She wants a break after 6 years...

[idontknowwhy30]

Hey All,

 

I don't usually post on forums and I am pretty reserved when it comes to my feelings. This situation has basically destroyed me emotionally, so I am reaching out to seek some advice or answers for what is happening in my life. I am sorry if it is a bit scattered - I am trying to provide the relevant information and not leave anything out.

 

I am a 29 year old guy and my girlfriend just turned 30 this year. We began dating in graduate school at college and we hit it off great. I am her first boyfriend and she is my first 'real' girlfriend - by 'real' I mean we both have invested ourselves emotionally, physically and socially to the relationship. I've had other relationships prior to this and I used to be one of those 'party' people that will go out, get drunk, find some girl at a party/club and then she would be my girlfriend from anything from a day to a couple months. Her on the other hand, has never had a boyfriend before - not because she couldn't it was more like she did not want to.

 

Somehow, I managed to date her and make her my girlfriend. We've been a strong couple and I was sure that she was the one for me. She was also very affectionate and we would do basically everything together - from trips, to eating out with our families, etc. We've also done long distance before because of her work and my work - and it worked out fine even over really long distances (she had work in China when I was working in the US).

 

After several career changes on both of our parts, we somewhat decided to stay in the college town where we met. This was 2 years ago. The past year is where it gets complicated. She quit her job because it was too stressful for her and she wanted a change in career - I supported her throughout this decision and wanted her to find something that she was passionate about. She has a lot of money saved up and her family is pretty wealthy so she basically decided to take it easy. That being said, she still has not found out what she wanted to do in the past 12 months, she did try a few things here and there but they never really worked out for her - again, I still supported her and told her to do whatever makes her happy.

 

On my end, my career was also taking a hit. I left a good job 9 months ago and decided to start a business with my friend. I invested the majority of my savings into this project and she supported me the whole way through it - saying that we should both do what we want to do if we are not happy with the way our careers were going. I was happy. Although it was stressful starting things out on my own and having that looming feeling of losing it all under my head, I knew that I still had the support of my girlfriend. Simultaneously, I had devised a plan to propose to her in July of this year - I started this process in August of last year when I was just starting out my new business. All of my friends, family and our mutual friends knew about my intentions.

 

We have talked about marriage over the past 2 years and I made it clear that I was going to marry her but it was the question of when. She knew that I was undecided about our marriage date due to the fact that our financial situation is up in the air - me being a recent entrepreneur and her being unemployed at this point.

 

This is where things hit the fan. 3 months ago, her father (who lives in China) had a heart attack and was hospitalized and he may/may not survive. She is really close with her family - she comes from a traditional Chinese family. She told me that she has to go back and see her family and I was totally understanding and supportive of her going back. She wanted her trip to last until either her dad recovers or passes and I was fine with that because I trusted her completely. We talked every day either via call or text but everything seemed fine until a few days ago.

 

I called her up as usual and I wanted to bring up the topic of vacation - It is already March and I wanted her to free up her schedule in July for the proposal. When I asked her about vacationing, she was distant and said that she did not want to go - which was weird because she loves travelling. I asked her why, and she said that she needs a break from our relationship. I was completely taken off guard - there must have been at least 5 minutes of silence on the phone. I asked her why she wants a break - her answer: all of her friends that are getting married were 100% sure that they wanted to get married to that guy, she said she was not 100% sure - she sees me more as a best friend. I asked her why she felt that way and she could not answer. She said that she still loved me but she needs some time to figure her own things out - she wants to find out about her career, she wants to find out if she should stay in China or come back here, and she wants to figure out whether I am the one. She said that we've been apart for a while and she doesn't feel lonely anymore and that she's missing me less. I asked if this is something we can work out together without a break and she said that she just needs space for herself to figure things out. I asked her if there was someone else, she said that there wasn't but her extended family have been trying to set her up on dates since 'she's marrying age'. I asked if she wanted to see other people on this break - she said that she's not sure. I asked how much time does she need - she said she's not sure. She kept apologizing on the phone and it was really weird. I trust that she hasn't cheated on me but it seems like there is family pressure for her to meet other guys. As I said before, her family is wealthy and although they were OK with me for the most part - I can see how they are trying to set her up with people of the same social class.

 

I told her that we can't be on an indefinite break, there must be a time line. I arranged it so we go 1 week with no contact first and then from there we will check in and see where we are at and decide from there. I also told her to let me know if she decides to go date someone else since she doesn't know what she wants at this point. I also told her what was at stake, I said that she is my best friend and lover and that if we part ways after this - there is no possible way I can be friends with her even if she wanted that. I told her that if there was something about my behavior that she wanted to change to let me know and I would change it. I said that I am willing to fight for this to work and I hope that she can see how committed I am to her and this relationship. I told her that I want to write her a letter about how I feel and where I wanted our relationship to go (Since we've been together, we used to write each other letters (hand written letters) and deliver them by post when we were abroad for work or vacation, and on holidays and birthdays). She said that I was always better at communicating via letters and said she would be happy to receive it. I also told her that when she comes to making a decision that I want to hear it in person rather than via the phone or a text since we've been together for so long.

 

Since then, I've been a wreck. I've pretty much reverted back to my behavior back to when I was in my 20s, I haven't slept with anyone but I have gone out to parties and basically got completely obliterated with alcohol and now drugs (I used to work in high finance and never participated in it before but being depressed and with my old boys around me I just went for it). I feel like I am crumbling apart .

 

Today is Friday. She sent me a message saying "I got your letter". And I know that she received the letter two days ago because I had to send it via UPS Global express and they sent me a confirmation it was received.... My response was "good. do you want to talk?" and her response was "Sunday" (the day we scheduled to talk). Why the hell did you message me then???!

 

So guys and gals, I am confused right now - I do not know what to think or what to do. I am basically continuing this horrible lifestyle - I arranged with friends to go party/drinking tonight and tomorrow night and have basically gone from a homebody (who I was for the past 6 years) to a drunk frat boy (who I used to be).

[Steven1]

I can kind of relate to this a bit mate. My 7 year relationship recently ended with my ex more or less giving the same reasons as she didn't want a relationship at this moment in time (due to busy University schedule) etc and that she had a lot of pressure on her from parents as they are paying for her full uni education and she didn't want to let them down and wants to be career focused..

 

I think (and you probably already know this) that the problems here started when her father became Ill, I think it will boil down to when she got back home to China (I could be wrong) I wonder if she thinks that if her father does or doesn't make it, that she feels some sort of commitment to her family to fulfill what their wishes for her may be, for her to marry someone there or for her father to see her get married to someone that the family may know etc. It's not unheard of sadly.

 

I think she's had quite a bit of pressure on her, as have you, you've both gone into new territory recently, you starting your own business and her leaving her career behind to try and find something that she wants, I think a lack of not finding a job that she likes for the best part of a year, a long with her father becoming Ill, has made her question everything and may lead her to think that she needs to start fresh from the beginning, sadly this looks to be the case.

 

You don't want to be going back to drinking, believe me..., I know it seems as if it's a coping mechanism but it's not, you end up drinking to forget, only to remember the next day and it's a repeated cycle that only leads to wreck and ruin for yourself, so try to stay a bit more steady on the drinking part. By all means go out with friends, but limit yourself on the drink, and definite no to the drugs. I would probably suggest you try to speak to a doctor or Councillor if you feel you have to.

 

As far as the contact/friends/situation in general, I think it was a good idea to put a timeline on it, at least that way you know yourself where you stand. Stick to your original time line, maybe give it another week. If nothing is resolved by then you know the situation and as hard as it is, at least you know from that point that you will be moving on, slowly but surely.

[BlueIris]

Having a close family member near death and gathering with family often has a profound effect on someone’s outlook on life. People take stock, reflect, look forward, evaluate their path- soul-searching, I guess.

 

My dad died in January and I broke up with my BF (of ~15 months) the week after my dad’s death. It was so clear that my BF wasn’t the right person for me and that our life together would not be the kind of life I wanted. My dad’s death made me realize that I shouldn’t waste time, anyone’s time, because it’s too short and precious.

 

Your GF is more ready for marriage than you are. Maybe she’s realized this and realized something that you haven’t seen, or that you two don’t see the same way. Getting “completely obliterated” with alcohol and drugs, and “reverting” could be an indicator that you’re not ready to take on such a serious lifetime commitment. That’s fine! It wouldn’t make you a bad person at all, but maybe just a person who isn’t on the same wavelength she is.

Edited March 25, 2016 by BlueIris

[preraph]

Six years is a long time to be together without marrying. The problem with that is (or maybe not a problem to some) couples do sometimes lose that spark of attraction after so long together. If you'd already been married, then she might have resigned herself to live with that (some don't mind it -- others it drives them batty) for the sake of marriage and children.

 

But she's not married and now the bloom is off the rose. She has no reason to hang in there. She's still young. Going back may have been because she wanted to think this over or might have truly been about her dad. Either way, it has probably made her start questioning her life, as she has said.

 

If being away has not made her miss you a lot and want to be with her man, I'm afraid it's just not a good situation. The problem is now she sounds like she might want to remain friends, which would be torture for you. So be thinking about what's good for you now, as you proceed through this separation, and I wish you luck.

[idontknowwhy30]

Hey Guys,

 

Update - I talked to her after 1 week of NC.

 

I stopped doing all the boozing / drugs, etc. I had a cathartic experience pretty much cried my eyes out at a party and realized I have to get my **** together.

 

So anyways we had our scheduled call and I think it went well - I acted normal as if nothing really happened and that I am just giving her the space that she wanted. We talked about what we did this past week (minus me getting obliterated for at least 3 days of the past week). She said that she still had feelings for me but she doesn't know what she wants at this time. She says she is still unsure about career, about where she wants to be, and that she doesn't want to 'hold me back' since I just started my business. I told her that I can run my business from anywhere - if she wants to stay in China, I can move there and work there. I asked her if she wanted me to come and see her - since I will be going to China in a couple of weeks anyways for a trade show - she said that she doesn't have her answer yet and still needs time and space. I asked if she was seeing anyone or has been on dates, and she said she hasn't.

 

She received my letter and said it was sweet and I can see her holding back tears on FaceTime. I do not know what to think guys. This is so confusing. I told her that I will give her space and that I wouldn't be contacting her to respect her wishes but she can contact me if she feels like she wants to catch up (did i screw up there?).

 

What are your thoughts on all this? I have pretty much made peace with the fact that she wants a break and I'm focusing all of my time on my business at this point. I do want her back but I really don't know how to read this situation - it seems like she's torn about something but I don't know what's up.

 

Hey All,

 

I don't usually post on forums and I am pretty reserved when it comes to my feelings. This situation has basically destroyed me emotionally, so I am reaching out to seek some advice or answers for what is happening in my life. I am sorry if it is a bit scattered - I am trying to provide the relevant information and not leave anything out.

 

I am a 29 year old guy and my girlfriend just turned 30 this year. We began dating in graduate school at college and we hit it off great. I am her first boyfriend and she is my first 'real' girlfriend - by 'real' I mean we both have invested ourselves emotionally, physically and socially to the relationship. I've had other relationships prior to this and I used to be one of those 'party' people that will go out, get drunk, find some girl at a party/club and then she would be my girlfriend from anything from a day to a couple months. Her on the other hand, has never had a boyfriend before - not because she couldn't it was more like she did not want to.

 

Somehow, I managed to date her and make her my girlfriend. We've been a strong couple and I was sure that she was the one for me. She was also very affectionate and we would do basically everything together - from trips, to eating out with our families, etc. We've also done long distance before because of her work and my work - and it worked out fine even over really long distances (she had work in China when I was working in the US).

 

After several career changes on both of our parts, we somewhat decided to stay in the college town where we met. This was 2 years ago. The past year is where it gets complicated. She quit her job because it was too stressful for her and she wanted a change in career - I supported her throughout this decision and wanted her to find something that she was passionate about. She has a lot of money saved up and her family is pretty wealthy so she basically decided to take it easy. That being said, she still has not found out what she wanted to do in the past 12 months, she did try a few things here and there but they never really worked out for her - again, I still supported her and told her to do whatever makes her happy.

 

On my end, my career was also taking a hit. I left a good job 9 months ago and decided to start a business with my friend. I invested the majority of my savings into this project and she supported me the whole way through it - saying that we should both do what we want to do if we are not happy with the way our careers were going. I was happy. Although it was stressful starting things out on my own and having that looming feeling of losing it all under my head, I knew that I still had the support of my girlfriend. Simultaneously, I had devised a plan to propose to her in July of this year - I started this process in August of last year when I was just starting out my new business. All of my friends, family and our mutual friends knew about my intentions.

 

We have talked about marriage over the past 2 years and I made it clear that I was going to marry her but it was the question of when. She knew that I was undecided about our marriage date due to the fact that our financial situation is up in the air - me being a recent entrepreneur and her being unemployed at this point.

 

This is where things hit the fan. 3 months ago, her father (who lives in China) had a heart attack and was hospitalized and he may/may not survive. She is really close with her family - she comes from a traditional Chinese family. She told me that she has to go back and see her family and I was totally understanding and supportive of her going back. She wanted her trip to last until either her dad recovers or passes and I was fine with that because I trusted her completely. We talked every day either via call or text but everything seemed fine until a few days ago.

 

I called her up as usual and I wanted to bring up the topic of vacation - It is already March and I wanted her to free up her schedule in July for the proposal. When I asked her about vacationing, she was distant and said that she did not want to go - which was weird because she loves travelling. I asked her why, and she said that she needs a break from our relationship. I was completely taken off guard - there must have been at least 5 minutes of silence on the phone. I asked her why she wants a break - her answer: all of her friends that are getting married were 100% sure that they wanted to get married to that guy, she said she was not 100% sure - she sees me more as a best friend. I asked her why she felt that way and she could not answer. She said that she still loved me but she needs some time to figure her own things out - she wants to find out about her career, she wants to find out if she should stay in China or come back here, and she wants to figure out whether I am the one. She said that we've been apart for a while and she doesn't feel lonely anymore and that she's missing me less. I asked if this is something we can work out together without a break and she said that she just needs space for herself to figure things out. I asked her if there was someone else, she said that there wasn't but her extended family have been trying to set her up on dates since 'she's marrying age'. I asked if she wanted to see other people on this break - she said that she's not sure. I asked how much time does she need - she said she's not sure. She kept apologizing on the phone and it was really weird. I trust that she hasn't cheated on me but it seems like there is family pressure for her to meet other guys. As I said before, her family is wealthy and although they were OK with me for the most part - I can see how they are trying to set her up with people of the same social class.

 

I told her that we can't be on an indefinite break, there must be a time line. I arranged it so we go 1 week with no contact first and then from there we will check in and see where we are at and decide from there. I also told her to let me know if she decides to go date someone else since she doesn't know what she wants at this point. I also told her what was at stake, I said that she is my best friend and lover and that if we part ways after this - there is no possible way I can be friends with her even if she wanted that. I told her that if there was something about my behavior that she wanted to change to let me know and I would change it. I said that I am willing to fight for this to work and I hope that she can see how committed I am to her and this relationship. I told her that I want to write her a letter about how I feel and where I wanted our relationship to go (Since we've been together, we used to write each other letters (hand written letters) and deliver them by post when we were abroad for work or vacation, and on holidays and birthdays). She said that I was always better at communicating via letters and said she would be happy to receive it. I also told her that when she comes to making a decision that I want to hear it in person rather than via the phone or a text since we've been together for so long.

 

Since then, I've been a wreck. I've pretty much reverted back to my behavior back to when I was in my 20s, I haven't slept with anyone but I have gone out to parties and basically got completely obliterated with alcohol and now drugs (I used to work in high finance and never participated in it before but being depressed and with my old boys around me I just went for it). I feel like I am crumbling apart .

 

Today is Friday. She sent me a message saying "I got your letter". And I know that she received the letter two days ago because I had to send it via UPS Global express and they sent me a confirmation it was received.... My response was "good. do you want to talk?" and her response was "Sunday" (the day we scheduled to talk). Why the hell did you message me then???!

 

So guys and gals, I am confused right now - I do not know what to think or what to do. I am basically continuing this horrible lifestyle - I arranged with friends to go party/drinking tonight and tomorrow night and have basically gone from a homebody (who I was for the past 6 years) to a drunk frat boy (who I used to be).

[Steven1]

I think at the minute mate there's not to much more you can do. It's a situation where there is yet to be a Yes or No answer to what will happen to you as a couple. It seems as though she herself is still unsure so if she needs more time then that's up to you if you want to give her that and see what happens. Same as the first time though you want to try and have a time line on it. You don't want it to drag on as it's not good for either of you to be in the unknown on your futures.

 

I think you just have to wait for now sadly. To me anyway as you said it sounds as though she does want to be together but that something is stopping her from going through with it. May be issues with her family on that aspect of it, could just be her uncertainty over her future in general.

[Marc878]

Don't fool yourself here. Usually a break is to date/explore other people.

 

Maybe her family is influencing this and maybe not but this was her decision.

 

There is more here than what she's telling. No matter what it's better it comes now than later after marriage and kids involved.

 

I'd start focusing on my life and leave the ball in her court. Altering your life plans for someone who is undecided about her career, etc is foolish.

 

Don't be a doormat at this time.

[Mrin]

People are in our lives for a reason, a season or a lifetime. Your season may be over. Sadly.

 

I can tell you this - echoing what others have said above - there's nothing you can do to help the situation and plenty you can do to hurt it.

 

I don't believe in breaks. You are or you are not. Simple as that. But since you already agreed to this the best you can do is manage it. Give her space. Don't contact her unless she contacts you or you have agreed upon times to chat like Sunday. When you do talk be warm and loving. But no compromising or begging like you have been.

 

Here's the thing dude - all she know is you. She's ready for marriage. But she had no perspective on the situation. She's back in China with a very traditional and wealthy family that is probably badgering her to marry there. I'm not saying the grass is greener on the other side but she probably doesn't even know what the color of the grass is! You have to let her figure this out on her own. And yes that may mean she dates some guys.

 

You also need to figure yourself out dude. You have "want what you can't have-itis" bad. You were together for 6 years. If you really wanted to marry her that badly you would have. You put a plan together a year ago to just ask her to marry. A year of planning on top of 5 years dating just to pop the question? Dudes who are ready to marry The One don't do that.

 

I'm not saying she isn't The One. Maybe she is. But like you said - you never really dated anyone else. But it is clear you weren't ready to marry her.

 

Take some time for yourself. Figure out what you really want. Not just what you want but can't have.

 

Best of luck.

[Chi townD]

In my opinion, dude. She's already dated or has been on dates or is currently dating someone. She has no reason to tell you the truth and make herself the bad guy in all of this. Plus, you have no way to verify or not.

 

You need to go NC on her. She needs to see what life is going to be like without you in it.

[Itspointless]

Hi idontknowwhy30, how was her relation with her father (and mother)?

[idontknowwhy30]

She's really close with her family. Like many Asian families - the 'family' is often put first and gets priority over everything. So their opinion really does matter. I can tell that something is wrong and I'm sure that she is getting pressured by her parents to find someone that is of the same 'social standing' and culture.

 

Although I do have some doubts whether she's been on dates / dating someone else right now. I really do think she's not the type to do that but I guess time will tell. I am beginning to think this is more of a family expectation vs. what she wants.

 

Ultimately it is up to her to decide. I will give her the time - I will keep myself occupied with my business. The funny thing is that going through this break is extremely motivating to me not only for me to go out and exercise like I used to in university but to get more deals done and grow my business (strange?).

[Steven1]

She's really close with her family. Like many Asian families - the 'family' is often put first and gets priority over everything. So their opinion really does matter. I can tell that something is wrong and I'm sure that she is getting pressured by her parents to find someone that is of the same 'social standing' and culture.

 

Although I do have some doubts whether she's been on dates / dating someone else right now. I really do think she's not the type to do that but I guess time will tell. I am beginning to think this is more of a family expectation vs. what she wants.

 

Ultimately it is up to her to decide. I will give her the time - I will keep myself occupied with my business. The funny thing is that going through this break is extremely motivating to me not only for me to go out and exercise like I used to in university but to get more deals done and grow my business (strange?).

 

 

I know how you feel regarding the dating thing mate. My ex contacted me the other day and said it out that in the near future she will be with someone else (maybe not as a relationship but you know) and that killed me.

 

As with many families such as hers as you said, they are often tight knit and there is often a feeling of 'having' to do something that the parents want as they believe it's the right thing to do rather than it being what they want to do.

 

I have a feeling that there has been input from her family on this, and that may be why she is still asking for him. It could be a choice in her head does she defy her family and come back to you, does she try to convince them? or does she go through with what they want and she just cant bring herself to tell you.

 

As I said, try to put a timeline on a decision as it being dragged out isn't good for either of you.

[Itspointless]

Yeah, I know that Asian people are very focused on family I asked because a dying parent can turn your world and sense of self upside down in a way least expected. I have experienced it as an adolescent, really lost myself there. Family-expectations or the feeling to have failed parents are yet another thing. She also just turned 30, it is kind of an pivotal age, especially for women.

 

I think it is a really good thing you can focus on your business as a positive outlet right now. Kick some ass there man!

[Heartbreak Hotel]

Hey man, I was in your position not long ago but for me it didn't work out and I'm left distraught, hopeless, depressed and there's nothing I can ****ing do about it. Girl of my dreams, everything was fine. Proposed last June and was meant to be marrying her this August but in January she pulled the plug. Reasons were a bit odd, and like you I gave her space but turns out now and about 3 weeks later she was sleeping with someone else and now it seems they're in a relationship. He was married and separated in January and I'll never know what really happened and it eats away at me every minute of every day. I'm financially crippled with all the cancellation fees and I've lost someone who i thought was the one.. So that feeling is horrendous and I pray this isn't the case for you.

 

For your story I can see similarities in that she's asked for space and time to think things over but honestly don't be fooled. I'm not saying she's been on dates or is seeing someone else but please prepare yourself for it. Sometimes people for whatever reason can't be honest and just be straight with you. I wrote a letter, I did everything I could think of to express how i felt but in the end it was too late, we were friends more than lovers... And it's hard not to blame yourself for not doing more and maybe for being to comfortable? Was that how it was for you? I said being comfortable can be a good thing.. Anyway I found out she was seeing this co worker and she lied to my face. I'm just giving you my story and to see if you can relate.

 

My honest advice, work on yourself (prepare just in case) the worst happens. Support her when she needs it regarding her father. Be cool like you say you have been and maybe keep giving her space. There's not a lot you can do at this point man but I do really hope it works out for you. My break up has broken me and ruined my life and I'm really trying to find a way to get better again.

 

Ill keep reading your posts and hope you get a happy ending!

 

Zak

[idontknowwhy30]

People are in our lives for a reason, a season or a lifetime. Your season may be over. Sadly.

 

I can tell you this - echoing what others have said above - there's nothing you can do to help the situation and plenty you can do to hurt it.

 

I don't believe in breaks. You are or you are not. Simple as that. But since you already agreed to this the best you can do is manage it. Give her space. Don't contact her unless she contacts you or you have agreed upon times to chat like Sunday. When you do talk be warm and loving. But no compromising or begging like you have been.

 

Here's the thing dude - all she know is you. She's ready for marriage. But she had no perspective on the situation. She's back in China with a very traditional and wealthy family that is probably badgering her to marry there. I'm not saying the grass is greener on the other side but she probably doesn't even know what the color of the grass is! You have to let her figure this out on her own. And yes that may mean she dates some guys.

 

You also need to figure yourself out dude. You have "want what you can't have-itis" bad. You were together for 6 years. If you really wanted to marry her that badly you would have. You put a plan together a year ago to just ask her to marry. A year of planning on top of 5 years dating just to pop the question? Dudes who are ready to marry The One don't do that.

 

I'm not saying she isn't The One. Maybe she is. But like you said - you never really dated anyone else. But it is clear you weren't ready to marry her.

 

Take some time for yourself. Figure out what you really want. Not just what you want but can't have.

 

Best of luck.

 

I thought about why I haven't proposed to her in the last 5 years and there are a bunch of reasons some valid and some are just silly.

 

We did long distance for probably a cumulative amount of 18 months out of those 5 years. First, we were together for 1 year after college - then I got a job offer that required me to travel 3 weeks out of the month so really, I just saw her for 1 week every month for about a year until I quit. Then about 6 months after I quit and everything was dandy, she got promoted to a position that relocated her to China, she moved over there for 6 months and we were doing long distance - I visited her once every 2 months. Then she came back to our college town and found another job, and then quit that after a year and wanted to find out what she wanted to do - at the same time I quit my job a few months later to start a business.

 

I think one of the reasons why I didn't marry her right off the bat was that I was too unsure about my career and I was putting my career first. The long distance didn't help - I think it was one step forward two steps back type of thing. Like we would be very very close when we were living in the same city but when we were doing Long Distance the distance takes a toll - only until we see each other things start to click again and all is well.

 

The other reason was my own insecurity about our financial future. I was making good money on average when compared to the average person but I always thought it wasn't enough. Her family's wealth eclipses anything that I can possibly make and I always had this nagging feeling in the back of my head that I need to make more before we get married so I can be accepted by her family. Also, her career (before she quit) was also very lucrative - so to live on my earnings alone with the same lifestyle that we were used to living was very difficult. I realize that this was a dumb idea that's why for the past year I basically said 'f--- it, I love her i'm going to marry her'.

 

I don't know anymore. I think I did make some mistakes in the past but you know hindsight is 20/20 and only now I realize a lot of the mistakes that I've made.

[Marc878]

[quote=idontknowwhy30;

 

Although I do have some doubts whether she's been on dates / dating someone else right now. I really do think she's not the type to do that but I guess time will tell. I am beginning to think this is more of a family expectation vs. what she wants.

 

Famous last words. I hope you are right as this would make your situation even worse but in reality this is pretty common.

 

This plays out all the time.

[idontknowwhy30]

I think if it does play out that way, at least I will get closure and I will be somewhat fine with it because that would mean she wasn't the person I thought she was.

[preraph]

Look, she feels bad dumping you and it's a loss and a big change for her too, so yes, she's sad. But she's been consistent about saying she doesn't think she wants to stay together. You should plan to move on.

[NYC_ABC]

Go NC immediately. Anything you do, say or put on her will throttle her in the opposite direction that you want her to go right now. Don't do drugs at all, and watch the booze. It makes your brain weak.

 

I'll say to you what someone said to me when I was in my early stage of a similar situation...you need to feel however you need to feel right now and most of it will be fight or flight denial, but you need to prepare that it's really over. It's incredibly tough to hear, but it appears she is done. You'll be ok. You seem like a smart guy in an urban area. That's a good spot to be in when your going through a breakup.

 

To reiterate...do NOT contact her. She will reach out if she feels she's making a massive mistake, which is the only way you should speak to her anyway.

[julienala]

Hey man,

 

Just want to say you're not alone. I'm new here as well and I'm going through almost the exact same thing right now. Wealthy family from China, left to see her family for a month, came back and said she didn't know if she has a future with me and wanted a break. Also said she was tired of waiting for me to propose, we've been together almost 5 years. Same reasons as you as to waiting to propose.. the financial pressure, her rich family, wanting to do something special like how her friends proposals were, all of that. Whatever it was, I waited too long and I didn't even realize it until it was too late. I thought we were so good, everything was perfect until she left and had 'time to reflect'. Before she left again for another trip, I found suspicious messages on her computer (not the best idea, I know).. with another man. It was in Chinese so I could only decipher what it meant through google translate but for broken english and all, it seemed a bit too intimate. I was numb to it at first and in these past few days its finally sinking in. She landed back today, and I made her a fancy dinner as if nothing was wrong but she's still distant and cold. Its like we're strangers in the same room. We're going to have the 'talk' soon and I know what it means and it breaks my heart. May have to stay at a friends house for a few days even so she can move all of stuff without me watching. So yeah, just wanted to say you're not alone dude and to really take care of yourself. Be strong and try to refrain from getting wasted. Hang out with good friends, focus on your business, go to the gym or go for a run, it works 10x better than alcohol or drugs, believe me I know.

 

Take care friend.

[idontknowwhy30]

Hey man,

 

Just want to say you're not alone. I'm new here as well and I'm going through almost the exact same thing right now. Wealthy family from China, left to see her family for a month, came back and said she didn't know if she has a future with me and wanted a break. Also said she was tired of waiting for me to propose, we've been together almost 5 years. Same reasons as you as to waiting to propose.. the financial pressure, her rich family, wanting to do something special like how her friends proposals were, all of that. Whatever it was, I waited too long and I didn't even realize it until it was too late. I thought we were so good, everything was perfect until she left and had 'time to reflect'. Before she left again for another trip, I found suspicious messages on her computer (not the best idea, I know).. with another man. It was in Chinese so I could only decipher what it meant through google translate but for broken english and all, it seemed a bit too intimate. I was numb to it at first and in these past few days its finally sinking in. She landed back today, and I made her a fancy dinner as if nothing was wrong but she's still distant and cold. Its like we're strangers in the same room. We're going to have the 'talk' soon and I know what it means and it breaks my heart. May have to stay at a friends house for a few days even so she can move all of stuff without me watching. So yeah, just wanted to say you're not alone dude and to really take care of yourself. Be strong and try to refrain from getting wasted. Hang out with good friends, focus on your business, go to the gym or go for a run, it works 10x better than alcohol or drugs, believe me I know.

 

Take care friend.

 

Wow man. I'm sorry. Your view helps me gain a bit of perspective about my own issues. Perhaps our love was not enough to get over the social / cultural differences between our families.

 

I am preparing myself for the worst - that it is over - but at the same time I have this feeling of hope that we will bounce back better than ever. I do not know which feeling is worse at this point haha.

 

The more that I think about her it just makes me depressed - and my mind does tend to wander whether it be at the gym, or at work, or with friends, or with clients, there's always something that comes up that reminds me of her and just makes me sad. For instance, I went out for dinner with some clients and a there was a duck dish - I thought to myself "Oh she would really love this dish..." , or this morning when I was getting my morning coffee bumping into a former mutual classmate who asked me how she was doing...

 

It is really weird when you spend so much time with someone and your lives are so intertwined that you do not realize how much of it is connected until there is some sort of separation like this. We used to do everything together, now, I have to find things that are unrelated to her (at least I have my business) to occupy my time so I can move forward.

 

For me right now to get myself out of this never ending cycle of depression I try to tell myself that I have a lot going for me other than her. For those that are on a 'break' with their SO or just broke up, I think that you should really reflect on what you have going for you right now other than them. For me I can say that I am highly educated, I am relatively fit, I have my own business, I have a good group of friends, I have a good family, I am well traveled, I can cook and bake, I am a hopeless romantic, etc. It puts things in perspective for me - I think to myself, if she doesn't want what I have to offer, there are a number of women out there that would. This may just be my ego talking, but it does help relieve some of the sadness. Of course I am still in love with her, of course I think that there is no other woman that can compare to her, of course I want her back, of course I would change a million things about myself just so that we can be together again, of course I would move mountains for her. But.. It is her decision in the end and I will respect it. I can't force someone to love me and although there once was mutual love between us.