kendahke Posted March 25, 2016 Posted March 25, 2016 I'd say the same exact thing. I don't condone snooping for any reason. It removes the moral high ground and give the one being shady ammunition and advantage to flip the conversation around. I agree about the being upset at pet names he's called other women long before he knew her. Anyone over the age of 25 who's been in a relationship has pet names they call the person they're affectionate with. Who doesn't call their partner "babe" or "honey" or "sugar"? He didn't spring to life when she turned up. For my part, if I was living with someone and they came across an old phone, I, too have nothing to hide, but whatever is on my phone is none of their business because my friends and family with whom I've had text conversations didn't say it was ok for anyone else to read what they said. I'd certainly expect that if they ran across it, they would ask me about it, not go behind my back, charge it up and the rummage through it. However, I don't give the men I've lived with any reason to feel they have to snoop to get answers from me--if they want to know, I will tell them what they want to know. It's up to them to either accept what I say or to leave because they think I'm a liar and why would I want someone like that living with me? 2
devilish innocent Posted March 25, 2016 Posted March 25, 2016 Would you rather be with a guy who allows a relationship to drag on for many months or for years after they realize they're not in love with the other person? Most people think they're in love until the day they realize they're not. Also, a person can be in love but still end a relationship for other reasons. You're just feeling jealous. It's in the past. Let it go. 5
Ferret Posted March 25, 2016 Posted March 25, 2016 How is it that you even have an old cell phone of his in the first place? Yes, I think you should say something so that he knows the kind of person he's dealing with. It happens mine gave me two phones to "look thu" when I moved in with him he said I could borrow what ever one I wanted until I got myself a new cell. Well I guess he deleted the pics of his ex BUT not the texts between him and another chick he was chatting up exact same time he was getting to know me.. I kinda questioned him about it since this was all current and modern you have plans for a girl to come live with you and you are chatting up another yeah didn't seam right he said it was nothing so I gave him the benefit of the doubt and I forgot it..Well turns out he started chatting her up again via other means almost a year later and got oafishly caut cheating.. So I guess unlike some here I wont really blame the OP for looking but her info was suppository pretty old so she should just leave it be.. but at least she has a better insight into how her BF reacts and treats other women too if for nothing else future reference.. I will always look now if given the chance sorry I know its not morally right but its better to know then to end up with egg on my face and in the dark cause I wanted to hold to some "morels" that the other side clearly wasn't interested in..
kendahke Posted March 25, 2016 Posted March 25, 2016 (edited) It happens mine gave me two phones to "look thu" when I moved in with him he said I could borrow what ever one I wanted until I got myself a new cell. .. non sequitur. This isn't the background of OP's situation. Your boyfriend isn't shady. OP's is. He lies. Throwing in with a good looking, lying, shady person is a recipe for disaster and years of unhappiness and dissatisfaction. Edited March 25, 2016 by kendahke
Ferret Posted March 25, 2016 Posted March 25, 2016 non sequitur. This isn't the background of OP's situation. Your boyfriend isn't shady. OP's is. He lies. Throwing in with a good looking, lying, shady person is a recipe for disaster and years of unhappiness and dissatisfaction. Ive caut my BF cheating via multi Medea at least 3 times since ive moved in with him the girl I was talking about earlier actually ended up messaging me cause he finally pissed her off I guess she wanted to hurt him it kinda back fired on her..but that's neither here nor there.. My point was that seams a lot were harshly judging the OP for her actions when some times people give us no choice in the end and some times it works out better if you at least know what your dealing with...
katiegrl Posted March 25, 2016 Posted March 25, 2016 Ive caut my BF cheating via multi Medea at least 3 times since ive moved in with him the girl I was talking about earlier actually ended up messaging me cause he finally pissed her off I guess she wanted to hurt him it kinda back fired on her..but that's neither here nor there.. My point was that seams a lot were harshly judging the OP for her actions when some times people give us no choice in the end and some times it works out better if you at least know what your dealing with... Ferret, the evidence OP found was not anything she found on an old cell phone from before they even started dating. She found panties in his drawer that do not belong to her, and he says he doesn't know where they came from? Among other things that have little, if anything, to do with what she found on his old cell phone which he owned prior to ever even meeting/dating her. JMO, but if you start to suspect something is amiss to the point you feel like you need to check your bf's cell (and I am not referring to you in particular Ferret).... you communicate with him about it before snooping around on his cell, invading his privacy. 1
kendahke Posted March 25, 2016 Posted March 25, 2016 (edited) Oh, wow... he is shady a.f. ... Well it works out even better when you don't deal with liars and cheaters because they end up turning you into someone you don't even like in order to stay with them. Edited March 25, 2016 by kendahke 2
PogoStick Posted March 25, 2016 Posted March 25, 2016 Since you're not ok with him having past relationships and loves, you should leave him for someone better. 1
Author Blue08 Posted March 25, 2016 Author Posted March 25, 2016 I told him I found it and I read the text messages...he doesn't seem concerned about the snooping part....I brought up about him saying the same things me as he said to her... He just said I never called her beautiful, just you and I love you. yyyeeaahhh.....speachless....not in a good way. I don't doubt that I have my issues, seriously I come here to get advice because this is the one of the few places I have to get advice from. I literally have 0 friends besides my boyfriend, my mom, and my dad thats it. Idk why, I try not to let it get to me, but sometimes it takes me down, and I feel like I'm not good enough, or how could some one actually care or love me...I just don't believe it. Yeah I know a pity party.....but thanks again for the feedback, I realize it is me...
kendahke Posted March 25, 2016 Posted March 25, 2016 I literally have 0 friends besides my boyfriend, my mom, and my dad thats it. Why? (10 characters) 3
Ferret Posted March 25, 2016 Posted March 25, 2016 Ferret, the evidence OP found was not anything she found on an old cell phone from before they even started dating. She found panties in his drawer that do not belong to her, and he says he doesn't know where they came from? Among other things that have little, if anything, to do with what she found on his old cell phone which he owned prior to ever even meeting/dating her. JMO, but if you start to suspect something is amiss to the point you feel like you need to check your bf's cell (and I am not referring to you in particular Ferret).... you communicate with him about it before snooping around on his cell, invading his privacy. I thought what she found was before they started dating and panties? I dont know that's kinda weird I would think one would realize there were another women's panties in my clothing draw he was prob holding onto them and thinking she wouldn't even notice..in all fairness I only read the opening post ill go back and have more of a read.. Oh, wow... he is shady a.f. ... Well it works out even better when you don't deal with liars and cheaters because they end up turning you into someone you don't even like in order to stay with them. The funny thing is tho other then those activities hes a wonderful bf he just doesn't seem to see fooling around on multi media to be cheating persay yay the joys of modern technology bringing every one "closer" anyways he says he would never do it in rl but that's a shade of gray isn't it..in the end we are working on things but its hard to trust him time will tell I guess
Author Blue08 Posted March 26, 2016 Author Posted March 26, 2016 Well I grew up in another state, and then moved here in 2008. I stated home and raised my kids and thats all I did. My old "friends" moved on I guess. Here I have tried to be social and talk with other parents at my kids sporting events but idk, no one cares to talk to me I guess. I feel invisible most of the time, I walked up to start talking to a group of parents and they ended up turning their back to me to continue talking. Sometimes I talk and literally no one acknowledges I said anything, its frustrating. Idk, i guess people just have their groups...
Lady2163 Posted March 26, 2016 Posted March 26, 2016 Well I grew up in another state, and then moved here in 2008. I stated home and raised my kids and thats all I did. My old "friends" moved on I guess. Here I have tried to be social and talk with other parents at my kids sporting events but idk, no one cares to talk to me I guess. I feel invisible most of the time, I walked up to start talking to a group of parents and they ended up turning their back to me to continue talking. Sometimes I talk and literally no one acknowledges I said anything, its frustrating. Idk, i guess people just have their groups... You probably need to find a couple of hobbies. I'm overloaded with female social activities and all I want are activities for people my age to mingle with the opposite sex! You probably need some counseling. I find your reason for charging the phone pretty weak. Not sure an old cell phone is a good toy for a four year old. Oh - and it wasn't yours. But now I know, if I ever move in with someone I need to dig through 3-4 phones and make sure I've cleared all the history. I don't know that I have anything to hide, I just wouldn't appreciate the invasion of private conversations I've had with people. I get that you may be curious about his past and how he interacts with others either before he met you or when you're not around. The right thing to do would have been to ASK BEFORE. I'm a little fussy about my things being used without permission. "Hey, do you care of four year old Johnny plays with the old cell phone I found in the drawer?" I'd be curious why you didn't do it the right way to start. My guess is you knew from the time he found it and you plugged it in to charge, you were going to look through it. 3
strawberryshortstack Posted March 26, 2016 Posted March 26, 2016 Its not the fact of saying I love you. Its the fact he said I am madly in love with you and then broke up with her less than three months later. It's the fact he called me the same made up names as her. I thought that, that was something between me and him. Feelings can change very quickly sometimes. He may have loved her very much, and then she may have done something that changed how he felt. In some of my failed relationships, we still exchanged "I love you's" right up until the day the relationship ended. Because sometimes, as much as you love a person, you realize the relationship just isn't going anywhere. 1
inthevalle Posted March 26, 2016 Posted March 26, 2016 Its not the fact of saying I love you. Its the fact he said I am madly in love with you and then broke up with her less than three months later. It's the fact he called me the same made up names as her. I thought that, that was something between me and him. You are thinking too much and inventing things to worry about. Stop
Author Blue08 Posted March 26, 2016 Author Posted March 26, 2016 We had a longer talk about it last night... He is not mad about the snooping...he said if I could find a way to laugh about it, then whatever but I don't I let it eat at me... I said what I had an issue with, the saying the same thing that we say to each other ( and it is not I love you, baby, sexy,) it's more than that... I brought how could you tell her you are madly in love with her and then break it off with less than three months later? ( and no, it was not for cheating, snooping, etc.) His response, " Do you think I meant when I said that to her" He said he didn't. But he means it with me... Thats my issue...him saying he didn't mean it... If he told yes of coarse I love her, or loved her but it didn't work, fine, thats honest and it shows good character. When he says he said it but didn't mean it....it makes me wonder, does he actually mean it with me or just saying it... Only time will tell I guess....
kgcolonel Posted March 26, 2016 Posted March 26, 2016 Blue, I think I see two things working here that are feeding your obsession. First, you have no other sources of social networking to give you an independent sense of value....thus you are all over your SO. You are micro evaluating his every action down to past messages on an old cell. Your judging something he did before he even met you and are looking for holes in his love for you. This is feeding your doubts. Second, you are having trouble valuing your relationship with him based on what is actually happening between you and him. Your looking outside of his actions, his re-assurances and his love to test the R. Both of these practices will destroy your relationship eventually if you don't get them under control. I really think a counselor would really help you personally and your relationship. It doesn't mean that there is something wrong with you, it means that you need some help looking at what you have and who you are a bit differently and in a more healthy way. 1
Author Blue08 Posted March 26, 2016 Author Posted March 26, 2016 I agree counseling would probably help. I just don't like liars, I don't like people who just say things just to suit some one else. It's weak and misleading. I was alone when I was with my ex ( no friends, nothing no one but him) I didn't look for holes, I didn't second guess his word WHY because he was honest and he didn't agree with everything I said, I didn't look through his phone. I have doubted the things he has said because well he just tells me what I want to hear....why would he be any different for me when he does it for everyone else? I'll sit on it for a bit, but this is not looking good right now....
elaine567 Posted March 26, 2016 Posted March 26, 2016 I agree counseling would probably help. I just don't like liars, I don't like people who just say things just to suit some one else. It's weak and misleading. I was alone when I was with my ex ( no friends, nothing no one but him) I didn't look for holes, I didn't second guess his word WHY because he was honest and he didn't agree with everything I said, I didn't look through his phone. I have doubted the things he has said because well he just tells me what I want to hear....why would he be any different for me when he does it for everyone else? Trust your gut instincts.
Author Blue08 Posted March 26, 2016 Author Posted March 26, 2016 I just felt like it was bs before and now I think its confirmed... Our relationship is freakishly a mirroring image of his last and I am supposed to believe it's better, it's different, why? because he says so? I have asked him do you like my kids? Why? because why they are he seems to be always hiding at work, because instead of hanging in the living room, he hides in the bedroom. Because when we are playing in the yard, he has to rake. He works all the time, he is "busy" all the time, or is he? I watch his kids all the time even when I don't have mine, like today for example, I bring 5 to 6 kids out to fun events by myself ALL the time because he has to work but it isn't an issue for him to get out work when we don't have the kids. Guess what, his ex did the same thing and then he complained to me that her kids were annoying......hmmmm So either one he said those to her and didn't mean it which is a lie or two he is telling me he didn't because it's what he thinks I want to hear, well thats a lie. So he has only called me beautiful and said it to her once, but he felt bad for saying because he doesn't think she is. but I am. hahahaha, yeah thats bull**** and I saw it. Im not jealous, I'm not pissed he said this stuff to her. I got to see a taste of his character that I was concerned about before this, what he did to this women is bs. And I don't want it done to me...he moved this women in his house who he told he was madly in love with ( he said he didn't want to) then broke up with her 3 months later and she had to move her and her kids into a scummy apartment after she cooked, cleaned, and watched his kids.
Author Blue08 Posted March 26, 2016 Author Posted March 26, 2016 I feel like telling him to take his fluffy words shove em. And I think he did save her underwear, or he met up with some one and got a new pair.....I cleaned out those drawers TWICE, and they were stuck to pants he never wears....fishy..(pun intended) How in the hell could I miss that refolding all the clothes (twice) on separate occasions and then mistakenly find them when getting an outfit out for him....TWICE, on different occasions.....oh yeah the first ones were dirty with snail trails... But yeah they went through the wash and got stuck to his clothes.
soph-walker Posted March 26, 2016 Posted March 26, 2016 OP I feel for you, you clearly don't trust your boyfriend and this may be deeper and further reaching than you have stated on this thread. If you trusted him implicitly and were secure enough in your relationship, seeing texts to an ex wouldn't be ruffling your feathers this much. Coupled with the panties. I think you either move on from this and just go back to your relationship or you break up with him once you've identified the real reason you're not trusting him right now. It would probably come like a bolt from the blue if you were to break up with him without discussing it first so choose wisely, don't live in regret. Wishing you luck, hon.
kendahke Posted March 26, 2016 Posted March 26, 2016 I agree counseling would probably help. I just don't like liars, I don't like people who just say things just to suit some one else. It's weak and misleading. I was alone when I was with my ex ( no friends, nothing no one but him) I didn't look for holes, I didn't second guess his word WHY because he was honest and he didn't agree with everything I said, I didn't look through his phone. I have doubted the things he has said because well he just tells me what I want to hear....why would he be any different for me when he does it for everyone else? I'll sit on it for a bit, but this is not looking good right now.... Inability to trust someone is more than sufficient reason to move out and end the relationship. Question is: why don't you do that instead of torturing yourself by staying with someone whose word you doubt on a daily basis? 2
kendahke Posted March 26, 2016 Posted March 26, 2016 Well I grew up in another state, and then moved here in 2008. I stated home and raised my kids and thats all I did. So, your 4 yr old is his child?
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