dinosaursymphony Posted March 24, 2016 Posted March 24, 2016 I am currently going through a breakup after a 4 year long distance relationship. We have quite the history. We dated for three months in my junior and his senior year of high school. He broke up with me after his graduation because he was going to be going to college, and he was also afraid of commitment at the time. I accepted the break up and didn't contact him. I moved on and dated someone else briefly, but he never moved on, and started pursuing me again 6 months later. We rekindled our relationship during the summer before I went to school a state away. It took convincing to get him to agree to long distance, but we went for it, and it worked out for quite some time. However, it has never been his favorite thing, and he often struggles with it. We are amazing when we are together, but it's very hard when we are apart. We have had a lot of ups and downs trying to figure things out. We have had several moments in limbo of whether we would be able to figure things out or not, but we have always agreed to keep going, because we love each other a lot and have wanted to work through it. Recently he just said that the distance was killing him, and he just couldn't do it right now. Also, that we are too dependent on one another and we need to learn to live apart. That he has always loved me, and it has nothing to do with his feelings, but he just really can't do the distance. He told me the break up was killing him as much as it was me, and that in different circumstances he thinks it might have worked. Ultimately he said that at the very least we need a break to become our own people, and that if we work out down the line when I'm set and he's set, he is open to it. I had a very hard time accepting this, and did do some pleading to no avail for two days. The next day, I sent something telling him that I understood where he was coming from and agreed that he was right about the break up. He told me that that meant the world to him. I asked him if he honestly ever saw us getting back together again, just for my curiosity's sake, when I move back home after next year. He said that if we were in the same area and single, he thinks it would be dumb to say we wouldn't. I didn't talk to him for 6 days, I went to New Orleans for spring break, and had a really good time. But then I had something come up that was big in my life (I was diagnosed toward the beginning of our relationship with bipolar disorder, but after a recent breakdown, I was told I was misdiagnosed with bipolar, and rather have anxiety/depression), and I asked if we could meet to talk about it, and that us meeting would have nothing to do with us getting back together. My mental illness was sometimes put at the forefront of our relationship, so I figured that letting him know why certain things were the way they were and that I was going to get better was important. He said he didn't think it was a good idea, as he has really been struggling trying to stop thinking about me and just having me contact him was making it worse. I said I understood, told him via text about the misdiagnosis, and let him know that my hospitalization after our breakup due to my breakdown was in no part due to him, since I knew he had found out. I also told him that I already feel a million times better due to my new treatment, or as good as I can feel at this time. However, I also went on to say that I had been thinking a lot about him too, but I know that feelings and thoughts from a 4 year relationship are going to take time to let go of, and I find solace in that because the longer it takes, the more meaningful it was. I also told him that I don't think we are done with one another in the future, and told him what my dad said: "I get the feeling you'll be right for one another someday, but maybe that day just isn't today." I then apologized for contacting him, and let him know that I would leave it in his hands, as he knows where to find me. He never responded. I haven't contacted him since, and that was about a week ago. I just wanted other people's thoughts on the break up...he has never lied or been dishonest with me so I think the distance is the reason, but I'm struggling because a lot of people seem to think that distance is frequently just an excuse. I also don't know about the saying he sees us getting back together if we are single when I move home in a year. Was it just to make me feel better? Make him feel less guilty? Or did he mean it? Again, he's always been honest, so this is why I'm struggling. I just need thoughts on how to proceed. I obviously know I have to try and move on and if it happens it happens. I'm just tormenting myself right now trying to figure it out and I would like other inputs on how to process this.
Rachel39 Posted March 25, 2016 Posted March 25, 2016 Hi I'm really not great with advice at the moment as Iv just split with a man I though I'd marry only 10 weeks ago so I'm still struggling myself. I really want to make it work with him and would love it if he would come back but then saying that he's told me he doesn't love me and to move on I thought he'd said it anger but it appears not It's hard I know and we hold on to hope but I honestly think that by the time you have got over him you wouldn't want to be with him again you will of moved on with your life
Steven1 Posted March 25, 2016 Posted March 25, 2016 (edited) I was in a LDR for about 6 and a half years, and then half a year about an hour away from each other, we broke up about 2 months ago, so I have quite a bit to offer on long distance anyway, I was in the UK she was in Canada, so very LDR lol. I think there is a lot of misconception sometimes about LDR's, or really a general misunderstanding that they won't work because you aren't physically together, but I've often found, especially with the relationship I had, that you move past the physical attraction quite quickly, and you have little choice but to concentrate on the person for who they are , which isn't always the case with a normal relationship as it can often be a fling etc. The key thing for any LDR is trust, but I think from going off what you have said about your situation is that really he has already explained everything as to why, he wants to become his own person, and a relationship may just not figure into that at the moment, as well as the distance if that was something that was causing hardship between the two of you. Ultimately I always believe that there is hope and second chances, and if you had a 'clean' break up , I.E didn't break up for fights etc or you ended it in a respectable way for the both of you, then there is a greater chance in the future when he or both of you have got yourselves set on a path with careers etc or what ever happens to be coming for you both. Best thing you can do for now is to just move on in your own way, I know exactly how you feel and I know it's hard, if remaining friends or being in contact with him is an option you are both willing to try then that is up to you & him, it really depends how things go. If he's made it clear that no contact is best, then as tough a pill it is to swallow, try to keep yourself occupied and move on as you see fit. Edited March 25, 2016 by Steven1
hippychick3 Posted March 25, 2016 Posted March 25, 2016 I'm sorry that you're going through this pain. As much as it hurts, you need to not contact him again no matter what happens in your life. Your attempts to meet up with him were an excuse to see him and possibly rekindle something again. You can explain for hours how it wasn't the reason, but deep down you know that it was. Keep your dignity and stay away and heal for your own sake. Rely on family and friends for support for your mental illness. In time, it WILL get better. I would not count on getting back together with him in the future. If you were important enough to him now, he would not have ended it due to "distance." It's very likely that someone else has caught his eye and come into the picture, and he wants to pursue that. It is, unfortunately, a risk and one of the drawbacks of long distance. Take care of you and continue to see friends and family and find new adventures, hobbies, activities to get you through this. You will get through this.
Author dinosaursymphony Posted March 30, 2016 Author Posted March 30, 2016 Anyone else have any inputs? Would be much appreciated.
Steven1 Posted March 30, 2016 Posted March 30, 2016 Anyone else have any inputs? Would be much appreciated. already posted but if you want another perspective from my experience. My ex just confirmed last night that we will not be getting back together, that she's started speaking to someone else and chances are she will be in a relationship with him soon. Said that I will always have a special place in her life due to the length of time we were together and everything we had been through. Sadly I think that as much as we fight and fight and fight to keep something we know is brilliant going, it has to be two people. I think that maybe your ex just didn't see this moving on anymore for HIM, and that is not a reflection on you at all. My ex told me that I need to love myself, find someone new, and to stop doubting myself, that I'm a great guy that anyone would be lucky to have, just not her. That may be a similar scenario for you. I think if you leave the ball in his court even, then you've done your bit, and you can feel you've done the right thing. If he doesn't want to act on that, then it's his loss, not yours.
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