coachjones Posted March 24, 2016 Posted March 24, 2016 Somewhat of a silly little question...but can't decide anything. I am going out to eat/drinking tomorrow night with a coworker (I'm a man, she's a woman...). We were initially planning on going out with several other coworkers, but they all dropped out for one reason or another. She has a boyfriend, but we are still going together. For obvious reasons, it hasn't been labeled a date. Here's the kicker...I have feelings for her. And she's all but said she has them for me too. Nothing serious on my part yet, just a crush. Do I pay for her meal? It hasn't been labeled a date, and I don't know if me paying for her meal would be seen as date-like, but I want to be a gentleman... 1
TaraMaiden2 Posted March 24, 2016 Posted March 24, 2016 Why don't you ask her how she sees this evening? Is she thinking about going Dutch, or would she like a treat? I bet you anything you like she's probably thinking about the same issue.... 1
smudge21 Posted March 24, 2016 Posted March 24, 2016 (edited) Erm, sorry but you're worrying about who should pay whilst ignoring the red flag that she is already with someone and you have feelings for her? Seriously? It doesn't really matter who pays for this as you'll be the one paying in the long term. Going out with friends is fine, but going out with someone who you know is already involved and you have feelings for is only heading one way. If you truly must do this, then keep it professional and split the bill. Keep it friendly and nothing more. Edited March 24, 2016 by smudge21 update 8
salparadise Posted March 24, 2016 Posted March 24, 2016 Do I pay for her meal? It hasn't been labeled a date, and I don't know if me paying for her meal would be seen as date-like, but I want to be a gentleman... You don't have to pay to be a gentleman, but if you're trying to make inroads then paying will give it a date-like context, whereas dutch may feel more like a platonic boundary. It's also possible that she'd let you pay and still consider it platonic, but that's just a chance you take. There really aren't any rules, but given what you've said paying may help cross that barrier. If she insists on dutch go along with it. 1
Toodaloo Posted March 24, 2016 Posted March 24, 2016 Should you pay? No - go dutch 1. Its not a date 2. You don't want it to look like a date 3. you need to get the possibility of dating this girl out of your head. 9
caringsister Posted March 24, 2016 Posted March 24, 2016 (edited) Somewhat of a silly little question...but can't decide anything. I am going out to eat/drinking tomorrow night with a coworker (I'm a man, she's a woman...). We were initially planning on going out with several other coworkers, but they all dropped out for one reason or another. She has a boyfriend, but we are still going together. For obvious reasons, it hasn't been labeled a date. Here's the kicker...I have feelings for her. And she's all but said she has them for me too Nothing serious on my part yet, just a crush. Do I pay for her meal? It hasn't been labeled a date, and I don't know if me paying for her meal would be seen as date-like, but I want to be a gentleman... Play with fire get burnt If she'll do it with you ... she'll do it to you (cheat) This "going out" isn't as innocent as two friends eating and drinking together. It is two people who have admitted they are attracted to each other while one is currently in a relationship. You may have just a crush now, but I get the feeling you are hoping it turns into more. This is a recipe for disaster and someone is going to end up getting hurt. Be a gentleman and bow out gracefully. Edited March 24, 2016 by caringsister 4
CarrieT Posted March 24, 2016 Posted March 24, 2016 She has a boyfriend, you have a crush, you think she has a crush... All reasons to cancel the "date" before it gets out of hand. 8
smackie9 Posted March 24, 2016 Posted March 24, 2016 Why are you pissing in someone elses backyard? This is turning into an emotional affair and yes this is a date....two people who are attracted to each other meeting one on one. If she is willing to over step boundaries while in a relationship, this is a big red flag. Not to mention the gossip that will ensue at your work. Get your head out of the clouds because you are not thinking straight.....I'll second this: CANCEL the date before it gets out of hand! 5
TaraMaiden2 Posted March 24, 2016 Posted March 24, 2016 Oh God, Oh God, Oh God, Oh God, Oh God, Oh God, Oh God, Oh God, Oh God, Oh God, Oh God, Oh God, Oh God, Oh God, Oh God.... I missed the 'she has a boyfriend' bit!!! I immediately retract my advice and put my opinions firmly with those above! 3
Miss Peach Posted March 24, 2016 Posted March 24, 2016 I recently went through this from the other side. I have a BF. He is married. We worked together for about 4 years. I left that company a few months ago. I thought it was going to be going out and catching up. I found him attractive and always had respect for his work but in my mind nothing would happen since we were both attached. I truly thought it was an innocent work/networking type thing. I had gone out to lunch alone with him while we worked together so I didn't think anything of it. Since it was a business function (in my mind), I assumed it would be dutch. He insisted on paying. Afterward he wanted to extend the evening, offer me drinks, and offered to drive me home when I didn't want to drink and drive. I thanked him for it but it made it feel like a date to me which made me feel uneasy (being I had a BF and he was married). For the next few weeks he called me constantly wanting to go out again. Again without BF or his wife. I posted a thread about it in the business section. Long story short I might have been a bit curious about it if both of us were single but in my mind nothing can or should happen with us both being attached. I turned him down twice after and then stopped picking up the phone. I uncomfortable with it by this point. FWIW I'm happy he waited until I left that company. It would have made me a lot more uncomfortable if I had to continue working with him afterward. 1
Satu Posted March 24, 2016 Posted March 24, 2016 Nobody should pay because the whole thing is a spectacularly bad idea. Find something else to do instead. 3
d0nnivain Posted March 24, 2016 Posted March 24, 2016 get others to go along & everybody pays their own way 1
salparadise Posted March 25, 2016 Posted March 25, 2016 Hey, let's be real - the hot ones always have [ex] boyfriends in the picture. If she's ready to monkey branch, timing is everything. Strike while the iron's hot as they say.
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