The Aftermath of Toxic Relationships

[jamie353352]

Hi there,

have been an infrequent member of this forum but I really need your help guys. Not sure if im posting this on the right topic but here goes. My friend suggested I started talking to people online as a way to cope with everything I have gone through and to be honest I need advice. I need help. I am in a one to one counseling sessions since August 2013 but there's a limit that someone can help you if they haven't gone through the same thing. I’m sorry if it becomes very long. I just need to get this off my chest.

 

First off let me begin with a little bit about myself. When I was 13, I was sexually harassed and touched by my neighbor in my old apartment complex. I was in shock. At that time puberty had hit but I was a late bloomer in knowing what sex was. If it wasn't for my mother coming out to the backyard of where I lived to look for me, I would have been raped that night. The neighbor, out of fear or something, got his things and left his mother's apt the very next day. I was left with so many things that day. I lost my innocence and I had this growing fear in the pit of my stomach. I was still in middle school at that time, and I felt constantly like it was my fault. I stopped using uniform skirts and began dressing more like a man. I also began to lift weights with an obsession to get stronger. I became anti-social and ultimately I lost sight of my feminine side.

 

Fast forwarding to the year 2012, at this point in time, I am now 20 and I have been avoiding relationships and physical intimacy because of my fears. I had a few crushes up to now but never strong enough to surpass my fears for intimacy, until this year. I have known of his existence since I was in middle school. He was one of two of his best friends to a close friend of mine. Let’s name my friend “Rob” and his friend, “Anthony”. Anthony and I, although I was very close to Rob, rarely saw each other, let alone interact with him. At that time Rob was going away to Keeling for college. Anthony had added me on FB and I wanted to get closer to Rob’s friends, trying to become more open minded and social. Anthony and I began talking through messenger and before I knew it a year had passed since we talked and texted each other. By November of 2012, I was in love. At least, at that time, that’s what I believed. We ended up meeting at his house on Feb. 2013 and we kissed. Anthony was my first heartbreak and my first kiss. I am not going to get into details about Anthony because my situation began after him. Anthony however is an important player in my life.

 

In Sep 2013 I met my ex-boyfriend. Let’s call him James. I met James on an online dating site that my friend had created for me to boost my self-esteem and ultimately, an attempt to try to get pass the heartbreak that Anthony had caused.

 

James was at that time the most charming, kindest, respectful man I have met. He was everything I thought I wanted at that time. We would play video games together, he understood my fear for intimacy and slowly but surely he melted my walls. However, little did I know, this man was not what he played out to be. He abused me mentally, emotionally, and psychologically. He would bring me down then every once in a while he “threw me a bone”. It was a toxic relationship that consumed me. I became a shell of what he wanted. I gave him my freedom, my virginity, and my heart. The ambition and my passion for life slowly melted away. I lost my identity and by the time we hit the three month mark, I was already at my weakest. I attempted to commit suicide. My depression consumed me and before I knew it I wasn’t even going to my classes and all I did was cry. Thoughts of suicide plagued my mind.

 

James was cold-hearted about my situation and when I fell deeper into depression after Feb. (5th month of being with him) he began to chase my friend “Nora”. Nora and him started an affair behind my back, and at that time both of the kept denying it. Nora was charmed by his charisma. Not knowing who she dealing with. Two weeks before we broke up, I was already being medicated with a wrong diagnosis and I was very unstable. So I thought I was making things up and instigating wars with innocent people. The signs and red flags were there I just wanted to give them the benefit of the doubt. He gained all of my friend’s approval and eventually turned them against me. In that time frame, while he was sleeping with my friend Nora, James was in explosive moods and he hit me. I was in shock but I remained quiet and by his side. Not to mention, although I didn’t see it sexual assault or rape, he had sex with me while I was laying the bed with my depression. I told him no, but he still did what he wanted and I just laid still and cried.

 

He broke up with me a week later. I found out about their “innocent” development of feelings. My instinct screamed at me that was not the true story. It wasn’t as innocent as they said, but Ill save that for another time. I was pregnant when he broke up with me, 4 weeks to be exact, and my body miscarried due to all the mental health medication I was taking. He kept harassing me telling me I disgusted him, that I was ugly, bad at sex, a cum dumpster.

 

So with all this said, I need help. This happened to me in 2014, and it’s been two years, but the miscarriage the betrayal and the abuse had shaped my mind in a certain direction. I don’t know how to deal with this. Has anyone else been in an abusive, toxic relationship or gone through a miscarriage?

Edited March 26, 2016 by jamie353352

[TheBathWater]

I'm a male, so no I have not had a miscarriage. I have had my fair share of abusive and toxic relationships. Because I'm a different person than you though with a different history, our experiences and responses surrounding relational trauma are likely very different despite some common themes.

 

I have a few thoughts though for you to cogitate over...

 

Have you ever considered group therapy for trauma survivors or some other kind of group work? This is a good way to not only have a place to talk about your concerns but also to practice trust in relationships in real time by being with others.

 

What are you working on in therapy exactly? This is not clinical advice, but I feel exploring why you became attracted to such a jerk like this in the first place is worth your money (i.e. may have its roots in family or developmental issues). Before you can change something you must first understand it.

 

Get involved in as many social activities with friends or volunteer groups that you feel positive about. Find 'your people', so to speak. Find a cause to put your energy into and contribute to the greater good, whatever that looks like for you. Have you thought about maybe working with other women who have been through something like what you have been through?

 

But here's the bottom line. Before you can date again and develop a trusting relationship, you need to feel like you're coping adequately. We all have our issues, but at least get to the point where you feel like you're in control of your issues rather than they are in control of you (if this is note the case already, of course).

 

I hope some of this will be helpful to you. Please be patient and kind with yourself, and take care.

 

Lots of love,

Tuna

[Itspointless]

I was still in middle school at that time, and I felt constantly like it was my fault.

Hi Jamie, TunaInTheBrine gave you good advice, I am really sorry for everything that has happened to you.

 

Are you working on these convictions you had about yourself? You know, you definitely do not deserve these kind of people, you are worth so much more!

 

Please be kind to yourself.

[jamie353352]

I have been working on my self-esteem, depression, and anxiety with my LPC. My LPC has helped me accept the fact that the sexual harrasment was not my fault and she even help me open myself to my mother and finally get it out of my chest. Not to mention I have volunteered at the Sheriff's dept in my city. I donate money to charities. I am working full time now and I'm working on myself as best I can. I do however noticed that these deep scars wont seem to close off. My independence and my life was completely sucked by him. So I have not done things that I used to enjoy for the longest time. I recently finished my degree in Criminal Justice. Despite the struggle with the depression I managed to get it done.

 

I tried a group once but I wasnt very comfortable. I am a bit of an introvert so its bad for my anxiety when im around groups. Its easier to talk to people online and I felt I could cope better.

 

Recently "anthony" came back into my life and to be honest I am not ready for a relationship. I've been seeing him as a fwb and I been realizing that my ex shadows follows me everywhere. I am scared "Anthony" will strike me. Every time I did something wrong my ex would get extremly angry, yell at me, call me names, and just humiliate me. I got so used to be mistreated. My fwb has known me since middle school and he is aware of my traumas. He's been helping me get over some things but I still flinch and get defensive, even when he just hugs me.

[Itspointless]

Hey there again. It seems you are working really hard! The trouble with these things is that it often takes a lot of time. Depression can knock us down in a way that takes an awful lot of time to recover. It is important to not rush things, take your time. What you are trying here is not a small thing. I think you already can be really proud of yourself with what you already have accomplished, and on top of that your degree

 

I can imagine how it feels when your friend want to hug you and you keep him at a distance, but I am sure your friend understands (I have been in his shoes). Just remember him once in awhile that you are grateful that he is close, but I am sure he knows. It right now is about you, and not about others!

 

The good part is that after depression we slowly start to like things we used to like again. It only can get better, even when we sometimes have to work really hard to feel a bit normal, and it sounds like you have a good (introverted) head on your shoulders. It is important to also recognize that when you feel strong chemistry it potentially can mean trouble. Be careful when you feel such attraction. Learn to trust on your intuition and follow that gut-feeling with a clear mind. But for now, just try to enjoy life.

[jamie353352]

Thank you so much for your words of wisdom. I have tried as hard as I could. Its hard to just keep myself afloat of my depression. I am medicated and it definately makes things a little more barable.

 

I am quite aware that these is too hard to process and even more hard to even help me with. Everyday I replay the events and get more angry. My wounds are still bleeding. I know its unhealthy to keep replaying the events in my head, but I cannot help it!

 

I will continue to hold my head high but the weight of it all keeps me down

[Itspointless]

Thank you so much for your words of wisdom. I have tried as hard as I could. Its hard to just keep myself afloat of my depression. I am medicated and it definately makes things a little more barable.

 

I am quite aware that these is too hard to process and even more hard to even help me with. Everyday I replay the events and get more angry. My wounds are still bleeding. I know its unhealthy to keep replaying the events in my head, but I cannot help it!

 

I will continue to hold my head high but the weight of it all keeps me down

Well my wisdom (of I can call it that) is mainly the insight that we can try to encourage you and make you feel that you are not alone. But unfortunately some things we have to do alone in life, as only you can feel what you feel. Unfortunately we also cannot force progress. When my ex broke up with me (fall 2013), it made me relive - due to particular circumstances - old trauma from my childhood. It made it very hard for me to work through the grief of things, as I was thrown back emotionally. It was only later when I fully realized this.

 

Sometimes we need to replay traumatic events, as we have dissociated things that have been too hard to process before. Ruminating and replaying can also be caused by your attachment-style or due to ptsd (I trust your therapist to be aware of that). It probably makes you feel like you never feel whole again. But believe me, it can only get better and even better than what you have known so far.