Coming on too strong after first date? Can't tell who is overreacting.

[katiegrl]

I believe OP stated they kept most of their clothes ON.

 

Just thought I'd mention that, not that it makes any difference.

 

It just boggles my mind how folks on this board are constantly advising to state needs and boundaries early on, but when a *man* does just that, he gets criticized.

 

So they made out, big whoop!

 

He needed a day or two to process the date ..... and when she called he told her that.

 

Would it have been better to not take her call and ignore her for two-three days?

 

I don't think so!!

 

He took the call, and communicated he prefers to take things slower!

 

Nothing wrong with that! In fact it was the right thing to do, it was honest and direct, so no wondering on her part, no confusion, which is all we see on these boards.

 

People wondering what their date is thinking, what they want, etc.

 

Why hasn't he called, the list goes on!

 

If a woman had done what Tuna did... you'd be applauding her!

Edited March 25, 2016 by katiegrl

[candie13]

Please reread my post. I made no assumptions about forcing boundaries nor weak boundaries.

 

 

 

He's free to express his opinions, and he did. But he should not be surprised if some people, including this woman, think that once you've undressed with someone, a phone call isn't over-stepping anything.

 

 

 

Only if he chooses to ask for input from an internet forum.

 

well, who are you or I to judge what is or is not right to do after getting physical?

 

I believe we may give our opinions, in the terms of "I agree" or "I do not agree" but saying categorically it's ok or not ok is futile, for the single reason that neither you or I are authorities in this matter.

 

It's about personal preferences. It's like saying it's not ok to have desert before having fish. Actually, in Ayurveda says that the sweet tastes should precede sour tastes ... so.... as many preferences as colors.

 

Judging is different, though. Your preference for life in black and white is personal. Mine has a bit more depth and color and allows me to have flexibility. To learn, experience various angles of other points of view and perhaps even change my mind, instead of climbing up on the hollier than thou justice pole.

[introverted1]

I don't see any gender bias here. At least for me, my reaction would be the same regardless who called whom.

 

I also agree that it is perfectly ok for him to express his needs/boundaries (although I think he may have been a little pedantic in his approach, but it's hard to judge that since we only know what he reports here and not how the conversation actually went down). Just adding that some people -- and perhaps this woman is one of them -- may have different boundaries, and this is potentially a marker of compatibility rather than an absolute right/wrong.

 

(And yes, I am clearly old-fashioned inasmuch as, to me, it's contradictory that making out and taking off clothes are compatible with a slow pace but a phone call the next day is not.)

 

But the OP is not me and, as stated above, he is entitled to his own preferences. However, since he came here asking "who is overreacting," he is likely to get a variety of opinions. And presumably, that's what he wants or he would not be asking on an internet forum.

[introverted1]

well, who are you or I to judge what is or is not right to do after getting physical?

 

I believe we may give our opinions, in the terms of "I agree" or "I do not agree" but saying categorically it's ok or not ok is futile, for the single reason that neither you or I are authorities in this matter.

 

It's about personal preferences. It's like saying it's not ok to have desert before having fish. Actually, in Ayurveda says that the sweet tastes should precede sour tastes ... so.... as many preferences as colors.

 

Judging is different, though. Your preference for life in black and white is personal. Mine has a bit more depth and color and allows me to have flexibility. To learn, experience various angles of other points of view and perhaps even change my mind, instead of climbing up on the hollier than thou justice pole.

 

You seem to have some reading comprehension issues. Not sure if you are a non-native speaker or just looking unable to ascertain nuance?

 

In any case, I believe I expressed an opinion, and have very clearly stated that it is not a matter of right/wrong but of compatibility.

 

Pretty sure it does not help the OP for you to focus on my posts, so perhaps you can respond to him instead. Thanks.

[Jabron1]

He broke the fourth wall.

 

Just interested, would any woman here have tolerated a man telling them 'I don't want to speak to you on the phone. I don't typically speak to women that I date on the phone so soon. I'll text you in a few days instead'.

 

 

Would it have been better to not take her call and ignore her for two-three days?

 

I don't think so!!

 

Honestly? Yeah it would.

 

But this is all moot anyway. I don't think the OP is really into her.

[candie13]

I absolutely agree in the wealth of differences of opinion. It's what allows people to see behind their blind spots, IMO.

 

I would add, as long as those opinions are founded and have depth and do not come off as judgemental. I was not disputing your point of view, I was disputing the indignation behind it, the black and white position. I respect different position, of course. Indeed, there is a wide, really wide dating pool with an even wider plethora of opinions about what's the natural thing to do after or right after intimacy. As one has just met their partner, engaging in such activities while lacking such information, is, as we have seen, risky. Even fatal for the newly formed interaction .

[candie13]

You seem to have some reading comprehension issues. Not sure if you are a non-native speaker or just looking unable to ascertain nuance?

 

In any case, I believe I expressed an opinion, and have very clearly stated that it is not a matter of right/wrong but of compatibility.

 

Pretty sure it does not help the OP for you to focus on my posts, so perhaps you can respond to him instead. Thanks.

 

1. not native English speaker

 

2. in your original post, you used terms such as "it's ok" "it's not ok" and immediately tranferred that to you and how you're much better than that and how your expectations are much bigger than that of the woman the OP had dated (hollier than thou attitude)

 

3. you've never once, in that initial post, mentioned compatibility .

[katiegrl]

He broke the fourth wall.

 

Just interested, would any woman here have tolerated a man telling them 'I don't want to speak to you on the phone. I don't typically speak to women that I date on the phone so soon. I'll text you in a few days instead'.

 

 

 

 

Honestly? Yeah it would.

 

But this is all moot anyway. I don't think the OP is really into her.

 

introverted, since you "liked" Jabron's post, do you honestly believe it would have been *better* had he NOT taken her call and ignored her for 2-3 days?

 

Leaving her to think god only knows what?

 

Really?

 

I am really surprised by that! Ugh!

[introverted1]

Honestly? Yeah it would.

 

But this is all moot anyway. I don't think the OP is really into her.

 

I agree with both points.

 

I am not usually a fan of not taking calls but, in this case, I think it would have been better to show her his desired pace rather than tell her. Then, on their next date, he could have discussed his communication needs/likes/whatever and maybe they could have mutually agreed on a pace.

 

But I also think he is not that into her and perhaps that is why he took the approach he did.

[candie13]

He broke the fourth wall.

 

Just interested, would any woman here have tolerated a man telling them 'I don't want to speak to you on the phone. I don't typically speak to women that I date on the phone so soon. I'll text you in a few days instead'.

I agree to that part.

 

Given that he was uncomfortable with taking the call, whatever he'd have said of the phone, the woman would have sensed he's not at ease. that's a huge turn off for any woman, because, I agree, it points out to the fact that she exposed herself. Classic "faux pas", in my humble opinion.

 

 

But this is all moot anyway. I don't think the OP is really into her

.

 

yeah, I sort of agree to that as well. Also... I dunno, the beginnings are frail, very frail, so caution is needed. A blow of the wind, catching sight of someone from the past, reading a fb post about a past lover... I mean anything can turn around what looked like a promising dating situation.

[Popsicle]

Doing it "right" (as you phrased it) is subjective. You don't like communicating a lot but she does. She might even need it to feel good about you, whereas you are the opposite. It's foolish, and frankly, self-absorbed, to say that one way is right and the other way is wrong. There is only the way that makes you both happy. This is a red flag to me as an incompatibility.

[katiegrl]

introverted, since you "liked" Jabron's post, do you honestly believe it would have been *better* had he NOT taken her call and ignored her for 2-3 days?

 

Leaving her to think god only knows what?

 

Really?

 

I am really surprised by that! Ugh!

 

To add. everything happens for a reason.

 

By communicating what he did, they both learned some very valuable info about each other.

 

Her -- that he prefers to take things slower than she, and

 

Him - that she's prefers to rush in fast, and when she doesn't get her way, becomes snarky and disrespectful.

 

I say it's a win win, as now they know they are not compatible, and can move on without wasting unnecessary time!!

 

He got turned off, and I would venture to guess so did she!

 

Next!!! For both!

[jen1447]

More hyper-analysis - clothes off, clothes on, was he wearing slippers, was she angry about Obama doing the tango in Argentina ....

 

Strip away to the basics and it's real simple - they had a date, they enjoyed it, she called him the next day, he bscly said he doesn't want to talk. (Cue moot 'rules' discussion if you want.) Not sure how else she's supposed to act.

[introverted1]

introverted, since you "liked" Jabron's post, do you honestly believe it would have been *better* had he NOT taken her call and ignored her for 2-3 days?

 

Leaving her to think god only knows what?

 

Really?

 

I am really surprised by that! Ugh!

 

I was replying to Jabron when you wrote this.

 

To be honest, I am not sure exactly what the best approach would have been. I don't know her so it's hard to tell what motivated her call -- is she a clinger? looking for an instant relationship? or is she someone who doesn't usually make-out with some clothes off on a first date and thought there was a connection?

 

So yea, I think it would have been ok to let that call go to voicemail. Maybe he shouldn't wait 2 days to call back but maybe he could have used the time to buffer his message a bit.

 

I mean, just because he has one style and she has another, it doesn't have to be a deal-breaker. But the days after a first date are pretty fragile and my sense is that things are awkward now. And "awkward" can kill it.

[katiegrl]

More hyper-analysis - clothes off, clothes on, was he wearing slippers, was she angry about Obama doing the tango in Argentina ....

 

Strip away to the basics and it's real simple - they had a date, they enjoyed it, she called him the next day, he bscly said he doesn't want to talk. (Cue moot 'rules' discussion if you want.) Not sure how else she's supposed to act.

 

Not sure how she is *supposed* to act either, but I am fairly certain acting snarky and disrespectful in response to being given honest and direct info ... is how NOT to act if you are interested in someone and wish to move forward with this person.

 

And where did you pull doing the tango in Argentina from?

 

A different thread no doubt, a different sub-forum...

 

If you want to re-enforce a point, surely you can do better than that! :laugh:

[Emilia]

I don't jump into the lovey-dovey chatty stuff on the phone either, regardless whether we had sex. I wouldn't give a guy a hard time over it though, that's just rude. People can usually work out how much you want to communicate by how responsive you are. No need to be in their face about it.

[katiegrl]

I was replying to Jabron when you wrote this.

 

To be honest, I am not sure exactly what the best approach would have been. I don't know her so it's hard to tell what motivated her call -- is she a clinger? looking for an instant relationship? or is she someone who doesn't usually make-out with some clothes off on a first date and thought there was a connection?

 

So yea, I think it would have been ok to let that call go to voicemail. Maybe he shouldn't wait 2 days to call back but maybe he could have used the time to buffer his message a bit.

 

I mean, just because he has one style and she has another, it doesn't have to be a deal-breaker. But the days after a first date are pretty fragile and my sense is that things are awkward now. And "awkward" can kill it.

 

Fair enough.

 

Personally, I actually prefer the more direct (blunt) approach .... even if it's not what I wish to hear.

 

Saves me from having to wrack my brain wondering why he hasn't called back, even for one or two days.

 

Course, I never would have called in the first place.

 

My style is a quick text the following day thanking him, and telling him I had a great time.

 

Then wait for him to respond ...

 

But to each his own....

[Emilia]

introverted, since you "liked" Jabron's post, do you honestly believe it would have been *better* had he NOT taken her call and ignored her for 2-3 days?

 

Leaving her to think god only knows what?

 

Really?

 

I am really surprised by that! Ugh!

 

So we now give posters a hard time based on what they like? What is this? Thought police?

[katiegrl]

So we now give posters a hard time based on what they like? What is this? Thought police?

 

No just expressing an opinion and asking a question... which given most of her previous responses on various thread, surprised me.

 

Is that not allowed in your world?

[hippychick3]

I don't jump into the lovey-dovey chatty stuff on the phone either, regardless whether we had sex. I wouldn't give a guy a hard time over it though, that's just rude. People can usually work out how much you want to communicate by how responsive you are. No need to be in their face about it.

 

I agree. I would never initiate a phone call the next day with a guy after date 1. Heck, I wouldn't even initiate a text...but that's me. But, I think it's rude to be so blunt to her about it. Just not necessary at all. Maybe she was a clinger type or maybe she just really liked him, ventured out of her comfort zone and gathered up a lot of courage to call him...there is no way of knowing which it is. Therefore, his reaction, whether honest or not, was too blunt and harsh for someone he just met.

[Emilia]

No just expressing an opinion and asking a question.

 

Is that not allowed in your world?

 

It is. Aggressively questioning someone over their dare to like something that YOU didn't however isn't.

 

I think some regular posters would benefit from dialing back the intensity of the analysis of complete strangers' lives they've never met.

[clia]

I don't blame her for feeling irritated. You go out in a fun date, invite her back to your place, make out with her, but then don't want to talk to her when she calls the next day to say hello? I echo Jen's comment -- how do you expect her to react? Honestly, I would think you were a gigantic weirdo if you started talking about pacing things, etc. in response to a call like that. It just feels like way overthinking things. If you didn't want to talk, you could've just gotten off the phone quickly and told her you'd call her in a couple days.

 

Yes, you are entitled to not want to talk to her on the phone yet, but I hardly think her calling you the next day to say hello makes her a clinger or too involved.

 

Ultimately, I think you just aren't that into her.

[katiegrl]

It is. Aggressively questioning someone over their dare to like something that YOU didn't however isn't.

 

I think some regular posters would benefit from dialing back the intensity of the analysis of complete strangers' lives they've never met.

 

Well I apologize if I offended you or anyone else ..... but frankly didn't see it as aggressive, not in a bad way anyway.

 

But if you did, again my apologies.

 

Again, just seeking clarification ...which introverted graciously provided, which I respect, thank you introverted!

 

I understand your point better now

[katiegrl]

I don't blame her for feeling irritated. You go out in a fun date, invite her back to your place, make out with her, but then don't want to talk to her when she calls the next day to say hello? I echo Jen's comment -- how do you expect her to react? Honestly, I would think you were a gigantic weirdo if you started talking about pacing things, etc. in response to a call like that. It just feels like way overthinking things. If you didn't want to talk, you could've just gotten off the phone quickly and told her you'd call her in a couple days.

 

Yes, you are entitled to not want to talk to her on the phone yet, but I hardly think her calling you the next day to say hello makes her a clinger or too involved.

 

 

 

---

 

Ultimately, I think you just aren't that into her.

 

^^True .... which he admitted (to us)...which I am sure she figured out too....

 

Now they can both move on to others .... and not waste time.

 

As I said, win win, in very short order!

Edited March 25, 2016 by katiegrl

[Versacehottie]

You sound like you're a bit too rigid OP. Lighten up a bit. It was a simple phone call.

 

What you should've done IMO is had a quick call, and used that opportunity to plan another date. Then you get off the phone. But instead, you come off looking rigid with these lame rules and that you're playing games. There is no "right way". You simply be in the moment and go with the flow.

 

I agree. You may not have liked the frequency of contact or how soon after the first date but to call her out on it was uptight. Just set the pace you are comfortable with by your actions. At the very least a phone call should not have upset you that much. If you enjoy the person, it's nice to talk to them; you don't have to have the call go on forever. Too blunt how you handled IMO. Not all things need to be said; just straighten out via actions and set a pace you are comfortable with. One phone call is not a pattern yet. So your reaction was too much in my opinion.

 

If I was talking to your date, I would tell her it probably wasn't the best idea to call. There is a reason the old-fashioned things work at the beginning. It's a little clingy of her. However, with a guy who likes her and doesn't display commitment-phobic tendencies, she wouldn't have gotten called out for it. So IMO you were both wrong but OP more than she was (considerably). OP, maybe you just don't like her. When I have felt annoyed because some guy was calling me, it usually was because it brought feelings that I hadn't defined yet to the surface: wasn't into them, thus felt like an intrusion or pushy. It didn't help in your date's case that she didn't have much to say. Asking about your day is boring and feels hyperfocused on you. So if you are on the fence, that focus is going to turn you off to her because it seems like she doesn't have her own stuff going on and is too focused on getting into a relationship with you. That said, it all probably wouldn't matter if you had stronger positive feelings for her.