PLT Posted March 26, 2016 Posted March 26, 2016 OK so I've been split from my gf of 3.5 years for a month now. She ghosted on me. I've messaged her a fair bit since then but have never had any response from her, at all. 3 days before she vanished, she told me loved me. Things had been tough for a while but I thought we were slowly working through it. Now there are a few things that don't add up and seem out of place to me. Firstly is obviously the fact that she just vanished without warning, which screams to me that either she feels guilty and doesn't want me to find something out and the best way to do that is to completely just cut me out, or she knows she treated me badly (which she did, although I fully accept the part I played too) and just doesn't want to be held accountable for it, or to let me have my say, if that makes sense. She used to "joke" about "my other man" a lot. At the end we are talking at every opportunity, 4 or 5 times EVERY time time I saw her. I mean at first it was funny, but it quite quickly stopped being funny and was actually starting to erode my trust in her. I tried to speak to her about it but then I was "the most insecure man on earth". When I asked her "So is there another man?" it was "What kind of woman do you think I am?" She told me she broke up with her ex before me in November 2011, and yet she went away for a weekend with him in April 2012. I only discovered this 3 years into our relationship. I asked her about it and she could give no explanation as to why she went away for a weekend with a person who she, according to her couldnt bear to look at from Nov 2011. A fortnight before valentines, we had a long phone talk, about where we go from here and so on, we had been arguing a lot. Mainly I might add because she seemed to decide that I had done something, or thought something, and nothing could convince her otherwise, even though she was always wrong. For example, she would say "You don't care about me"..this after me doing EVERYTHING in my power to keep the relationship alive. Despite all the evidence that I DID care about her, like driving 40 miles to drop her off some soup and flu pills when she was feeling ill (4 days before vanishing!), she had it in her head that I didn't and that was that. I can't even begin to describe how confusing this is. It feels crazy typing it all out. So anyway, during this long phone talk, she started crying and said "I'm sorry". She rarely apologized and to be honest, in the 6 years I had known her it felt like the only REAL apology I got from her. I asked her what for and she said "I don't know. Well I do know but I don't want to discuss it". I pressed but never got an answer why she was sorry. A week later, we were having another talk, I went over to hers and one of her sexy lingerie outfits was hanging up on a rail. I said something like "Ooo don't do that to me, making me horny!" as we hadn't had sex for about a month, she said "My clothes do need washing you know". Now it's just occured to me over the past few weeks that I hadnt seen her in that lingerie for months. Why would it need washing unless she had been wearing it? Finally, before all this, something kicked off a bit when I texted her on a sunday night around 8pm, around 11pm i got a snotty reply saying "its late, got work in the morning, call me at a reasonable hour", then at 1am I saw she was logged onto facebook. I said to her a couple of days later, why get snotty with me about it being late and then be on fb 2 hours later? At first she denied it "I WAS ASLEEP!", that then changed to "I was seriously ill and couldn't sleep" (although she went out the following night, Monday), which then changed to "How insecure are you, you are ruining it, even my colleagues (who dont know me i might add) think you're insecure" (Yeah, nice touch eh?) Back in September, after an argument, she tried to contact her ex fwb from 4 or 5 years ago from the time she tried to contact him. That in my opinion is when it all started going wrong. She poisoned our relationship doing that, added that seed of doubt to the complete trust I had in her. She used to be so chatty, she hated going a day without being in contact with me. It was nice. Since August / September it has slowly degenerated with me always being the one to ask "so when am i seeing you next". Slowly there were more "I'm busy this week". Nothing more than that, just busy. I was dropping down the list of priorities like a rock. All this time, I was doing my damndest to try and make the relationship better, but it only seemed to get worse. And now we're at the point where she hasn't even told me shes dumped me, just left me to work it out for myself. That's hard. I think I'm starting to realize that the cute, kind, caring, funny woman I fell in love with was fake, and it took me almost 3 years to start seeing the "real" her. The only 3 things I can think of that make the whole situation make sense is 1) She cheated 2) She wanted to cheat 3) She wanted me to think she was cheating so I would walk and make it easy for her to end the relationship Or alternatively, I'm reading far too much into it all. In court it would be circumstantial evidence but what does LS think?
bathtub-row Posted March 26, 2016 Posted March 26, 2016 (edited) Ok, first of all, I'm assuming you know for a fact that she's alive and well. Because who on earth just disappears from a 3.5 year relationship without a word? My first thought is that perhaps something bad has happened to her. So, assuming she's not lying in a ditch somewhere, it sounds like the two of you had a very contentious relationship that I doubt could be fixed. And if she really did just disappear without a word, then I say consider the relationship over. I know it must hurt like crazy but it's a pretty sorry person indeed who will pull a stunt like that. I would want answers but it's not something I'd forgive. And, yes, it does sound like she was cheating. I'm not sure why you guys were still dating after this long but why didn't marriage come up? Usually if a couple has been together for a year or so, they either plan to marry or separate. Probably a lot of her insecurity about whether you cared or not was because you didn't seem interested in marrying her. Not sure, but that's the first thing that jumped out at me. And if someone ghosted me after a 3.5 year relationship, I wouldn't be texting or calling. I'd be at their door trying to get answers. Edited March 26, 2016 by bathtub-row 1
Blue08 Posted March 26, 2016 Posted March 26, 2016 first, I am sorry you are going through this, and that you don't have the answers you want and you may not ever know for sure. I think go with your hunch, there is a reason you feel this way and if she cared and loved you like she said she did, she would make an effort to help void your insecurities. If you found out for sure what would it change? Even if she told you she did not cheat, would you believe her? Seems to me her actions are speaking louder than words. I would say stop trying to contact her immediately, it seems as though she is not sure what she wants and she is dragging you a long and you shouldn't give her the benefit of being available to her when she isn't for you. 1
Author PLT Posted March 26, 2016 Author Posted March 26, 2016 She's definitely alive and well. She is reading my fb messages to her. She hasn't blocked me, told me to stop contacting her, or even that it's over, even though it obviously is now. We are both in our 40's and live 40 miles apart. She has commitments her end (mortgage) and I have commitments mine (young son). We were both happy for the time being to leave it as is, although I THOUGHT we were committed to each other. I have pretty much begged her to talk to me, reminded her that we were so happy together not that long ago and so on. All with zero response. No remorse. No shame. Nothing. If I turned up on her door shed be calling me a stalker as well as all the other **** she's said about me. It is VERY tempting though. Now all I want is a "closure talk" where we talk like we used to, are honest and open with each other about where it all went wrong, say our goodbyes and part on better terms than this. This is just torture. I gave her everything of me, I allowed myself to share my innermost thoughts and feelings with her, some things only SHE knew. And she just exploited that and has now left me broken with no answers. I want to leave it a couple weeks then ask her if we can talk, maybe I SHOULD just turn up on the doorstep demanding answers. But then she'd just slam the door in my face and I'd be back to square one and with even less of my dignity intact.
Author PLT Posted March 26, 2016 Author Posted March 26, 2016 This is what I want to send / tell her. It all makes sense. Why you said sorry on the phone but wouldn't tell me why. Why that night I was over yours till 5am you had that sexy underwear hanging up in full view that I hadn't seen you in for months saying that it had been washed. Why would it need washing if you hadn't worn it recently? Why you were suddenly "busy" all the time. I know what you've done, and that is why you have just vanished after 3 and a half years. The truth will out. But I also want to send this to her: Look, I get that it's over, but don't you think it'd be better for us both if we could meet up, talk (not fight), say our goodbyes and part ways in a better way than this?
bathtub-row Posted March 26, 2016 Posted March 26, 2016 If you know she has read your messages and she still hasn't responded, then I'd just leave it alone. In case you hadn't noticed, she's a complete ass to be doing this to you. I can imagine how much it hurts but she's a lousy person, if you ask me. I'm sorry this has happened to you. She's a worthless piece of you-know-what. 3
faithfully Posted March 26, 2016 Posted March 26, 2016 what a cruel thing to do to someone. just go NC on her ass and keep it that way. 2
Zahara Posted March 26, 2016 Posted March 26, 2016 (edited) Look, I get that it's over, but don't you think it'd be better for us both if we could meet up, talk (not fight), say our goodbyes and part ways in a better way than this? Why would you want anything to do with a woman that disrespected you so badly? If anything you're acting like a doormat. It's a turn-off and incredibly unattractive. Please, hold on to your dignity and self-respect. Imagine, your son being treated disrespectfully by a woman. Would you tell him to keep chasing her? Or would you tell him to walk away and move on? Apply the advice to yourself. Edited March 26, 2016 by Zahara 1
BC1980 Posted March 26, 2016 Posted March 26, 2016 Look, I get that it's over, but don't you think it'd be better for us both if we could meet up, talk (not fight), say our goodbyes and part ways in a better way than this? It doesn't really matter if it would be better to meet up because I think it's pretty obvious that she does not want to meet up and talk about things. She apparently has no intention of saying any kind of goodbye. It's pretty despicable, but there you have it. And yeah, she might have been cheating on you. I've seen several stories like this one over the year where the person just vanished. It turned out they were cheating. 2
Author PLT Posted March 26, 2016 Author Posted March 26, 2016 Well I've now blocked her on facebook. So no more messages. I've really nothing left to say anyway, I'd just be repeating myself at this point. The way she acted and things she said in January / February, I'm convinced she was cheating, even though I REALLY don't want to believe it. I used to work for law enforcement and you know what they say, follow the evidence. I sent her a final message saying it all makes sense, I know what she did, and she knows what she did too hence the vanishing act, then blocked her. I hope she gets paranoid that I'm gonna blow the lid off it . Yeah I'm bitter, it'll pass. I'll not seek revenge though. What goes around comes around, and more importantly, I know that regardless of what I feel right now, in the long run I will be much happier without her poison in my life. It's just hard to reconcile the person I thought I knew for the previous 5 years, and who she has turned out to be. But there's nothing I can do about that so no point dwelling on it I guess.
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