fitnessfan365 Posted March 26, 2016 Posted March 26, 2016 (edited) First let me say that this is not "friends with benefits". This is when someone who has romantic interest in you, suggests friendship after you reject them. Do you take them up on it, or walk away? Would love to get opinions on this because my buddy and I got into yet another debate over this today. My position is that you should walk away. Whenever a woman that I have no interest in has expressed feelings, I am honest that I don't feel the same. Then when she brings up remaining friends after that, I decline. The more time you spend with someone, the more their feelings grow over time for someone they can't have. So remaining friends seems like a cruel way of leading them on. My buddy sees nothing wrong with it. He'll meet a woman using OLD. In person she's just not his type physically..at all. She'll make her interest known, he is honest that it's not a good fit, and she suggests remaining friends. Now common sense says that it's just to spend more time and change his mind. Especially when they set up 1/1 public dates aka "hang outs" on Fri/Sat nights, she pays his way, he accepts gifts she buys, etc.. He'll even have them over to his place for the sole purpose of watching a movie and nothing else. These are genuinely women he has no sexual attraction to at all. I've asked him repeatedly if he ever feels guilty and he says no because he was honest upfront that he had no attraction/interest from the get go. He just can't seem to grasp that he is misleading these women and playing with their emotions for the sake of stroking his own ego. Edited March 26, 2016 by fitnessfan365
privategal Posted March 26, 2016 Posted March 26, 2016 I guess everyones different...I guess might as well not start if she will get hurt. But women make great friends so they are valuable. I was able to overcome rejection and be platonic friends. As long as you are not touching her, too many hugs, expressions of affection..talk about other girls, dont call, email text too much...boundaries...its possible. Some girls can handle it trust me. A girl who clearly, clearly is smitten...its cruel to stroke ego by having her over. She IS thinking she will grow on him, he will see...and every kind expression seems like validation he cares and theres a chance. Gotta really consider each situation carefully. I hated my now husband before we were married...we worked together for awhile...eventually he grew on me as a friend...then somewhere along the way We found love. I was shocked, Id NEVER consider dating him at first nooo!! He is PERFECT and we are still best friends and he is fun, sweet, kind, understanding.... Date your best friend!!
Emilia Posted March 26, 2016 Posted March 26, 2016 Maybe because I'm a woman, I don't understand how it's an ego stroke if he doesn't find them attractive.
elaine567 Posted March 26, 2016 Posted March 26, 2016 Maybe because I'm a woman, I don't understand how it's an ego stroke if he doesn't find them attractive. It is not about him finding them attractive, it is about them finding HIM attractive.
Emilia Posted March 26, 2016 Posted March 26, 2016 It is not about him finding them attractive, it is about them finding HIM attractive. But most people don't care about those that they don't find attractive. You see posts here to that effect all the time.
elaine567 Posted March 26, 2016 Posted March 26, 2016 But most people don't care about those that they don't find attractive. You see posts here to that effect all the time. They perhaps don't "care" about the individual, but everyone likes to think someone finds them attractive even if it not mutual. Some people love having "orbiters", people they would never think of dating, but they like to keep some "besotted" girl or guy hanging around to boost their ego.
Timshel Posted March 26, 2016 Posted March 26, 2016 I agree with you FF. I suppose a person could do that ego centered dance (not me) if they are single. In a committed relationship though, as you are, no....just no. As much for the sake of not being a jerk, single or not, also for the sake of the person who is kidding themselves and sometimes not....that they really want to be 'just friends.'
Emilia Posted March 26, 2016 Posted March 26, 2016 They perhaps don't "care" about the individual, but everyone likes to think someone finds them attractive even if it not mutual. Some people love having "orbiters", people they would never think of dating, but they like to keep some "besotted" girl or guy hanging around to boost their ego. I think this is more true for women than men. I'm curious to see the OP's response.
losangelena Posted March 26, 2016 Posted March 26, 2016 Woman here. This is an interesting debate. I can see where you're coming from, FF, but my own experience makes me come down on your friend's side of the argument. I've had two instances where I've gotten over romantic feelings for a guy and have stayed friends with him. I think the key here though is time. In both instances, when it became clear that they were not romantically interested, there was a period of separation where we didn't see each other at all and feelings were allowed to die down. Also (well, one lives in the Middle East now), it's not like I became BFFs with either of them; we see each other occasionally or in larger social groups. The boundary is pretty clear—we're friends. Romantic feelings are not continuing to grow.
carhill Posted March 26, 2016 Posted March 26, 2016 IMO, if there's common interests for the basis of a friendship and the person suggests it, that particular friendship could work and be healthy. Some people can put aside infatuation; some can't. If the process is transparent and they can put it aside and focus on shared interests and other compatible aspects of platonic friendship, well there ya go. If not, then it's not truly a platonic friendship and would be dealt with as an unrequited infatuation. As all my past platonic female friends were either married or had boyfriends, I doubt any were 'wanting more' with me but since I can't read minds I don't know for sure. I do know we had some really good times together and they bolstered my faith in women during times it was markedly shaky. I've never been a collector so wouldn't lead on women whom had expressed unrequited romantic feelings but could envision a type of male personality who does that since men are all individuals. I couldn't envision that dynamic as a true friendship though.
preraph Posted March 26, 2016 Posted March 26, 2016 I have had friendships before that worked okay, and I don't know what was going on in all their heads, but I enjoyed most of those friends. I did have one that was problematic. But when younger, I had male friends I worked with who I'd go to lunch with and to concerts with. I also had younger guys who were just thought it was cool to hang out with me and my roommate. With the rare exception of one of the work ones occasionally buying lunch, there weren't any gifts or bribes involved. Some of these guys stepped forward to support me after a bad breakup. They fulfilled different roles, but I think they'd have been there for me one way or another. I've also had guys who were hookups who remained long-term friends, not close friends but enough that I know if I got in trouble, they'd be there if needed. There was one that was very puzzling, a very good looking guy, could have had just about any woman, and he kept wanting to hang out and we even went to overnight concerts and things, but he never once put the moves on me. However, he did get overly involved in my personal life in ways that would take a book to explain. I still don't think it was because he wanted me because once 4 of us were supposed to go to an amusement park and the others backed out so he and I went and he never once touched me even riding rides. But he did seem to like to get in the middle of things with men I had love relationships with, but more like getting personal with whoever their ex was or that sort of thing, and gossiping a LOT for a man. I would just say if the signs are there that a person is desperate, buying gifts, making up excuses to "need" you or just always initiating, then it's best to avoid that. But if you have something you really connect about, like music or some other interest that makes them really valuable as a friend and all things seem equal and neither of you is placing your life on hold for the other, then maybe you can just be friends. Sometimes you form a bond with someone you can't make a life with, too, someone that there was love, and I have a relationship like that still from decades ago, a person you just feel played a big role in your life and that you have lots in common and years of memories (in my case, working together) and you just don't feel right not keeping up with them. If you're both mature and have some self-control, you can be friends. I'm enjoying this friendship after years of strife about the guy. Me and him and his wife are going to a concert together soon. He and I went alone to one last year, with his wife's knowledge. I think after this long, she understands the connection. So it depends on both people, plus it depends on who they then select to marry and whether they are secure enough to let them maintain their friendships. I don't fault them if they don't. I'm suspicious by nature, so I get it. But I came from a generation that embraced their freedom, and I think there was a mindset there that just acknowledged that the more people you love who love you, the better.
Author fitnessfan365 Posted March 26, 2016 Author Posted March 26, 2016 Maybe because I'm a woman, I don't understand how it's an ego stroke if he doesn't find them attractive. I was saying it's a stroke to his ego keeping women around who like him. I mean I get it. It feels good to be wanted. Also, I get the word of mouth factor in it. They talk him up to their friends, and he may want to date one of them, etc.. Also, if he was planning lunches, always insisted on going dutch, never accepted gifts, didn't tease "Netflix and Chill" with a platonic movie night, etc. then I would agree he's communicating he only wants friendship. However, his actions seem cruel and misleading to me. Now I am not a mind reader, so I have no idea what these women are thinking. But it only makes sense that they keep getting their hopes up and more attached with each passing time. I mean he's got women in his life that are in love with him and still want to be with him two years later. So knowing that, how do you not feel guilty constantly teasing dating like scenarios?
losangelena Posted March 26, 2016 Posted March 26, 2016 I was saying it's a stroke to his ego keeping women around who like him. I mean I get it. It feels good to be wanted. Also, I get the word of mouth factor in it. They talk him up to their friends, and he may want to date one of them, etc.. Also, if he was planning lunches, always insisted on going dutch, never accepted gifts, didn't tease "Netflix and Chill" with a platonic movie night, etc. then I would agree he's communicating he only wants friendship. However, his actions seem cruel and misleading to me. Now I am not a mind reader, so I have no idea what these women are thinking. But it only makes sense that they keep getting their hopes up and more attached with each passing time. I mean he's got women in his life that are in love with him and still want to be with him two years later. So knowing that, how do you not feel guilty constantly teasing dating like scenarios? In this case, yeah it's lame. If your intentions are platonic, and you ACT platonically towards the other, and it's understood that there's no romantic interest, then great, it's copacetic. What your friend is doing sounds kinda shady though, in my mind. However, if I were the woman in that situation, I would take myself out of it because I would not want to get hurt. They're just as complicit in their own heartbreak, then. 1
Author fitnessfan365 Posted March 26, 2016 Author Posted March 26, 2016 In this case, yeah it's lame. If your intentions are platonic, and you ACT platonically towards the other, and it's understood that there's no romantic interest, then great, it's copacetic. What your friend is doing sounds kinda shady though, in my mind. However, if I were the woman in that situation, I would take myself out of it because I would not want to get hurt. They're just as complicit in their own heartbreak, then. Yeah I agree. They are choosing to accept the situation. Just like it's his choice how he interacts with women. I am just constantly surprised by : 1) How much denial these women are in. 2) Him not feeling he's doing anything remotely wrong. On one hand, he's being fully honest about having no interest whatsoever. But I personally believe you should either walk away entirely, or show with your actions it's completely platonic. You don't do that by planning what are basically dates, accepting gifts, having her over to just watch a movie,etc.. You keep it in public, do things like lunches, always go dutch, etc.. I'd personally feel guilty as hell knowing a woman had feelings for me and continuing to let her buy me things, pay my way, go out with her solo on a Fri/Sat night, when I only saw her as a friend.
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