Coming on too strong after first date? Can't tell who is overreacting.

March 24, 2016

Had a good first date last night. Went to a few places, had fun, had some laughs and fooled around a little at my place after. She didn't stay over.

We exchanged texts this morning and did the whole "I had a great time, let's meet again" thing. So far so good.

My phone rings a few hours later. It's her! She's "just calling to say hi and see how my day is going." This really caught me off guard. I am used to waiting a little while to hang out on the phone. She could tell I seemed caught off guard and asked about it. I told her I think it's super cool she called but I usually pace communication frequency a little slower early on. She seemed a little irritated and now wanted to talk about that. I restated I had fun and wanted to meet again, and it's because I want to do things right that I want to pace things over time. I still don't think she liked hearing that. I told her I had to go but I'd text her in a few days to set something up. Again, seemed irritated. We said bye.

Am I overreacting here, or am I right in thinking she's getting too involved too soon? I let her know I'm into her, that I want to meet again, but that I want to do it right. Now I feel like I did something 'wrong' and also felt incredibly turned off by her... both for her calling me so soon and also for her reacting negatively toward me when being honest about my needs. What gives?

March 24, 2016

Reads to me like she's a Stage-5 clinger who thought she'd be able to play off being a cool and aloof Empowered Woman of the New Millennium who doesn't believe in the 3-day/3-date rules and gender-roles and should be able to chat with her newfound *friend* anytime, anywhere

and who didn't like the fact that you picked up on it right away.

You do know that if you've discovered this tendency this soon, then everything is going to become a boundary issue (to which she's deliberately obtuse) if you choose to continue to see her, riiiight?

Proceed with caution - IF you proceed, at all.

Good luck!

March 24, 2016

Let me get this straight - it's not too early to fool around but it's too early to talk on the phone? Sorry, but this just sounds crazy to an old duck like me.

March 24, 2016

Let me get this straight - it's not too early to fool around but it's too early to talk on the phone? Sorry, but this just sounds crazy to an old duck like me.

There's some truth to that too.

It all comes down to intimacy. Physical intimacy and emotional intimacy are not the same thing. I see nothing wrong with fooling around early on and many others (young ducklings, especially) would agree. I do feel it is concerning though when someone seems to expect the kind of emotional intimacy early on that is characteristic of a relationship more developed. "Calling to say hi and see how your day was" the day after the first date is simply too much too soon for me. A sweet gesture, but I kind of feel not right about it.

This comes mostly from my own experiences of having rushed "the relationship" aspect of things too fast too soon and been left to pick up the pieces shortly afterward. I don't want to repeat that and want to do things right (and yes, I believe I can fool around early on and that be okay). But what concerns me perhaps even more in this instance though was her becoming irritated with me when setting a boundary. I'm a little put off by her now (and probably she with me too) and don't think I'm going to move it forward.

Edited March 24, 2016 by TunaInTheBrine

March 24, 2016

You sound like you're a bit too rigid OP. Lighten up a bit. It was a simple phone call.

What you should've done IMO is had a quick call, and used that opportunity to plan another date. Then you get off the phone. But instead, you come off looking rigid with these lame rules and that you're playing games. There is no "right way". You simply be in the moment and go with the flow.

March 24, 2016

I don't really think there was a problem, it was just a phone call...

Now she might think you're not that into her, because you kind off made it seem like you didn't want any contact.

Also saying that you'll text her in a couple of days after she called doesn't help. I think you were being too logical about it, you can't "plan" the frequency of communication.

March 24, 2016

Let me get this straight - it's not too early to fool around but it's too early to talk on the phone? Sorry, but this just sounds crazy to an old duck like me.

Had not thought about it until you said it, but yes!

You know, OP, back in the day, physical intimacy wasn't even broached until emotional intimacy was in place. If you could even refer to a phone call as "emotionally intimate," lol.

Maybe wait a bit next time?

March 25, 2016

Kinda late to be all gentleman-like after fooling around.

March 25, 2016

**** she didn't! She...she phoned you? What a loser!

Lol seriously though you probably ruined it now, if I was her I would detach detach.

March 25, 2016

Tuna, first off define "fooled around a bit." Did you have sex or not?!

Second ... needing a bit of space (one or two days) after a first meet is totally acceptable, in fact I believe it's necessary to maintain a bit of mystery and thus build attraction.

Gives both people an opportunity to think about the date, and each other, to determine whether or not they wish to continue.

Now if you had actual full blown sex, IMO I am sure a call from YOU would have been appreciated!!

But since we don't know what you meant by "fooled around a bit" it's hard to say what the right course of action would have been.

That said, she called you first and now you are turned off.

Now I feel like I did something 'wrong' and also felt incredibly turned off by her... both for her calling me so soon and also for her reacting negatively toward me when being honest about my needs. What gives?

So I guess that's that then!

Next!

March 25, 2016

WOW! OP's really taking some heat, here!

Yes, OP may be rather rigid; yes, he may be rather scripted and predictable in how he would prefer to do things. And, yes...perhaps OP gave waaaaaaay TMI when answering her questions on the subject

but...

these are the parts that made me say "Whoa! Socially-awkward person ahead!" and conclude that there are going to be boundary issues...

...She could tell I seemed caught off guard and asked about it. I told her I think it's super cool she called but I usually pace communication frequency a little slower early on. She seemed a little irritated and now wanted to talk about that. I restated I had fun and wanted to meet again, and it's because I want to do things right that I want to pace things over time. I still don't think she liked hearing that. I told her I had to go but I'd text her in a few days to set something up. Again, seemed irritated...

"Social cues". Perhaps OP had an appointment he was late for. Perhaps OP was entertaining another guest...maybe even a female guest (which he's allowed to...they'd just had their first date, last night). Perhaps he - like many men (and women) - needs to time digest and mull over even the GOOD dating experiences and get acclimated to going from 'a single person' to 'an in-a-relationship person'. Perhaps OP's moved waaaay too quickly in the past, only to have relationships crash-and-burn and wants to slow it down a little, to perhaps have better success.

Whatever was going on, OP had provided numerous cues...which the other person chose NOT to pick up on and instead barn-stormed ahead with what she wanted to discuss, at the pace she wanted to hash 'em out...NOW.

Regardless of how much fooling around you and she did last night, the fact of the matter is: the two of you just met.

March 25, 2016

For me a stage 5 clinger is some guy that I just started chatting with on okcupid, exchanged numbers and is constantly texting and calling me-all this BEFORE meeting up.

March 25, 2016

I think it's kinda cool to find there's a person who's brave enough to actually initiate a telephone conversation. Seems to be a dying art these days.

March 25, 2016

Second ... needing a bit of space (one or two days) after a first meet is totally acceptable, in fact I believe it's necessary to maintain a bit of mystery and thus build attraction.

Gives both people an opportunity to think about the date, and each other, to determine whether or not they wish to continue.

I agree, but he shouldn't have said that literally to her and explain the process. (Which he basically did) That probably killed the mood, but the OP was already turned off by her phone call anyway.

March 25, 2016

It just seems contradictory from the men who complain that women don't take initiative in the dating process and when one finally does, everyone is all shocked and shaken about it.

He gave her his number and she used it. Perhaps OP may consider an end of date disclaimer that yields something along the lines of "Don't call me, I'll call you" which may be effective in weeding out the clingers ons and the like.

But I doubt it.

March 25, 2016

I agree, but he shouldn't have said that literally to her and explain the process. (Which he basically did) That probably killed the mood, but the OP was already turned off by her phone call anyway.

He didn't explain to her the "process," he explained (communicated) to her how HE felt about it. Isn't this precisely what we advocate on this board, communicating what we need and expect early on so as to avoid any confusion and misunderstandings later?

Tuna wrote:

>>I told her I think it's super cool she called but I usually pace communication frequency a little slower early on.<<

I think this is honest and actually spot on! Instead of taking it personally and getting herself all in a twit about it, she should have graciously accepted what he said, and backed off.

Edited March 25, 2016 by katiegrl

March 25, 2016

katie and I seemed to have read a different OP than the one others are responding to.

In the one we read, he expressed to her his pleasure that she'd called; the trouble seemed to start when she began picking at/picking a fight with OP, a man she'd just met and had fooled around with last night, when he indicated (for whatever reason) that he wasn't interested in/up for/available for chatting it up on the phone right now. That should have been good enough, but he went the extra step TO explain why he (one-half of the chatting-up event) wasn't [emotionally or physically] available for it.

By the way, OP, where was this woman while you were "fooling around" on your date? In another room? If she was present, then she had just as much involvement in the fooling around - and the pace of it - as you did.

IMHO, you have every right to not only feel the way you do (for whatever reason), but especially in this case where a simple conversation turned into - basically - a fight over how and why you are the way you are...and why you should change and NOT be that way.

Nope...not after a first date...if ever.

March 25, 2016

He didn't explain to her the "process," he explained (communicated) to her how HE felt about it. Isn't this precisely what we advocate on this board, communicating what we need and expect early on so as to avoid any confusion and misunderstandings later?

Tuna wrote:
>>I told her I think it's super cool she called but I usually pace communication frequency a little slower early on.<<

I think this is honest and actually spot on! Instead of taking it personally and getting herself all in a twit about it, she should have graciously accepted what he said, and backed off.

This is my point exactly! I knew in the moment this wasn't the smoothest way to handle things, but I also knew that because of the premium I place on authentic communication, I had to let her know that I was both flattered by her move and at the same time personally needed some space. I also think it reveals how she communicates when she doesn't get her way or is letdown. I was very turned off that she pressed me so hard and couldn't see the good in where I was coming from. I'm not upset she was disappointed, but more so upset that she couldn't feel disappointed AND respectful of me at the same time.

March 25, 2016

Tuna, first off define "fooled around a bit." Did you have sex or not?!

Second ... needing a bit of space (one or two days) after a first meet is totally acceptable, in fact I believe it's necessary to maintain a bit of mystery and thus build attraction.

Gives both people an opportunity to think about the date, and each other, to determine whether or not they wish to continue.

Now if you had actual full blown sex, IMO I am sure a call from YOU would have been appreciated!!

But since we don't know what you meant by "fooled around a bit" it's hard to say what the right course of action would have been.

That said, she called you first and now you are turned off.

So I guess that's that then!

Next!

No, we did not have sex. We just made out heavily and did some touching (with most of our clothes on). If there was sex then I would have been different about the phone. It seemed to me like a good first date with fun, laughs and some great making out. Like I'd said earlier, we even texted this morning (the day after the date). I was not upset that she called me. I was only upset when she became upset with me for being honest.

March 25, 2016

It just seems contradictory from the men who complain that women don't take initiative in the dating process and when one finally does, everyone is all shocked and shaken about it.

He gave her his number and she used it. Perhaps OP may consider an end of date disclaimer that yields something along the lines of "Don't call me, I'll call you" which may be effective in weeding out the clingers ons and the like.

But I doubt it.

Here is how it usually plays out with a girl like this.

Intimate quickly. She pursues. (Calling texting). Guy is like warm and cautious. Sooner or later he believes her pursuits and reciprocates. She then becomes distant , cold, and the game starts.

Just calling is not as issue. The issue is what is to come with these types of women.

March 25, 2016

Looks like she's one of those insta-relationship type of girl. Looks like you're not one of those insta-relationship type of man.

In my book, irrelevant of how well the date went, I'm staying put, to get to know the person on front of me, better. After all, it's just one date. I wouldn't even directly call a person of same sex as me, even if we had a great time and we said we'd hang out soon. I'd text. if I really wanted to call, i'd text and ask when it's ok for her to call.

I know it's supposed to be cool when someone's calling, but after just one first date, it is almost aggressive. I need time. My time.

It was her choice as much as yours to go to your place. Some fooling around means nothing, it was just one date. I dunno, maybe she was hoping to fish for a bf with some heavy petting?

To me, it's a huge turn off as well. I'd actually not return further calls or texts. Seems dead, from where I'm standing. Waaaaay too pushy. Unless there's this incredible chemistry and you feel she's worth a shot. Anything else but "mindblowing" would get the fade off from me...

I'm with you on this one. Tough luck for the chick, she needs to learn to give people space.

March 25, 2016

No, we did not have sex. We just made out heavily and did some touching (with most of our clothes on). If there was sex then I would have been different about the phone. It seemed to me like a good first date with fun, laughs and some great making out. Like I'd said earlier, we even texted this morning (the day after the date). I was not upset that she called me. I was only upset when she became upset with me for being honest.

Well... what did you tell her, when she called you?

That you felt her calling you was too much, no? so it is about her calling you . And of course she got offended, she felt rejected. She could have been a sport, but in all honesty, it takes some courage to a woman to pick up the phone and call. It's hard to stay detached. I mean, her calling you makes it clear she likes you. In addition to that, you tell her off because she calls you, which she did because she really likes you... Understand why she felt like crap?

IMHO, the moment you picked up her phone, the dating with that women came to an end.

just a good date with a terrible follow up. Better luck next time, hehe

March 25, 2016

No, we did not have sex. We just made out heavily and did some touching (with most of our clothes on). If there was sex then I would have been different about the phone. It seemed to me like a good first date with fun, laughs and some great making out. Like I'd said earlier, we even texted this morning (the day after the date). I was not upset that she called me. I was only upset when she became upset with me for being honest.

So it's ok to make out and take off some of her clothes but not ok for her to call the next day?

:eek:

I am soooo glad I am not in the dating pool!

I mean, I totally get wanting to pace a relationship, but in my world. a phone call comes before taking off clothes. My "phone call" number is pretty damn high, in fact.

March 25, 2016

So it's ok to make out and take off some of her clothes but not ok for her to call the next day?

well, perhaps she enjoyed the making out and taking her clothes off. Perhaps it didn't mean that much to her. She sure agreed to it and enjoyed it. So... where's the prob? Why assume the OP was forcing her boundaries with the physical part? If indeed, he did, then it's her problem, her own weak boundaries and she needs to deal with it and say no next time.

This time she was a willing participate.

As for the phone call, the OP felt his boundaries were transgressed. It was too much for him. He said it and he let it show. Why is he the bad guy for reinforcing his boundaries? Irrelevant of what they had done, if he felt off because she called him, he felt off. Different people, different expectations.

Maybe he likes to chase the girls and not be chased around. His personal tastes are not to be judged and evaluated, are they?

I mean, I totally get wanting to pace a relationship, but in my world. a phone call comes before taking off clothes. My "phone call" number is pretty damn high, in fact.

well, that's terrific, because the OP did not take your clothes off, did he?

March 25, 2016

well, perhaps she enjoyed the making out and taking her clothes off. Perhaps it didn't mean that much to her. She sure agreed to it and enjoyed it. So... where's the prob? Why assume the OP was forcing her boundaries with the physical part? If indeed, he did, then it's her problem, her own weak boundaries and she needs to deal with it and say no next time.

Please reread my post. I made no assumptions about forcing boundaries nor weak boundaries.

As for the phone call, the OP felt his boundaries were transgressed. It was too much for him. He said it and he let it show. Why is he the bad guy for reinforcing his boundaries? Irrelevant of what they had done, if he felt off because she called him, he felt off. Different people, different expectations.

He's free to express his opinions, and he did. But he should not be surprised if some people, including this woman, think that once you've undressed with someone, a phone call isn't over-stepping anything.

Maybe he likes to chase the girls and not be chased around. His personal tastes are not to be judged and evaluated, are they?

Only if he chooses to ask for input from an internet forum.

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Coming on too strong after first date? Can't tell who is overreacting.

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