He updated his profile pic on OLD after telling me he wanted to focus on other things

[Rejected Rosebud]

What's wrong with telling a guy that I'm going, "no contact for awhile?"

Because it's manipulative!! If a person decides to stop contact with some casual hook up kind of deal, just stop the contact already. It's not the kind of relationship where that kind of conversation is even appropriate.

 

Anyway it sounds like he was TRYING to stop having contact with YOU but you kept initiating.

[mrldii]

*"loses its oomph"

 

 

Hate it when flying-fingers do that...

[basil67]

What's wrong with telling a guy that I'm going, "no contact for awhile?"

 

If you want to end the relationship, this is the best way to do it. It's entirely sensible.

 

However, if you don't want to end the relationship, then I have zero idea why you'd do it. Isn't the whole point of No Contact to get someone out of your mind and life?

 

At any rate, if someone (friend/lover/whatever) told me that they wanted 'No Contact' for a bit, I wouldn't bother with them again.

[Bobbi7]

One doesn't usually announce "I'm going to ignore you", as it looses its ooomph.

 

 

Best to just get to doing the ignoring, rather than making a grand flourish about it:

 

"Yup, yup...that's what I'm going to do! I'm going to start ignoring you! Yup! Not going to pay a bit of attention to you! If you try to speak to me, I will not answer. I will not start conversations with you. I will have no contact with you whatsoever, ever. Never, ever, will I have anything more to do with you! Yessirreebob, you won't be hearing from ME, anymore!...[and so on and so on and so on]"

 

 

Until you actually DO it, and stop talking about doing it, it's not really too terribly effective. Rather anti-climactic, even.

 

Okay, when I told him that I was going "no contact" for awhile, it meant that "I" was going to stop initiating contact with him and wait until he does it, not that I'm going to ignore him if he reaches out me.

[mrldii]

Okay, when I told him that I was going "no contact" for awhile, it meant that "I" was going to stop initiating contact with him and wait until he does it, not that I'm going to ignore him if he reaches out me.

 

 

Based on what you say he's said and done, it does not appear that he will be reaching out, any time too soon...ergo, you are now in "No Contact".

 

 

IF you'll let it be.

[Bobbi7]

If you want to end the relationship, this is the best way to do it. It's entirely sensible.

 

However, if you don't want to end the relationship, then I have zero idea why you'd do it. Isn't the whole point of No Contact to get someone out of your mind and life?

 

At any rate, if someone (friend/lover/whatever) told me that they wanted 'No Contact' for a bit, I wouldn't bother with them again.

 

So, maybe I misinterpreted, "no contact." Is telling someone no contact bad?

[mrldii]

So, maybe I misinterpreted, "no contact." Is telling someone no contact bad?

 

 

"No Contact" means "no interactions": no talkie-talkie, no drive-bys, no stalking.

 

Perhaps you meant to tell him "no initiation" [of verbal contact]?

 

That you'd stop calling/texting him, but you'd leave the door open to popping up where he works, or where he hangs out, or while getting his mail for him from his mailbox and delivering it to his front door each evening?

 

You gonna call him to clarify what you really meant by "no contact"?

[katiegrl]

Okay, when I told him that I was going "no contact" for awhile, it meant that "I" was going to stop initiating contact with him and wait until he does it, not that I'm going to ignore him if he reaches out me.

 

Bobbi, why aren't you getting this? (scratching head).

 

You don't *announce* you won't be initiating anymore .....you simply stop initiating!

 

And let the chips fall where they may. Either he will miss you or he won't.

 

When you tell him, it loses it's *punch* or *oompth* as mrdii said. He will laugh at it, as he knows the only reason you are saying it is to get him to react ...

 

Anyway, yes he did react, unfortunately not the way you hoped, but it was a reaction nevertheless. He wants OUT.

 

Next time, when you want to pull back, DON'T announce it, just pull back!

 

And let the chips fall where they may.

 

If he misses you, he knows where to find you.

[kendahke]

What's wrong with telling a guy that I'm going, "no contact for awhile?"

 

It's manipulation. He knew it and he called your bluff and took the out you handed him.

 

If you're going "no contact", then do it. You don't talk about it. You block them and keep it moving. He knows how to get in touch with you if it's not what he wants.

 

You said that to him to make him take a course of action that he was never anywhere close to wanting to take with you.

[Bobbi7]

It's manipulation. He knew it and he called your bluff and took the out you handed him.

 

If you're going "no contact", then do it. You don't talk about it. You block them and keep it moving. He knows how to get in touch with you if it's not what he wants.

 

You said that to him to make him take a course of action that he was never anywhere close to wanting to take with you.

 

What's an example of "manipulation" in a relationship? So, from what it seems, it sounds manipulative when I said that because I wanted him to tell me something different? Like, wanting him to beg that he wants to still see me or something like that?

[Mrin]

So, maybe I misinterpreted, "no contact." Is telling someone no contact bad?

 

Yes it sounds like what you thought it meant and what other people thinks it means are different. I know that if I were in a casual sexual relationship and the lady said she was going to go no contact I would conclude that things were over and try to shag her a few more times for old times sake.

 

That being said - don't worry about it. From his reaction he was thinking the same thing. What you said just opened the door. It's over.

[basil67]

So, maybe I misinterpreted, "no contact." Is telling someone no contact bad?

 

Telling someone that you want no contact means that you don't want any interaction with them. No texts, no online and no face to face contact. How else could it possibly be interpreted?

[basil67]

What's an example of "manipulation" in a relationship? So, from what it seems, it sounds manipulative when I said that because I wanted him to tell me something different? Like, wanting him to beg that he wants to still see me or something like that?

 

Yes, it's exactly this.

[smackie9]

The writing was on the wall 3 months ago hun.....he just stuck it out only because you kept offering it up. He wasn't going to turn down sex he never had to work for. When you announced going no contact it was his cue to finally call it. He wants to move on, and so should you. He ain't coming back.....it was going to eventually happen anyways.

 

 

Him wanting to "focus on other things" was him blowing you off.

[Bobbi7]

Bobbi, why aren't you getting this? (scratching head).

 

You don't *announce* you won't be initiating anymore .....you simply stop initiating!

 

And let the chips fall where they may. Either he will miss you or he won't.

 

When you tell him, it loses it's *punch* or *oompth* as mrdii said. He will laugh at it, as he knows the only reason you are saying it is to get him to react ...

 

Anyway, yes he did react, unfortunately not the way you hoped, but it was a reaction nevertheless. He wants OUT.

 

Next time, when you want to pull back, DON'T announce it, just pull back!

 

And let the chips fall where they may.

 

If he misses you, he knows where to find you.

 

Well, in the other thread in GD-the one about how men should pursue women-some of the responses say it should be 50/50 on the whole initiating contact part-I mean, he did initiate contact in the beginning and set plans up, after that-I was taking the lead-for a good solid 3 months, but even if he told me he had plans, he would always make the time to see me regardless...now, was this a mistake that I told him that I want him to initiate contact?

[mrldii]

Well, in the other thread in GD-the one about how men should pursue women-some of the responses say it should be 50/50 on the whole initiating contact part-I mean, he did initiate contact in the beginning and set plans up, after that-I was taking the lead-for a good solid 3 months, but even if he told me he had plans, he would always make the time to see me regardless...now, was this a mistake that I told him that I want him to initiate contact?

 

Nope, there is absolutely nothing wrong with telling a man what you want/expect.

 

The *problem* is assuming that since you've told him, he should do it. The fact that he hasn't/isn't/won't should tell you something and make going "no contact" (whatever those words might mean to you), easy.

 

 

I have been telling my State Lottery Commissioners that I want to win the Mega-Millions jackpot; because they have not done what I told them I want them to do, I continue to get up each weekday and go to a job to get what it is I need (i.e., money to pay my bills and to buy the things I want in life).

 

Likewise, you should find another source to get the things you want and need in life.

[katiegrl]

Well, in the other thread in GD-the one about how men should pursue women-some of the responses say it should be 50/50 on the whole initiating contact part-I mean, he did initiate contact in the beginning and set plans up, after that-I was taking the lead-for a good solid 3 months, but even if he told me he had plans, he would always make the time to see me regardless...now, was this a mistake that I told him that I want him to initiate contact?

 

Personally speaking, yes.

 

I don't believe in *asking* a man to *give more* (initiate contact) than he is currently.

 

Reason being, if he wanted to contact you more, he would be!

 

If you simply stopped initiating contact, he might have a chance to *wonder* about you and miss you....motivating him to step up.

 

If you actually mattered to him, he would then start initiating more, all on his own, without your asking him to.

 

IMO asking defeats the purpose.

 

He may do it cause you're asking, not because he wants to, on his own, from his heart.

[introverted1]

What's an example of "manipulation" in a relationship? So, from what it seems, it sounds manipulative when I said that because I wanted him to tell me something different? Like, wanting him to beg that he wants to still see me or something like that?

 

Manipulation = doing/saying something (most often a contrived something) in order to generate a particular response. Example: telling a guy you want to break up (or go "no contact" or whatever) in the hopes he will beg you not to do so.

 

Manipulation is crap, no matter who is doing it, no matter the reason.

 

Bobbi, if you don't understand something as fundamental as manipulation, you probably shouldn't be dating.

[introverted1]

Well, in the other thread in GD-the one about how men should pursue women-some of the responses say it should be 50/50 on the whole initiating contact part-I mean, he did initiate contact in the beginning and set plans up, after that-I was taking the lead-for a good solid 3 months, but even if he told me he had plans, he would always make the time to see me regardless...now, was this a mistake that I told him that I want him to initiate contact?

 

The mistake was in thinking that this guy -- who has told you in a thousand ways, both verbally and with his actions that he only wanted casual sex... wanted anything more.

 

You compounded the mistake by thinking that if you threatened to pull back, this would somehow increase his interest. While you may have read threads that suggested a lack of availability can make a woman more attractive to a guy (or vice versa), this only works (if ever) if it isn't patently contrived and if there is some interest to start with. In this case, you'd already played your hand, as evidenced in your other threads about this guy, and so had he: you went into the "relationship" knowing that he just wanted casual sex so your threat to contact him less was a relief. Hence, he happily saw your bluff and increased it.

 

You may hear from him in the future when he wants sex, but he is not interested in any more, and never has been.

[katiegrl]

Manipulation = doing/saying something (most often a contrived something) in order to generate a particular response. Example: telling a guy you want to break up (or go "no contact" or whatever) in the hopes he will beg you not to do so.

 

Manipulation is crap, no matter who is doing it, no matter the reason.

 

 

 

---------------

 

**Bobbi, if you don't understand something as fundamental as manipulation, you probably shouldn't be dating.

 

^^This...

 

I am even thinking she may have some sort of autism..perhaps Asperger's

 

It's just the same ole same ole in every single thread, despite our repeated efforts to educate her, she doesn't appear to be getting any of it... sadly.

[sandylee1]

Yeah, but the thing is, is that I brought up the subject saying, "I'm going to go no contact for awhile." Mostly because I was doing all the contacting of wanting to get together. I don't know if I made the mistake of saying this? Plus, I met him on a dating site, he on his profile, it specially said he was looking to just 'have fun" nothing long-term...

 

You should have just gone no contact instead of announcing it. You did it for a reaction..you got one. ...He's not that into you unfortunately.

 

Don't be asking a guy all those questions when his actions tell you all you need to know. They'll only lie so as not to make you feel bad.

 

Move on and find someone else.

[kendahke]

What's an example of "manipulation" in a relationship? So, from what it seems, it sounds manipulative when I said that because I wanted him to tell me something different? Like, wanting him to beg that he wants to still see me or something like that?

 

You answered your own question, so you do know the answer to this.

[Bobbi7]

Personally speaking, yes.

 

I don't believe in *asking* a man to *give more* (initiate contact) than he is currently.

 

Reason being, if he wanted to contact you more, he would be!

 

If you simply stopped initiating contact, he might have a chance to *wonder* about you and miss you....motivating him to step up.

 

If you actually mattered to him, he would then start initiating more, all on his own, without your asking him to.

 

IMO asking defeats the purpose.

 

He may do it cause you're asking, not because he wants to, on his own, from his heart.

 

Well, last week, when I left his place, I decided to text him and explain to him what I meant when I told him, "no contact." Meaning, that I was going to stop initiating contact and wait until he does, and I told him that I felt that I was doing all the "chasing" and that women like to be chased. He replied back and said, "You're fine, I'll let you know when." Ok, well, I decided to send him a, "hey, how's it going text" yesterday and he never responded..

[hippychick3]

Well, last week, when I left his place, I decided to text him and explain to him what I meant when I told him, "no contact." Meaning, that I was going to stop initiating contact and wait until he does, and I told him that I felt that I was doing all the "chasing" and that women like to be chased. He replied back and said, "You're fine, I'll let you know when." Ok, well, I decided to send him a, "hey, how's it going text" yesterday and he never responded..

 

You are still chasing him. Why would you have sent a text to him after he clearly and quite dismissively said he would let you know when (to which I would have replied, "goodbye and good luck!")??

[Redhead14]

Well, last week, when I left his place, I decided to text him and explain to him what I meant when I told him, "no contact." Meaning, that I was going to stop initiating contact and wait until he does, and I told him that I felt that I was doing all the "chasing" and that women like to be chased. He replied back and said, "You're fine, I'll let you know when." Ok, well, I decided to send him a, "hey, how's it going text" yesterday and he never responded..

 

 

Bobbi, let this one go. Now, you should actually go "no contact". Explaining and backtracking only sends a message of a little desperation and lack of confidence. This guy may come "around" again, because he knows you're "inexperienced" and may try to play on that.

 

You can't do the chasing and then turn around and tell him to chase you. He also said, "you're fine" meaning he didn't mind being chased. It's easier for him to have you come to him.

 

I felt that I was doing all the "chasing" and that women like to be chased. --AND, THEN YOU CONTINUED TO CHASE HIM -- "I decided to send him a "hey how's it going" text yesterday.

 

Women don't like to be chased. Girls do. Women like it when a man respectfully, and sincerely pursues them while respectfully and sincerely reciprocating that man's efforts (assuming she likes him enough).

 

He didn't respond because he knows you don't know what you are doing. You need a little more experience. Don't beat yourself up. Learn from this experience, move forward and focus on other things yourself for a while.