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Can't decide between my ex and new guy

CLD8

By CLD8
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CLD8 New Member

CLD8

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I am in a really tough predicament right now. And it's a very long story on how I got to where I am now.

 

 

It all started in October. Me and my boyfriend had been together for 4.5 years and everything was great. But towards the start of fall, I was seriously thinking this was the guy I wanted to marry and have the rest of my life with and I started trying to talk to him about these things. He kind of shut down a bit and I started to worry that he didn't want that with me. While I was thinking this, another guy started showing attention to me... Another guy who I know has a terrible reputation in town for sleeping with every girl he can. Well he started showing me attention and flirting some with me and I loved the attention because my current boyfriend isn't the romantic type all the time. He didn't show me love by kissing me in public or holding hands all the time and that's something I love! This new guy held hands with me and I loved it! I even went to his place a couple times behind my boyfriends back.... Then on Halloween night, after a month of loving the attention from the new guy and thinking my BF didn't want me, I went over to the new guys house and slept with him.

 

 

The next day I felt so awful and I needed to break up with my bf because I couldn't handle what I had done and felt so guilty. I told him everything and to my surprise he still wanted to try to make things work with me!!! He wanted to fix everything and talk about everything that led to this point.

 

 

I couldn't do it and ended up breaking up with my bf and then going back to the new guy because he made me feel wanted and gave me the attention I wanted from my ex now. When I would hang out with my new guy, we'd always do stuff together with his friends and he always told his friends how proud he is of me.

 

 

I have stayed with my new guy now since the day I broke up with my ex. My new guy is a great guy and seriously does everything I have wanted but we do have serious differences in our long term goals. I want a relationship based on religion and God and my new guy isn't religious at all. I am also very determined and goal oriented in life and he is quite happy to sit back and just go with the flow... My ex and I had the same goals, values and morals in life and I know him and I were both from religious families.

 

 

The problem I'm having, is now my ex has contacted me and I know I still care about him very much. He has told me all the things I wanted before, that he wants with me now because this breakup was a reality check for him and he realizes that he lost the most important thing in his life.

 

 

I am so torn now between both of these guys because I know I can connect and talk with my ex all the time and we have the same values in life... But my new guy makes me feel great with all the things we do when we hang out and he tells me that he has never felt this way about a girl before. It is so tough because I still actually see a future with my ex, but I just love having fun and being with the new guy because he makes me feel great about myself.

 

 

I hate this situation because I am regularly talking with my ex and he keeps telling me he wants to be with me, but I fear that getting back together with him would lead directly to marriage, and I am not ready for that right now.

 

 

I just don't know what to do! My parents and sister don't approve of the new guy at all because they know his previous reputation but he is really a great guy now that I've got to know him. My parents still love my ex and think of him like a son.

 

 

Please help! Any stories or experiences in you past may help! I am so torn!

Satu Established Member

Satu

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If you can't decide between the two, you shouldn't be with either of them.

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sunshine2 Established Member

sunshine2

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Sounds like you have GIGS. This guy is paying more attention to you because it is new relationship and people only show the good things in the honeymoon phase.

 

I think you need to really think about what you want in your future. A player, who will go back to his ways eventually or a solid guy that loves you. Also think about going to couples therapy with your X to see if you can work on the things that are missing in your relationship.

 

You wanted to marry your X, now you don't. Funny how you think you can get what you want from your X now and don't want it. If I were your X I would let you go.

 

Another option is to stop seeing both of them and figure out what you want.

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Standard-Fare Established Member

Standard-Fare

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I don't think you can just hop back with your ex as if these few months with the new guy haven't happened. Your initial cheating, then your ease of hopping right into a new relationship, would certainly be a big problem area if you reunited with your ex.

 

Your ex would be completely insecure and jealous, and worried that you'd go back with the new guy. Meanwhile, on YOUR end, your feelings have gotten involved with the new guy, so it's not like you could just cut him off and stop thinking about him and be happy-go-lucky with your ex.

 

Also consider that some of the reason your ex might be showing more effort now, and finally saying the right things, is the basic truth that people want what they can't have.

 

Beyond making sure you think about those things - only you can know which is the "better man" for you. The only thing you said about the new guy that sounds concerning is his past reputation. Are you sure he's fully past that?

The religion stuff... well, if you're okay with premarital sex and cheating, I'm a little confused there.

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CLD8 New Member

CLD8

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It's a very complicated situation. I really love the attention he's giving me and we do all kinds of fun things together. My sister says she hates the new guy and that he's just using me.

 

I have stuff in common with my new bf that I didn't with my ex. He grew up on a farm and is a really outgoing and into partying a lot more than my ex. He always wants to hang out with me and it feels great. But I know my ex truly understands me and we can just talk for hours. Problem is that lately he keeps talking about me and him and it bothers me because he says he doesn't like me with my new bf and it hurts him.

 

But I know my ex still loves me and honestly I don't think he's just saying everything I wanna hear. I truly believe that he has changed to be exactly what I wanted.

 

In terms of the religion stuff. I know how awful the cheating was and I feel so guilty for it but in the long term I want a relationship built on god. I know my parents would likely disown me if they ever found out and I know they hate my new bf.

 

Another issue right now, is that I am leaving 1500miles away for a year to go to school and won't be able to see either guy much more than once every couple months. But I don't want to throw away my new bf because I just enjoy being with him and doing stuff with him before I leave.

  • Like 1
Deidre Established Member

Deidre

Posted
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I used to jump from relationship to relationship, and what I learned was...I needed to figure out why I needed men and a relationship with men, to define me. Recommend you take time to stop dating all guys for a few months, and get to know yourself ...because jumping from man to man, it is a symptom that you need a guy to make you feel complete. Once you spend time not dating, you'll be surprised how much clearer your dating decisions become. I'm engaged, and never thought I'd marry, for example. Not until I stopped serial dating, did I realize who I was, and what mattered in my life. :)

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CLD8 New Member

CLD8

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I have had a couple talks with my ex and I know that he wants to be with me... But I know I am not ready for that with him. He has even said that he wants me to be single to just think things through.

 

But I know I am leaving in 4 weeks and I'll have time alone to think without having to see either of these guys.

 

You mentioned that there is only his reputation that was bad. Well i guess there's a couple things that bugged me but he said he wouldn't do it again or made up for it. One day when I got back from a trip, I went to hang out and he was stoned! Drugs is one thing I will not stand for but he promised me it was a one time thing and he wouldn't do it again. And then he stood me up on Valentine's Day for 4 hours but he said he was with his friend or family. Plus I'm his first actual girl he's liked he told me so he doesn't exactly know how to treat a lady.

Edited by CLD8
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Daisy-oliviaWentcher Established Member

Daisy-oliviaWentcher

Posted
Posted
If you can't decide between the two, you shouldn't be with either of them.

 

Couldn't agree more. At the end of the day, you cheated on your boyfriend and I think from there on in, the relationship with your ex is totally doomed. I think you should start afresh on your own.

  • Like 1
Satu Established Member

Satu

Posted
Posted

snip

*he doesn't exactly know how to treat a lady.

 

That won't be a problem as long as you don't want to be treated like a lady.

 

But after a while he's 'naughty boy' cache will lose its appeal, and you will want to be treated like a lady.

 

You've already made your mind up, so best of luck.

While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!
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