Feeling lonely an unloveable; any advise would be great

[yingggyang]

I've [M 21] always have been a pretty happy guy and haven't had trouble seeing things in a positive light; however recently times have changed for me and I find it hard to find self worth. I believe it stems from my breakup with my ex gf (22) ; we dated for around 4 years and even got a house and pets together. I absolutely loved her, I would do anything for this woman and I had felt that she felt a good love towards me and cared for me and my well being. We had so much in common and were even the same in that we could just be alone together without saying much and be perfectly happy in each other's company. Long story short I gave her all of my love and she cheated on me with one of her friends who had become my friend through her, breaking up with me out of the blue, but I later found out what the real reason was. After that I had moved back in with my parents (moved out with my band/friends after about three months), started working out, got a second job, and put a lot more time into the band that I'm currently in. I felt good, like I was doing right in self improvement. I felt like I was actually over her within about four months of the breakup. And felt like I was doing something with my life and felt good and happy.

Now I had mentioned the band before, I love playing music and being in a band. All three of us (band members) live together as well. One night after we got done playing a show, an attractive girl had come up to me and we started talking. Long story short, we end up dating. I told her all about my last relationship and everything. I didn't go into this relationship thinking "this girl is the one" right away or anything like that; but I gave it my best that I could at the time. Everything seemed like it was going pretty okay, not splendid, but okay; I have the two jobs and band so it's hard for me to find time to give to many people. But she had broken up with me after about 3 months of dating saying that she wants someone who can be there more and have more conversation with.

About 2-3 weeks after we had broke up I found my roommate/band member/friend and her are a thing. I told him I don't care that they see each other and I want both of them to be happy; but I don't want to see it. He understood. I really didn't care too much, I love my friend and he has never had a serious girlfriend or relationship. And I want my ex to have someone who's a good person in her life. I just don't want to see it

Fast forward to present time and she is over (not all the time but maybe once every week or so) and comes to some of our shows. It bothers me when I see them hitting it off so great and developing a love that I feel like I could have had with her. I feel so damn lonely and unloveable and like no one cares for me. Our band is on tour right now and we are not going to be back in state for a few more days. I like that I can travel, but I feel so lost and lonely having no one miss me and no one to talk to from back home and no one to come back home to, I guess I just don't know how to get out of this feeling of loneliness and feeling like I'm not going to meet someone that I'll love as much as my first ex. I'm sorry this was so long but it would be nice just to hear from anyone cause I pretty much only have friends that are in the band.

Edited March 26, 2016 by yingggyang

[FlipMonkey]

You know, so many of your points about moving on, improving yourself and then suddenly feeling lonely just sound far too familiar to me.

 

I too have spent considerable time rebuilding my life and health after a break-up, and had periods where everything just seems great. But then you just get these periods of loneliness and worthlessness out of no where...

 

I like to think it's just part of the process of growing and really becoming something more - you need to experience these emotions and pain to then give yourself a chance of developing the ability to handle it when it comes up, and from there develop a new sense of confidence. Basically it's the pain of growing into a better person - much the same kind of pain and sacrifice that goes into making you fitter.

 

So what to do when this happens? Sometimes I am just alone and don't have anyone to talk to at that specific time, so I sit there and just sit with my emotions and feel them. Just acknowledge they are there and I just feel this way. No right, no wrong, just is. And it's ok to feel lonely and not worthy - at the moment. After some time, it passes on and I get up and get on with doing something (actually I just had a period of it just then, and now I'm writing my experience to someone on the Internet, which is already showing me that I have some worth!) and then you almost forgot you felt that way 15 minutes later...

 

And then there's the times when I am around people - So I just start talking to anyone else (even strangers) and just get chatting, and really make an effort to get to know them and ask questions. Once you do it a few times, it becomes easier! It's amazing that once you start connecting to other people how quickly the loneliness goes, and then once you really start to get the subconscious feedback from someone else that they're enjoying a conversation with you, you lose the worthlessness too. You don't need a girlfriend or partner to connect to other people - you can connect with perfect strangers and enjoy the company of many.

 

It's not easy, and a lot of the above has come to me more naturally than being forced, but it's kept me sane after my breakup!

 

As for the never meeting anyone better than your Ex... I think we all feel this and it can go for sometime. Just know that one it's a trick of your mind with chemicals to try and make you bond with someone. It will fade with time, and also you now have the opportunity to meet new people, and being quite young, you have plenty of time to meet someone even better than your Ex!

[yingggyang]

Thank you for responding, you don't know how much you helped out; it's gonna take time I think but yes, I'm going to take it day by day and try to keep improving myself and not worry about finding someone, because they will find me if I keep doing my thing. I'm going to have to try hard to not get in that negative thought loop, but when I do I will let it happen and experience it all

[FlipMonkey]

Don't be afraid to come back and let us know how you're going. I'm having a few low days myself, and the negative talk is quite strong - it's amazing how much the negative talk and fear can really eat into you.

 

 

In these times I also try and focus on one of my passions/hobbies as well - just giving yourself to something can really help look outside yourself.

 

 

I'm also trying to get more active in my community with volunteering etc - basically give some of my time to help others - it's a great chance to talk with strangers and really help out other people too.

[yingggyang]

Thank you very much, I've been doing alright, I got sick for a week or so a few days after my last post so I've been focusing on physically healing lol. But yeah, I've been going day by day trying to stay positive and keeping my head up. There is plenty of opportunity around to do many things that I, as a lone individual, can enjoy. I have faith that I will not end up alone in this game of life and that someone, somehow, will hopefully appear in my life at the right time. I find myself sometimes contemplating the thought of talking to my ex as she still "wanted to stay friends" but I'm pretty sure that I don't want someone who has done me wrong in my life as a friend, but there is the deep connection we shared, and understand each other to a good degree. Ultimately I just keep up no contact, even when she has contacted me. I'm trying to find ways to meet new people too, I don't have a very large friend group and pretty much all of them are guys. I would like to make more female friends (just friends... Seriously lol) but I have no idea where/how to even go about that. So overall I've been keeping at the positivity and small amount of exploration in my life while trying not to worry about looking for a relationship at this moment.

[FlipMonkey]

Sounds great what you're doing, and I'd just say keep it up if it's making you happier!

 

 

I'm also going through a bit of a phase at the moment where I really want to reach out to the Ex and talk to her, and sometimes the intensity is so strong it can be overwhelming, but I'm keeping strong to not doing so and just continuing to live my life the best I can!

 

 

I keep the idea in my head that one day I'll share that extremely strong connection with someone again, and in the meantime I just need to make myself the best possible version of me and enjoy the moment of freedom!