Lost, are we completely over?

[Monis]

My relationship of almost 2 years ended just recently. He broke up with me, we had been bickering on and off since the start of the new year and during this time he quit his job and his grandmother (who I had met and loved) passed away, I went to the funeral. Also my mom had to have surgery so I needed to take care of her.

 

Before all this had happened we were great. He told me he had fallen in love with me after our sixth date but didn't want to say anything; though he did finally tell me he loved me after six months together at his friends wedding. He took me to out of town weddings and vacations. He introduced me to all his friends and family, his parents loved me and I loved them, his mom told him recently "If I knew that was the last time I was going to see (my name), I would've said goodbye." I was a bit apprehensive for him to meet my mom but eventally he did, and she loved him.

 

He was just a really good down to earth guy. We spent thanksgiving and christmas with his family. He did want to be with me and even mentioned things about moving in together. Also when the topic of the future came up, asked how many children I wanted...I thought we would eventually end up together. Now I'm just left confused becuase I don't know what happend, he now wonders whether he'll even want to have children (he has close relatives with mental illness, including his uncle and his brother), and doesn't know if he'll have the patient with them. There was no cheating involved, we were fully commited to the relationship.

 

Since the breakup we met twice, once to oficially breakup face to face and the other to return each others belongings. He has told me he loves but has decided I need to move on. He looking for job right now and wants to focus on himself, I suppose. But he still has our image as his instagram profile, which confuses me and continues to "like" my photos (I have a instagram account for my dog so its public). I don't know whether we will get back together or not but I've forced myself to be productive and sign up for online dating site and focus on myself, even though its hard.

 

Any thoughts would be apprecaited. Thank you.

Edited March 25, 2016 by Monis

[strawberryshortstack]

My relationship of almost 2 years ended just recently. He broke up with me, we had been bickering on and off since the start of the new year and during this time he quit his job and his grandmother (who I had met and loved) passed away, I went to the funeral. Also my mom had to have surgery so I needed to take care of her.

 

Before all this had happened we were great. He told me he had fallen in love with me after our sixth date but didn't want to say anything; though he did finally tell me he loved me after six months together at his friends wedding. He took me to out of town weddings and vacations. He introduced me to all his friends and family, his parents loved me and I loved them, his mom told him recently "If I knew that was the last time I was going to see (my name), I would've said goodbye." I was a bit apprehensive for him to meet my mom but eventally he did, and she loved him.

 

He was just a really good down to earth guy. We spent thanksgiving and christmas with his family. He did want to be with me and even mentioned things about moving in together. Also when the topic of the future came up, asked how many children I wanted...I thought we would eventually end up together. Now I'm just left confused becuase I don't know what happend, he now wonders whether he'll even want to have children (he has close relatives with mental illness, including his uncle and his brother), and doesn't know if he'll have the patient with them. There was no cheating involved, we were fully commited to the relationship.

 

Since the breakup we met twice, once to oficially breakup face to face and the other to return each others belongings. He has told me he loves but has decided I need to move on. He looking for job right now and wants to focus on himself, I suppose. But he still has our image as his instagram profile, which confuses me and continues to "like" my photos (I have a instagram account for my dog so its public). I don't know whether we will get back together or not but I've forced myself to be productive and sign up for online dating site and focus on myself, even though its hard.

 

Any thoughts would be apprecaited. Thank you.

 

If you truly want to focus on yourself, it's better to not be on the dating site.

[spiderowl]

I'm sorry to hear it. I can understand why you feel confused. It's horrible when someone ends a relationship and you are left feeling you don't know why. Something just happened with him and he had doubts.

 

From the sound of it, he still wants to keep you in his sphere. He ended it though so he has no right. You are fully entitled to cut him out. I suspect you won't because you want him to come back. If he thinks he can keep you at arm's length and then call you back when he wants, he won't value you. Perhaps he was taking you for granted. Maybe there was some irreconcilable difference. It's impossible to know.

 

I don't feel you have moved on but you are trying to, going through the motions as it were. At some level, you need to decide whether you are casting him off for good or not. This is something that happens unconsciously and hasn't yet. Sometimes the hurt alone is sufficient to feel it could never work again. If that's not the case and you want this guy back, he really needs to have to work for it. No-one can tell you what to do, but you could place him on the back burner symbolically, in a way that he will notice. Not allowing him access to your social media is one way. Not responding to chatty requests. This is so he realises you are not automatically there on the end of the line for when he feels like reeling you in. The risk of losing you altogether might be something he hadn't bargained on.

 

Of course the above is risky for you because he may well disappear, but then what have you lost? You gain in self respect, because you know you have drawn a line round yourself and he is not invited into the magic circle.

 

With regard to moving on, a break up is incredibly painful but the positive side is that pain can help you to draw a line under a relationship and move on. There is bound to be a period of grieving and trying to understand. The best thing to understand is that sometimes there is no real explanation and searching for it is simply frustrating and exhausting. Respect yourself, be proud of who you are and what you have to offer the right guy, and at some point you will start to look outwards again at the possibilities. Bonding takes time, unbonding takes time. You can bond again with someone new. It might not feel like it at the moment, but it is a process of unravelling and restoring self.

 

It sounds like you have a genuine and loving nature. That is incredibly important. Some guy is going to be so happy to have the chance to meet you and be a part of your life.

Edited March 26, 2016 by spiderowl

[acrosstheuniverse]

I'm really sorry to hear what you're going through. Being dumped when you don't really know why is one of the most agonising experiences known to man. Four years ago I was left out of the blue by a guy I'd been with and living with for two years, and it was hands down the most painful experience I've ever had. Even losing my mother wasn't quite as acutely excruciating because with a death it's nobody's fault and it's over for good.

 

Every time you communicate with this guy, you are ripping the scabs off again and denying yourself the chance to heal and move on. It's very important that for your own healing process, you cut contact with him, at least for a while (several months minimum, preferably for good!). That's the thing that helped me to move on pretty fast from my break up. It still took months and I remember actually even a year later one night a memory of sobbing down the phone to my friend asking her why he left me, but on the whole I picked myself up, dusted myself off and moved on.

 

You'll drive yourself mad if you are looking for an answer as to 'why', people have this idea that to reach closure you have to know every in and out of their decision but nothing he can say will seem enough for you (you'd want to follow it all with 'but' and your own reason why that shouldn't have been enough to end it), and you know what? He may not even truly know himself. Sometimes all you know is you don't want to be with the person anymore, love is a feeling partly and if you don't feel it anymore it can be painful for the dumper, wishing it had never gone away so they didn't have to put you and them through so much pain. Personally my closure was knowing my ex didn't want me anymore. I had enough self respect to know that being alone is preferable to being with someone who didn't want to be with me, and so that's all the closure I needed. Don't kid yourself, he probably wrestled with this for a long time before you heard of it. I'm sure he didn't take the decision lightly!

 

Keep yourself surrounded by people who love you, keep busy, focus on your work or studies and block him everywhere for now so you have chance to heal. Don't be that girl who holds out for crumbs of affection and stays in touch hoping that he'll come back; if you cut all contact and he realises it's a huge mistake he'll know where to find you, trust me. But you need to prioritise yourself.

 

Many of us here have survived and lived to tell the tale, you will too!