jimbo_kimbo Posted March 25, 2016 Posted March 25, 2016 OK so this is my first post and might be a long thread so please bear with me. I was in a relationship with this woman for about 1.5 years. I was 31 and she was 28 when we met and neither one of us has been married/kids or anything. When we met and we were living about 200 miles away; semi-LDR. When we met we fell in love right away. And she was the only girlfriend that I have said I love you to. During the relationship I did see a lot of red flags though. She took a lot of prescribed anti-anxiety meds, had flaky tendencies, emotionally unstable, borderline bipolar, liked to dress provactively when she went out, high maintenance/princess/materialistic/only child, major daddy issues, seemed to lie, she didn't have a lot of friends, had tattoos, passive aggressive tendencies, lacked communication skills (i.e. would go silent when there were important relationship issues I wanted to talk about). But at the same time, she was really charming and fun,was smart, funny and a legit 10/10 physically. I would go up to see her every chance I could because I was so in love. She was the one who said I love you first and said I was different from everyone else, said we were soul mates and I was the best boyfriend ever. She wanted to get married, have kids and a family with me. We went ring shopping (her idea), I met her parents, she met mine, we went on great trips together, never fought and got along when we were together. And thought my life was complete. I was really good to her, and gave her emotional support when she needed it, patient, loving, never needy or jealous. I thought that even though it could be difficult being married to someone like that, I was willing to make it work because I loved her even with her issues. After about a year she wanted me to move in together where she lived and I was planning to move and start a life with her. Before I moved, one day out of the blue she told me that her feelings have changed for me and that she thought we weren't a good match and said that the reason was that she said that after a year and a half she just now realized that we weren't sexually compatible. She had a lot more partners before me whereas I did not but I think it the incompatibility issue was just my lack of experience. She texted me and said that she saw me now more as a friend than a boyfriend and that I should find someone who loves me as much as you love them. She never communicated that she was having such an issue with it the entire time I was crushed and heartbroken, never begged or pleaded for her back said goodbye and have been going NC for a 5 weeks now to heal myself and to move on. I still think about her all the time still and want us to be together. I haven't been able to sleep or eat much since and been going through a lot of grief. What do I do? I know that if we just communicated what she liked and what she didn't like in bed, we could have worked that out and I know that the sexual compatibility might not have been an issue. Do I try to establish contact see if we can work it out or just give up and move on? Was there something else? Was I being played the whole time? did she ever love me? or was there someone else in the picture? So confused. Please help. Thanks. 1
Ami1uwant Posted March 25, 2016 Posted March 25, 2016 Usually sexual compatability issues can be addressed prior to it being the break up reason. How were you with sex...turning her down? Only do it missionary in bed? If she lost something during s3x like she wasn't turned on like she used to then it was from something else in the relationship. How much did you two fight. 1
Steven1 Posted March 25, 2016 Posted March 25, 2016 (edited) During the relationship I did see a lot of red flags though. She took a lot of prescribed anti-anxiety meds, had flaky tendencies, emotionally unstable, borderline bipolar, liked to dress provactively when she went out, high maintenance/princess/materialistic/only child, major daddy issues, seemed to lie, she didn't have a lot of friends, had tattoos, passive aggressive tendencies, lacked communication skills (i.e. would go silent when there were important relationship issues I wanted to talk about). I think that sadly she needs a lot of help, professional help before she will be able to commit to any substantial relationship. If anything I think any relationship wouldn't be a wise move for her until she has dealt with her issues. I think best case scenario for her/you at the moment would be to try and help her through this as I very much doubt she has fully overcome any of those issues, and that will impact on any relationship. I think as well that sadly she pretty much put the writing on the wall saying that she didn't think you nor her were sexually compatible for one another, she probably could have done more to communicate to you what she liked in bed and what she didn't, but from the sound of it from you're saying, I don't think that anything will change between you and her relationship wise until she gets help with her issues. Edited March 25, 2016 by Steven1 1
Author jimbo_kimbo Posted March 25, 2016 Author Posted March 25, 2016 Hey Ami1uwant, I never turned down sex and we would do all sorts of ways. But I made sure I was never pushy or initiate it when when she didn't want to. We actually didn't fight much at all. We got along great and maybe a few times if there was a disagreement I tried to see her point of view and work it out without fighting. 1
mikeylo Posted March 25, 2016 Posted March 25, 2016 She could be using it as an excuse to break up. Not the right way but you can't do much. 3
Tahirthegreat Posted March 25, 2016 Posted March 25, 2016 You'll find better. Move on. Good luck to you. 4
Versacehottie Posted March 25, 2016 Posted March 25, 2016 I'm confused. That's a sh*tload of red flags. I think you will surely find better. Try not to be the guy who rescues someone. For a ton of reasons but one that comes to mind for your current situation is that there won't be enough sexual/emotional tension there if you are someone's crutch or constant supporter in spite of bad treatment. If you put someone up on a pedestal too much they won't respect you or be attracted to you. There needs to be more equal balance. I'm just guessing you might have been too 'nice' a guy to someone who didn't always deserve it from you and that is part of reason she lost interest. Have your own stuff going on--it's infinitely more attractive. Good luck and hang in there. I think in your case no contact is the way to go. You just need time to get over your grief. Be kind to yourself. 1
Ami1uwant Posted March 25, 2016 Posted March 25, 2016 Hey Ami1uwant, I never turned down sex and we would do all sorts of ways. But I made sure I was never pushy or initiate it when when she didn't want to. We actually didn't fight much at all. We got along great and maybe a few times if there was a disagreement I tried to see her point of view and work it out without fighting. There is so.ething else and she isn't saying...using the sex as a reason. The only way she could use it is if you were missing when she wanted it or was upset if she always had to initiate. This is where communication comes in. 2
preraph Posted March 25, 2016 Posted March 25, 2016 I'm sorry this came out of the blue for you. Yes, it would have been nice if there had been enough communication where she at least dropped hints before, but with something like sexuality, sometimes talking about not being satisfied with it can do more harm than good. And please don't think this makes you incompatible sexually with other women. Every woman is different. Some women, maybe most, like very assertive confident guys, but like an old friend of mine always liked the sweet tender quieter guys. And all that translates to sexual style, don't think it doesn't. Don't get focused on whether she got off or not, because honestly making that happens also varies from woman to woman and man to man. It's kind of a part of learning someone new that you show them what you like. But it's for that reason that I'm assuming this is more about your overall demeanor and personality and her finding that for her familiarity got too familiar and lost the sexual edge. That happens. So don't place blame on yourself. It seems like a no-fault thing to me. Be glad you didn't marry and have a kid and THEN find out she was done having sex or something like that. Better now than later. Give yourself time to mourn, but then make yourself call friends and get busy socially. Don't look at her social media or do anything to remind you. Talk to someone about it, a close friend or family member, but then cut that off too and start avoiding the subject and concentrate more on just having a good time when you're being social and build your life back up that way. I'm sorry, and good luck. You'll be fine. It happens to literally everyone, and it hurts, but we're stronger for it down the line. 1
lolablue17 Posted March 25, 2016 Posted March 25, 2016 She is attracted to and wants to try other men. Lots of women would have cheated, she hasn't. She came and told you flat forward. I don't think there's anything you can do about it. She abandoned you, of course you feel sad. Maybe you should try to date other women. 2
Satu Posted March 25, 2016 Posted March 25, 2016 (edited) You can't be someones boyfriend and therapist at the same time. Take care. Edited March 25, 2016 by Satu 2
kztar Posted March 25, 2016 Posted March 25, 2016 I agree with other posters here. The sexual incompatibility sounds more like a poor excuse. My ex and I had little to zero sexual compatibility and I never thought of leaving him for that. Im very sexual as oppose to him that is not too sexually experienced. With that being said, move on. She has deeper issues she must solve on her own before she's in a commited relationship. 1
Author jimbo_kimbo Posted March 25, 2016 Author Posted March 25, 2016 Thank you everyone for your insightful responses. Every viewpoint is helping me get through and get some kind of closure. I've never been dumped before or really been so crazy in love with someone in my life. She was literally THE most beautiful girl I had ever met. Perfect Face, Perfect Body. I guess I did really put her on a pedestal in more ways than one. Its been really tough and just been feeling like such piece of trash for over a month now and the fact that got discarded because she dumped me. (Through a brief text nonetheless), and its probably so easy for her to move on after almost a 2-year long relationship. I keep feeling like I really didn't measure up to her. I'm a good looking guy, fun-loving, have a well paying job, supportive family, lots of great friends, values, am social, well educated, confident and never doubted myself until now. This past month I've just been thinking that I'm not good enough because this was the first since I was 17 (32 now) that I was so blinded in love with someone. I was willing to go to the ends of the earth for this girl. Fkin sucks.
preraph Posted March 25, 2016 Posted March 25, 2016 It does suck. But as you know, you have all the qualities to find another girlfriend once you're emotionally available again. Just goes to show that beauty isn't everything.
LostOnes05 Posted March 25, 2016 Posted March 25, 2016 You have to break all contact with her. Other than that follow the advice of other posters. It definitely does suck, especially when you don't see it coming. In my opinion, her saying it was sex when she didn't even bring it up before is crap. Feels like it was just meant to lower your self-esteem...don't let it. She's a poor communicator at best. You can't have a lasting relationship with someone who brings up stuff like that after they are already out the door.
ShootingStarlet Posted March 26, 2016 Posted March 26, 2016 I just want to post a quick reply to say that from your brief description of her, it sounds like she might be someone who could potentially suffer from borderline personality disorder which I do, and if that is the case, it would make sense for her to want to break up with you as things were getting serious because we have big abandonment issues and if things start getting too close and serious, we worry we might be left and lose everything, so we leave before that can happen...I don't know if this is your ex girlfriend at all! But I would say that she definitely loved you but she has childhood trauma that prevents her from being too close with someone and being in a serious relationship, which is quite sad as she's the one who lost the most, she lost someone who loved her and wouldn't leave.
Author jimbo_kimbo Posted March 30, 2016 Author Posted March 30, 2016 ShootingStarlet - Thank you for your insight. Now that you mention it, I actually sort of remembered in passing she was diagnosed with some sort of mild BPD. I didn't know about it so didn't think anything of it but now after reading about it online she definitely exhibited a lot of those characteristics of that of a high-functioning, internal BPD. She would be so good and sweet most of the time and I loved her with my whole heart and would've tried to get her the help she needed. I definitely noticed these things though: - traumatic childhood experience, (nothing sexual done to her or anything but caught her father cheating and said it triggered her psychological issues. She was 20 when it happened) - panic attacks - constantly saying contradicting statements - patterns of unstable and interpersonal relationships - unstable self-image, constantly changing her hair, plastic surgery, got tattoos on impulse, got one of us, took selfies ALL the time. - Impulsive spending, substance abuse - Instability in mood, she would detach to and reattach to me almost randomly - Chronic feelings of emptiness. - Internalized anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights) - Very good liar/ manipulator - loved the extremes, cute and cuddly things, stuffed animals, kittens, etc and also loved watching horror/scary movies (helped her sleep at night) - hyper-sexual tendencies, partied with some shady people, really enjoyed strip clubs, talked way more than usual about sex
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