Fruitee Posted March 26, 2016 Posted March 26, 2016 ^ Dont put your self down. This guy is using you. There is nothing wrong at being gentle and caring. Just dont spend it on someone who dont care.
Timshel Posted March 26, 2016 Posted March 26, 2016 I'm sorry, I'll answer to all of the posters, but I'm helping my dad with moving and only managed to address the shortest one yet Understood. Good luck with that. All I can say is to think of what you, Lorenza, want in a relationship with a person. What does this look like and feel like for you? Most importantly, once you know what you want, do you have it with this guy? Don't settle Lorenza. If you stay with him, then stay being honest and having a relationship that is worth the effort....because all relationships require effort. It's whether a relationship is worthy or not and your needs are being met. Best wishes
ExpatInItaly Posted March 26, 2016 Posted March 26, 2016 I don't have the panick attacks anymore and handle it calm this time. The thing is that I'm a very gentle hearted person and I always feel this pity for people I'm close to. Also always tend to be the one to take care of crippled and broken things. I want to break up with him then I think about the things he got through and I'm like "awww poor him, how can I leave him". I literally can't feel anger and hatred for more than 10 min. But I think that I will start taking steps towards ending it, cause indeed it is getting toxic. So tired of putting up with things.. He's not going to disintegrate and fall apart if you walk away. Your desire to sick around actually is about your ego, in the sense that you want to feel needed by him. It hurts you when you see he doesn't actually need you. He's going to be just fine. And you will be better for it. Don't waste your energy on someone who doesn't give the same care and consideration to you. He has many other priorities ahead of you and he doesn't feel bad about it. That's not ADHD. That's just him being a jerk. He isn't going to change, OP. The sooner you accept that, the sooner you can detach. He'll try to pull you in and promise he'll change, but as you've seen, those promises aren't serious. He cares too much about meeting his own needs to give a hoot about yours.
Author Lorenza Posted March 26, 2016 Author Posted March 26, 2016 Yeah, he is treating you like a side chick while you are giving him complete and utter bf experience. Stop that for sure. I don't want to kick you when you are down but now you are throwing in his past relationships as an excuse and factoring it into his and your reasoning. You are putting too many variables into your reasoning. Keep it simple: he is not treating you like he is making an investment into a future with you. He doesn't treat you well and you are not happy. Period. End of story. The rest is all fluff. Even if there is the tiniest bit of truth to these excuses, if you buy into them, you are excusing behavior that ultimately is not GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU and will not work long term. The thing I said about past relationships was something he told me when we got back together after that breakup last month. That he realized most of his relationships ended the same way, either him ending it cause the girl was too demanding (which, I am 100% was just him not investing), or his gf ending it cause he didn't have time for her. He said he always blamed the girlfriends but now started realizing that it might be his own patter. No kidding... And now he's back to destroying a relationship again. He wrote back to me a couple of hours ago, that he has full blown anxiety, he's feeling like the time is running out for him, even answering to me makes him anxious and stressed. I didn't answer back and not gonna reach out until I make my mind on how to carry on. Yes, I do see that this is not going to work long term. I'm thinking of different situations, like me giving birth to a child and him getting anxious, baling out and needing days of alone time, while I'm be left with all responsibilities on my own. From what I've seen this a very plausible scenario and many others too. 1
Author Lorenza Posted March 26, 2016 Author Posted March 26, 2016 Lorenza, is your BF drinking a lot or using drugs? I'm asking because my alcoholic ex behaved somewhat similarly (hot/cold, scattered, would tell me he codes till late at night, have insomnia). when I moved in with him i discovered it was ALL side effects of his alcoholism. His schedule was inverted because he'll stay up to drink till 5 am (in our living room!), and when doing so, he didn't want me to be around... I could be totally wrong but the similarity is significant. He doesn't drink much, except for some occasional beers on weekends. The only drugs he's using is the one for his mental instability and insomnia, which are quite messed up on their own too. Makes him drowsy and numb. In your case maybe the guy lived alone with no one to monitor him before you moved in, but mine is staying at his parents place and they would definitely notice if something like that was up
preraph Posted March 26, 2016 Posted March 26, 2016 I agree with you all, that I have let things be on his terms and it has now become a pattern. After his realization about his previous relationships and why they failed, I thought he'd do more to keep this one... But either his mental things (and now - health complications) come in the way, or he is just completely oblivious to what is an appropriate behavior somtimes. Because he's fully aware I've got option and can leave, but still doesn't cherish me. Give him one chance, though. He isn't a mind reader. It doesn't sound like he is really wanting to try, but give it one chance and let him know specifically what you need. Like him to listen, him to be flexible sometimes and make an effort to meet you half way with schedules and other things. Spell it out and give him a chance to think it through. If he can't do it, move on.
katiegrl Posted March 26, 2016 Posted March 26, 2016 Give him one chance, though. He isn't a mind reader. It doesn't sound like he is really wanting to try, but give it one chance and let him know specifically what you need. Like him to listen, him to be flexible sometimes and make an effort to meet you half way with schedules and other things. Spell it out and give him a chance to think it through. If he can't do it, move on. She already has let him know, given him many chances, numerous times in fact ....it's just same ole, same ole. Nothing is ever gonna change, everything is on HIS terms, Lorenza knows it's time to finally walk away. Enough is enough. She should have walked away months ago.... 1
Timshel Posted March 26, 2016 Posted March 26, 2016 She already has let him know, given him many chances, numerous times in fact ....it's just same ole, same ole. Nothing is ever gonna change, everything is on HIS terms, Lorenza knows it's time to finally walk away. Enough is enough. She should have walked away months ago.... I agree with you Katie....but does Lorenza know? It's one thing for our suggestions and the distance that we have. Sometimes it takes a while to cut the cord and walk away. She should but it is her decision to make and follow through.
katiegrl Posted March 26, 2016 Posted March 26, 2016 I agree with you Katie....but does Lorenza know? It's one thing for our suggestions and the distance that we have. Sometimes it takes a while to cut the cord and walk away. She should but it is her decision to make and follow through. Oh I realize that Timshel.... and I would not have posted that if Lorenza herself had not admitted that she knows it's time to walk ... and is trying to find the strength to do so. Her last post, or a couple of posts back. And yeah I think I mentioned in my first post that no matter what I or anyone else thinks, at the end of the day, it's her call to make. Just trying to transfer some of my strength (or *sassiness* as she called it) over to her... since again she said she wished she had more ... so she *could* walk. That's all. 1
No_Go Posted March 26, 2016 Posted March 26, 2016 My ex used to live with his ex-gf before he met me (he pretended she's a roommate but that's a different story) All said, even living with parents he can be abusing drugs/alcohol, especially if he has already prescription pills that could be blamed for weird moods. Watch for: -inversion of schedules (sleeps during the day) -very confident vs very closed up in different times of the day -desire to be 'left alone' (that was the tell-tale sign for my ex - he NEEDED alone time to get his supplies - alcohol, and yeah, prescription pills as well, because he'd know that I'd be upset if I see him. SO he would just try to avoid me to get hammered - in his case it would initially show as an extreme confidence only at that times). Sorry if I'm iterating the same thing but your BF's behavior is sketchy - i really don't think it is because he doesn't like you, I bet money is related to his health conditions and/or addictions. He doesn't drink much, except for some occasional beers on weekends. The only drugs he's using is the one for his mental instability and insomnia, which are quite messed up on their own too. Makes him drowsy and numb. In your case maybe the guy lived alone with no one to monitor him before you moved in, but mine is staying at his parents place and they would definitely notice if something like that was up
Author Lorenza Posted March 27, 2016 Author Posted March 27, 2016 My ex used to live with his ex-gf before he met me (he pretended she's a roommate but that's a different story) All said, even living with parents he can be abusing drugs/alcohol, especially if he has already prescription pills that could be blamed for weird moods. Watch for: -inversion of schedules (sleeps during the day) -very confident vs very closed up in different times of the day -desire to be 'left alone' (that was the tell-tale sign for my ex - he NEEDED alone time to get his supplies - alcohol, and yeah, prescription pills as well, because he'd know that I'd be upset if I see him. SO he would just try to avoid me to get hammered - in his case it would initially show as an extreme confidence only at that times). Sorry if I'm iterating the same thing but your BF's behavior is sketchy - i really don't think it is because he doesn't like you, I bet money is related to his health conditions and/or addictions. I understand where you're coming from, but I really don't think he'd have time for any substance abuse - he is in school with lots of assignments and have recently won a 3rd place an online competition for graphic designers which he worked a lot for. I don't think he'd manage to do all those things if he drank or used drugs. But the symptoms you named are really similar though. Yes, this behavior is super sketchy, but he was like that even before he started taking the meds for his mental instability. Like he's constantly talking about "running out of time". Really weird.
Author Lorenza Posted March 27, 2016 Author Posted March 27, 2016 Oh I realize that Timshel.... and I would not have posted that if Lorenza herself had not admitted that she knows it's time to walk ... and is trying to find the strength to do so. Her last post, or a couple of posts back. And yeah I think I mentioned in my first post that no matter what I or anyone else thinks, at the end of the day, it's her call to make. Just trying to transfer some of my strength (or *sassiness* as she called it) over to her... since again she said she wished she had more ... so she *could* walk. That's all. Hehe, thanks for sending me some of your sassiness I've stopped writing to him since Friday night and this is the longest I've been silent. Just trying to gather my thoughts and getting back some of my dignity by not contacting him
ExpatInItaly Posted March 27, 2016 Posted March 27, 2016 Hehe, thanks for sending me some of your sassiness I've stopped writing to him since Friday night and this is the longest I've been silent. Just trying to gather my thoughts and getting back some of my dignity by not contacting him I think you're doing the best thing for yourself by staying away. Whether by choice or not, he cannot offer you the stable and consistent love you're looking for. He's made it clear that it's a pattern and he's not really interested in changing. It's not a match. Time to really detach, for good. 1
Author Lorenza Posted April 3, 2016 Author Posted April 3, 2016 I promise this is a last thread about this guy. But I felt like this required a new one rather than an update on the last one, since it's a little bit different topic. My last thread with a little bit of explanation:http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/574935-emotional-carousel-i-m-so-tired So as the title says, the relationship in itself is over. He got back to me after barely contacting me for a week and said that this doesn't feel right anymore. We talked and he said that he can't bare any commitment and is going through things that make him want to be free and not have the burden of a boyfriend role. Basically he doesn't want to owe me anything as a boyfriend, like being on time to our meetings, scheduling, answering the phone, giving gifts etc. But at the same time he says he loves me and really doesn't want to lose me so he suggested that we could still be close. His words: "I don't reject you and still have a lot of feelings for you, you're still the most awesome girl I've ever met, but I'm afraid that if we continue like this, we will end up hating each other and I will lose you forever. I'd rather be honest and tell that I hate the commitment a relationship brings, especially now when I'm going through things. We could still be close but not own each other's time and just meet and do things together, work on project and I will always be there for you and will need your support myself". All this was said on phone, but it kinda felt like we needed to meet and talk in person, so we did. Unfortunately words kinda got stuck in my mouth and I didn't say anything I wanted, but instead we ended up drinking beer, making out and sleeping together against my better judgment (or maybe because I'm still in love with him like a fool). He also acted like he's still in love with me, so when he left next morning, I was very confused and later asked him if we're still together. He gave a weird answer that it's shallow to try to define things and we still feel what we feel but it's a no to my answer. That was followed by a conversation on a phone, a very emotional one with lots of interrupting each other, crying, not coming to any agreement etc. I basically couldn't fall asleep until I decided that this is way too torturous and turn into a one big nightmare and I need to end it somehow. We're gonna talk on Monday face to face and I decided to tell him that we can only be friends from now on and nothing more. He won't lose me but I'm not gonna sleep with him or act in any way more than a friend. Any opinions?
lchf Posted April 3, 2016 Posted April 3, 2016 You're deluding yourself if you think you two can be "friends" with all this emotion you have for one another. You're both better off not speaking to one another and going your separate ways because you're both emotionally invested. 3
ExpatInItaly Posted April 3, 2016 Posted April 3, 2016 Lorenza, I am sorry you're hurting. But please consider the fact that most of us who participated in your threads were right all along about this guy. So again, please listen - staying friends with him is very unwise! You will get hurt again and again. He has told you clear as day that he doesn't want to be your boyfriend. He is now your ex. You cannot be friends when you're still in love with him. He isn't in love so this isn't as hard for him, which is why he can have sex with you and then in the same breath say you're just friends. He's already detached and he will not be giving you any more emotional investment. Imagine staying "friends" and then down the road finding out he's sleeping with others - how much of a friend can you possibly be then? This isn't really about friendship for him anyway. It's about leaving a door open if he wants some affection, then bolting again when he's had his fill. That's not fair to you. Please, take care of yourself and your own needs now. You've been way too generous and kind to him when he didn't treat you with the same respect. Go No Contact with him or risk serious pain. Listen to those of us who have walked in your shoes. 4
smudge21 Posted April 3, 2016 Posted April 3, 2016 As the above says, you need to walk away as you cannot be friends with someone you love, end of. Just think how you are with your real friends, how you tell them things. Now imagine him treating you exactly like that, right up to the moment he tells you he's met someone and they're in love. Trust me, you don't want that pain. Remaining friends with someone you used to date is just living in hope, grasping on to the past and believing that if you stay around, then they'll come back. They don't. They have no reason to, as to them, you haven't left. You need to be honest with yourself; you don't want to be his friend, his mate, his buddy, you want to be his lover. Walk away from this and find someone who can give you the love you want and deserve.
despgirl Posted April 3, 2016 Posted April 3, 2016 I promise this is a last thread about this guy. But I felt like this required a new one rather than an update on the last one, since it's a little bit different topic. My last thread with a little bit of explanation:http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/574935-emotional-carousel-i-m-so-tired So as the title says, the relationship in itself is over. He got back to me after barely contacting me for a week and said that this doesn't feel right anymore. We talked and he said that he can't bare any commitment and is going through things that make him want to be free and not have the burden of a boyfriend role. Basically he doesn't want to owe me anything as a boyfriend, like being on time to our meetings, scheduling, answering the phone, giving gifts etc. But at the same time he says he loves me and really doesn't want to lose me so he suggested that we could still be close. His words: "I don't reject you and still have a lot of feelings for you, you're still the most awesome girl I've ever met, but I'm afraid that if we continue like this, we will end up hating each other and I will lose you forever. I'd rather be honest and tell that I hate the commitment a relationship brings, especially now when I'm going through things. We could still be close but not own each other's time and just meet and do things together, work on project and I will always be there for you and will need your support myself". All this was said on phone, but it kinda felt like we needed to meet and talk in person, so we did. Unfortunately words kinda got stuck in my mouth and I didn't say anything I wanted, but instead we ended up drinking beer, making out and sleeping together against my better judgment (or maybe because I'm still in love with him like a fool). He also acted like he's still in love with me, so when he left next morning, I was very confused and later asked him if we're still together. He gave a weird answer that it's shallow to try to define things and we still feel what we feel but it's a no to my answer. That was followed by a conversation on a phone, a very emotional one with lots of interrupting each other, crying, not coming to any agreement etc. I basically couldn't fall asleep until I decided that this is way too torturous and turn into a one big nightmare and I need to end it somehow. We're gonna talk on Monday face to face and I decided to tell him that we can only be friends from now on and nothing more. He won't lose me but I'm not gonna sleep with him or act in any way more than a friend. Any opinions? Sorry to hear it didn't work out. I don't think you can be friends right now, when you are still so in love with him. MAYBE down the road, like in a year or so, when you are over him and not thinking about him romantically. Now you have to think about yourself and stop seeing him and talking to him.
katiegrl Posted April 3, 2016 Posted April 3, 2016 (edited) Lorenza first off I am so sorry you are hurting, but at the same time, this is actually a good thing, because once you heal, you will be emotionally free to find a man who actually loves you and wants a relationship with you. This man DOES NOT love you, because if he did he *would* want a relationship with you, period.. Him saying you are the most awesome woman, he doesn't want to lose you, blah blah.... what a load of crap! You see that right? Cuz if he didn't want to lose you, then why the hell is he breaking up with you? Which is exactly what he is doing. This so called *friendship* would be nothing more than YOU still being there for him, while he gets to do what he wants, remaining detached, pursuing other women, not calling you for weeks if he doesn't want, etc. He is a selfish pric*k ...ugh! How you could even stand to be *friends* with him is beyond me, sorry. He wants all the perks of a relationship, including you still being hung up on him, without the actual relationship! That is NOT love. That is SELFISH. What do YOU get? Nothing but a selfish asshat who is completely manipulating you! Please please please Lorenza, stop allowing him to manipulate you and MOVE ON. You need to DETACH. And the only way you can do that is by walking away. Again so sorry but this is for the best. This toxity has got to stop ... it is SO time. You need to take care of YOU. HE will be just fine.... he is a grown man, he knows how to take care of himself which is precisely what he is doing. If it were me, I would not even meet him. Text him, say goodbye, wish him well, then block, delete. And move on! Good luck sweetie, and big hugs. Edited April 3, 2016 by katiegrl 6
Gaeta Posted April 3, 2016 Posted April 3, 2016 Lorenza hon, I am very sorry for your disappointment. I am also not advising to play friends with him. He is not in love with you anymore, maybe he was never. You've been unhappy about this relationship almost from the beginning. He had not been acting like a man in love for a long time. He feels suffocated and is afraid of commitment? Yes his actions have been screaming that in all of your threads. He only offered to be friend to ease the blow. He feels guilty for hurting you and he thinks this will make it less @sshole of him. Please decline any friendship or any kind of keeping in touch with him. It will only delay the healing process. It's better for you to make a clean cut and hurt than see him slowly fade away and hurt for months and maybe years ahead. When a door close it's to allow another one to open. There are much better boyfriends for you out there and better more fulfilling relationships ahead. There is always something better waiting for us. Be good to yourself little one. 3
Author Lorenza Posted April 3, 2016 Author Posted April 3, 2016 Thank you for your answers everybody. I have now ended things with him. We exchanged nice and respectful messages, I told him to update me someday about his health and that maybe in the future we can still be friends and do those creative projects we planned to do, but right now I will take some time for myself and to heal and that I don't want to meet and talk anymore. He wrote that he wants me happiness and that he loves and cares about me and he's glad that I didn't close the doors to have some contact in the future. So it ends. Now comes the feeling like hell for the next month part. It will be ok.... 1
abby_tx Posted April 3, 2016 Posted April 3, 2016 NO CONTACT is the absolute best thing you can do for yourself. Trust me. If he texts you, don't reply. This is the quickest way to heal your broken heart and bring clarity to the situation. Put up a calendar and x out days you've gone not talking to him if that's what it takes.
ExpatInItaly Posted April 3, 2016 Posted April 3, 2016 Thank you for your answers everybody. I have now ended things with him. We exchanged nice and respectful messages, I told him to update me someday about his health and that maybe in the future we can still be friends and do those creative projects we planned to do, but right now I will take some time for myself and to heal and that I don't want to meet and talk anymore. He wrote that he wants me happiness and that he loves and cares about me and he's glad that I didn't close the doors to have some contact in the future. So it ends. Now comes the feeling like hell for the next month part. It will be ok.... Every time you feel sad, rememeber how it felt to wonder why he disappeared for days at a time. Remember how you felt being item number #10 on his list of priorities, how you felt when he didn't turn up for hours on end without having the decency to cancel. In other words, you'll start seeing him for who he really is, and not who you wanted him to be. I promise you will get over it more quickly when you realize you miss someone who didn't actually exist. 3
losangelena Posted April 3, 2016 Posted April 3, 2016 I would take his "I love yous" with a huge grain of salt. To me, his words and actions make it seem like he wants his cake and to eat it, too. He doesn't want the commitment of a relationship (he doesn't want to be on time?? Oh, please ), but he wants the benefits of one (sex) so it's "I love you." You made the right decision. Say goodbye. Don't let him get away with that kind of comprise. What a lame-o. You deserve better. 3
Author Lorenza Posted April 3, 2016 Author Posted April 3, 2016 Just to make it clear, I'm not angry or upset at him and I definitely don't think he is a bastard or a lame-o. I won't start blaming a cancer survivor (who now faces a risk of his cancer reappearing) who basically had a tough life for his inability to emotionally invest into a relationship with me. Things don't work out sometimes and people do unfair things without even realizing it. Just because someone doesn't want to be with you or doesn't love you, he's not automatically a heartless bastard. I had three ugly breakups in the past and this is definitely the most kind one. Maybe he loves me in his own way, maybe he doesn't, but I surely do/did love him and I don't regret it, despite the emotional carousel it came in with, cause I know this will mature me even more since it's the first time I'm the one to put a dot at the end of the sentence. I'm letting him go and hope we two will be able to talk about life someday and joke and not feel sad. 1
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