HansonGirl Posted March 25, 2016 Posted March 25, 2016 (edited) I need some insight - there is a group of girls i went to grade school and high school with who i always get together with during the holidays or whenever we're all in town. some of us have moved to other parts of the country and a couple others still live in our hometown city. anyways, this one girl, "Kelsey" i've known her since the first grade. However, growing up there have been a couple instances of tension. I distinctly recall going to her sleepover and i brought over some cds because i thought it'd be fun to play music, and her reaction was "yes, we get it, you have more cds than me, you're so cool" - like, i felt weird because i wasn't trying to act "cool" - acting like she thought i was trying to show off. i wanted to share some music... (this was back when we were young and CDs were the thing and our parents had to buy them for us). I find it interesting that this sticks out in my mind. yet another time, a mean rumor was going on around me, and she was the one to pull me aside and tell me what was going on and I really appreciated that. but she also would not share with me any secrets, and i remember feeling very left out of the conversation back in the day because i guess she didnt want me to know anything about her. I never pryed. I just shrugged and said, ok, whatever Then again, i accidentally stepped on her foot one time and she overreacted about it acting like i had killed her family or something. She is a very competitive person and that toe stepping incident occurred after i got into the college she wanted to get into - after she laughed at me for my admission essay topic... she didn't get in, but i did. then after college i told her about a guy i dated who was a jerk, and her immediate reaction was a look of disgust, "don't you have any self-respect?!" and after that I never shared with her another personal detail. I have never felt comfortable. Only for a year later, i made a self-depricating remark, for her to contradict me and compliment me. so she did not send me an invitation to her wedding, until after I sent her a gift, but she invited the rest of our group. and I only see her as part of the group. Subconsciously i know i was trying to win her approval buy sending the gift - and part of me wanted her to feel guilty for not inviting me. I know that - So getting older, i stopped caring about that sort of thing and realized that she, for whatever odd reason, has always had a problem with me - ever since the CD incident. I do see her still - whenever the group of us get together - but I feel it's so forced. Like i don't want someone who doesn't like me to feel obligated. But then when i did not get invited to her baby shower, i did feel the sting, still, even though I realize she and I aren't friends. I guess I am trying to say, is how long can this sort of state of limbo exist between people? Part of me would like to say something, like how it really hurt my feelings when she judged me for getting involved with a jerk in college - i was young at the time. it happens. for not inviting me to her wedding until AFTER i sent a gift months after everybody else got invited. but then part of me realizes I really don't CARE that much and she doesn't have to like me if she doesn't want to, and i can't force it. but i just know this annual, obligatory visitation will occur with people i just don't feel close with. sorry i am just rambling now. Does anybody else have a "friend" like this or "acquaintance" i should say? And when i get married - i will probably invite her, because i guess i feel more "love" for her than she does for me. I just wouldn't NOT invite her as some sort of payback - that's petty. And to be completely honest here - sometimes she comes off judgmental and pretentious. She acts like she is a coffee and wine connoisseur. I have no problem with someone who is very interested in that sort of thing, but i am just trying to paint the picture - I don't feel that comfortable around her, and I am not going to force a close friendship because clearly there isn't one (even though i'd still invite her to my wedding) but i guess i am wondering if this is normal... or why she's still going through the motions too. I don't feel comfortable because I am afraid if i relax and get comfortable and open up about myself, she will hit me with another judgmental comment when i least suspect it. Edited March 25, 2016 by HansonGirl
preraph Posted March 25, 2016 Posted March 25, 2016 She's not your friend! I don't know why you keep going back and asking for more punishment. 1
LydiaLong Posted March 25, 2016 Posted March 25, 2016 I would stop participating in any group gathering where she's there. You can arrange to have lunch with the other friends separately.
Author HansonGirl Posted March 25, 2016 Author Posted March 25, 2016 She's not your friend! I don't know why you keep going back and asking for more punishment. it's nice to hear a confirmation of what I am thinking. I also thought i HAVE to participate in the group get-togethers because that's what we've been doing for YEARS. And I also feel like it'd be awkward to say, hey Anna, Beth, Courtney, and Donna, let's all get together. one of them: "Oh what about Kelsey?" Me: (thinking) aw crap.... the other part of the equation is should i SAY something about this to the other girls or continue to act like everything is hunky dory and that me and Kelsey are friends? I feel like i've been pretending all these years - only 1 of these girls, the one I am closest with, knows how I truly feel about her.
preraph Posted March 25, 2016 Posted March 25, 2016 If you told one friend, they probably all know by now. You can probably tell which ones are loyaler to her, and no point telling them. But you can just ask "Who all's going" and then refuse if she's going. But then to not be left out, you will have to initiate some things and invite ONLY who you want to be there. Not make it a public gathering where she can just show up. If they suggest her, say, I'm not looking to make this a big group gathering. Chances are they already know you two don't really get along. I am a big believer in not doing anything you don't want to do. And buying her wedding and baby gifts is a huge waste of money because she's been really rude and condescending to you for whatever her personal reason is. Just start excluding her. Do more with whatever friend you feel is most loyal to you. Also, if she's having a baby, you probably won't see her much anyway, although she might decide to be nice to you if you'll babysit, so now is a GREAT time to drop her. 1
road Posted March 25, 2016 Posted March 25, 2016 For what ever reason she just tolerates you. After all these years I doubt it will change. You can host an event and invite all of the other friends and leave her out. Though the word will get back to her. Also when the group realizes that you did not invite her a power struggle will happen. Whether overt or covert and the group will most likely take sides one way or the other. You may or may not be excluded from the others after you exclude her. 1
whichwayisup Posted March 26, 2016 Posted March 26, 2016 If you had a party or wedding, why would you feel obligated to invite her? She has NOT included you in any of her gatherings, like it or not. Trying to gain approval from someone who really isn't a friend and not in your daily life is a waste of YOUR time and energy. Focus on the good friends you have, instead of ones that you're not close to and only see once in a blue moon. You don't owe her anything so please, stop putting an expectation on yourself. For whatever reason, you two don't mix anymore. She isn't worrying what you think or feel so why worry about what she thinks or feels?
Author HansonGirl Posted March 26, 2016 Author Posted March 26, 2016 If you had a party or wedding, why would you feel obligated to invite her? She has NOT included you in any of her gatherings, like it or not. Trying to gain approval from someone who really isn't a friend and not in your daily life is a waste of YOUR time and energy. Focus on the good friends you have, instead of ones that you're not close to and only see once in a blue moon. You don't owe her anything so please, stop putting an expectation on yourself. For whatever reason, you two don't mix anymore. She isn't worrying what you think or feel so why worry about what she thinks or feels? well if i invited her to my wedding, it would be because I want her to be there. I wouldn't do it if it were for some reason a struggle for me to do it. I was going to write another response but i deleted it. But i was going to make it clear it's not like an ongoing dilemma i deal with daily - as I said I have no problem with HER, it appears to me like she has one with me. I am not going to exclude someone out of some sort of reciprocity, especially if it doesn't really hurt me to include her. I initially started this thread to see if anybody else has a similar experience. I appreciate the advice though. If it ever became so bad that i couldn't take it anymore i definitely will avoid her and not invite her to my wedding. and no i don't plan on sending her a baby shower gift. Not out of spite or anything, just because i don't really have the money right now.
Recommended Posts