Coming on too strong after first date? Can't tell who is overreacting.

March 28, 2016

Fair point, but if you want to speak of gender differences, I think men need a bit of space after a first date, to think about the woman, the date, and determine whether or not he wishes to pursue.

So for a woman to call immediately after texting and already expressing her interest, is a bit forward, and in the OP's case at least, he was a bit put off.

Oh don't get me wrong...I would never call a guy or even text right after a first date. And, if she were my friend I would have told her NOT to call him. However, every single guy who was really into me contacted me the day after our first date.

Yes, she was forward in expressing her interest. She stuck her neck out...whether it was clinginess or just a brave step out of her comfort zone, it didn't warrant any version of "it's too soon to call me." I think it was harsh and it shows that he really wasn't into her that much whether or not she had called.

March 28, 2016

Oh don't get me wrong...I would never call a guy or even text right after a first date. However, every single guy who was really into me contacted me the day after our first date.

Me too, especially after "fooling around"!

I am usually the one putting on the breaks with respect to how much contact, time spent, etc.!

Edited March 28, 2016 by katiegrl

March 28, 2016

Hey, ff, I don't recall the exact details, but do you remember a long while back (before your current gf) wherein you told us you had a super great date with a woman, got totally great vibes from her, and that after the date while texting you made a comment that you would call her (not right there and then as you were texting).... but then decided to call her immediately, like a few seconds after you were both done with texting? To surprise her?

And she ignored your call, I think you called again and she ignored that too.

I remember reading your post and thinking -- too much too soon! You had just got done texting, give it a breather!

You got the details partially right Katie.

Good first date the day before with a nice kiss close. Exchanged texts the next day which she was responsive too. However, towards the tail end I said 'Your lips have definitely been on my mind. ;)" to reference our kiss. I guess she probably assumed I was just looking to get laid, because she never responded to that. So I gave it most of the day and tried calling her that night. Nothing. Then a few days later I tried calling one more time and nothing. Walked away. I've always believed that you should go after what you want and I wanted to see her again. So that's why I did a same day call after that and also attempted to follow up. In my experience, when a woman is actually into you it doesn't matter. But admittedly, my text about her lips probably came off as going after sex in nature. So I've since tried to dial down flirting in texts.

Edited March 28, 2016 by fitnessfan365

March 28, 2016

it's just that anytime you essentially say "I'd rather not talk to you right now" to somehow who's stuck their neck out a bit on your behalf, it's never gonna go over well. Shouldn't really be a surprise.

I agree to that part. But ... what can you do? Let's say he doesn't say anything, let's say he fakes it, then what ? he'd still be uncomfortable. It's still a faux pas.

Beginnings are so frail. Less is more, at the beginning.

March 28, 2016

You got the details partially right Katie.

Good first date the day before with a nice kiss close. Exchanged texts the next day which she was responsive too. However, towards the tail end I said 'Your lips have definitely been on my mind. ;)" to reference our kiss. I guess she probably assumed I was just looking to get laid, because she never responded to that. So I gave it most of the day and tried calling her that night. Nothing. Then a few days later I tried calling one more time and nothing. Walked away. I've always believed that you should go after what you want and I wanted to see her again. So that's why I did a same day call after that and also attempted to follow up. In my experience, when a woman is actually into you it doesn't matter. But admittedly, my text about her lips probably came off as going after sex in nature. So I've since tried to dial down flirting in texts.

Hmmm.... I must be thinking of different girl then, as i specifically recall your calling one woman immediately after you got done texting to surprise her. During texting... you made a funny comment about calling to which she responded by laughing, so you thought it cool that you call immediately thereafter, again to surprise her and plan the next date.

And she didn't pick up which had you baffled as you had just got done texting like 30 seconds earlier.

You debated whether you should call again, which you did, and she ignored that call too, which I remember thinking completely left you baffled, but you eventually let it go.

I am kinda surprised you don't remember her, you really liked her! I recall your twirling her around upon first meeting her (she was wearing a very feminine dress from what I recall) and how she responded well to that.

Oh well, doesn't matter. I was just using it to illustrate a point, which if you don't even recall the instance, kinda makes the whole thing moot.

March 28, 2016

I agree to that part. But ... what can you do? Let's say he doesn't say anything, let's say he fakes it, then what ? he'd still be uncomfortable. It's still a faux pas.

Beginnings are so frail. Less is more, at the beginning.

If I was him I'd go outside his comfort zone for her sake. It's been pointed out elsewhere already but she wasn't talking "#future," she was just talking. If he's got issues that are so poignant that he can't comfortably engage in a little innocuous next-day phone call fun despite his general preferences, he may have sent the wrong message by going out with her at all in the first place. Or at the very least he could have told her on the date that he likes to go extremely slow so she wouldn't step in it on his behalf.

March 28, 2016

Hmmm.... I must be thinking of different girl then, as i specifically recall your calling one woman immediately after you got done texting to surprise her. During texting... you made a funny comment about calling to which she responded by laughing, so you thought it cool that you call immediately thereafter, again to surprise her and plan the next date.

And she didn't pick up which had you baffled as you had just got done texting like 30 seconds earlier.

You debated whether you should call again, which you did, and she ignored that call too, which I remember thinking completely left you baffled, but you eventually let it go.

I am kinda surprised you don't remember her, you really liked her! I recall your twirling her around upon first meeting her (she was wearing a very feminine dress from what I recall) and how she responded well to that.

Oh well, doesn't matter. I was just using it to illustrate a point, which if you don't even recall the instance, kinda makes the whole thing moot.

This was a woman I dated for six weeks. Things in common, great physical chemistry, and every date ended with her saying she couldn't wait to see me again. The next day after our last date, we exchanged a few texts and I did make a joke in reference to calling unexpectedly/surprise which she liked. So I called right after that and she didn't pick up, so I left a voice mail. That's when I let four days go by being baffled at what had happened and tried calling one last time before walking away.

March 28, 2016

You got the details partially right Katie.

Good first date the day before with a nice kiss close. Exchanged texts the next day which she was responsive too. However, towards the tail end I said 'Your lips have definitely been on my mind. ;)" to reference our kiss. I guess she probably assumed I was just looking to get laid, because she never responded to that. So I gave it most of the day and tried calling her that night. Nothing. Then a few days later I tried calling one more time and nothing. Walked away. I've always believed that you should go after what you want and I wanted to see her again. So that's why I did a same day call after that and also attempted to follow up. In my experience, when a woman is actually into you it doesn't matter. But admittedly, my text about her lips probably came off as going after sex in nature. So I've since tried to dial down flirting in texts.

It's nice when a man compliments me on my lips & kisses. Perhaps you simply were too eager & showed it. A bit of restrain and patience go a long way. It's unfair but if you feel you like your partner more then they like you, the way forward is to not let that show. Ideally dial down your interest so that you ignite theirs. If you got them interested, You know you did a great job.

It's my theory, anyway. Whenever I showed to a guy I liked him, he immediately wanted to bed me. Not good. Not a nice happy ending.

March 28, 2016

This was a woman I dated for six weeks. Things in common, great physical chemistry, and every date ended with her saying she couldn't wait to see me again. The next day after our last date, we exchanged a few texts and I did make a joke in reference to calling unexpectedly/surprise which she liked. So I called right after that and she didn't pick up, so I left a voice mail. That's when I let four days go by being baffled at what had happened and tried calling one last time before walking away.

Okay thanks for clarifying! I knew I remembered something about it.... and now that I think about it, I do recall you were dating a while, which made the experience all the more baffling.

Thanks for clearing it up for me!

March 28, 2016

This was a woman I dated for six weeks. Things in common, great physical chemistry, and every date ended with her saying she couldn't wait to see me again. The next day after our last date, we exchanged a few texts and I did make a joke in reference to calling unexpectedly/surprise which she liked. So I called right after that and she didn't pick up, so I left a voice mail. That's when I let four days go by being baffled at what had happened and tried calling one last time before walking away.

Oh, man, I would die if a man faded on me after 6 weeks, whatta loser! Really, what a horrible person ! I hope you realize it had nothing to do with your calling her. Did you talk about being in a RS, etc ?

March 28, 2016

I think a phone call would have weirded me out a bit too. I could see after 3 - 4 dates but if you've already had that "I had a great time" text, she really should have just left it.

I've had guys call me when we haven't even had the first date yet and I was instantly turned off. It's too forward and pushy. It's like being put on the spot with someone you don't know. Maybe some people are cool with this, I am an introvert and definitely am not.

Obviously you two have different needs and at least you figured it out early

March 28, 2016

Oh, man, I would die if a man faded on me after 6 weeks, whatta loser! Really, what a horrible person ! I hope you realize it had nothing to do with your calling her. Did you talk about being in a RS, etc ?

Nope. Just took it date by date and week by week. Usually if you get faded/ghosted on you can rationalize what you may have done wrong, etc..

But this was the one that really confused me. She always said what a great time she had, the sexual chemistry was off the charts good, loads in common, etc.. Our last date ended just like all the others with her saying she couldn't wait to see me again. So per usual, I followed up the next day. Thought it was lead to our next date. But instead, just me calling/leaving a voice mail and nothing. Nothing back from the follow up call four days later either and she ALWAYS returned voice mails. The funny thing is that if we'd kept dating, I probably would have brought up being exclusive/relationship within the next month with how well we were clicking. But oh well..LOL

March 28, 2016

Just me, but I would much rather a man be direct and honest about who he is, and what he wants/prefers.... rather than withhold who he is, etc, play nice, essentially coddle me so as to avoid hurting my feelings.

Ugh... I cannot think of anything worse, except perhaps being faded on or ghosted, which thankfully I have never experienced..

And just to reiterate, she and OP had already exchanged texts that morning, and expressed mutual interest.

Again JMO, but I think it's wrong to send the message to men that they have to lie to women, or withhold what they want (or don't want) outta fear of offending or hurting a woman's feelings.

Women are not these fragile little creatures ready to crumble upon hearing something they might not like.

Give us more credit for pete's sake!

Sure there are a few who WILL take offense, become irritated, due to hurt feelings or whatevs, but in the majority of cases, I highly doubt most women would have reacted that way.

Her reaction, to me, was a bit over the top, and then to dump him because of it!

Of course that's her prerogative, just like it's the OP's prerogative to become a bit turned off at her reaction to what he asserted after she called.

March 28, 2016

Nope. Just took it date by date and week by week. Usually if you get faded/ghosted on you can rationalize what you may have done wrong, etc..

But this was the one that really confused me. She always said what a great time she had, the sexual chemistry was off the charts good, loads in common, etc.. Our last date ended just like all the others with her saying she couldn't wait to see me again. So per usual, I followed up the next day. Thought it was lead to our next date. But instead, just me calling/leaving a voice mail and nothing. Nothing back from the follow up call four days later either and she ALWAYS returned voice mails. The funny thing is that if we'd kept dating, I probably would have brought up being exclusive/relationship within the next month with how well we were clicking. But oh well..LOL

I'm sorry this happened, Ff. The only comment I dare make is that 6 weeks is a lot to be having sex and yet not being exclusive. Someone else might have asked sooner, I dunno... Still, it doesn't excuse her totally fading ! Some people ...

March 28, 2016

I'm sorry this happened, Ff. The only comment I dare make is that 6 weeks is a lot to be having sex and yet not being exclusive. Someone else might have asked sooner, I dunno... Still, it doesn't excuse her totally fading ! Some people ...

Well this did happen quite awhile ago. So it's definitely in the past. If anything it makes for an interesting dating story. LOL

March 28, 2016

Well this did happen quite awhile ago. So it's definitely in the past. If anything it makes for an interesting dating story. LOL

Yeah, it' always something, ain't it? Call, don't call, take it slow, ask her to be exclusive, not too late, not too soon... It's like Goldilocks, every single damn time . Just like with the OP, it ain't right until it's right, You know what I mean? And sometimes you have higher chances of getting struck by lightning than bumping into a normal person who's into you

March 28, 2016

I think that it's different when the situation is in reverse. Guys typically do move faster when they're really into someone, and it's expected (and healthy) for the woman to slow it down to a reasonable pace. Most guys wouldn't get offended as much as a woman in that situation. If a man says to slow down at the beginning, that's a HUGE red flag that he's not really feeling it. If a woman says it, it doesn't necessarily mean she's not feeling it (although it could mean that). It may be gender bias, but we are wired differently.

It's completely different based on gender.

Of course a man is going to listen to a lecture on 'communication preference'. He wants to get laid.

At the threat of being 'the bad guy', women don't respect direct communication in the same way that men do. Women might say they want direct communication, but their actions say otherwise.

I already made one theater analogy, I'll make another: show, don't tell. You don't want a woman calling you? You text her later instead. She'll (probably) get the hint. You do not break the fourth wall, unless you are in sh*t street, and forced to.

Like I said earlier, It's all moot. A man will get excited about a call from a girl that he really likes, and has a great vibe with.

March 28, 2016

Like I said earlier, It's all moot. A man will get excited about a call from a girl that he really likes, and has a great vibe with.

Exactly. I think the main problem boils down to the fact that the OP didn't like her enough. I mean he says he had a good first date. But if he'd had what he deemed an amazing first date, and that woman calls him, I'd doubt that he'd react the way that he did.

March 28, 2016

It's completely different based on gender.

Of course a man is going to listen to a lecture on 'communication preference'. He wants to get laid.

At the threat of being 'the bad guy', women don't respect direct communication in the same way that men do. Women might say they want direct communication, but their actions say otherwise.

I already made one theater analogy, I'll make another: show, don't tell. You don't want a woman calling you? You text her later instead. She'll (probably) get the hint. You do not break the fourth wall, unless you are in sh*t street, and forced to.

Like I said earlier, It's all moot. A man will get excited about a call from a girl that he really likes, and has a great vibe with.

I dunno, literally ALL my boyfriends have been direct, to the point of being downright BLUNT, and I always respected it and appreciated their honesty and directness.

As I said, I would much rather him be direct and honest (even if it's not something I wish to hear) rather than withholding his true feelings or pretending he's okay with something, when he's not -- that would be way worse - cringe-worthy actually. To me.

And if I ever found out a boyfriend were doing that with me, or even just a guy I had one date with, for fear of hurting my precious feelings or whatevs.... I would dump him for THAT! That is insulting. I am big girl... I can handle the truth, no matter how harsh.... thank you very much.

I am weird though, I think we've all pretty much determined that. LOL

Edited March 28, 2016 by katiegrl

March 28, 2016

The thread-starter has not been back to this thread in 3 days, despite posting elsewhere on the site, so we'll close it up pending their wish to return to it. They can use the 'Alert Us' button on this post if they wish it to be reopened.

Thanks for the participation,

~6

Sign In

Coming on too strong after first date? Can't tell who is overreacting.

Recommended Posts

hippychick3

katiegrl

fitnessfan365

candie13

katiegrl

jen1447

fitnessfan365

candie13

katiegrl

candie13

LivingDeadGrl

fitnessfan365

katiegrl

candie13

fitnessfan365

candie13

Jabron1

fitnessfan365

katiegrl

Robert

What's New

My Activity Streams

More...