He doesn't trust me with personal information

March 9, 2016

So I (25) have been dating this guy (35) for 4 months. We see each other once a week and text all the time. Exclusive but not labelled (yet). We have had sex once (in about 6 weeks), but I didn’t feel too comfortable doing it in an undefined relationship, so I stopped and we now just date in an old-fashioned way. He said it doesn't matter he just liked spending time with me. We have such fun in almost anything we do. We laugh all the time, tell each other most things and have deep meaningful conversations. We have developed strong emotional connections like very close friends.

The reason for us not moving forward despite the fact that: 1. we like each other very much 2. we both are looking for serious relationships is simple: I will be leaving the country to pursue my master degree across the world this September.

On an early date, he revealed he has had traumatic experiences in LDR and addressed he wouldn’t do a LDR ever again (We didn’t know I’d really be leaving at that point and he was pursuing me in an earnest/serious manner). Soon, I decided the degree was crucial to my career (he agrees) and started working on applications vigorously. He’s been very encouraging and supportive. However, he’s been holding back (and admits it) since offers came.

We used to hang out 2-3 times a week and now only once a week. And declined my suggestions of taking a trip together, etc. Me, on the other hand, have been controlling myself not having sex with him. 3 days ago, when things got really hot, I retreated again, we had a talk: I told him I was not ready, as I’d become fully committed and invested after sex to the level he might not be ready for.

He said he understood fully and felt the same way. His words like: “If the situation was different, I would see you everyday, do everything together, but you are leaving I don’t want to be someone's boyfriend with an expiration date. Creating too many memories only will just make it much worse when things change. I've done this before. I really don't know if I could offer more.”

I realized only then, 3 days ago, when we had the conversation, there might be a few miscommunication between us as he raised a few concerns:

1). He believes I'd move to another country and not come back as I hate the city here, and his job restrains him to stay at least a few more years. while actually I've decided to do a 9 months program and I will almost definitely come back in 9 months.

2). He believes because I’m young, I’m still exploring and will get easily distracted, while I exactly know what I want: get the degree, find a better job here, settle down within the next 3 yrs.

I just realized the above miscommunication have probably existed since we started dating, which may be the reasons + his LDR traumas, he’s holding back. I sort of cleared up point 1 and 2 during the conversation we had 3 days ago.It was the first time I raised those points. I didn't want to push or sell him the LDR idea, I just made it clear I had no problem doing one. He went into deep thoughts and we didn't reach a conclusion nor was I expecting one.

Today a male friend gave me a totally new perspective that he's probably not thinking about LDR or relationship goals, as he's been coming to my place late at night 10+ times just talking and take me on dates for three months and I still reject him for sex!!! That's the huge obstacle on his mind while the title/commitment is on my mind... My male friend says he feels sorry for my guy.

So I gave it some thoughts and asked him about sex, turned out it was a huge deal for him and the LDR talk we had he interpreted as my explanation for rejecting sex...which he agrees to respect and it's a concession he makes because I'm important to him.

This is just absurd...

I guess my question would be, should I have sex with him again? I truly want to be am afraid I'd fall into FwB. But if I don't, we are stuck... Do men intensify their feelings and grow much attached after sex with someone they truly like? Is that a good risk to take?

March 9, 2016

Sex is a need for men, plain and simple. You are keeping him at arms length and frustrating him. The fact he's still with you surely means he enjoys your company, but likely is a bit unhappy in the relationship.

March 9, 2016

Do men intensify their feelings and grow much attached after sex with someone they truly like? Is that a good risk to take?

I can only speak for myself and the answer is yes.

March 9, 2016

Sex is a need for men, plain and simple. You are keeping him at arms length and frustrating him. The fact he's still with you surely means he enjoys your company, but likely is a bit unhappy in the relationship.

Thanks! That's what I don't understand. If he truly likes me as I like him, he'd want it to be official right? He said the title means responsibilities/obligations, the fact our future is unclear makes it difficult for him to set expectations... Would sleeping with him change these things?

March 9, 2016

Thanks! That's what I don't understand. If he truly likes me as I like him, he'd want it to be official right? He said the title means responsibilities/obligations, the fact our future is unclear makes it difficult for him to set expectations... Would sleeping with him change these things?

I think that he is looking at this from a rational point of view - it does not make sense for you two to be in a relationship right now because you are leaving soon. He does not want to have a long distance relationship (I have been in one, it was hell, and I will never do that Again, so I understand him very well on this). So there is not much to do (according to him) than keep you at distance and not get too attached.

March 9, 2016

Thanks! That's what I don't understand. If he truly likes me as I like him, he'd want it to be official right? He said the title means responsibilities/obligations, the fact our future is unclear makes it difficult for him to set expectations... Would sleeping with him change these things?

And I do not think that sleeping with him will change his mind TBH...

March 9, 2016

Thanks! That's what I don't understand. If he truly likes me as I like him, he'd want it to be official right? He said the title means responsibilities/obligations, the fact our future is unclear makes it difficult for him to set expectations... Would sleeping with him change these things?

Honestly, having sex shouldn't be this overly thought out thing, just a natural part of being together. If you are asking, can you use sex as a tool to turn someone that doesn't want a LDR into one that does want one, I cannot answer that. I can say though that having sex once in 4 months, and turning down your partner several times when he attempts to have sex with you, is just not a recipe for a healthy relationship. And yes, is probably why your relationship is still undefined.

March 9, 2016

Honestly, having sex shouldn't be this overly thought out thing, just a natural part of being together. If you are asking, can you use sex as a tool to turn someone that doesn't want a LDR into one that does want one, I cannot answer that. I can say though that having sex once in 4 months, and turning down your partner several times when he attempts to have sex with you, is just not a recipe for a healthy relationship. And yes, is probably why your relationship is still undefined.

Wow! Thank you for your honest answer. I was hoping not having sex would inspire him to label it but it's not happening...

March 9, 2016

Let's see ....

Should you have sex with him again? Only if you want to.

Do men intensify their feelings and grow more attached after sex? Generally, no. I don't.

Is that a good risk to take? If you're only planning to have sex with him to keep him ... no.

March 9, 2016

I think that he is looking at this from a rational point of view - it does not make sense for you two to be in a relationship right now because you are leaving soon. He does not want to have a long distance relationship (I have been in one, it was hell, and I will never do that Again, so I understand him very well on this). So there is not much to do (according to him) than keep you at distance and not get too attached.

I guess that's exactly his rationale... It sucks

March 9, 2016

Have sex if you want to have sex.

Don't have sex if you don't want to have sex.

The end.

March 9, 2016

And I do not think that sleeping with him will change his mind TBH...

I wholeheartedly agree with this.

Sleep with him if you want to, but don't expect to get a relationship out of it—he's already told you is ground rules (no LRDs). If you don't want to be a FWB, I would tell him goodbye.

March 9, 2016

So a little update:

Yesterday I said sorry I have to leave (second time I brought up the subject) he said don’t be, I’d feel much better as soon as I begin my new life abroad. I reinforced my points that I’d be back in 9 months and said I wouldn’t ask for anything he’d feel uncomfortable with while I am away, but I do want him to take good care of himself. I would like to see him doing well when I come back. He said he’d very likely to be alone by the time I’m back, as he’d be focusing on his huge project this year.

Then at some point I jokingly said he can’t wait to get rid of me already, but unfortunately I’ll be back (in the neighborhood, as we live very close). He seemed to lighten up, cracked many jokes and we talked a lot more, about childhood, goofy things, random thoughts till very late…

Maybe it doesn't mean anything...

March 9, 2016

So a little update:

Yesterday I said sorry I have to leave (second time I brought up the subject) he said don’t be, I’d feel much better as soon as I begin my new life abroad. I reinforced my points that I’d be back in 9 months and said I wouldn’t ask for anything he’d feel uncomfortable with while I am away, but I do want him to take good care of himself. I would like to see him doing well when I come back. He said he’d very likely to be alone by the time I’m back, as he’d be focusing on his huge project this year.

Then at some point I jokingly said he can’t wait to get rid of me already, but unfortunately I’ll be back (in the neighborhood, as we live very close). He seemed to lighten up, cracked many jokes and we talked a lot more, about childhood, goofy things, random thoughts till very late…

Maybe it doesn't mean anything...

Can I ask you what you think it might mean?

OP, can you please explain a bit about what you ideally would like your relationship to this guy to look like?

March 9, 2016

Can I ask you what you think it might mean?

OP, can you please explain a bit about what you ideally would like your relationship to this guy to look like?

I wish he was open to LDR... I don't think it'd be so bad if we spend more time together in the next few months and develop a strong foundation before I leave. And if we survive the 9 months, I really hope to settle down soon when I come back.

But it seems like he have strong feelings agains LDR

March 9, 2016

I wish he was open to LDR... I don't think it'd be so bad if we spend more time together in the next few months and develop a strong foundation before I leave. And if we survive the 9 months, I really hope to settle down soon when I come back.

But it seems like he have strong feelings agains LDR

Some people have legitimately bad experiences doing LDRs, but I also think that sometimes that can be trotted out as an excuse for you to not get your expectations too high.

If he tells you he's not into LDR, but you choose to sleep with him in the hopes that he'll change his mind by the time you leave, then he can easily step away from you and say, "hey, I told you I wasn't into LDR." He just got six months of sex and he doesn't have to commit to you when you're gone, or feel bad about it, because he told you ahead of time.

I would be very skeptical of his motivations right now.

March 9, 2016

He has strong feelings against LDR's and is holding himself back from "defining" anything.

You have strong feelings against having sex with someone until something is "defined".

However, you both clearly enjoy spending time with each other and continue to despite your impending departure.

TBH, I think you both are spending way too much time overthinking things and instead, you both should just enjoy the time you do have together doing whatever you both are comfortable doing. If you want to have sex with him, just go for it. At the least, you'll probably create some pretty great memories.

March 9, 2016

IMO you have two choices here. You either take the risk of a short term casual no strings attached relationship, with an outside chance it becomes exclusive when you go long distance (but not counting on it). Or you walk away now and leave the door open to reconnecting when you are done your program and back in your home country / city.

I understand your guy's resistance to a long distance relationship. My boyfriend is away in a very different time zone for two weeks and it sucks! Text and the occasional call in my opinion does not make for a great relationship. I also think his concerns about your age are valid. I'm 35 and I know my thoughts on how my life would look at 24 are very different from my thoughts now...

So if you like this guy a lot and want to pursue whatever with him now, do it knowing there is likely a shelf life. Or walk away for now, let him know you want to check in when you're back, and go have fun while you're away. Trust me, your 9 month experience abroad will be a lot more fun and free if you're not tied to someone back home.

March 9, 2016

Some people have legitimately bad experiences doing LDRs, but I also think that sometimes that can be trotted out as an excuse for you to not get your expectations too high.

If he tells you he's not into LDR, but you choose to sleep with him in the hopes that he'll change his mind by the time you leave, then he can easily step away from you and say, "hey, I told you I wasn't into LDR." He just got six months of sex and he doesn't have to commit to you when you're gone, or feel bad about it, because he told you ahead of time.

I would be very skeptical of his motivations right now.

Thanks for your thoughts. I know exactly what you mean cuz I've been in that situation before, where the other said he wasn't looking for a relationship but acted like he was in one anyway...I hoped to put a label on by acting like a girlfriend but of course it ended badly...

However I do think this is a different case as I withheld sex for months and he never pushed me once and continues to date me (although he reduces the times of seeing me at home). We just really enjoy each other's company...

March 9, 2016

He has strong feelings against LDR's and is holding himself back from "defining" anything.

You have strong feelings against having sex with someone until something is "defined".

However, you both clearly enjoy spending time with each other and continue to despite your impending departure.

TBH, I think you both are spending way too much time overthinking things and instead, you both should just enjoy the time you do have together doing whatever you both are comfortable doing. If you want to have sex with him, just go for it. At the least, you'll probably create some pretty great memories.

WOW those two lines sums up perfectly! Yes I'm the guilty one here... I overthink way too much and get crazy anxieties...

March 9, 2016

I haven't been caught up in the discussion so I apologize if I repeat.

It depends on you. Do you need a label to feel okay having sex with a man? If so, that's okay, but be mindful that a label is just a word. You can be exclusive and the sex may still me "illegitimate" because one partner is having affairs.

I try to encourage people to disregard labels because at the end of the day, they're just words.

If you're concerned with the exclusivity part (is he having sex with someone else) then I would encourage you to talk to him, and there is no shame in expressing that you are a one-man-at-a-time kinda gal.

Hopefully he is on the same page, if not, there is still no harm in having sex. Women have needs too

March 9, 2016

I try to encourage people to disregard labels because at the end of the day, they're just words.

Words that come with commitment, responsibilities, obligations, boundaries, etc. etc. etc.

OP it doesn't sound like you would be comfortable having sex in an undefined relationship, so don't do it. It doesn't matter if you are an overanalyzer/overthinker/overwhatever. None of that changes how you fundamentally feel currently and how you'll feel after the fact.

March 9, 2016

WOW those two lines sums up perfectly! Yes I'm the guilty one here... I overthink way too much and get crazy anxieties...

It sounds like he really likes you but probably doesn't want to sound like a jerk for telling you not to overthink things. It's probably why he's not pressuring you to have sex. I respect him for being honest with you about his stance about the LDR. It sounds like if you decide to have sex with him during this time you're here, he's going to be exclusive to you and continue respecting you and caring for you- which is the best kind of "casual/FWB/possibly has potential for future relationship status/however you want to call it" situation you could be in.

It's just up to you if you're open to that. You just never know what could happen. However, if you're not comfortable with that, then that's fine too. However, I'd probably suggest backing off then so you're not frustrating yourself or him.

March 9, 2016

If you know you won't see him after you're gone, then I don't see the point getting overly invested by seeing him regularly, sex or not. Wouldn't it be easier to just stay in very infrequent contact until there is maybe some chance of being in the same place again?

March 9, 2016

Do men intensify their feelings and grow much attached after sex with someone they truly like? Is that a good risk to take?

Not a guy but my experience is they are better at compartmentalizing. So some will and some won't.

My biggest concern is he basically said that he doesn't want to do LDRs. I would believe that.

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