kkl12 Posted March 26, 2016 Posted March 26, 2016 My boyfriend and I have been together for over a year now and he says he loves me and his actions prove that. He was recently talking to his friend where I saw his messages and his friend said he would be asking girls for all their snapchats when he went on vacation and my boyfriend agreed, saying "yeah ask each and every one lool.' I got mad and he said I was right but he was only saying that to egg on his friend, it was easier than saying 'no I dont want to talk bout this I have a girlfriend'. I believed him because it doesn't seem in his character to actually do anything like that. He told me he was depressed with work and his choices after finishing school and wished he could get away. Then out of the blue he told me he was going to Mexico with that friend, which worries me because I have major trust issues in general, not from anything he has done in the past. But I am scared if his friend is there he will influence him to cheat? I have expressed my concerns to him while he was there and he told me there is nothing to worry about. He even drunk texted me saying he needs me and loves me and doesn't want anyone else only me. He sent me photos of the resort he was at and beside him i saw a girls arm and his guy friend. I started to become worried but he assured me that it was just a friend that his friend was starting to talk to. I guess if he had something to hide he wouldn't have let me see there was a girl in the picture, right? Anyways, I am besides myself with worry. He has been messaging me every few hours to reassure me and just to talk but my high anxiety wont let me relax. I know he loves me but people are also tempted in places like that. Should I be worried or just trust from his actions? If someone is cheating are they still normally loving and caring when they message you, or would they become distant? Any support would be great!
acrosstheuniverse Posted March 26, 2016 Posted March 26, 2016 I don't get the impression that your boyfriend has done anything to indicate he's going to cheat or that he's being dishonest in any way. He's actually putting up with a LOT by messaging you every few hours to reassure you, especially when your trust issues are yours and yours alone, not a result of anything he's done to you in the past. If he wants to cheat, he'll cheat in Mexico or at home. This truly one of those times where you need to get a handle on your insecurity and jealousy, or it'll never go away. You are way more likely to push him away from you and make him resent the relationship if you keep being insecure and jealous and seeking constant reassurance. Take this golden opportunity to allow yourself to feel the uncertainty you can't stand because every time you insist on contact or seek reassurance you're just fueling your insecurity. Get busy, get distracted, see your own friends and scale back on the frequency of contact, a couple times per day touching base is more than enough when the other person is on holiday. The drunk text he sent saying he needs and loves you and only wants you is a red flag in my book that he's getting frustrated with being doubted and questioned, he's trying to reassure you but you still don't trust him and it's truly an insult when your partner thinks so lowly of you that you can't be trusted when out of eyesight. Are you very young by any chance? The comment he said about encouraging his friend to ask for girls' snapchats was absolutely appropriate, he wasn't talking about HIM asking for girls contact details, but his friend. You really expect him to shut down anything related to other girls when talking to his single friends? And I have to ask... how on earth did you see those messages? Please tell me you didn't snoop. If you're in your teens then unfortunately, I think this kinda of jealousy is just kinda par for the course and does tend to ease off as you get older, in my teens I was the exact same, but now I'm nearing my thirties I'm pretty much the opposite, very live and let live, as long as you respect your relationship boundaries, go off and live your life, enjoy your friendships and don't try and unecessarily tie your partner down. If you're older though, twenties and onward, I'd say if you can't handle this insecurity yourself maybe look into some therapy, as if you don't get a handle on this you will forever be destroying your relationships and feeling miserable for no reason. 2
TheBathWater Posted March 26, 2016 Posted March 26, 2016 Doesn't sound like anything to worry too much about. If he hasn't given you reason to believe that he is the cheating type, this should work out fine. Based on the information you have provided here and my own experience of cheaters, it doesn't sound like he's going to do something unfaithful.
truth_seeker Posted March 26, 2016 Posted March 26, 2016 I can tell you that if the opportunity presents itself, your boyfriend will most definitely cheat. You're at home in wherever USA and he'll be in Mexico with his boys getting drunk and have many chances to get with drunk girls looking for sex. If I had a girlfriend and she was going to Vegas, LA, Miami, Mexico with her friends, I would break up with her. These vacations with the guys or girls are set up so people can get NSA sex then come home and continue their relationship like nothing ever happened. It's really hard to trust people today.
Author kkl12 Posted March 26, 2016 Author Posted March 26, 2016 Yes, I am only 19 so I'm pretty young. I have trust issues with anyone I have been with, but I am even more uneasy with my current boyfriend. I appreciate the comments saying he won't cheat, he posted some pictures of himself there on vacation and I noticed there was an unfamiliar girl who liked it. I know i sound like a crazy stalker but is it possible he added her from meeting her there? If so, does it mean anything or am I just being paranoid?
truth_seeker Posted March 26, 2016 Posted March 26, 2016 Yes, I am only 19 so I'm pretty young. I have trust issues with anyone I have been with, but I am even more uneasy with my current boyfriend. I appreciate the comments saying he won't cheat, he posted some pictures of himself there on vacation and I noticed there was an unfamiliar girl who liked it. I know i sound like a crazy stalker but is it possible he added her from meeting her there? If so, does it mean anything or am I just being paranoid? You're not paranoid. He's what? 19? 20? 21? Of course he's going to cheat. Everyone at your age cheats... both guys and girls. Don't label yourself a crazy stalker... it's your gut on alert that's making you act out like this.
Author kkl12 Posted March 26, 2016 Author Posted March 26, 2016 He hasnt been acting weird or anything though? And I messaged him saying if he does anything then tell me cause I have the right to know. If he is cheating how do I find out? IM worried sick here
AMJ Posted March 26, 2016 Posted March 26, 2016 You're not crazy, or a stalker for looking at your boyfriend's Facebook page...lol. People throw around the word stalker way too much. You care about him, and you want to know what he's up to on his trip, that's all. I disagree with truth seeker that, not all guys are going to go to spring break in Mexico and cheat on their girlfriends. But some will. If you have a gut feeling that he's one of those guys who will cheat, then you're probably right. If you've been together for a year and don't trust him to be faithful, that's not good. Lots of guys are perfectly capable of going on crazy vacations like this, and not cheating. At best maybe all he's doing is talking and flirting with drunk girls in bikinis at the pool and at the beach. Where in Mexico, anyway? Is this a foam-party resort or a jet-ski renting resort?
Author kkl12 Posted March 26, 2016 Author Posted March 26, 2016 I wish there was a way to tell. He showed me pictures and it looks like any other resort, he said there were alot of couples there and it made him miss me. I dont know if hes saying this to comfort me, I just dont know what to do in this situation, how to go forward from it. He already knows I am uncomfortable with him being there, I just don't want to be one of those girls stupid enough to believe hes not cheating if he really is. I can tell he means it when he says I love you but I dont know if that is enough to stop him.
AMJ Posted March 26, 2016 Posted March 26, 2016 Oh I meant, I can tell by the city he's in. Puerto Vallarta, Cancun, Cabo San Lucas...etc. Some are more wild than others.
Author kkl12 Posted March 26, 2016 Author Posted March 26, 2016 Cancun... I think spring break is over now though, isnt it? Yeah I think it looks pretty bad.
truth_seeker Posted March 26, 2016 Posted March 26, 2016 You're not crazy, or a stalker for looking at your boyfriend's Facebook page...lol. People throw around the word stalker way too much. You care about him, and you want to know what he's up to on his trip, that's all. I disagree with truth seeker that, not all guys are going to go to spring break in Mexico and cheat on their girlfriends. But some will. If you have a gut feeling that he's one of those guys who will cheat, then you're probably right. If you've been together for a year and don't trust him to be faithful, that's not good. Lots of guys are perfectly capable of going on crazy vacations like this, and not cheating. At best maybe all he's doing is talking and flirting with drunk girls in bikinis at the pool and at the beach. Where in Mexico, anyway? Is this a foam-party resort or a jet-ski renting resort? I agree with you AMJ with the overuse of the word stalker... I just created a thread using the word. ... There is a big difference between looking at someone's social media page that's out there for the world to see compared to following someone around IRL. Again, you're right not everyone cheats, but 99.99% of people who are young, good-looking, and have an opportunity to have sex and not get caught are going to do it. OP's gut is on fire for a reason.
Author kkl12 Posted March 26, 2016 Author Posted March 26, 2016 Ah, should I just break up with him then? I have no way to tell if he is cheating.. he is sending me nice messages saying he wishes he could take care of me.. But It's making me crazy that he is down there. I wonder if its possible to just forget about this when he comes back? Or should I end it? my stress over this is becoming too much.
AMJ Posted March 26, 2016 Posted March 26, 2016 No way 99%. I won't have it. I'm idealistic, sure. I think it's more like 50% and that's still really high. Yeah real stalking, like the actual definition of the word is super scary and illegal. Clicking around on social media is not scary. Isn't that one of the reasons we all have social media accounts? We want people to find us. Cancun is classier/pricier than some cities, so that's good! There's more to do there than strictly party, which is also good! Idk I mean...the fact that you're so stressed about it is telling in itself. That's more the issue than whatever he's actually doing in Cancun. He'll come home and tell you what happened, and you either get to believe he's telling the truth or not. What you should be thinking about, is why you're having doubts? It's got nothing to do with Mexico. What's going to happen the next time he wants to go on vacation with his friends? You want to sit around for a few days and feel like a prisoner to your own anxiety? This isn't good
acrosstheuniverse Posted March 26, 2016 Posted March 26, 2016 Ah, should I just break up with him then? I have no way to tell if he is cheating.. he is sending me nice messages saying he wishes he could take care of me.. But It's making me crazy that he is down there. I wonder if its possible to just forget about this when he comes back? Or should I end it? my stress over this is becoming too much. Yes, break up with him. He deserves a partner who trusts him when he's done absolutely nothing to suggest he's been unfaithful. Nobody deserves to be constantly doubted and questioned when they're just trying to live their life and have fun with their friends. If you don't trust him, and you clearly don't, end it so that he can find someone more mature and who isn't going to think he's such an awful person. 5
Author kkl12 Posted March 26, 2016 Author Posted March 26, 2016 I know what you mean.. I've always had anxiety that makes me assume the worst. Some of my friends are telling me I should break up with him because he may do something. He usually doesnt go out too much with his friends and if he goes to clubs he goes with me, I guess thats why Im so worried. I guess my real issue is if I can stay with him if im not sure hes done anything:(
AMJ Posted March 26, 2016 Posted March 26, 2016 Yes, break up with him. He deserves a partner who trusts him when he's done absolutely nothing to suggest he's been unfaithful. Nobody deserves to be constantly doubted and questioned when they're just trying to live their life and have fun with their friends. If you don't trust him, and you clearly don't, end it so that he can find someone more mature and who isn't going to think he's such an awful person. Don't assume that there's not an underlying reason she doesn't trust him. There's likely lots more to the story than the little paragraph she wrote about their year-long relationship. Maybe her trust-issues are all self-inflicted, but not necessarily. Sometimes we sense things are wrong and have a difficult time confronting reality. She's reacting to something bigger than his partytime week in Mexico. She just needs to figure out where the doubts are coming from. The snapchat thing you mentioned is kinda bothersome. I can see how he wants to be "fun" for his friends and encourage them to get girls' snapchats or whatever, but his response did sound a little eager.
smackie9 Posted March 26, 2016 Posted March 26, 2016 Him reassuring you, and us reassuring you is just enabling this behavior of yours. It's only a quick fix, but your anxiety is not going away. Your BF have been very patient but as time goes on, it's going to wear him down to the point of breaking up with you. Put yourself in his shoes for once....being scrutinized, having your privacy invaded, being constantly questioned, having to explain yourself and your whereabouts, is not a good feeling. If you don't have trust, you don't have a relationship. I was in his position and it felt like I was a prisoner. What yo are doing is a form of abuse. He is a human being, he should be able to socialize with the opposite sex, even if he is enjoying a vacation with a friend. If he chooses to cheat, that is something you cannot control no matter how much snooping, watching, spy, stalking, questioning you do. So you are just wasting your time. IMO you can't handle being in a relationship, and respect your Bfs privacy, so you are not by any means ready to be in a committed relationship with anyone. You have some more growing up to do, which is totally normal for someone your age. You are too young, and should experience life in other ways instead of having a BF. 3
smackie9 Posted March 26, 2016 Posted March 26, 2016 Ah, should I just break up with him then? I have no way to tell if he is cheating.. he is sending me nice messages saying he wishes he could take care of me.. But It's making me crazy that he is down there. I wonder if its possible to just forget about this when he comes back? Or should I end it? my stress over this is becoming too much. You should breakup up with him because of your trust issues, not because he could by some chance cheat on you. In all honesty he deserves better treatment than what you have been giving him. 1
Author kkl12 Posted March 26, 2016 Author Posted March 26, 2016 Yes, alot of my trust issues stem from what people have told me about him in the past. We worked together at the same place and my coworkers would tell me things like maybe you shouldn't trust him, and that he had a family, so I was wary when I first dated him. after getting to know him, I know that these were all purely rumours that came from their assumptions. Partly I think they assumed things because of his ethnicity, but I still let people's doubts get to me. The problem is they dont know him as well as I do, but it really gets to me.
katiegrl Posted March 26, 2016 Posted March 26, 2016 Ah, should I just break up with him then? I have no way to tell if he is cheating.. he is sending me nice messages saying he wishes he could take care of me.. But It's making me crazy that he is down there. I wonder if its possible to just forget about this when he comes back? Or should I end it? my stress over this is becoming too much. I would say the more he tries to *prove* to you he is NOT cheating .... indicates he IS cheating. It's like the husband who once he starts cheating, suddenly starts bringing home flowers, gifts, etc. for his wife. It's to throw her off so she doesn't suspect anything ... Same thing here... If he was not cheating, he would not be trying so hard to convince you he's not. 1
truth_seeker Posted March 26, 2016 Posted March 26, 2016 No way 99%. I won't have it. I'm idealistic, sure. I think it's more like 50% and that's still really high. Yeah real stalking, like the actual definition of the word is super scary and illegal. Clicking around on social media is not scary. Isn't that one of the reasons we all have social media accounts? We want people to find us. Cancun is classier/pricier than some cities, so that's good! There's more to do there than strictly party, which is also good! Idk I mean...the fact that you're so stressed about it is telling in itself. That's more the issue than whatever he's actually doing in Cancun. He'll come home and tell you what happened, and you either get to believe he's telling the truth or not. What you should be thinking about, is why you're having doubts? It's got nothing to do with Mexico. What's going to happen the next time he wants to go on vacation with his friends? You want to sit around for a few days and feel like a prisoner to your own anxiety? This isn't good I say 99.99% if the person feels they can get away with it. Why do you think people cheat on their spouses or partners when they go on business trips or trips with their friends only? Why do you think they came up with that marketing slogan: "What happens here, stays here" ??? I'm with you 100% about the stalking and social media... but I will add that I have social media to keep in contact with people I don't get to see often IRL. Some do it for attention.
truth_seeker Posted March 26, 2016 Posted March 26, 2016 The snapchat thing you mentioned is kinda bothersome. I can see how he wants to be "fun" for his friends and encourage them to get girls' snapchats or whatever, but his response did sound a little eager. Common, he's a young guy in Cancun with his buddies. There are horny, drunk girls from all over the country and the world there to party and get laid. It's all about meaningless, NSA fun and good riddance.
truth_seeker Posted March 26, 2016 Posted March 26, 2016 Spring Break is about one thing: NSA hook ups. If your boyfriend or girlfriend is on Spring Break and you're not there, assume the worst.
Bobbi7 Posted March 26, 2016 Posted March 26, 2016 He may say that he "won't" cheat, but c'mon, he will be in Mexico with friends, without you, get alcohol involved, hot babes in bikinis-walking on the beach, strip clubs, out of towners, anything can happen. I would have the same worries as you, I don't blame you.
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