yougottaactdonttalk Posted March 25, 2016 Posted March 25, 2016 This is my first time posting, thanks in advance for your time. I'm a 25 year old male, I'm in my first real relationship with a girl, it's been over 3 years now. I love her, I care about her, she is so good to me, but I haven't treated her how she deserves. I've talked to some of the guys I know, my age, older and married too, and they all seem to agree that as a guy, yes we constantly think about girls and sex, even if we're in a happy relationship. I see a girl, and that's where my mind goes, that's normal right? I messed up about a year ago, and got way too drunk (I never really drink) and had sex with someone else. I hid it from my girlfriend for obvious reasons, but she found out. It was pretty horrible but she decided to give me another chance. It seems to be getting better and better with us over time, but I know there is no real trust there, I ruined it forever. She recently found a bunch of messages to other women about my "massage" fantasy, and got really hurt again. For me it doesn't matter, it's so separate from how I feel about her, but hearing her explain it to me really shows me how I'm disrespecting her, which is obviously never my intention. But I'll admit, not being with other girls is sometimes a real battle for me. What does this mean? Is this how it will always be in a long-term relationship? Is she just not the girl for me? Should I be working on my issues? I just don't want her to be sad anymore. Thanks everyone.
Gloria25 Posted March 25, 2016 Posted March 25, 2016 No, we're not dead...if you walk down the street and see someone attractive, of course you're gonna take notice. But when that person is occupying space in your head - on the regular, then yes you have a problem. When I'm with a guy, (married or single) and I'm into him, even someone attractive walking down the street doesn't catch my eye. Ok, the drunken thing? Yes, sometimes people make a one time fluke, but you seem to always be thinking about other wkmen and/or trying to communicate with them. So, "love" means different things to different people and what you've done to your gf, I wouldn't do to a person I claim I "loved". 2
normal person Posted March 25, 2016 Posted March 25, 2016 (edited) I've talked to some of the guys I know, my age, older and married too, and they all seem to agree that as a guy, yes we constantly think about girls and sex, even if we're in a happy relationship. I see a girl, and that's where my mind goes, that's normal right? Yes, it's normal, you can't help that. Acting on it is what's bad, because you can control that. Just because you're in a relationship doesn't mean you stop finding other people attractive. But it does mean you can't sleep with other people. I messed up about a year ago, and got way too drunk (I never really drink) and had sex with someone else [...] She recently found a bunch of messages to other women about my "massage" fantasy, and got really hurt again. For me it doesn't matter, That's convenient. it's so separate from how I feel about her, but hearing her explain it to me really shows me how I'm disrespecting her, which is obviously never my intention. I'm sorry, but saying "it's not my intention to hurt you, so I can do whatever I want, even if it does" is such selfish BS. I'm sure drunk drivers have no intention of killing people, they just want to get home. So are they not responsible for deaths they cause? You've willingly chosen to intertwine your life with someone else. So your selfish decisions and actions will affect her too. You don't get a free pass just because you don't have qualms about hurting her feelings. But I'll admit, not being with other girls is sometimes a real battle for me. What does this mean? Is this how it will always be in a long-term relationship? Is she just not the girl for me? Should I be working on my issues? I just don't want her to be sad anymore. It means you're a normal human male -- one who enjoys the perks of having a relationship like companionship, affection, and regular sex -- who at the same time isn't ready to stop the "sowing wild oats" and living the bachelor lifestyle. So basically, you want to have your cake and eat it too. You want it both ways even though you can only have it one. Also, if you loved your girlfriend you wouldn't even think about messaging other girls about "massage fantasies," let alone sleep with someone else. That's pretty much what love is. If you love her, you'd value her and your relationship above all other stuff. But you can't. If you're just going to keep doing this kind of stuff, I'd say just spare the poor girl the trouble and break up with her so she can find a guy who knows what he wants and isn't going to waste her time putting her through the wringer trying to decide. So how about this as a rule of thumb? Only enter into relationships with women for whom you'd actually forgo sex (or massages) with other women, even if you desired it. Because this isn't the girl and you don't like/love her enough to stop you from going after other women. Best of luck. Edited March 25, 2016 by normal person 3
whichwayisup Posted March 25, 2016 Posted March 25, 2016 This is my first time posting, thanks in advance for your time. I'm a 25 year old male, I'm in my first real relationship with a girl, it's been over 3 years now. I love her, I care about her, she is so good to me, but I haven't treated her how she deserves. I've talked to some of the guys I know, my age, older and married too, and they all seem to agree that as a guy, yes we constantly think about girls and sex, even if we're in a happy relationship. I see a girl, and that's where my mind goes, that's normal right? I messed up about a year ago, and got way too drunk (I never really drink) and had sex with someone else. I hid it from my girlfriend for obvious reasons, but she found out. It was pretty horrible but she decided to give me another chance. It seems to be getting better and better with us over time, but I know there is no real trust there, I ruined it forever. She recently found a bunch of messages to other women about my "massage" fantasy, and got really hurt again. For me it doesn't matter, it's so separate from how I feel about her, but hearing her explain it to me really shows me how I'm disrespecting her, which is obviously never my intention. But I'll admit, not being with other girls is sometimes a real battle for me. What does this mean? Is this how it will always be in a long-term relationship? Is she just not the girl for me? Should I be working on my issues? I just don't want her to be sad anymore. Thanks everyone. Do the kind thing and break up with her. She loves you and keeps you giving chances yet you can't appreciate her enough and want to stay faithful to her. Maybe right now in your life you're just not ready to be committed relationship and stay faithful to one woman. That's okay but please end it with her so you won't cheat on her again. Then you can be a free and single man so you can have sex with whomever you want and not hurt someone else.
Quiet Storm Posted March 25, 2016 Posted March 25, 2016 It's normal. I'm married, been with my husband 25 years. Your hormones and primal instincts don't know you are committed. I think this is true especially when we're young. You don't have to act on those feelings. Commitment means you stay loyal. You protect your relationship. If you are feeling attracted to someone, be careful to have proper boundaries. Your love for your GF, and your desire to protect and respect your relationship, has to override that attraction. Think of that side of you as a kid you have to babysit and keep out of trouble.
ashley1992 Posted March 25, 2016 Posted March 25, 2016 its normal to look at other attractive women, but if you have acted on them its another case. if i were your girlfriend i would leave, becuase the pain is intorable. i know u love this girl, but if u love her then why hurt her? for me wen trust is gone its gone forever. maybe its best you go ur separate ways
mike_89 Posted March 25, 2016 Posted March 25, 2016 Also, if you loved your girlfriend you wouldn't even think about messaging other girls about "massage fantasies," let alone sleep with someone else. That's pretty much what love is. That's your (and pretty much society's) narrow definition of love. Love is not enslavement by monogamy. By the same rationale you posted here one could say: "Also, if your girlfriend loved you, she would not even think about denying you your freedom, let alone break up with you because you had sex with someone else". 2000 years ago, for the Romans and the Greeks, love had nothing to do with monogamy. This monogamy thing is cultural, not natural. OP, you have to make the decision. Do you want to stay with this girl and stay monogamous? Or do you want to have sex with other girls and 1) break up or 2) cheat and be prepared to hide all evidence, every time? And about your feelings, don't think you are abnormal or sick. It is perfectly normal to want to have sex with other girls even when you have a relationship. Your friends feel the same way. I feel the same way. My friends feel the same way. One of my friends who is nearing 40 years old says it sort of goes away once you get past 35 years old. The only thing you must do is make the decision. Keep in mind that your girlfriend offers you a lot more than just sex, and you will not find these things with FWBs or casual partners.
normal person Posted March 25, 2016 Posted March 25, 2016 That's your (and pretty much society's) narrow definition of love. Love is not enslavement by monogamy. By the same rationale you posted here one could say: "Also, if your girlfriend loved you, she would not even think about denying you your freedom, let alone break up with you because you had sex with someone else". 2000 years ago, for the Romans and the Greeks, love had nothing to do with monogamy. This monogamy thing is cultural, not natural. Yeah, I'm sure if he just explained to his girlfriend that her cultural understanding of love is too strict and plagued with all the ills of the modern world then she'd suddenly be totally fine with him banging other people. That should go over well. While I agree with you, I doubt his girlfriend's concept of love is going to make an immediate 2000 year regression when he mentions a fun fact. "Technically" you're right, there is no steadfast definition of love, but I made some assumptions about their relationship based on how upset his girlfriend got -- I assume they don't have an arrangement that allows him to sleep with other people. I'm defining love as his girlfriend seems to see it, what's the point about arguing over semantics here? The fact of the matter is, he'd still rather sleep with other people than sleep with his girlfriend exclusively, call that whatever you want to call it. I agree monogamy is cultural, I heard a good analogy recently. Monogamy is like becoming a vegetarian, it's something you choose, but it doesn't mean you still don't smell the bbq. OP says he's a vegetarian but still sneaks off and has his steaks. He can't have it both ways unless his girlfriend agrees to it. It doesn't really sound like she does, hence this whole thread.
elaine567 Posted March 25, 2016 Posted March 25, 2016 Many other ancient civilisations celebrated and practised polygamy, but the Greeks and the Romans were amongst the first to adopt socially imposed monogamy.
Author yougottaactdonttalk Posted March 25, 2016 Author Posted March 25, 2016 I was afraid of this, but I guess I got the response I needed. Thank you everyone for your responses.
stillafool Posted March 25, 2016 Posted March 25, 2016 I feel for you and frankly I think 25 is too young for a man without alot of dating experience to be in a relationship. It's clear you need to sew some wild oates before you settle down.
Miss Peach Posted March 25, 2016 Posted March 25, 2016 FWIW I am very open minded and am not 100% sold on monogamy. But even I wouldn't put up with what you are doing to your GF. You are being deceptive to her. If this was something she was OK about, you both knew the boundaries, and had full disclosure then I would be OK with it. If you feel you can't commit then either play the field or look outside of monogamy. But trust is a huge part of relationships IMO. I love my BF. I can't picture being with anyone else. But yes, I still check out other people. I probably check out women more than men but I do check others out. I expect men do this too. I notice many men do it subtly but they do so even in relationships or in marriage. But I never let it cross that line.
Recommended Posts