Past Experiences Causing Me To Question Current Situations

[selinaluv]

Hello,

 

Last Sunday I had a great first date (lots of talking, interest and chemistry). The next morning I sent my standard thank you text, which immediately led to him asking for a second date.

 

That second date was last night, which was also wonderful. These have been true dates (courtship), which has been lacking for me lately. I have “dated’ or hung out, but not like this. We get along really well. Part of the date included talking about his amazing job and the possibility of him giving me a tour of where he works. So he is planning things...

 

The date unexpectedly led to sex, but we discussed it beforehand and had a long talk in bed after the encounter. He says he is serious about finding the right person and agree we both have a nice thing going. But also said he wants to be careful and take it slow after a messy divorce. He actually mentioned he was surprised he was talking as such after only two dates.

 

I have been hurt tremendously in the past and may have misinterpreted a few things he said as rejection. It is my problem.

 

One was him commenting about the distance we live. It is about 40 minutes away with no traffic. He offered to come out my way for the date when we met halfway for our first. He lives in the city and I work and visit there all the time. I don’t see it as a problem, but he may.

 

I went into retreat mode automatically thinking he was giving me the brush off. But when I mentioned hopefully I am worth it, he said I definitely am and if he hadn’t felt it he wouldn’t have come out to me and then slept with me that night. I said these have been the best two dates I've had in a long time. He agreed and I said it would be a shame to throw that away because of distance.

 

Two was me mentioning in our talk I have been hurt by men leaving me high and dry. I think he took this to mean leaving me after sex and asked me if I do this often. I said I don’t and regardless I really like him and want to focus on him. I also turned it back on him and he said he has had his days, but grew bored of it long ago.

 

He again proclaimed it was the second date and he could not believe our talk got so intense. I agreed, but it was both of us who encouraged it.

 

He left early this morning and when I mumbled seeing him sometime again he said - yes, next week. Let’s do something next week. When I mentioned my availability he alluded to slowing down and we have time to plan.

 

But immediately I went into protection mode and he got confused. I said I really like him and don’t want to get hurt. He replied he doesn’t want to hurt me and said it is two dates, let’s have fun with this.

 

We kissed goodbye and he said he would talk to me later. We haven’t communicated since he left this morning. He is at a sporting event and I imagine he may need a day or two to process this. He also primarily uses text to plan and not talk. I want to thank him like the first date, but will hold off.

 

Unfortunately my experiences automatically lead me down a mental path of doom and gloom and my fear is I scared him off. I know that may be extreme, but trying to work through it all. I am also a full time single mom and am afraid of that being a hinderance.

 

Thanks for reading through this. I see a lot of great potential here and don't want my insecurities to ruin it.

Edited March 26, 2016 by selinaluv

[TaraMaiden2]

Carry on like this, and they will.

You're on the slow route to self-sabotaging.

 

I will say this, because I see this quite a bit on LS:

 

People hang their dependency of happiness onto the availability and devotion, or commitment, of a SO.

 

You really need to get your scheist together and not think that the only way you can be happy, contented and at peace, is if you have a guy that is devoted to you from the get-go.

 

You're spoiling your own enjoyment and appreciation of the moment.

 

You need to relax and trust more. Both yourself, and him.

[Satu]

Keep this in mind:

 

 

The past doesn't determine the future. The present determines the future.

 

Make the present as good as it can be.

 

 

 

Take care.

[selinaluv]

Carry on like this, and they will.

You're on the slow route to self-sabotaging.

 

I will say this, because I see this quite a bit on LS:

 

People hang their dependency of happiness onto the availability and devotion, or commitment, of a SO.

 

You really need to get your scheist together and not think that the only way you can be happy, contented and at peace, is if you have a guy that is devoted to you from the get-go.

 

You're spoiling your own enjoyment and appreciation of the moment.

 

You need to relax and trust more. Both yourself, and him.

 

Yes I see and know this. It is so true. My ex husband left me and my daughter in a very abrupt and painful manor 8 years ago and I am still working on some of the issues.

 

I was in therapy and may need to go back.

 

Part of the problem is I was choosing guys who were hot and heavy, needy from the start and we all know that never really works.

 

I am learning the right man to focus my energies and this is the one. But the truly solid, independent man is someone who initially brings out the insecurities.

 

I do need to enjoy this for what it is because it has been great so far.

[Satu]

snip

 

*I do need to enjoy this for what it is because it has been great so far.

 

 

*Hold that thought.

[selinaluv]

snip

 

 

 

*Hold that thought.

 

I will try to keep working on it. It is a mental exercise for me and something I actually worked on in therapy.

 

It is so hard being in the moment sometimes. We or me gets so discouraged with dating (primarily online dating) and flakes, etc. That finding a true, genuine person is so great I want hold on to it all and not lose that feeling.

[selinaluv]

So to follow up on this because I don't want to let this one go.

 

Do I reach out to him? I know I said to give him some days to process and that is what I am doing.

 

I have not heard from him yet and didn't expect to yesterday.

 

I want to have him come to me when he is ready and I'm sure he will, but I really hate the waiting game.

[TaraMaiden2]

"Am cooking a leg of lamb tuesday evening. Fancy a bite?"

 

Then let him respond.

[selinaluv]

"Am cooking a leg of lamb tuesday evening. Fancy a bite?"

 

Then let him respond.

 

So offer him an invite? I am thinking of doing that.

[Satu]

Patience is a virtue.

 

“Love moderately. Long love doth so.

Too swift arrives as tardy as too slow.

 

- Willian Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet.

[Satu]

So offer him an invite? I am thinking of doing that.

 

I would. Why not?

[TaraMaiden2]

So offer him an invite? I am thinking of doing that.

Yes. Keep it light, short and sweet. Don't go into "I'm looking forward to seeing you," "I've missed you" or platitudes "Sorry to bother you..." "I know we're taking it slow, but...."

 

Just send him a text inviting him for roast chicken/pasta/chinese/ whatever. No frills, no fancies, just a 'how about....?'

[losangelena]

So to follow up on this because I don't want to let this one go.

 

Do I reach out to him? I know I said to give him some days to process and that is what I am doing.

 

I have not heard from him yet and didn't expect to yesterday.

 

I want to have him come to me when he is ready and I'm sure he will, but I really hate the waiting game.

 

If you want to wait, then wait. Yes, it may be excruciating. Wait anyway.

[selinaluv]

Yes. Keep it light, short and sweet. Don't go into "I'm looking forward to seeing you," "I've missed you" or platitudes "Sorry to bother you..." "I know we're taking it slow, but...."

 

Just send him a text inviting him for roast chicken/pasta/chinese/ whatever. No frills, no fancies, just a 'how about....?'

 

I will do that, thank you. I will give it another day or so for my sake and then I will do that. Short, simple and light.

[losangelena]

I will do that, thank you. I will give it another day or so for my sake and then I will do that. Short, simple and light.

 

One word of caution:

 

I think what TM suggested is fine, however, don't reach out to him in order to try and provoke a response from him. Sure, you both really stuck your necks out after having sex, and conversation got intense. You're feeling anxious, but you know that your anxiety is part of your problem.

 

I get this way too, sometimes, where, because I want to alleviate my anxiety, I'll reach out to a guy because I want to get a response from him, in order to "feel better" about things, thinking, "oh, if he texts me back, he must genuinely be interested." That's a slippery slope, though. I think a more accurate indicator of interest would be if he reaches out to you on his own.

 

I don't think there's anything wrong with inviting him to dinner, and I would normally say go for it, but that's a temporary fix in terms of getting an answer to the question, "is he interested." In this instance, I would say wait for him to contact you.

[mrldii]

Wow, once again I'm going to be in the minority here. OP, you claim your anxiety comes from your past experiences, from which you've been hurt...but then, YOU give waaaaay too much of yourself and invest waaaaay to soon, and then lay it at his feet, saying "OOOOooooo, you'd better not hurt me!"

 

He already has *hurt* you...you're now anxiously watching the minutes tick by because he hasn't called yet AND you're stressing about YOU can manipulate seeing each other sooner than HE might planning on seeing you.

 

 

IF it's true that you've been hurt in the past and IF it's true that you didn't like getting hurt, then learn from what YOU did/do to allow yourself to get hurt and stop giving away your power and all control to someone else, namely 'a him'.

 

Either that, or admit to yourself that you actually like the drama and anxiety of it all and love the 'OOOOooooo, it hurts so good' that comes from pacing the floor waiting for the phone to ring and picking petals of daisies chanting, "He loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not..."

 

 

Either it hurts and you don't like it (and won't keep doing it) or you love it and live for it; it can't be both.

 

 

 

Best of luck to you, OP...

[TaraMaiden2]

Some good points, there losangelena

[selinaluv]

One word of caution:

 

I get this way too, sometimes, where, because I want to alleviate my anxiety, I'll reach out to a guy because I want to get a response from him, in order to "feel better" about things, thinking, "oh, if he texts me back, he must genuinely be interested." That's a slippery slope, though. I think a more accurate indicator of interest would be if he reaches out to you on his own.

 

 

Yes I am guilty of this in the past. I really do want to see what HE does in the case. I do believe he is interested in me more than the recent others and I do want to see if he shows it.

 

That is why I am thinking I will continue to give it some additional time. Resting on it seems to help the anxiety.

[selinaluv]

Wow, once again I'm going to be in the minority here. OP, you claim your anxiety comes from your past experiences, from which you've been hurt...but then, YOU give waaaaay too much of yourself and invest waaaaay to soon, and then lay it at his feet, saying "OOOOooooo, you'd better not hurt me!"

 

He already has *hurt* you...you're now anxiously watching the minutes tick by because he hasn't called yet AND you're stressing about YOU can manipulate seeing each other sooner than HE might planning on seeing you.

 

 

IF it's true that you've been hurt in the past and IF it's true that you didn't like getting hurt, then learn from what YOU did/do to allow yourself to get hurt and stop giving away your power and all control to someone else, namely 'a him'.

 

Either that, or admit to yourself that you actually like the drama and anxiety of it all and love the 'OOOOooooo, it hurts so good' that comes from pacing the floor waiting for the phone to ring and picking petals of daisies chanting, "He loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not..."

 

 

Either it hurts and you don't like it (and won't keep doing it) or you love it and live for it; it can't be both.

 

 

 

Best of luck to you, OP...

 

This is all very good to note and could be somewhat true. I don't think I love the pain and hurt, but I don't know why I do continue to give my all too fast and too soon. I don't like the drama, but actually feel the anxiety just as much when things are progressing at a normal, natural rate.

 

I say I am not going to give myself up to fast, but then proceed to do so. I do love sex, but it is more than that. And you are right it wasn't fair for me to turn it on him claiming I don't want him to hurt me.

 

You could see it in his face when he responded that he doesn't want to hurt me. He truly believed that but didn't know where I was coming from.

 

Unfortunately it was a case of me talking before thinking and I hope he won't hold it against me. I truly think this one was growing to genuinely like me for me.

 

I guess if he does genuinely care enough he won't let my insecurities that night stop him and he will give me additional chances. I will keep learning from this.

Edited March 27, 2016 by selinaluv

[Versacehottie]

One word of caution:

 

I think what TM suggested is fine, however, don't reach out to him in order to try and provoke a response from him. Sure, you both really stuck your necks out after having sex, and conversation got intense. You're feeling anxious, but you know that your anxiety is part of your problem.

 

I get this way too, sometimes, where, because I want to alleviate my anxiety, I'll reach out to a guy because I want to get a response from him, in order to "feel better" about things, thinking, "oh, if he texts me back, he must genuinely be interested." That's a slippery slope, though. I think a more accurate indicator of interest would be if he reaches out to you on his own.

 

I don't think there's anything wrong with inviting him to dinner, and I would normally say go for it, but that's a temporary fix in terms of getting an answer to the question, "is he interested." In this instance, I would say wait for him to contact you.

 

Agreed that OP is probably just trying to alleviate her anxiety and it is the wrong course of action. You, TM and mrdiii gave great responses.

 

I'm of the belief that if someone wants to go slower, you have to go at that person's pace or decide it doesn't work for you. Trying to force a quicker pace almost always has the exact opposite reaction. I think i said it yesterday there is a reason that traditional dating norms work at the beginning--letting the guy pursue. Just because you had sex I wouldn't throw these out the window and stop that. Sure, you can let him know when you are coming to that fork in the road where you just don't think his slow pace is worth it.

 

I actually think that inviting him to do anything is a veiled attempt at trying to up the pace. My rec is to let him contact you and don't be so available when he does. Fill up your free time and don't leave slots open for him like he's your bf (which was what letting him know your free time for the upcoming week was). Be happy pleasant, etc. But truly have absorbed what he said to you--that a slower pace is better. And if that has you questioning a relationship at all with him that's ok. He threw it out there not that worried about how you would take it but trying to set a pace he could live with. So make sure your corresponding behavior is not doormatty. Good luck

[Versacehottie]

Yes I see and know this. It is so true. My ex husband left me and my daughter in a very abrupt and painful manor 8 years ago and I am still working on some of the issues.

 

I was in therapy and may need to go back.

 

Part of the problem is I was choosing guys who were hot and heavy, needy from the start and we all know that never really works.

 

I am learning the right man to focus my energies and this is the one. But the truly solid, independent man is someone who initially brings out the insecurities.

 

I do need to enjoy this for what it is because it has been great so far.

 

I know people on this site can tend to throw out the "go to therapy" a lot even though I don't. However, I do think that in this case where your anxiety gets the best of you that it would be better to seek that help now while you are in this good situation rather than after it gets messed up. I think it would help you navigate your dating right now rather than to fail with this guy or others and then believe something is wrong with you. You have real experience right now right in front of you to work with. I can't see a time that you would need it more to both get what you want and not let your emotions take over.

[Versacehottie]

Wow, once again I'm going to be in the minority here. OP, you claim your anxiety comes from your past experiences, from which you've been hurt...but then, YOU give waaaaay too much of yourself and invest waaaaay to soon, and then lay it at his feet, saying "OOOOooooo, you'd better not hurt me!"

 

He already has *hurt* you...you're now anxiously watching the minutes tick by because he hasn't called yet AND you're stressing about YOU can manipulate seeing each other sooner than HE might planning on seeing you.

 

 

IF it's true that you've been hurt in the past and IF it's true that you didn't like getting hurt, then learn from what YOU did/do to allow yourself to get hurt and stop giving away your power and all control to someone else, namely 'a him'.

 

Either that, or admit to yourself that you actually like the drama and anxiety of it all and love the 'OOOOooooo, it hurts so good' that comes from pacing the floor waiting for the phone to ring and picking petals of daisies chanting, "He loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not..."

 

 

Either it hurts and you don't like it (and won't keep doing it) or you love it and live for it; it can't be both.

 

 

 

Best of luck to you, OP...

 

Oh I don't think you are in the minority Although you might be presenting things from yet another angle. yeah, OP, mrdiii has a great point, why give this guy, or any, all of your power? Honestly, he should be worried that you won't stick around if he doesn't snap you up or in response to his "let's take it slow". You don't have to be angry at him that he said that but do take it for what it is. And if it does not fit your standards, then keep moving.

 

I think if you take a step back from your anxiety and feeling rejected (when it could very well NOT be rejection). I do think if you can step back from it all and try to evaluate it more neutrally, you will see that you are basically just wanting reassurance that you will have a shot at or a relationship with him. If you can take your anxiety and ego out of it, I think you might find that it's fine to go at a slower pace with a guy that is worthwhile. It's only been 2 dates so I think he is just trying to keep expectations in line. In the future, i think it might benefit you to wait a while before you sleep with a guy because it may just ramp up your expectations and anxiety about the relationship. That's one reason to slow down on that part. Because a good amount of reasonable guys, are going to say much like he did: let's pace ourselves. good luck

[len51]

I think you now that having sex so soon is not a good way to find out if a guy is interested in a relationship with you. I had lots of sex in my younger days but married a virgin which surprised even me. We are married over 40 years and we got engaged 3 weeks after we met. I am not saying that we did not have sex because we did but just no intercourse. She was the only woman I waited for so I knew she was the one.

 

I am not prude. My wife and I have wife swapped, swung, go to nude beaches and shared a girlfriend for most of our marriage. However, I do know that having sex so soon does not allow you to know if someone just is handing you a line to have sex with your or really wants a relationship. If I had a dime for every time a guy pretended to want a relationships so he could continue to have sex with a woman, I would have a lot of dimes. I had friends who used to have sex with 2 or 3 women a week, each one thinking that he was looking for a relationship with the right woman.

 

Twice I made the mistake of confusing the effects of Oxytocin which is produced after sex, with real love. Oxytocin is a hormone that emotionally bonds a couple together. It is sometimes referred to as the cuddle hormone. It makes you want to feel close to your sexual partners. The problem is that some of us, like me, are much more affected by it than others. It can lead to love but not if the other person is having steady sex with others.

 

As far as the distance goes, that is nothing. I drove 1.5-2 hours to get to work each and every day until I started to work from home. I had girlfriends who lived in other States and it took more than two hours to see them every weekend. The girlfriend that my wife and I shared for most of our 40+ year marriage lived almost 3 hours away and sometimes even further depending on where we were living at the time. Love knows holds distance too far. When I had feelings for someone, I would drive all day to see her. In fact, I used to fly in every other weekend to see one woman I was in love with for a few years, until I was able to get a job near her. I once went AWOL from the Army, hitchhiking though combat zones, to get to an airport where I could catch a plan to fly home 17 hours away. That is what love does to a man. I drive 30 miles just to see my dentist and an hour to see some of my medical specialist. For love I would drive much longer than that. Keep that in mind. Also realize that if someone is really into you, they will want to see you as much as possible. Guys are always on their best behavior on the first few dates. That is usually not the same guy who you will know many dates later. Guys like sex and will act in any way they can to get it. Just proceed with caution. Men are pigs.

[selinaluv]

I'm of the belief that if someone wants to go slower, you have to go at that person's pace or decide it doesn't work for you. Trying to force a quicker pace almost always has the exact opposite reaction. I think i said it yesterday there is a reason that traditional dating norms work at the beginning--letting the guy pursue. Just because you had sex I wouldn't throw these out the window and stop that. Sure, you can let him know when you are coming to that fork in the road where you just don't think his slow pace is worth it.

 

I actually think that inviting him to do anything is a veiled attempt at trying to up the pace. My rec is to let him contact you and don't be so available when he does. Fill up your free time and don't leave slots open for him like he's your bf (which was what letting him know your free time for the upcoming week was). Be happy pleasant, etc. But truly have absorbed what he said to you--that a slower pace is better. And if that has you questioning a relationship at all with him that's ok.

 

I am realizing that having him come to me at his pace is the best.

 

Recalling conversation from him about his marriage and nasty divorce. It began will an initial first date (not even sure it was a date, maybe party) sexual encounter and they fell fast. Married in 6 months due to her being from out of the country. Quickly got bad and the divorce was not amicable at all. He is a year or so out of his divorce and when he said go slow he added in order to not make another mistake.

 

I believe that is at play here and I need to respect it.

[selinaluv]

I know people on this site can tend to throw out the "go to therapy" a lot even though I don't. However, I do think that in this case where your anxiety gets the best of you that it would be better to seek that help now while you are in this good situation rather than after it gets messed up. I think it would help you navigate your dating right now rather than to fail with this guy or others and then believe something is wrong with you. You have real experience right now right in front of you to work with. I can't see a time that you would need it more to both get what you want and not let your emotions take over.

 

I am taking this to heart and will probably go back. All these thoughts in my head thinking I messed up, he doesn't respect me anymore because we slept together, all this negativity is not healthy and I need to work it out. He really hasn't done or said anything to make them valid. And in fact initiated talk of meeting next week and in his mind thinks we will touch base soon to iron out details.

 

He is not a text talker, but text planner. I have been so used to insincere text talkers and they wanted nothing but sex from me. Some got it, most didn't. I need to feel comfortable and confident with someone who shows and tells me he cares at his own normal pace.