Coming on too strong after first date? Can't tell who is overreacting.

[Philosopher]

I was replying to Jabron when you wrote this.

 

 

So yea, I think it would have been ok to let that call go to voicemail. Maybe he shouldn't wait 2 days to call back but maybe he could have used the time to buffer his message a bit.

 

I mean, just because he has one style and she has another, it doesn't have to be a deal-breaker. But the days after a first date are pretty fragile and my sense is that things are awkward now. And "awkward" can kill it.

 

OP, since you were caught off guard by the call then I think letting the call go to voicemail would have been the best course of action, however this should have been followed up pretty quickly with a text saying you would call later, to show that you were interested. This should have been followed up by calling later that day. You could have then been a lot more prepared for the call, subsequently the call would have gone considerably better and hopefully there would have been no awkwardness.

[Timshel]

Had a good first date last night. Went to a few places, had fun, had some laughs and fooled around a little at my place after. She didn't stay over.

 

We exchanged texts this morning and did the whole "I had a great time, let's meet again" thing. So far so good.

 

My phone rings a few hours later. It's her! She's "just calling to say hi and see how my day is going." This really caught me off guard. I am used to waiting a little while to hang out on the phone. She could tell I seemed caught off guard and asked about it. I told her I think it's super cool she called but I usually pace communication frequency a little slower early on. She seemed a little irritated and now wanted to talk about that. I restated I had fun and wanted to meet again, and it's because I want to do things right that I want to pace things over time. I still don't think she liked hearing that. I told her I had to go but I'd text her in a few days to set something up. Again, seemed irritated. We said bye.

 

Am I overreacting here, or am I right in thinking she's getting too involved too soon? I let her know I'm into her, that I want to meet again, but that I want to do it right. Now I feel like I did something 'wrong' and also felt incredibly turned off by her... both for her calling me so soon and also for her reacting negatively toward me when being honest about my needs. What gives?

 

Nope. She seems to be forcing a level of intimacy that is not there.

TITB, if you would like to avoid a less than level headed reaction the day after:

Do not 'fool around' with people you do not know. If you require intimacy to build over a period of time then..... Intimacy does in fact and contrary to popular belief, build over time. Your actions should reflect this knowledge or you are perpetuating the same shallowness you chastise.

 

Do not contact this woman for a second date and block her. She has thrown her hand and is too zealous for your sensibilities. Other posters have said this is a prelude to future discord and I agree.

[serendipity90]

I think she sounds clingy and a bit like a potential bunny boiler in the making judging by her reaction to someone not wanting to take a call after the first date.

 

I would have found that a turn off. Phone calls are too intrusive, plus I usually like to let the guy take the lead and this is how they prefer it too in my experience.

[katiegrl]

I think she sounds clingy and a bit like a potential bunny boiler in the making judging by her reaction to someone not wanting to take a call after the first date.

 

I would have found that a turn off. Phone calls are too intrusive, plus I usually like to let the guy take the lead and this is how they prefer it too in my experience.

 

I agree, and my experience as well....

[mrldii]

To add. everything happens for a reason.

 

By communicating what he did, they both learned some very valuable info about each other.

 

Her -- that he prefers to take things slower than she, and

 

Him - that she's prefers to rush in fast, and when she doesn't get her way, becomes snarky and disrespectful.

 

I say it's a win win, as now they know they are not compatible, and can move on without wasting unnecessary time!!

 

He got turned off, and I would venture to guess so did she!

 

Next!!! For both!

 

Yup, yup. This is the purpose of dating. They've discovered they're not on the same page in a lot of areas.

 

 

Not that big of a deal. We're going to NOT be on the same page with a wholehelluvalot more people than we will gel with. There's a reason it's called "finding The ONE", after all.

 

 

[Popsicle]

I think she sounds clingy and a bit like a potential bunny boiler in the making judging by her reaction to someone not wanting to take a call after the first date.

 

I would have found.

 

And dispassionate people are boring.

[katiegrl]

And dispassionate people are boring.

 

There is a huge difference between being dispassionate ..... and clingy, potential bunny boiler (lol) snarky and disrespectful.

 

We know you like clingy Popsicle and there is nothing wrong with that!

 

OP does not... I think that's his right. Don't you?

[Popsicle]

There is a huge difference between being dispassionate ..... and clingy, potential bunny boiler (lol) snarky and disrespectful.

 

We know you like clingy Popsicle and there is nothing wrong with that!

 

OP does not... I think that's his right. Don't you?

 

Yes I do but there's also difference between being passionate and a potential bunny boiler. I think that's someones right too. Don't you?

[katiegrl]

Yes I do but there's also difference between being passionate and a potential bunny boiler. I think that's someones right too. Don't you?

 

Yes of course!

 

I was being facetious when I wrote bunny boiler .. that's why I wrote lol after.

 

Someone else mentioned it and I thought it was funny, that's all.

 

But yeah I agree, we shouldn't be deeming her that....but a bit clingy might be warranted.

[Popsicle]

Yes of course!

 

I was being facetious when I wrote bunny boiler .. that's why I wrote lol after.

 

Someone else mentioned it and I thought it was funny, that's all.

 

But yeah I agree, we shouldn't be deeming her that....but a bit clingy might be warranted.

 

She's a bit clingy and he's a bit boring. Great now we all can be happy. Lol

[WaitingForBardot]

IDK, it sounds to me like she had a good time so she called the next day; hard for me to read more into it than that. (Guess she won't make that mistake again... ..lol..) You were the one that started stating how you felt typical relationships should develop, when maybe she wasn't even thinking past "hey we had a good time I think I'll give him a call" at that point.

 

In any case you seemed to have resolved the problem...

[caringsister]

He broke the fourth wall.

 

Just interested, would any woman here have tolerated a man telling them 'I don't want to speak to you on the phone. I don't typically speak to women that I date on the phone so soon. I'll text you in a few days instead'.

 

 

 

 

Honestly? Yeah it would.

 

But this is all moot anyway. I don't think the OP is really into her.

 

Not this woman. Too ridged and scheduled for my taste. Seriously, wtf!

[caringsister]

Had a good first date last night. Went to a few places, had fun, had some laughs and fooled around a little at my place after. She didn't stay over.

 

We exchanged texts this morning and did the whole "I had a great time, let's meet again" thing. So far so good.

 

My phone rings a few hours later. It's her! She's "just calling to say hi and see how my day is going." This really caught me off guard. I am used to waiting a little while to hang out on the phone. She could tell I seemed caught off guard and asked about it. I told her I think it's super cool she called but I usually pace communication frequency a little slower early on. She seemed a little irritated and now wanted to talk about that. I restated I had fun and wanted to meet again, and it's because I want to do things right that I want to pace things over time. I still don't think she liked hearing that. I told her I had to go but I'd text her in a few days to set something up. Again, seemed irritated. We said bye.

 

Am I overreacting here, or am I right in thinking she's getting too involved too soon? I let her know I'm into her, that I want to meet again, but that I want to do it right. Now I feel like I did something 'wrong' and also felt incredibly turned off by her... both for her calling me so soon and also for her reacting negatively toward me when being honest about my needs. What gives?

 

I don't think just because she called you that means she is getting involved to soon. I think it means she really enjoyed your company and you gave off the vibe via text that you enjoyed hers too. So later in the day she calls to chit chat and is probably taken aback by your "taken of guard" attitude. I mean after all, it was only a simple phone call not like she showed up at your house unannounced.

 

All this talk about pacing communication frequency, doing things right and texting in a few days to set things up comes off as very ridged at least to me. Even a bit controlling. She'll be at your mercy for communication clearances.

 

Anyone else hear the sound of eggshells crunching underfoot?

[TheBathWater]

Damn! A lot of responses on this thread.

 

Others are welcome to analyze all they want and project their own preferences and reactions into my situation. I don't feel it's appropriate though to start making caricature statements ("weirdo", etc...) when you have a different approach than mine.

 

We had a fun date. We texted the next morning saying we had fun and would like to do it again soon. So then when my phone rings a few hours later with a "just calling to say hi and see how your day is", I'm feeling very confused and alert. If there were no text prior then I might have reacted differently. She felt way too involved to me and too soon. I let her know I was glad she called but that I liked to pace things slower. She got angry and wanted to talk about it. Red flag to me. I got off the phone and said I'll talk to you soon.

 

She texted me today and said she doesn't want to meet again because a follow-up phone call after the first date is that damn important to her. Good, and thank God! I am not that into someone after one date. Just no. I can understand she feels rejected (which is why I tried to reinforce I think it's cool she called) but I'd rather play it right then repeat getting too close too soon. Been there done that. It doesn't end well. And this girl had clinger written all over her I feel. So yeah, I'm glad it's over.

 

Flame away.

[mrldii]

Personally, OP, I think she's just upset to realize that - since the first call after the first date didn't go as she'd hoped - that there will be no second phone call

 

 

in which you two can discuss the wedding venue and how many people to have as attendants on your big day

 

 

which has been scheduled for 4/9/16.

 

 

[katiegrl]

You will get no flaming from me.... but I am curious as to how you responded, if at all.

 

Frankly I think you dodged a huge bullet.... not because she called, but because both her reactions (her response to what you said, and then now) sound intense!

Edited March 25, 2016 by katiegrl

[Raena]

It seems to me that you weren't really that into her at all anyway. If you were, a simple phone call would not have turned you off, it would have made you smile instead.

 

I don't think it makes her a clinger at all. I don't think it makes you rigid and inflexible either. I do think that she just didn't push the right buttons for you so you found a reason to be turned off by her.

 

I find it so odd that people get so upset over a phone call but not a text. I'd be more annoyed if all I got were text messages and never an actual phone call. Heaven forbid we actually talk to each other rather than type.

[Popsicle]

It seems to me that you weren't really that into her at all anyway. If you were, a simple phone call would not have turned you off, it would have made you smile instead.

 

I don't think it makes her a clinger at all. I don't think it makes you rigid and inflexible either. I do think that she just didn't push the right buttons for you so you found a reason to be turned off by her.

 

I find it so odd that people get so upset over a phone call but not a text. I'd be more annoyed if all I got were text messages and never an actual phone call. Heaven forbid we actually talk to each other rather than type.

 

Right. Nature took its course and ended it the way it should have been. These two want something different and were not right for each other.

[jen1447]

All this talk about pacing communication frequency, doing things right and texting in a few days to set things up comes off as very ridged at least to me. Even a bit controlling. She'll be at your mercy for communication clearances.

 

This may be a side-track discussion but I still think it's interesting in the current context. I call this 'fear-based dating' - bscly all actions are motivated by fear or worry or concern. Don't call the next day. Why? Bc I'm afraid it might make a bad impression. Don't answer a call. Why? Bc I'm afraid it might make me look too eager. Etc., etc. - bscly all the PUA recommendations are fear-based, and likewise the 'little miss purity' or aloof stuff women sometimes do.

 

I don't get it bc it seems to me that being genuine trumps all these 'tactics' and fears. So if you enjoyed the date and feel like calling the guy the next day, call him. If he doesn't react well, oh well. But ffs don't cringe in the shadows in terror, thinking that any move you make at any moment might bring life crashing down all around you. You're not negotiating peace treaties w/nuclear weapon nations here, it's just dating. No need to be afraid.

[Popsicle]

This may be a side-track discussion but I still think it's interesting in the current context. I call this 'fear-based dating' - bscly all actions are motivated by fear or worry or concern. Don't call the next day. Why? Bc I'm afraid it might make a bad impression. Don't answer a call. Why? Bc I'm afraid it might make me look too eager. Etc., etc. - bscly all the PUA recommendations are fear-based, and likewise the 'little miss purity' or aloof stuff women sometimes do.

 

I don't get it bc it seems to me that being genuine trumps all these 'tactics' and fears. So if you enjoyed the date and feel like calling the guy the next day, call him. If he doesn't react well, oh well. But ffs don't cringe in the shadows in terror, thinking that any move you make at any moment might bring life crashing down all around you. You're not negotiating peace treaties w/nuclear weapon nations here, it's just dating. No need to be afraid.

 

I agree. People should just do what they feel and stop acting fake.

The truth will come out then (as I believe it did in this case).

[Versacehottie]

This may be a side-track discussion but I still think it's interesting in the current context. I call this 'fear-based dating' - bscly all actions are motivated by fear or worry or concern. Don't call the next day. Why? Bc I'm afraid it might make a bad impression. Don't answer a call. Why? Bc I'm afraid it might make me look too eager. Etc., etc. - bscly all the PUA recommendations are fear-based, and likewise the 'little miss purity' or aloof stuff women sometimes do.

 

I don't get it bc it seems to me that being genuine trumps all these 'tactics' and fears. So if you enjoyed the date and feel like calling the guy the next day, call him. If he doesn't react well, oh well. But ffs don't cringe in the shadows in terror, thinking that any move you make at any moment might bring life crashing down all around you. You're not negotiating peace treaties w/nuclear weapon nations here, it's just dating. No need to be afraid.

 

I agree. Both the OP and his date were essentially doing the same thing. He's uptight about her calling because it doesn't match how he thinks relationships should go and she feels rejected and subsequently either lashes out or wants to discuss (sounds heavy) probably based on either her flawed dating or being hurt and overly protective of herself from prior dating. Both are basing their current actions based on fear. Equally in the wrong.

 

Sure she may have been clingy and confrontational (too much IMO). Idk how telling her that she is basically wrong for calling isn't confrontational either? It's all too much. Dating should be fun. Both of you should relax. Neither of these is a recipe for dating success. Good luck anyway.

[TheBathWater]

You will get no flaming from me.... but I am curious as to how you responded, if at all.

 

Frankly I think you dodged a huge bullet.... not because she called, but because both her reactions (her response to what you said, and then now) sound intense!

 

I didn't. She's a big girl and made her decision.

 

EXACTLY my thoughts too regarding her reactions. One thing that keeps frustrating me with these responses on LS is how few people recognize I did not tell this woman she was wrong for calling me (I actually told her it was cool that she did, so wtf?!). I owned my reaction and was 100% honest in saying I was used to pacing more slowly and wanting to see her again. That's not fear. That's open communication. I can almost always think of how I could have done things better, but honestly here I can't. I did my part. And I'm done commenting on it now because I'm really not into her and have no intention of responding to her.

[Emilia]

I didn't. She's a big girl and made her decision.

 

EXACTLY my thoughts too regarding her reactions. One thing that keeps frustrating me with these responses on LS is how few people recognize I did not tell this woman she was wrong for calling me (I actually told her it was cool that she did, so wtf?!). I owned my reaction and was 100% honest in saying I was used to pacing more slowly and wanting to see her again. That's not fear. That's open communication. I can almost always think of how I could have done things better, but honestly here I can't. I did my part. And I'm done commenting on it now because I'm really not into her and have no intention of responding to her.

 

I think your reaction is completely normal. Boundaries are very important and it's very early on becomes obvious. I misunderstood some of your earlier posts

 

I too had relationships go wrong because people had no understanding of what was an appropriate emotional investment. It becomes obvious after the first date.

 

Good for you.

[katiegrl]

I didn't. She's a big girl and made her decision.

 

EXACTLY my thoughts too regarding her reactions. One thing that keeps frustrating me with these responses on LS is how few people recognize I did not tell this woman she was wrong for calling me (I actually told her it was cool that she did, so wtf?!). I owned my reaction and was 100% honest in saying I was used to pacing more slowly and wanting to see her again. That's not fear. That's open communication. I can almost always think of how I could have done things better, but honestly here I can't. I did my part. And I'm done commenting on it now because I'm really not into her and have no intention of responding to her.

 

Tuna.... I completely understand and am with ya all the way.

 

When I first started dating my ex, he came on quite strong, texting and calling me more than I was comfortable with, and I, too, like you, told him I prefer to take things a bit more slowly in early stages.

 

And this is a man with whom I had sex the first night we met!

 

Contrary to how this gal reacted, he understood completely, respected my boundaries and back off accordingly.

 

Our RL lasted six years.

 

Later he actually thanked me for slowing him down, as he told me his history was rushing in fast, then losing interest just as fast.

 

So you did the absolute right thing IMO ... her reaction was over-the-top, and as I said, I think you dodged a huge bullet.

[losangelena]

EXACTLY my thoughts too regarding her reactions. One thing that keeps frustrating me with these responses on LS is how few people recognize I did not tell this woman she was wrong for calling me (I actually told her it was cool that she did, so wtf?!). I owned my reaction and was 100% honest in saying I was used to pacing more slowly and wanting to see her again. That's not fear. That's open communication. I can almost always think of how I could have done things better, but honestly here I can't. I did my part. And I'm done commenting on it now because I'm really not into her and have no intention of responding to her.

 

 

Well, exactly, and many have said this, too. If you had been sincerely interested in her, you would've been happy to hear from her, regardless of "pacing." I think pacing in general is a way to keep someone at arm's length. If you meet someone you immediately click with, suddenly the notion of pace goes out the window and you say you can't believe your good fortune to have met someone with whom you connect so well and so immediately.

 

My parents were engaged the week after they met, so you can bet that my dad certainly wouldn't have cared if my mom had called him the day after they met. Hell, he followed her to Montreal for a vacation she'd already planned to take by herself. Most would have considered that WAY over the top, but he went and proposed to her and they were married until he died.

 

Anyway, I for one appreciate the way you've clarified yourself in subsequent posts. I agree with the points being made by others regardless of how or if they pertain to your situation. Often, tangential points get brought up in these threads and they're interesting to talk about. Doesn't necessarily mean you're getting "flamed."