gwkhn Posted March 24, 2016 Posted March 24, 2016 Hey guys, I'm in a weird place with my boyfriend right now. We've been together almost 5 years. Last summer we talked about getting engaged and even though he said that he thought it was the next step in our relationship he put it off for months and then finally did a half ass proposal (in bed right before we went to sleep). Afterwards he seemed really withdrawn from our relationship, spending as much time alone playing on his computer and drinking very heavily. He would also refuse to help out around the house despite him being home more often than I am (I work and commute to UMD). Our sex life was practically non existant. So obviously we eventually get into this big fight because I'm thinking he doesn't actually want to get married. I decided to leave and stay with my friend for the night. The next day he wanted me to come back claiming that he decided he will change to make the relationship work. This relationship is very important to me so I of course decide to go back with some conditions as to what I want to see him doing in order to feel comfortable becoming engaged again (I gave him back the ring and am not considering myself engaged anymore). The past few weeks since we got back together he has been doing much better with seeming like he wants to be involved with our relationship (helping me out around the house, spending more time with me) and I do feel like he actually cares about me again. However, the more I think about the situation the more I feel like this is all going to go downhill because these issues would occur frequently before we got engaged, it just went to an extreme afterwards. I feel like we shouldn't be together if he has to change this much to be with me. I know he loves me, but I wonder how much of this is just because he's comfortable with the relationship and not because he's actually in love with me. And on top of that, one of the conditions was he needed to cut back a lot on how much he's drinking because I really feel like it is a big contributing factor to some of our problems. Two nights ago we went to a party at our friends house and he got so drunk he left the house without telling anyone and we found him laying face down and dry heaving/puking all over himself by a neighbor's house. He had to call out of work the next morning. I had a midterm the next morning and I had to stay up until 2 am trying to get us home and making sure he was ok. He says that he's not gonna drink anymore after this, but this is far from the first time he's drank that heavily and gotten that sick. I feel like a fool for staying with him but I also want to make this relationship work so badly, and I want to believe that he will change and be happy that way. I guess I'm just looking for any kind of advice at this point, I have no idea what to do anymore. 1
BC1980 Posted March 24, 2016 Posted March 24, 2016 The drinking issue is probably not going to go away anytime soon. He has no motivation to quit for you because you've proven you will put up with his drinking. I don't think he is serious about marrying you. 1
Nleal Posted March 24, 2016 Posted March 24, 2016 (edited) The drinking issue is probably not going to go away anytime soon. He has no motivation to quit for you because you've proven you will put up with his drinking. I don't think he is serious about marrying you. The only advice I take from this website is the NC, everything else is complete ****. Advices like this can end a relationship and make things worse for the people trying to work things out. You barely understand their situation because all you hear is one side of the story, and yet you sit there and say things like "I don't think he is serious about marrying you" how do you know? Because he got drunk? People grow and change, people make mistakes, relationships get saved. I got dumped and I'm doing much better specially after I stopped reading so much crap on this site. Everyone here seems negative about working things out with a partner, every situation is different. Sometimes you have to fight for what you love and that means putting up with the bull****. Every case is different and it should be considered. To the OP if you love this man and you see potential fight for him, communicate give your best effort because only then you will be able to decide and leave the relationship with your head held high. Pride sometimes kills a relationship. You guys are obviously young, so get outside help if you need to. Parents whatever but tak to him about it first. Edited March 24, 2016 by Nleal 1
Blanco Posted March 24, 2016 Posted March 24, 2016 The only advice I take from this website is the NC, everything else is complete ****. Advices like this can end a relationship and make things worse for the people trying to work things out. You barely understand their situation because all you hear is one side of the story, and yet you sit there and say things like "I don't think he is serious about marrying you" how do you know? Because he got drunk? People grow and change, people make mistakes, relationships get saved. I got dumped and I'm doing much better specially after I stopped reading so much crap on this site. Everyone here seems negative about working things out with a partner, every situation is different. Sometimes you have to fight for what you love and that means putting up with the bull****. Every case is different and it should be considered. To the OP if you love this man and you see potential fight for him, communicate give your best effort because only then you will be able to decide and leave the relationship with your head held high. Pride sometimes kills a relationship. You guys are obviously young, so get outside help if you need to. Parents whatever but tak to him about it first. The drinking issue sounds like a recurring conflict, though, so I don't think it's "sh*t" advice to suggest that this is likely to be a problem in the future. This isn't like fixing a communication problem or logistics issue. This is a potential addiction and it's naive to suggest that love on its own is enough to overcome something like this, especially if the person isn't seeking any sort of help to kick the habit. More context would be helpful, but the OP sounds young enough where it's short-sighted to suggest that she should remain with a potential alcoholic. 2
BC1980 Posted March 24, 2016 Posted March 24, 2016 The only advice I take from this website is the NC, everything else is complete ****. Advices like this can end a relationship and make things worse for the people trying to work things out. You barely understand their situation because all you hear is one side of the story, and yet you sit there and say things like "I don't think he is serious about marrying you" how do you know? Because he got drunk? People grow and change, people make mistakes, relationships get saved. I got dumped and I'm doing much better specially after I stopped reading so much crap on this site. Everyone here seems negative about working things out with a partner, every situation is different. Sometimes you have to fight for what you love and that means putting up with the bull****. Every case is different and it should be considered. To the OP if you love this man and you see potential fight for him, communicate give your best effort because only then you will be able to decide and leave the relationship with your head held high. Pride sometimes kills a relationship. You guys are obviously young, so get outside help if you need to. Parents whatever but tak to him about it first. I'd say he isn't serious about marrying her because they have been together for 5 years, and they still aren't married. There's something to be said for inference. Even the OP stated that she doesn't think he is serious about getting married. I can only go off of what she has written here, and all of it seems pretty negative. He sounds like he might have some potential addiction issues. Again, I can only see what the OP has written, but it sounds like the drinking is a long standing issue. 1
Satu Posted March 24, 2016 Posted March 24, 2016 Alcohol shuts down the higher faculties. It makes a person less aware. It makes a person less able to think and reason productively. It's not just a problem. It's a very big problem.
Author gwkhn Posted March 24, 2016 Author Posted March 24, 2016 elaine567 we are both 23, we've been living together for about 2 years. 2
mightycpa Posted March 24, 2016 Posted March 24, 2016 (edited) elaine567 we are both 23, we've been living together for about 2 years.Oh boy... 23. I'm a guy, I was 23 once, and I had a long term girlfriend who wanted to get married and needed me to change, and all that stuff. Been there, but I didn't do what you guys are doing. At 23, there are tremendous changes going on. You're going to meet a lot of new people, so is he, and opportunities to do things will multiply. Your life will probably head in one direction, and his in another. That may already be happening. But in general, this is the age where you breakup and start over. So there are a couple of observations I'd like to make in addition to that one. First, there's a difference between being "in love" and loving somebody. The "in love" part is the infatuation, laced with a great deal of illusion. But loving somebody means that you love him/her in spite of all his/her flaws that you can plainly see. So, I doubt very much if he's still "in love" with you. The real question is whether or not he loves you, like really loves you. I think you're wondering about that too. The heavy drinking is a rite of passage for some people, and he's basically still a teenager in a man's body. Who knows whether that will escalate or dissipate? Only time will tell. But if he stops drinking "for you", then that's not good. In fact, all this stuff he's doing "for you" is not good. He should be doing these things because he's self-motivated to spend time with you, not because it is an item on your list of must-do's. Ditto for cleaning up, although that's less serious, and all the other things he might be doing. You run the risk of him getting complacent after marriage, and things will go back to where they were because he's not self-motivated, and changing for someone else is exhausting. Then you're kinda stuck in a situation that you'd rather not be in. If you ask him to explain to you why he's doing all this stuff, and the answer boils down to "I'm doing it to keep you", then watch out. It would be the kiss from my perspective. The right answer would be something like "because I realized I like spending time with you" and "because I'm tired of living like a welfare recipient" and "because when I was lying on the ground, puking my brains out, I realized that I'm not having as much fun as I thought I was" See what I'm saying? Good luck. Edited March 24, 2016 by mightycpa 3
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