He updated his profile pic on OLD after telling me he wanted to focus on other things

[oldshirt]

Well, last week, when I left his place, I decided to text him and explain to him what I meant when I told him, "no contact." Meaning, that I was going to stop initiating contact and wait until he does, and I told him that I felt that I was doing all the "chasing" and that women like to be chased. He replied back and said, "You're fine, I'll let you know when." Ok, well, I decided to send him a, "hey, how's it going text" yesterday and he never responded..

 

 

 

Back in my younger days I had a woman do exactly what you are doing. One day she said, and I quote, " I have told you what I want and I am the only one making anything happen. We can go out but you are going to have to ask me." I said, "Ok, I understand."

 

 

That was the fall of 1990. I haven't heard from her since. I hope she's not still waiting for me to call.

 

 

And I especially hope you finally "get it" too. You haven't caught on yet, that's for sure.

 

 

I don't know how anyone can say it so it gets through to you because nothing anyone else has said has worked yet so let me try -

 

 

He's not into you.

 

 

He doesn't want to pursue an actual relationship with you.

 

 

He doesn't hate you and is not mad at you or anything and you haven't done anything wrong to him, but he just doesn't want to date you.

 

 

All men will f*(k you if you show up at their house and just hand it to them, but he is not putting in any time, energy or effort to have a relationship with you.

 

 

You are barking up the wrong tree here.

 

 

Move along folks, nothing to see here.

 

 

Let him go and move on and start seeing other people.

 

 

He dumped you, he just wanted to let you down easy and not hurt your feelings.

 

 

And finally, he probably doesn't want to just tell you to hit the road in case he wants a booty call and needs to empty his tank in the middle of the night sometime.

[oldshirt]

Another you need to be aware of while moving forward is that men as a species really don't formally break up with women except for extreme circumstances.

 

 

Men typically either do one of two things. One is they just stop calling and stop coming around. And the other is they just start seeing someone else in addition to who they were seeing before. They will see both until one of the women either walks away or forces him to pick one.

 

 

Men aren't like women who formally break up.

 

 

Men will also turn back up months or even years down the road acting like nothing happened. This is when their tank is full and they don't have a current squeeze available to drain them at the moment.

 

 

This is one of those things you are just going to have to learn and understand about men. If you wait around for them to formally end a relationship and give you the dumping speech. It just isn't going to happen.

 

 

When men say things like "I'm really busy" and "I'm not ready for a serious relationship right now" and "I'm going to be away for awhile" etc etc etc That IS their break up.

[Bobbi7]

Why would you send him a text when you said no contact?

 

He said he would let you know when... Now he STILL has you chasing him.

 

 

Can you date a new guy...? Someone who makes effort to see you and makes sure you feel special?

 

I didn't mean, "no contact" as in not ever speaking, just meaning, that I'm going to wait until he reaches out to me...I figured we could at least chat.

[thecrucible]

Silence is golden. With my ex from 2 years ago, he still sends me messages because I have never given in to the 'no contact' rule. But it's really hard. I get the guilt of not replying but then I remember how he used to make me feel when he wound me up and basically he had all the power. Especially when the man's ego is tied up in it, the guy just gets tortured by the fact you are not calling to get him back after a break-up, because it's what he expected you would be doing. I don't see this as playing a game. No contact is a good way of avoiding on and off again scenarios with men.

 

So OP stay strong.

[Bobbi7]

Never mind, I hate when these kind of things happen with a guy! It took me 5 MONTHS to get over the last guy-then when I met this current guy-the sex was what got me attached to him and now I'm obsessing and having a hard time to move on. I did go on a coffee date last week-didn't help much, kept thinking about him the entire time. I guess I need to start speed dating to get my mind off him.

[oldshirt]

Never mind, I hate when these kind of things happen with a guy! It took me 5 MONTHS to get over the last guy-then when I met this current guy-the sex was what got me attached to him and now I'm obsessing and having a hard time to move on. I did go on a coffee date last week-didn't help much, kept thinking about him the entire time. I guess I need to start speed dating to get my mind off him.

 

 

 

Nah, just get out and start doing fun things and live a good life. Once you do that you are golden and guys will start coming out of the woodwork.

[Bobbi7]

I made a thread about him wanting to focus on other things back in November. Well, just yesterday he updated his profile picture on OLD. This is bad right?

[central]

Bad how? Did you stop dating? If so, he probably did what he wanted to do, and is ready to date again - but perhaps he doesn't want to pick back up with you. If you are still dating, then yes, this is bad.

[kendahke]

I made a thread about him wanting to focus on other things back in November. Well, just yesterday he updated his profile picture on OLD. This is bad right?

 

Looks like he's doing just that... focusing on other things. Or the things he had to focus on resolved themselves and he's ready to go back into the dating pool, but not take back up with you.

 

He didn't owe you anything.

[introverted1]

He stopped dating you in November, didn't he? If so, this is neither bad nor good -- he's living his life and presumably you are living yours.

[Bobbi7]

Yeah, we stopped seeing each other since November-at this intiative-a lot of people said on here that I just opened the door when I told him no contact-meaning no intitating from me until he does. Was the focus an excuse after all? I wonder if there was really anything that he wanted to focus on anyway. Did he lie about telling me we won't be seeing each other for a few months after all? I did text him a few times since then and no response.

[Bobbi7]

Bad how? Did you stop dating? If so, he probably did what he wanted to do, and is ready to date again - but perhaps he doesn't want to pick back up with you. If you are still dating, then yes, this is bad.

 

Bad that he updated his profile pic.

[introverted1]

Yeah, we stopped seeing each other since November-at this intiative-a lot of people said on here that I just opened the door when I told him no contact-meaning no intitating from me until he does. Was the focus an excuse after all? I wonder if there was really anything that he wanted to focus on anyway. Did he lie about telling me we won't be seeing each other for a few months after all? I did text him a few times since then and no response.

 

??

 

If you haven't seen each other since November -- 4 months -- why wouldn't you both be available to date others? And if you told him you wanted to go NC, then he was correct not to contact you. NC is closing a door, not opening it.

 

As for wanting to focus on other things... Well, this could have a been a nice way of saying he didn't want to date you or, more literally, that he wanted to find someone else to focus on, or that he put the 4 months into focusing on whatever that was and now he's ready to date again. Who knows? The only important take-away is that you should move on.

[Bobbi7]

??

 

If you haven't seen each other since November -- 4 months -- why wouldn't you both be available to date others? And if you told him you wanted to go NC, then he was correct not to contact you. NC is closing a door, not opening it.

 

As for wanting to focus on other things... Well, this could have a been a nice way of saying he didn't want to date you or, more literally, that he wanted to find someone else to focus on, or that he put the 4 months into focusing on whatever that was and now he's ready to date again. Who knows? The only important take-away is that you should move on.

 

When I said, no contact it meant that I was wanted him to reach out to me first, not meaning not talking at all. I texted him right after I left to explain it. He replied, "I'll let you know when." I've been reaching out to him and nothing. Plus he said we were going to keep in touch. What gives?

[introverted1]

When I said, no contact it meant that I was wanted him to reach out to me first, not meaning not talking at all. I texted him right after I left to explain it. He replied, "I'll let you know when." I've been reaching out to him and nothing. Plus he said we were going to keep in touch. What gives?

 

Thanks for clarifying.

 

I would stop reaching out to him, in this case.

 

For whatever reason, he is not interested in dating you, or he'd have contacted you.

 

Time to move on.

[Bobbi7]

Thanks for clarifying.

 

I would stop reaching out to him, in this case.

 

For whatever reason, he is not interested in dating you, or he'd have contacted you.

 

Time to move on.

 

Should I send him a message on OLD instead to see if he responds?

[introverted1]

Should I send him a message on OLD instead to see if he responds?

 

No.

 

He has your number and if he wants to call, he will.

 

Continuing to contact him when he does not want to be contacted (as evidenced by him not responding to you) comes off as a bit stalkerish.

 

Find another guy to date.

[kendahke]

When I said, no contact it meant that I was wanted him to reach out to me first, not meaning not talking at all.

 

That's using NC to manipulate, which is not what NC is about. You played a game and he didn't participate.

 

I texted him right after I left to explain it. He replied, "I'll let you know when." I've been reaching out to him and nothing. Plus he said we were going to keep in touch. What gives?

 

He said he'd let you know when. It's not "when" yet. It may never be "when".

[kendahke]

Should I send him a message on OLD instead to see if he responds?

 

Have some dignity and grace. Don't be a pest.

[Bobbi7]

That's using NC to manipulate, which is not what NC is about. You played a game and he didn't participate.

 

 

 

He said he'd let you know when. It's not "when" yet. It may never be "when".

 

I wasn't trying to be manipulate him. Why can't he just Understand that? Did k offend him? Should I apologize? Since I've been reaching out to him that means I've move on-from what I said and that I forgot about him contacting ne first.

[hippychick3]

I wasn't trying to be manipulate him. Why can't he just Understand that? Did k offend him? Should I apologize? Since I've been reaching out to him that means I've move on-from what I said and that I forgot about him contacting ne first.

 

Bobbi, no matter what you said or did, he was not into you. He is not interested in dating you anymore. Any further contact from you in any form will be seen as intrusive and desperate.

 

Stay away from his dating profile, block it if you can't....and date other guys.

[kendahke]

I wasn't trying to be manipulate him. Why can't he just Understand that? Did k offend him? Should I apologize? Since I've been reaching out to him that means I've move on-from what I said and that I forgot about him contacting ne first.

 

No contact means just that. No contact. It's not "Let me bait this hook to see if you will bite". No contact is for creating the necessary distance needed to get over heartache and disappointment so that you're not bringing that baggage into the next relationship and blowing it to hell.

 

He understands that you played a manipulation game and lost, whether you admit that truth or not; therefore, he's no longer interested. Anytime someone says "I'm not going to contact you anymore", then days later, there they are again, popping up on text or email--it's off-putting and desperate and demonstrates that they were attempting to manipulate you into an action they know you weren't interested in taking in the first place.

 

It would have been better had you just kept your mouth shut and ghosted on him. You arrived at the same place anyway: not in a relationship with him and him not being interested in a relationship with you.

 

You reaching out to him also indicates an inability to take "no" for an answer. Kind of bunny-boiler there...

[GemmaUK]

Everything he has done shows clearly he has no interest in you.

 

He's moved on and you should be doing the same.

[Bobbi7]

Bobbi, no matter what you said or did, he was not into you. He is not interested in dating you anymore. Any further contact from you in any form will be seen as intrusive and desperate.

 

Stay away from his dating profile, block it if you can't....and date other guys.

 

So, are you saying if he was interested-he would still want to get together no matter what? After all this time has passed?

[kendahke]

So, are you saying if he was interested-he would still want to get together no matter what? After all this time has passed?

 

If he was interested, no time would have passed since you last heard from him and you two would be spending time with one another.

 

That's how you gauge interest--they act interested, not indifferent. They call. They keep in touch. They make time to see you. They do things with you. They show interest in your life and your plans. They increasingly share their life with you.

Edited March 25, 2016 by kendahke