Is it possible?

[PrayingForAMiracle]

Sorry for the long post!

 

About 2 months ago, my demons and my wife's patience wore thin and she kicked me out. I did not put up a fight because I dont want to fight or argue with my wife in front of our two year old son. I gave her my key, and walked away after begging her not to end our marriage. Its the same story that a lot of people have come accustomed to hearing. Her patience with my addiction to pain meds was done. I had depleted our savings and we were struggling.

I slept in the car for the first five nights in 20 to 30 degree weather, and constantly asked her for money and forgiveness. I had left with nothing, no food, no money, nothing, and like she should have done, she did not help me. I woke up on day four freezing, and something just clicked, I cant explain it, I decided that day I was done fighting the demon and that was it.

 

I ran out of gas, luckily as I was driving by a gas station and just pulled in beside a pump. I called her, my dad, my brother and no one would come. I broke down and called my mom, and she came and put gas in my car, then told me to follow her to her house. So I did. When I got there, I slept for almost two days. When I awoke, it was like everything hit me.

 

We had separate accounts and her bank allowed me to walk in and withdraw money because I guess they knew me. She let me know that she had taken out papers on me for what I had done. Then, her parents got involved and she included them on everything. She had a friend that is a DA, and her friend told her that I would probably get a few misdemeanors because I had not withdrawn large sums of money at a time. Well, I was arrested a couple of weeks later with numerous felonies and was taken to jail. When she found out, she fell apart. She had no clue that it was going to be that bad. Her father had hired a PI, and he investigated it, and nailed me.

 

I was released after a week or so on bond, and had come to realized that my reputation had been ruined. I had never done anything in my life to get in trouble with the law, and now, thanks to word of mouth from her parents and social media, my reputation was out the window. I did see some support from some who felt that I wouldnt do anything like that purposely to hurt anyone. But that slowly went away.

 

I have owned what I did, and in no way have bad mouthed her or her family because I still care very much for them and never wanted to hurt them. And I have owned what I have done since the day I came back into reality.

 

This mess that I caused has sent my life into a tailspin, and has completely demolished the foundation of my family, and hers. When I left, she moved in with her parents and left our house unoccupied. And when she moved there, she received financial support and somewhat emotional support in the beginning. After a couple of days, the terror set in when she was being yelled at by her dad for allowing this to happen and the whole "what kind of mom are you" started setting in. They started lighting her up every night saying that they were quizzing her so that she is ready for being on the stand, because I would attempt to take our son and her house, well, that I would take everything. And this has continued til today. Needless to say, her parents now hate me and are disappointed in me more than anything because of what I did. But she hears it daily and she is constantly depressed.

 

I, on the other hand, am staying with my mom, for the first time in my life am jobless, have no means of travel or communication with the world other than the internet, and get the same crap from my mom. But in my case, I throw it back at her. Since the day I woke into reality, I have been clean, and since I was released, I get regular drug screenings, go to meetings and am doing everything that I can to better myself while awaiting my fate in court.

 

We talk on a regular basis but it has to remain concealed because her parents cant find out that she talks to me. Yes, a 34 year old woman has to hide the fact that she talks to me. But since she was a child, the intimidation factor is high in her family. Her dad was a mayor and is under the assumption that he runs the county. And with that, her whole family grew up intimidated by him and his temper.

 

But we talk, and most all of the conversations are good and have great meaning. We see each other about once a week, either she will get in touch with me or I with her and we will go to our house and try to set it up from the mess that was left so that she can eventually come back home with our son. All of the times we get together are good, conversations are fine, no hostility, no hate, just the lingering white elephant of what has happened and how our house is now a broken home.

 

She says that she still loves me, but has not healed. She has not told a sole that she has spoken to me because well, she is not ready to. So no one knows how she feels. I dont feel that she is able to get her feelings out or on the table because of the constant emotional distress that is put on her. And of course, sometimes she will bring up our son, which i have not seen since this happened, and I will say I miss him or how i am missing so much. It of course devastates her and makes her feel guilty. I do not push anything on her at all, I let the conversations just come out, mostly letting her tell me how her day was and what all has taken place that day. Then there are the days that something gets to her. Feelings, her folks, friends, and she gets in touch with me and tells me how she wants to quit and stop talking to me. We work through it, and the next day is better.

 

Last night, I helped her with getting some things together at the house, and we started talking. Some things came out, but it was very civil. She said again that she had not healed and dont know how to. She asked, "I see you are a different person, but you have told me things before and they end up lies, how can I believe it that you are different and this is real?" I told her that my actions have to speak here, not my words, and that she has to see me be who I really am. She brought up how her dad feels that I am cheating on the drug tests, and well, I dont know what to say to that other than I am not.

 

She filed an order of custody for our son, which she (i guess) was talked into trying to get me on supervised visits for 2 hrs, once every two weeks. When she got home after that, she was lit up on how I dont deserve to be in our sons life. I have dealt with being away from my son for this long and that is taking a big tole on me, and she knows. She hates that I cant see him, but here again, she feels that she cant let me because he is so smart and would go back to the grands house and say something about seeing daddy. I dont think I can deal with supervised visits for that little bit of time, but just after she talks to her folks, she tells me I should be thankful. I cant be.

 

She is tired of people asking how she is, if she has talked to me, if everything is alright and if she thinks it will get better. Because she wont talk about it, it is a constant reminder of everything. I hurt for her because I know she is dealing with a lot and having to hold in everything, or has chosen to. I wish i could just take all of her pain away and bare it myself because no matter the outcome, I want her to heal. Her happiness means more to me than life itself. I know, I should not have forgotten that to start with. But it honestly does. I just want her out of this black cloud and happy again.

 

She knows that I want to reconcile, I want to prove to her that I am the real me and that I will not go down that road ever again. I want to be able to show her parents that the man that their daughter married and the man that I am now, is not the man that made the mistake of a lifetime and caused all of this. They do not understand addiction and dont understand how it controls your mind, and in turn your body. This is not an excuse, or justification of what I did, as I said, I have owned what I did. But for those that understand how powerful addiction is, that statement has meaning.

 

When I am around, she still shows me affection, she has told me that she loves me, she is still seems to want me around, and she says she feels safe with me. Then we depart, and she will get those feelings again about just stopping everything. So I asked her last night as our time was drawing to a close, what she wanted, how she wanted this to end up. Her answer was the very vague, "I dont know". Saying again that she had not healed.

 

I know that I can not rush anything and that we may not be able to be together anymore. I know that she is dealing with hearing how bad of a person i am on a daily basis and how I will not be accepted again. But I also know that some of her friends are saying that we can work this out.

 

I just dont want to lose her and my son because of a stupid mistake that I believed would never happen to me. I am not a terrible person, I just allowed something to consume my mind and take over me and I hurt her badly. I honestly care more about her happiness that I do my own right now, and that may be wrong. But I love her that much.

 

Can anyone possibly throw some advice my way?

[Marc878]

Own what you've done. This wasn't a mistake you made but rather a bad choice you entered into willingly. Don't make excuses for yourself. You got yourself into this mess and it's on you to fix it.

 

If those felonies stick it'll ruin your chances of a good job forever. Try and get them off your record.

 

I have to be honest if she were my daughter I'd be doing everything in my power to have her move on from you.

 

With that said you need to make a life for yourself. Get some kind of job and seriously look into getting some education or trade that you can build a life on.

 

Cut all ties with the undesirables that you've associated with in the past.

 

You need to pull up your big boy panties. I wouldn't plan on her being in your future. That's a lot of damage and history to come back from.

 

You need to build yourself into the man you should be. No one is going to do it for you.

[privategal]

I would think about getting a job in construction or anywhere that doesnt require a background check given your record.

See if your Mom will let you stay.

Stop asking for reconciling...work..be respectful, take your time, rebuild yourself step by step. Do not be defined by your past forever.

Forgive your self...let her heal and be ready. Let her build respect for you first before forcing your way back in

Let time and patience get you back to the start and reconciling.

Her family wont want that.

Let her think and breathe. You do the same. You both need to heal. Dont appear weak and desperate. Take action to show her. Dont tell her or push.

Work.

[PrayingForAMiracle]

Thank you both for your advice and replying so quickly. I left out some things in my post due to how long it was that I will share with you now in short. I have made it a point not to talk about myself, when talking to her and really anyone. I have not mentioned getting back together to her since i was released. Any conversation we have is about her unless she brings up something about me or us. I have went to counseling, and have learned many things while there and that was one of them. One of the things that I was told while there was to do my best to try to stay in contact with her if for nothing else but our son. I was in the process of working on my phd. When this happened, kinda knocked that out of bounds. I have put in an average of 40 applications a week at random businesses a week, have gotten 3 interviews, and was told to leave during one of them. Her dad has used his connections to shut that down in this area so, i started applying out of town. So I am doing what I can from that aspect.

I am not just sitting around moping and sobbing over what has happened and because we are separated. I dont call her crying and tell her that I want her back. I have not done that. Neither of you said that i was, I just felt compelled to say that. However, i do keep my emotions and my feelings to myself and as you both know, I am hoping and praying for reconcile.

 

Thank you both so much for your honest and sincere reply's and advice. I am greatly appreciative that you took the time to help me in this situation.

[Satu]

Focus on your recovery.

 

Addiction is a serious problem, and the possibility of relapse is always there.

 

Rather than focussing on your ex, you need to turn your attention to yourself.

 

Work on your problems.

 

Stay clean, go to therapy.

[Marc878]

Excellent advice. You can only fix yourself. You've made enemies of her family and except for your mother have alienated yours.

 

Any relapses everyone will say i knew he'd fail. Prove them wrong.

 

Seek help on the felony issues. That's a huge problem and will hurt you long term. Get free legal council there are places that offer it. Ask around perhaps your rehab place can help. This is huge for your future.

 

Promises or your word are meaningless at this time. Let your actions speak for you.

[privategal]

I just want to say, I admire your strength and the road wont be easy but I think you are going to be just fine. Im praying for you.

[PrayingForAMiracle]

Thank you again to you all for your advice. Privategal, thank you for the remarks and prayers as they are greatly appreciated.

I have been clean since January, and have no intentions in going down that road again. I have been and am still in counseling. I would like to say that my road to recovery is complete, but I know the reality of relapse, and have been offered things over the last few months. I lost some people whom I considered friends at the time, due to the fact that I abruptly turned it down. One of the learning points is that those people are not your friends. I also know that I will be in recovery for the rest of my life. But I have made a vow to God and myself that I do not care if my arm is falling off, I will not put those things in my body again. Thank you all again.