a guy pretended to want a relationships so he could continue to have sex with a woman, I would have a lot of dimes. I had friends who used to have sex with 2 or 3 women a week, each one thinking that he was looking for a relationship with the right woman.

 

Twice I made the mistake of confusing the effects of Oxytocin which is produced after sex, with real love. Oxytocin is a hormone that emotionally bonds a couple together. It is sometimes referred to as the cuddle hormone. It makes you want to feel close to your sexual partners. The problem is that some of us, like me, are much more affected by it than others. It can lead to love but not if the other person is having steady sex with others.

 

As far as the distance goes, that is nothing. I drove 1.5-2 hours to get to work each and every day until I started to work from home. I had girlfriends who lived in other States and it took more than two hours to see them every weekend. The girlfriend that my wife and I shared for most of our 40+ year marriage lived almost 3 hours away and sometimes even further depending on where we were living at the time. Love knows holds distance too far. When I had feelings for someone, I would drive all day to see her. In fact, I used to fly in every other weekend to see one woman I was in love with for a few years, until I was able to get a job near her. I once went AWOL from the Army, hitchhiking though combat zones, to get to an airport where I could catch a plan to fly home 17 hours away. That is what love does to a man. I drive 30 miles just to see my dentist and an hour to see some of my medical specialist. For love I would drive much longer than that. Keep that in mind. Also realize that if someone is really into you, they will want to see you as much as possible. Guys are always on their best behavior on the first few dates. That is usually not the same guy who you will know many dates later. Guys like sex and will act in any way they can to get it. Just proceed with caution. Men are pigs.

 

Our sex was okay, but I know it could be better. He didn't completely finish and I think he was embarrassed. I had no problem with it cause it was late and we were tired. Not sure if that is impacting anything at this time, but I hope not.

 

Our talk came after the sex, so I don't think he was that discouraged. And I agree with you on the distance and he even said he travelled the distance because it was me. He made a statement to get my thoughts and I didn't take it the way it was intended.

 

I worry he may be the kind of man who has concerns about a woman putting out too soon, but then I remember that is how he met his last wife and he as with me. It takes two to tango.

 

We met on OKCupid and he referenced some of my Q&A and if I was still a free spirit. Those questions are from four years ago. I have been on the site on and off in between relationships and my beliefs have changed. I reminded him we matched at over 80% on the questions so he has many beliefs as I do.

[selinaluv]

All excellent points Versacehottie I don't really know him yet and I do need to assess if he is meeting up to my expectations and standards. That eventually does come to me in time. I have had many guys come back to me and most I send along their way because they did not treat me in a manner I prefer.

[selinaluv]

And thank you everyone for your helpful insight. It is giving me perspective and confidence.

[selinaluv]

So after all that back and forth I did break down and text him hello and a nice compliment referencing the other night. I guess it was something I just needed to do and not sure why I did it. I guess I just wanted to keep the momentum going with him.

 

Update... currently no response, so that could be my answer. Lessons learned.

Edited March 28, 2016 by selinaluv

[TaraMaiden2]

So after all that back and forth I did break down and text him hello and a nice compliment referencing the other night. I guess it was something I just needed to do and not sure why I did it. I guess I just wanted to keep the momentum going with him.

 

Update... currently no response, so that could be my answer. Lessons learned.

 

Oh dear.

 

If only you'd actually texted him something with substance (like a meal invitation) maybe you wouldn't have sounded so desperate.

 

Why the hell do we keep doing this to ourselves?

 

I can see you head-wall-banging now....

[selinaluv]

Oh dear.

 

If only you'd actually texted him something with substance (like a meal invitation) maybe you wouldn't have sounded so desperate.

 

Why the hell do we keep doing this to ourselves?

 

I can see you head-wall-banging now....

 

Lol thanks for the laugh. Yes I guess I am banging my head. I was taking the advice of a good male friend.

 

It's sad though that a simple hello can be construed as desperate. That he should welcome that hello and see it for the simple act of what it could be.

 

I guess if he is the kind of man who would see it as such and my actions read as such, then maybe he isn't the one for me.

 

I really just wanted to gauge his interest level without seeming too pushy and maybe follow up with the invite. Oh well wrongly played and lesion learned.

 

And if he is the kind of man that is so sensitive to some of the topics we discussed that he can't repond, again maybe I don't want him.

[hippychick3]

Lol thanks for the laugh. Yes I guess I am banging my head. I was taking the advice of a good male friend.

 

It's sad though that a simple hello can be construed as desperate. That he should welcome that hello and see it for the simple act of what it could be.

 

I guess if he is the kind of man who would see it as such and my actions read as such, then maybe he isn't the one for me.

 

I really just wanted to gauge his interest level without seeming too pushy and maybe follow up with the invite. Oh well wrongly played and lesion learned.

 

And if he is the kind of man that is so sensitive to some of the topics we discussed that he can't repond, again maybe I don't want him.

 

I'm sorry you received no response. Unfortunately, I suspected this would happen. Men who are very interested in a woman do NOT typically tell you they want to move slowly.

 

The best way to truly gauge a man's interest is to wait for him to initiate contact with you. Don't text, don't call, don't write a letter....sit on your hands if you have to. Most men will be polite enough to respond pleasantly. This does not translate into true interest. You deserve a man who is interested and shows you that he is. An interested man will reach out to you without prompting and nudging on your part. In the beginning stages, all you need to do is respond positively and enthusiastically. If he doesn't reach out, move on!

[selinaluv]

I'm sorry you received no response. Unfortunately, I suspected this would happen. Men who are very interested in a woman do NOT typically tell you they want to move slowly.

 

Yes i can see this and if he doesn't reach out I will move on. He didn't directly say he wanted to move slow, just that he couldn't believe our conversations were getting so deep, so quickly. Let's slow the conversation down and have fun with it all. But again, he was bringing it all up.

 

His words and actions were contradicting.

 

It doesn't matter anyway. He hasn't responded. What hurts is that I think he went from very interested to unsure when I brought him home. I imagine it made him doubt me and ignited some of his jealousies. Maybe it was too soon, but I was going with the moment and I would hate to think he judged and penalized me for something we both participated in. But if so, I guess not the guy for me.

Edited March 28, 2016 by selinaluv

[Versacehottie]

I think you just waited for the advice you wanted to hear (ie from your male friend who said it was ok to get in contact). I know now you are acting like oh if he can't accept that I reached out to him, then he's not the guy for me. But you are not taking responsibility for your part in this. And as you said you did it to get assurance. Well you already HAD assurance from your talk after 2nd date sex. So effectively reaching out, IMO, showed a needy, desperate side to you. At the minimum he could STILL be trying to set a pace that he is comfortable with by waiting to return contact in a time frame that suits him. It seems like a small thing, a text, but you are basically pushing and it's not attractive nor show you in best light (ie with other things on your mind than locking him down). And when you say you don't know what propelled you to reach out to him, I think it was your anxiety and insecurity, plain and simple. You think he couldn't read those signs as well or deduced that whether it was true or not?

 

I'm sorry things went like this last night. Who knows he may get back in touch. I wish you could have taken the advice you got here. You said in the past that you've been with guys who come on fast--you realize that is part of your pattern as well, right? Maybe that's the only way you feel reassured as false as a lot of those can be. Anyway, some things to think about. Good luck as things move forward.

[selinaluv]

I think you just waited for the advice you wanted to hear (ie from your male friend who said it was ok to get in contact). I know now you are acting like oh if he can't accept that I reached out to him, then he's not the guy for me. But you are not taking responsibility for your part in this. And as you said you did it to get assurance. Well you already HAD assurance from your talk after 2nd date sex. So effectively reaching out, IMO, showed a needy, desperate side to you. At the minimum he could STILL be trying to set a pace that he is comfortable with by waiting to return contact in a time frame that suits him. It seems like a small thing, a text, but you are basically pushing and it's not attractive nor show you in best light (ie with other things on your mind than locking him down). And when you say you don't know what propelled you to reach out to him, I think it was your anxiety and insecurity, plain and simple. You think he couldn't read those signs as well or deduced that whether it was true or not?

 

I'm sorry things went like this last night. Who knows he may get back in touch. I wish you could have taken the advice you got here. You said in the past that you've been with guys who come on fast--you realize that is part of your pattern as well, right? Maybe that's the only way you feel reassured as false as a lot of those can be. Anyway, some things to think about. Good luck as things move forward.

 

You are right. My friend wasn't the only one who said I should reach out. I had a few others, but I probably should have listened to the advice here. I was told how could I expect anything if I don't put anything out in return?

 

I guess reacting to the fast guys is also taking in what I read and hear that if a guy really likes you he will come on strong. My ex husband was that way and I am trying to find that again. Most do come off as false. This one was coming on strong enough and when he pumped the brakes I panicked and it wasn't pretty.

 

I could kick myself, but if he was interested I imagine a little text wouldn't stop him.

 

It does hurt to think my actions of one text could have made it worse. Doesn't help the anxiety and insecurity.

 

I do think he will reach out in time. Not sure how I will react by that point.

[selinaluv]

And it may not show in print, but I am accepting responsibility in this. I am hurting quite a bit now thinking my actions of pushing boundaries with my text could have been a break.

 

That is not a good feeling and one I need to learn from. I just wish it wasn't with this guy.

[hippychick3]

And it may not show in print, but I am accepting responsibility in this. I am hurting quite a bit now thinking my actions of pushing boundaries with my text could have been a break.

 

That is not a good feeling and one I need to learn from. I just wish it wasn't with this guy.

 

If it makes you feel any better (it may not..and I apologize if it doesn't, but it will be good info for the next guy), I don't believe your text to him pushed him away. I believe he already wasn't interested enough to begin with and whether or not you texted him would not have made a difference. If he were interested, he would not have suggested slowing things down regardless of his "mixed signals". Interested guys do not suggest at any point slowing things down. If he were interested, he would have been initiating contact with you and not leaving you guessing and feeling anxious.

 

Yes, the texts reaching out to him (particularly the hello text yesterday) are not attractive, but it is likely not what pushed him away. He was already not really into you enough for reasons that may not even be in your control. Sorry, OP. There are other men out there...you will find someone else.

[selinaluv]

Adding that it's funny because I have often lost out on men who went with the more aggressive, needier women. The ones who texted at all hours, etc. The men have told me I was too independent and did not give them enough attention. Telling me they were initially more interested in me first. I followed the "rules" of letting them come to me and they didn't and then said they went with the one who broke those rules.

 

Sometimes I feel all of this is damned if you do, damned if you don't.

 

Thanks for "listening" to all this. I feel like this is a critical time for me to absorb, process and learn.

[selinaluv]

If it makes you feel any better (it may not..and I apologize if it doesn't, but it will be good info for the next guy), I don't believe your text to him pushed him away. I believe he already wasn't interested enough to begin with and whether or not you texted him would not have made a difference. If he were interested, he would not have suggested slowing things down regardless of his "mixed signals". Interested guys do not suggest at any point slowing things down. If he were interested, he would have been initiating contact with you and not leaving you guessing and feeling anxious.

 

Yes, the texts reaching out to him (particularly the hello text yesterday) are not attractive, but it is likely not what pushed him away. He was already not really into you enough for reasons that may not even be in your control. Sorry, OP. There are other men out there...you will find someone else.

 

In a small way it does, just because I don't want that one action to have that much impact. If something else caused him to reconsider, then so be it. I wish eh wouldn't cause there was a lot of positive, but I can't control that. Yesterday's text was the only one I sent and ever really initiated and it will be the last.

[selinaluv]

Small update... he did respond this evening. Apologized that he was busy at work and hoped I has a great day at work. He is not a big text conversationalist, so this is to be expected.

 

I was cordial and light, hoped he also had a good day, and left it at that. Did a lot of thinking today and scheduled that therapy appointment. Not going to let what he does or does not do with me cause me to spin.

 

Taking from the board the ball is officially in his court now and I feel good about that.

[Versacehottie]

You are right. My friend wasn't the only one who said I should reach out. I had a few others, but I probably should have listened to the advice here. I was told how could I expect anything if I don't put anything out in return?

 

I guess reacting to the fast guys is also taking in what I read and hear that if a guy really likes you he will come on strong. My ex husband was that way and I am trying to find that again. Most do come off as false. This one was coming on strong enough and when he pumped the brakes I panicked and it wasn't pretty.

 

I could kick myself, but if he was interested I imagine a little text wouldn't stop him.

 

It does hurt to think my actions of one text could have made it worse. Doesn't help the anxiety and insecurity.

 

I do think he will reach out in time. Not sure how I will react by that point.

 

I have said it a lot of times of this site (not that you have seen it) but to approach a relationship as if there is a foregone conclusion in the guy's head is a big mistake. They are figuring it out as they go. To think like that gives them all the power (and I think is a fallacy in the way many guys think anyway since a lot of them fly by seat of their pants in one way or another--by definition do not have the "plan" figure out about whoever they are dating. Thus you have to give them space in which to figure it out. If it was reversed, you might want the same thing. And if you had doubts or were on the fence, that pressure might just have you throw in the towel, feeling you cannot give what the other person seems to obviously need. Another reason to let things unfold.

 

Well I don't think it was just one text. I'm guessing it was a combo of things and that just that text could have been the tipping point. All I can say regarding your anxiety is that NEXT TIME do the opposite. I can see the it would up the insecurity. But you just need some better tools in place so it won't. Like take the drivers seat. I also think it when you are rehashing things in your mind that it will help to know that he didn't have a forgone conclusion in mind AND that he could be responding to your text or anything else that he viewed as clingy or too much because of his fears, etc. I think you can get a handle on this since you acknowledge and recognize the problem (first step) as evidenced by you starting this thread. You just need to keep coming back to some of the things that will help you with your anxiety/insecurity when you feel like that. Get the tools in place now and find it easier to reset when those feelings arise. Yeah, he probably will reach out (they almost always do). Good luck

[Versacehottie]

Adding that it's funny because I have often lost out on men who went with the more aggressive, needier women. The ones who texted at all hours, etc. The men have told me I was too independent and did not give them enough attention. Telling me they were initially more interested in me first. I followed the "rules" of letting them come to me and they didn't and then said they went with the one who broke those rules.

 

Sometimes I feel all of this is damned if you do, damned if you don't.

 

Thanks for "listening" to all this. I feel like this is a critical time for me to absorb, process and learn.

 

Generally i think women who find themselves in this situation have one commonality. They want a relationship. Therefore, they are not putting their needs first and truly EVALUATING the guy. A guy can feel when you might walk at any point because having a relationship is not more important than anything she wants and he has to meet her approval at checkpoints along the way (sounds formal but hopefully you get what I mean). That's why crazies who call a lot and seem to break all these rules still get the guy--because they are doing that from putting their needs first (almost narcissistic/selfish). If you are normal as you seem to indicate (and sound like to me!), making them meet your standards at every point along the way is how you do it. Shoot even tease them about it. Like they still have to prove themselves.

 

My guy friend was telling me about his wife who I have never met. He was describing her and telling me some tidbits. Actually it's a little psychology trick that what they tell you sums up some of the key factors of why she is important to him. Interestingly, he basically told me this funny story about her--where effectively, even though they are married, she keeps trying to make him prove he's good enough for her. It's a teasing thing and obviously it's true but not true. There's an underlying message in all of that. And honestly, I have only ever seen that WORK on guys, meaning it doesn't go awry. When he related the story, you could absolutely tell he loved that she does that and was almost bragging in a way or actually proud as this represents that she is a worthy girl. he is definitely not the only guy who thinks like that. I can't even tell you how many times I've observed versions of this. Just some thoughts of how you can navigate how to approach your relationships. Make them prove that they are worthy of being let into your life NOT the other way around.

 

I can't advocate the crazy, narcissistic stuff but yeah that seems to work too although it usually is completely dysfunctional. You don't sound like that would be your style. You can still handle relationships with respect, dignity and excitement but don't want the relationship more than vetting out the person. Slow yourself down. Don't think beyond one date at a time--to make sure that you are having fun and NOT overlooking his not so great stuff. It's a clear message of putting yourself first and your guys will interpret the message that you do that because you are worthy

Edited March 29, 2016 by Versacehottie

[selinaluv]

I have said it a lot of times of this site (not that you have seen it) but to approach a relationship as if there is a foregone conclusion in the guy's head is a big mistake. They are figuring it out as they go. To think like that gives them all the power (and I think is a fallacy in the way many guys think anyway since a lot of them fly by seat of their pants in one way or another--by definition do not have the "plan" figure out about whoever they are dating. Thus you have to give them space in which to figure it out. If it was reversed, you might want the same thing. And if you had doubts or were on the fence, that pressure might just have you throw in the towel, feeling you cannot give what the other person seems to obviously need. Another reason to let things unfold.

 

Well I don't think it was just one text. I'm guessing it was a combo of things and that just that text could have been the tipping point. All I can say regarding your anxiety is that NEXT TIME do the opposite. I can see the it would up the insecurity. But you just need some better tools in place so it won't. Like take the drivers seat. I also think it when you are rehashing things in your mind that it will help to know that he didn't have a forgone conclusion in mind AND that he could be responding to your text or anything else that he viewed as clingy or too much because of his fears, etc. I think you can get a handle on this since you acknowledge and recognize the problem (first step) as evidenced by you starting this thread. You just need to keep coming back to some of the things that will help you with your anxiety/insecurity when you feel like that. Get the tools in place now and find it easier to reset when those feelings arise. Yeah, he probably will reach out (they almost always do). Good luck

 

This all extremely good insight and I will keep this in mind moving forward.

 

I agree with what you say about men not having a plan and flying by the seat of their pants. I think that is true and see that in a few aspects with friends and family. Why would a guy I am dating be any different? Not saying the don't have plans, but also seeing that when it comes to relationships and dating they don't take it at seriously as we women do.

 

In fact he even told me so by saying let's have fun with it and just relax. He wants to take it day by day and see how it goes. I think we woman see the dream of what could be and that's when things derail.

 

Believe me, what you are seeing now is actually an improvement as I have been working through these issues for some time.

 

What I have noticed in this instance is my anxiety level has been less than the past and that is a good thing. I was able to turn it around and take back some control and relax. It was at that time he did respond. Like i said I did casually respond, but now feel good that the ball will remain in his court.

 

I also evaluated a few things he did and said to me and am thinking about how I also have control to assess whether I appreciate his actions and if I want to continue. We probably will, but by doing so I have been able to slow things down in my mind.

[selinaluv]

Generally i think women who find themselves in this situation have one commonality. They want a relationship. Therefore, they are not putting their needs first and truly EVALUATING the guy. A guy can feel when you might walk at any point because having a relationship is not more important than anything she wants and he has to meet her approval at checkpoints along the way (sounds formal but hopefully you get what I mean). That's why crazies who call a lot and seem to break all these rules still get the guy--because they are doing that from putting their needs first (almost narcissistic/selfish). If you are normal as you seem to indicate (and sound like to me!), making them meet your standards at every point along the way is how you do it. Shoot even tease them about it. Like they still have to prove themselves.

 

My guy friend was telling me about his wife who I have never met. He was describing her and telling me some tidbits. Actually it's a little psychology trick that what they tell you sums up some of the key factors of why she is important to him. Interestingly, he basically told me this funny story about her--where effectively, even though they are married, she keeps trying to make him prove he's good enough for her. It's a teasing thing and obviously it's true but not true. There's an underlying message in all of that. And honestly, I have only ever seen that WORK on guys, meaning it doesn't go awry. When he related the story, you could absolutely tell he loved that she does that and was almost bragging in a way or actually proud as this represents that she is a worthy girl. he is definitely not the only guy who thinks like that. I can't even tell you how many times I've observed versions of this. Just some thoughts of how you can navigate how to approach your relationships. Make them prove that they are worthy of being let into your life NOT the other way around.

 

I can't advocate the crazy, narcissistic stuff but yeah that seems to work too although it usually is completely dysfunctional. You don't sound like that would be your style. You can still handle relationships with respect, dignity and excitement but don't want the relationship more than vetting out the person. Slow yourself down. Don't think beyond one date at a time--to make sure that you are having fun and NOT overlooking his not so great stuff. It's a clear message of putting yourself first and your guys will interpret the message that you do that because you are worthy

 

Yes, this is so not my style. To be honest, I am a full-time single mother and just don't have that much time and energy to put into it.

 

The ones that do seem to have that and do want the end result of a relationship (and often a baby) at all costs. In many occasions I have seen those relationships fail badly in time, but it is interesting that they succeeded in the first place.

 

When I met my ex husband, he strongly pursued me and worked to prove he deserved to be in my life. It was exactly as it should be.

 

His second wife (who he had an affair with while we were married - whole other issue) actively pursued him. Texts, notes, asking to babysit our child, whatever you name it. When we separated he didn't pursue anything serious with her, but she kept trying. He had a few women after him, some he seemed to like more than her. When I asked why he chose her in the end he said "I went with the one who tried the hardest".

 

I know that isn't a healthy response and I know their relationship is very rocky. But still makes me think she "won" in the end because she wanted the relationship at any cost.

 

Just talking to an ex yesterday who is now a good friend on why it didn't work. We are so close and the sex was great, so what didn't work? He said I didn't show him I needed him enough. I told him that I needed him a great deal and fought the urge to come across too needy. It was a battle to have him show me he cared, when it sounded like he wanted the exact opposite.

 

I know my friend has issues and it is best to not be with him. The issues could contribute to his answer and ultimately he wants a woman to dote on him. I just think it is funny that I didn't read those signs.

 

It is hard to figure out and find that right balance. Sometimes I worry that because I am so distant or making them come to me so much that I am missing out.

[selinaluv]

So kind of a funny/not funny update to this.

 

Guy in question had texted sporadically on and off since the date. He has not initiated meeting up like he initially said but keeps complaining he is busy at work.

 

I am pretty much over it at this point and happy I am working through it. I never did like his tone asking me how many men I brought back to my bed, but whatever.

 

But then tonight he sends a text to me referencing another woman's name. LOL I called him out on the mistake saying he has the wrong person. He did respond saying whoops that like me he is dating other people and of course that is okay after two dates.

 

He just needs to get his ladies straight. Pretty sure that sealed the deal for us, but anyone have that happen to them before?

 

Actually that spurned him to tell me he is concerned about the physical distance between us and said he wants to see me again. I said someday let's meet again and he said let's plan something soon.

 

LOL not even sure I want to go again, but curious to see if he follows through with that. Probably has to go on a few dates with his other lady first

Edited April 1, 2016 by selinaluv