Lois_Griffin Posted March 9, 2016 Posted March 9, 2016 (edited) However I do think this is a different case as I withheld sex for months and he never pushed me once and continues to date me (although he reduces the times of seeing me at home). We just really enjoy each other's company... While I think YOU think you're in an exclusive relationship with him, I don't think he sees it quite the same way. He enjoys your company for what it is and doesn't push for sex. But quite honestly, I don't think you're the only one he's seeing. Your statement that he 'reduces the times of seeing me at home' speaks volumes. I wouldn't have sex with him and I certainly wouldn't have sex with him thinking it will make him more attached and want a long distance relationship. Sadly, the ONLY thing it's going to do is make YOU even more invested than you already are. Edited March 9, 2016 by Lois_Griffin
xcupid Posted March 10, 2016 Posted March 10, 2016 Do men intensify their feelings and grow much attached after sex with someone they truly like? Is that a good risk to take? Doesn't seem like any potential for a relationship if you're leaving the country. The only feelings that will intensify is his need for more sex. Be prepared for a FWB situation if you have sex with him. Not a good risk if you're looking for a relationship, IMO.
Author Alice0111 Posted March 10, 2016 Author Posted March 10, 2016 IMO you have two choices here. You either take the risk of a short term casual no strings attached relationship, with an outside chance it becomes exclusive when you go long distance (but not counting on it). Or you walk away now and leave the door open to reconnecting when you are done your program and back in your home country / city. I understand your guy's resistance to a long distance relationship. My boyfriend is away in a very different time zone for two weeks and it sucks! Text and the occasional call in my opinion does not make for a great relationship. I also think his concerns about your age are valid. I'm 35 and I know my thoughts on how my life would look at 24 are very different from my thoughts now... So if you like this guy a lot and want to pursue whatever with him now, do it knowing there is likely a shelf life. Or walk away for now, let him know you want to check in when you're back, and go have fun while you're away. Trust me, your 9 month experience abroad will be a lot more fun and free if you're not tied to someone back home. Thank you so much! What you said makes a lot of sense. It is a difficult decision to make. I really want to leave the door open and having sex when I am not ready or pushing for a relationship when he's not ready is putting a strain on our relationship. I asked what we are and he said let's name it relation R : "It involves emotional attachment, strong intimacy, being always in touch, regular meetings, kissing, hand in hand, but no sex and unclear future. Tags won't change these facts." I asked if he'd be happy with it for long. He said no but he doesn't have a solution and will stick with it for the time being...
Author Alice0111 Posted March 10, 2016 Author Posted March 10, 2016 I haven't been caught up in the discussion so I apologize if I repeat. It depends on you. Do you need a label to feel okay having sex with a man? If so, that's okay, but be mindful that a label is just a word. You can be exclusive and the sex may still me "illegitimate" because one partner is having affairs. I try to encourage people to disregard labels because at the end of the day, they're just words. If you're concerned with the exclusivity part (is he having sex with someone else) then I would encourage you to talk to him, and there is no shame in expressing that you are a one-man-at-a-time kinda gal. Hopefully he is on the same page, if not, there is still no harm in having sex. Women have needs too Yes I have strong needs but my there's always this alarm in my head thag screams when I am about to give in. I think he's frustrated and grumpy because of that but I really can't... I've had horrendous experience with pseudo relationship... Yes we are being exclusive, there's no question about that.
Author Alice0111 Posted March 10, 2016 Author Posted March 10, 2016 It sounds like he really likes you but probably doesn't want to sound like a jerk for telling you not to overthink things. It's probably why he's not pressuring you to have sex. I respect him for being honest with you about his stance about the LDR. It sounds like if you decide to have sex with him during this time you're here, he's going to be exclusive to you and continue respecting you and caring for you- which is the best kind of "casual/FWB/possibly has potential for future relationship status/however you want to call it" situation you could be in. It's just up to you if you're open to that. You just never know what could happen. However, if you're not comfortable with that, then that's fine too. However, I'd probably suggest backing off then so you're not frustrating yourself or him. Yes that's exactly what it's going to be if I have sex with him. Thanks for the advice.
Author Alice0111 Posted March 10, 2016 Author Posted March 10, 2016 While I think YOU think you're in an exclusive relationship with him, I don't think he sees it quite the same way. He enjoys your company for what it is and doesn't push for sex. But quite honestly, I don't think you're the only one he's seeing. Your statement that he 'reduces the times of seeing me at home' speaks volumes. I wouldn't have sex with him and I certainly wouldn't have sex with him thinking it will make him more attached and want a long distance relationship. Sadly, the ONLY thing it's going to do is make YOU even more invested than you already are. Thanks for the warning, I do believe I'm the only one he's seeing. He makes it very clear and we text all day everyday and know exactly what each other's doing all the time. I guess part of he reason he reduces times is that it's frustrating for him to see me so frequently and we have such chemistry but I won't act on it...
Author Alice0111 Posted March 10, 2016 Author Posted March 10, 2016 Not a guy but my experience is they are better at compartmentalizing. So some will and some won't. My biggest concern is he basically said that he doesn't want to do LDRs. I would believe that. Yes that's the real issue here and I'm starting to let it sink in and truly respect his decision.
Author Alice0111 Posted March 26, 2016 Author Posted March 26, 2016 We've been dating for 4 months, exclusive. We like each other very much and are emotionally very intimate (at least from my side). We see each other regularly about once or twice a week and share with each other details of our lives everyday. We have become good friends who care deeply about each other, besides the romantic feelings. Except I feel sometimes he doesn't trust me as a close friend. For example, one day I needed a credit card to book something online, he avoided sharing with me his credit card information... There's also a girl who's madly infatuated with him and sends him crazy texts everyday, and he sometimes screenshots her words and show them to me and we'd have a laugh. But he'd always crop out the girls full name. I asked for her name and he sounds guarded like he's afraid I'd do something crazy. I understand he's rather self protective and private. But is that normal? I know I have no problem sharing personal information with him as I trust his integrity that he won't use it against me one day.
jen1447 Posted March 26, 2016 Posted March 26, 2016 It's normal enough. Some ppl are just more private than others.
CarrieT Posted March 26, 2016 Posted March 26, 2016 I wouldn't share credit card information with someone until their is a firm - one or two year, at least! - commitment. 8
lchf Posted March 26, 2016 Posted March 26, 2016 4 months and you want credit card info? lol that isn't happening till at LEAST a year like CarrieT said. 2
ExpatInItaly Posted March 26, 2016 Posted March 26, 2016 I understand him not sharing his credit card information. You haven't been together that long. As for the girl, I'd be more concerned that he's not told her to stop or blocked her. 3
elaine567 Posted March 26, 2016 Posted March 26, 2016 As for the girl, I'd be more concerned that he's not told her to stop or blocked her. ^^^ this^^^ She won't be sending texts everyday without encouragement from him.
kendahke Posted March 26, 2016 Posted March 26, 2016 exactly how much were you putting on his credit card and do you have a job to pay for it without having to use his credit card? Put aside the money needed for the purchase and use a debit card--many places have guidelines set up for the use of debit cards instead of credit cards. My advice would be to develop your own line of credit so you can get your own card. As for the girl--why do you need to know her last name? Are you going to creep her social media? He sounds like he's a private person who isn't at the point where he feels like sharing what he considers his business with you. If you're an open person and feel you should have access, at 4 months, to his credit and friend information, then you might be with the wrong guy and need to go find a guy who doesnt' mind letting you into his private area at the 4 month mark. I'll say this, though: you'll be hard pressed to find anyone who will do this at 4 months. At 1 year or 2 years, perhaps. 1
hippychick3 Posted March 26, 2016 Posted March 26, 2016 I find it strange that you're asking him for his cc information which is inappropriate at this stage of your relationship and also strange that he's allowing a girl to send him "crazy" messages everyday. 1
Emilia Posted March 26, 2016 Posted March 26, 2016 I would be put off if someone I was seeing asked for my cc. I would be even more put off if he laughed at some poor girl's texts. Pretty cruel. You two are a bit strange. How old are you?
SammySammy Posted March 26, 2016 Posted March 26, 2016 It's very unreasonable to expect him to give you his credit card number. I'd probably have to be married before I do that. At least engaged.
lychee Posted March 26, 2016 Posted March 26, 2016 We've been dating for 4 months, exclusive. We like each other very much and are emotionally very intimate (at least from my side). We see each other regularly about once or twice a week and share with each other details of our lives everyday. We have become good friends who care deeply about each other, besides the romantic feelings. Except I feel sometimes he doesn't trust me as a close friend. For example, one day I needed a credit card to book something online, he avoided sharing with me his credit card information... There's also a girl who's madly infatuated with him and sends him crazy texts everyday, and he sometimes screenshots her words and show them to me and we'd have a laugh. But he'd always crop out the girls full name. I asked for her name and he sounds guarded like he's afraid I'd do something crazy. I understand he's rather self protective and private. But is that normal? I know I have no problem sharing personal information with him as I trust his integrity that he won't use it against me one day. 4 months is a little soon for credit card borrowing...and he doesn't have to share anything he doesn't wants too ...thats his business..if you have reasons to doubt him, that's another story. 1
Empire87 Posted March 26, 2016 Posted March 26, 2016 He should be the one who is posting here asking if he should be concerned that his girlfriend of only a few months is asking him for his credit card info so she can purchase/book something. Give him your social security number in exchange for his credit card info. OR... Don't treat your boyfriends like a bank. If you don't have the money, or the credit to purchase something... Then you can't purchase it. You're not just allowed to get loans from your BF because you're his gf. That's ridiculous
TaraMaiden2 Posted March 26, 2016 Posted March 26, 2016 I can actually understand him being guarded about the girl's identity too. He shares her texts with you, but perhaps feels sorry for her, and doesn't want to break that confidence....? There;s a modicum of respect there, maybe? Besides, what does it matter to you who it is? How would that change anything? And as for the CC details? Damn right he's cagey - and rightly so. I agree with others. It's not information I would share with anyone whom I'd known for such a short time.... 4
Author Alice0111 Posted March 27, 2016 Author Posted March 27, 2016 I would be put off if someone I was seeing asked for my cc. I would be even more put off if he laughed at some poor girl's texts. Pretty cruel. You two are a bit strange. How old are you? Well I'm 25, he's 35. Maybe it's a cultural thing as I'm Asian and usually date Asian guys who are fast in making commitment.
Author Alice0111 Posted March 27, 2016 Author Posted March 27, 2016 I can actually understand him being guarded about the girl's identity too. He shares her texts with you, but perhaps feels sorry for her, and doesn't want to break that confidence....? There;s a modicum of respect there, maybe? Besides, what does it matter to you who it is? How would that change anything? And as for the CC details? Damn right he's cagey - and rightly so. I agree with others. It's not information I would share with anyone whom I'd known for such a short time.... Yes I feel that he does feel a little sorry for the girl, but hasn't blocked her for his own amusement...
The_Dork_Lard Posted March 27, 2016 Posted March 27, 2016 I have no problem sharing personal information with him as I trust his integrity that he won't use it against me one day. But not everybody is so trusting, nor are they so trustworthy. After being around the dating block a few times, I wouldn't even tell any new girlfriend how much I earn, yet alone give her my credit card details. It's sad, but there are so many vindictive, self-centred, uncaring people out there who really will use sensitive information for their own ends, or for stalking purposes, or to bring up in the midst of a blazing row. He's guarded, yes, but in time it'll come down piece by piece. Give him space, it's only been 4 months. See what he's like in another 12 months. It's totally normal.
HungryPanda Posted March 27, 2016 Posted March 27, 2016 Not sharing financial information is hardly the same as not sharing personal information. If you think you two are 'committed' enough to share financial information, would you share your bank info? Or is this a one way street where he shares and you take? I'm Asian too, and I know a lot of women expect the man to be a walking ATM but that has nothing to do with commitment. 1
Recommended Posts